RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress



Message

AlexDelarge -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/30/2009 5:22:50 PM)

I don't know how to break this to you....  but you are not the first man to lose money in a divorce.     In fact; it's a national industry.

The greatest economic damage you've suffered is not the $25k.  It's the loss of 7 years of career development.  That's particulaly devastating at the beginning of a career.  It looks like indifference or laziness on a resume.  That'll cost you a lot more than $20 or $25K over the course of your career.  And you'll have a hard time explaining it away as, "I was home vacuuming the carpet and wishing for a spanking."  Such talk is seldom a pleasing garnish in a technical interview.

And, I feel compelled to ask, how in Hell could you go that long without some domestic discipline in your relationship?  I'm just not wired that way.  I remember the first time I put my college girlfriend over my lap for a spanking -we had been dating about a month, and had no talk of any 'arrangement' or anything.  It was just perfectly natural when I was a bit pissed off to put her over my lap for a bare handed spanking.  And it really improved the relationship too. 






ShaktiSama -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/30/2009 9:21:44 PM)

I have no response to anything but the title of thread.

If you need to go, you need to go.  How bad it "should" get is not something for others to decide.  This relationship sounds as if it failing to work for either one of you at a number of levels. 



ghitaPVH -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/30/2009 9:23:39 PM)

Personally...if you are at the point where you need to ask that question.....then its time to leave........



LookieNoNookie -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/30/2009 11:37:29 PM)


Bad enough.



wandersalone -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/30/2009 11:44:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

A few days ago, for the first time in my life, I was actually thinking of suicide. I very quickly came to my senses but that can't be a good sign. I will not be staying.  The first chance I have to rent a cheap room or get into a knowingly temporary relationship with someone who wants to help me out I will be out the door.

First up I would suggest that if you haven't seen one yet that you make an appointment with your doctor if you have been thinking about suicide.

Secondly, your profile states that you are looking for a Domme to collar you, enter into a TPE and house you.  You mention that race, creed, colour looks or religion are irrelevant which makes it seem like as long as they say they are a dominant you don't care about anything else.  Domme's reading your profile may get the feeling that you are desperate which is often not an attractive look.

Rather than jumping from one troubled relationship straight into another why not take back your independence and your life, learn to live as a single man first and when you feel that you have the self-knowledge and skills to make a wise choice start looking for a relationship.

smiles..... trust me, there are lots and lots of submissives that don't need to be rescued by dominants when they are having difficulties.  Why don't you see if you can become one of us.



howahkan -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/31/2009 6:11:51 AM)

There are to many replies for me to respond to so let me just say thank you all for your posts.  I know that most of you who suggest I should stay in the relationship until I fix one thing or another are well-intentioned.

How long should I stay?  Five years, until I'm 57 years old.  And if more problems come up what then?  Stay longer?  Until I am 60?  I am hoping I have enough time in my life that I may be able to love one more person but I don't see how I can wait around for years for that to happen.

I have gotten some responses that seem to focus on who's to blame. The truth is I am to blame for letting it get so far, (As I said in my original post).

It was CarrieO that said (I'm not really sure what your expectations are in starting this thread.).  I have to say I am not sure why I did.  CarrieO also said (I hope you can let go of the bitterness you carry and learn from this experience.) and I think that's the only thing I can hope to learn here in this forum.

I know many of you think my profile sounds desperate.  Well dah!  Guess what, I'm a little desperate!  However I'm not so desperate as to make the same mistake again.  Some have also said that no Domme would have me.  You are all seeing me in my darkest hour.  There is a lot more here than you can see.  My posts have been rather gloomy and somber but that is not who I am.

I will recover from this.  I will let go of this bitterness.  I will find someone new.  I will succeed in building a new life.

Thank you all for your help...



sirsholly -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/31/2009 6:35:11 AM)

nm



wandersalone -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/31/2009 7:53:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

There are to many replies for me to respond to so let me just say thank you all for your posts.  I know that most of you who suggest I should stay in the relationship until I fix one thing or another are well-intentioned.

How long should I stay?  Five years, until I'm 57 years old.  And if more problems come up what then?  Stay longer?  Until I am 60?  I am hoping I have enough time in my life that I may be able to love one more person but I don't see how I can wait around for years for that to happen.

I have gotten some responses that seem to focus on who's to blame. The truth is I am to blame for letting it get so far, (As I said in my original post).

It was CarrieO that said (I'm not really sure what your expectations are in starting this thread.).  I have to say I am not sure why I did.  CarrieO also said (I hope you can let go of the bitterness you carry and learn from this experience.) and I think that's the only thing I can hope to learn here in this forum.

I know many of you think my profile sounds desperate.  Well dah!  Guess what, I'm a little desperate!  However I'm not so desperate as to make the same mistake again.  Some have also said that no Domme would have me.  You are all seeing me in my darkest hour.  There is a lot more here than you can see.  My posts have been rather gloomy and somber but that is not who I am.

I will recover from this.  I will let go of this bitterness.  I will find someone new.  I will succeed in building a new life.

Thank you all for your help...



I think what some people are saying is don't leave one unhappy relationship and jump into another one just because you want someone to rescue you..... it will just mean we are reading a similar thread from you in 6 months time, a year etc.

When you say you are not so desperate to make the same mistake again.....how do you know?  How will you ensure that you are entering a relationship built on trust and common desires if you are simply looking for a domme, any domme to collar you and house you?

I do wish you all the best however I will be honest, if I was a domme and you approached me the first thing I would do is read your past posts and they would make me walk away very quickly.

If you need to leave this marriage then please do so but don't do it by jumping into another relationship.



pixelslave -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/31/2009 3:20:27 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone
If you need to leave this marriage then please do so but don't do it by jumping into another relationship.


I think the above can be said of any relationship, whether in this lifestyle or not.

From experience, I can say that if one knows they need out, then it's time to do whatever is necessary to either preserve or restore their mental health as the case may be. A person has to do it for themself, not for someone else and no one can do it for them. IMO, relying on someone else to "catch you" when you depart a relationship is neither wise nor is it a healthy expectation to have. [sm=m23.gif]

For some, there simply may be no one to turn to anyway except perhaps their local kink community where they can find "family" and perhaps receive some emotional support; especially if they've been isolated and have no friends in the community. That was the situation I found myself in when it was time for me to leave. I'd not been permitted to be involved in the local community or have friends whom I could turn to. I suggest the OP do some reading on co-dependancy and perhaps he'll understand a bit more of why people are telling him not to jump into another relationship but instead to focus on letting go of the existing one.

Leaving a relationship after some years together can be a very scary and uncomfortable experience since it takes a person out of their comfort zone. It can also be a time of great personal growth. Its all a matter of how you choose to view it. I'm confident the Dommes on the board would agree that an emotionally strong and healthy submissive is far more attractive than a weak and needy one. [8|]

In your case, howahkan, you may temporarily need the help of others since you've been in a total power exchange where you've turned over control of all your finances and seem to be at a loss as to what to do. To help yourself find that, you may want to contact the NLA-I Domestic Violence Project at http://www.nlaidvproject.us/html/index.php for resources; not because you're in danger, but because it seems as though you may need some guidance and assistance while you extract yourself from your situation. They also have a hotline information number which is 1-816-984-3320.

I wish you well howahkan as you face the journey that lays before for you. [:)]

- pixel



Lockit -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/31/2009 7:30:16 PM)

Oh now wait a minute. This man is not abused and has no reason to call a domestic abuse line or support group for help! If anyone has abused this man, it is himself. Just read his other post!

You are talking putting focus on a very serious crime that he would have to accuse someone of in order to get help. Rather than his making a choice to get into a bdsm or d/s relationship... he turns and points a finger at someone who he clearly says doesn't dominate him.

Now a support group for people going through divorce... sure... but domestic abuse is out of order! A support group for addictions might be a better option in this situation!

This man made choices and he was not taken advantage of. He may be in need of some support to pull himself up and out, but it shouldn't be in taking advantage of a support system and laws provided for real victims.



Rhodes85 -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (10/31/2009 8:56:21 PM)

'How bad should it get before you leave?'

Simple: its reached the point that its time to leave the moment you are asking 'how bad should it get before I leave'



pixelslave -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (11/1/2009 6:28:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Oh now wait a minute. This man is not abused and has no reason to call a domestic abuse line or support group for help! If anyone has abused this man, it is himself. Just read his other post!



Read what I said a bit closer Lockit. I said he may want to contact them for resources, not becasuse he's in danger! The NLA-I's Project is for those in the lifestyle and as such, might be able to provide him with some guidance or resources on where to turn to find what he needs, such as temporary housing or counseling.

Its difficult when you're a male to obtain access to the same kinds of resources that exist on an immediate walk-in basis for women. They often don't exist for men since our society doesn't think we need them. When you find you do need help, the social services support system is a maze to navigate and having an advocate to help you that understands it who can tell you where to get started along which agencies provide various services can be immensely helpful.

Chill!

- pixel



Elisabella -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (11/1/2009 6:46:17 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

First of all let me say, I know this is all my fault. I feel bad enough already, I don't need a bunch of criticism. What I need is helpful information. I am new here so I apologize if I have posted this in the wrong group.

Ten years ago there were no cool web sites like FetLife or CollarMe. The only resource on the net for lifestylers was something called alt news groups. I searched for over a year and finely found a woman who said she was a switch and was willing to Dom me.

We communicated through the news group for a few weeks and then through email and phone calls for another two months before I relocated from Las Vegas to Denver. It was understood by both of us that I was to be the sub and she was to be the Dom.

I had been alone for five years so I asked her to marry me right away. The first year was great. We wrote up a contract and followed it. The second year I turned over all my finances to her. I did everything I was told. In fact she sometimes complained I never did anything to be punished for.

Then in the third year it happened, she asked me to Dom her. (Just this one time) she said. Caring for her deeply I said yes. Looking back I see this was my second mistake, the first was turning over my finances to her. Both of these things seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Over the next few years she asked me to Dom her more and more. By the seventh year I was Domming her more than she was Domming me. I started feeling very unfulfilled so I started talking to her about my feelings. I told her exactly how I felt, completely truthful. "I don't want to be a Dom, only a sub" I told her.

Although I am a masochist I am also submissive which means I am easily influenced by what other people want.  She told me she would be my domme.  My wife now wants me to dom her, even though she knows I am a total submissive.  She is asking for something I do not have to give.

I have sat her down over and over again and talked this out with her and she goes back to domming me, for a while, then, slowly, everything goes back to me domming her again. I want to live out the rest of my life as a submissive, NOT A DOM... But she just will not listen.

If this were not bad enough I just found out that all of are money is gone and we are twenty seven thousand dollars in debt. She has filed for debt consolidation and the only reason I found out is because I had to sign the papers also.

Now in our ninth year I finely said it "I am so very unhappy with me Domming you, No More." and she said, "If your so unhappy why don't you just leave?". Therefore I feel I have no choice but to leave even though I have no place to go.  It's going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I worst part is I feel guilty for being the one to leave. I still care about her and I do not want to hurt her but I do not see any other way out of this mess. I am so sorry for letting things get so far.


Oh my God when I read this I seriously thought you must be in your late 20's or early 30's or something. But you two met when you were 43?

You are being SO passive-aggressive here. Saying "I take blame for everything" but refusing to take RESPONSIBILITY for any of it. Just cut and run and find another Domme to take you in and pay your bills? Good God man you're in your 50's, you can't blame your wife for being fiscally irresponsible if your reaction to debt is "oh shit, gotta go, have fun paying that off hon."

Also, if you're living off 40-52k a year, in Denver, it's really not that hard to get into 27k debt in 9 years. That's 3,000 deficit a year. Really not a lot, especially with the US economy the way it's been the past few years...most people spend more than that on gas for the car.

How bad is too bad to leave? Put it like this, it's time to leave when you are able to leave on your own. To live on your own. If you'll only consider leaving if you have another Sugar Mama waiting in the wings, it's not bad enough yet.

I feel really bad for you, and your wife. But not for the reasons you likely expect.



CarrieO -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (11/1/2009 7:35:20 AM)

Hello pixel,

I wanted to comment on the link you posted for NLA-1.  First, what a great resource for someone, be they male or female, who is in a violent abusive relationship and involved with bdsm.  It's good to know an organization such as this exisits...one who will take into account a D/s or TPE relationship and all that can entail.

That being said, I don't see how it would apply to the OP as he himself stated in his introductory post HERE ,
quote:


3. Although I am a masochist I am also submissive which means I am easily influenced by what other people want.  When we got married my wife told me she would be my domme.  My wife now wants me to dom her, even though she knows I am a total submissive.  She is asking for something I do not have to give.  I have sat her down over and over again and talked this out with her and she goes back to domming me, for a while, then, slowly, everything goes back to me domming her again.  I want to live out the rest of my life as a submissive, NOT A DOM... But she just will not listen.  Therefore I have no choice but to leave.  It's going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I love her and I do not want to hurt her but I only have a few good years left and I would like for someone to care about what I want.

This, in my opinion, doesn't sound so much like TPE as it does two people who aren't clear on what roles they play within a relationship and the boundaries they need to have in place from the start. 
The fact that he chose to give his money to his wife, while possibly ill-informed, doesn't constitute abuse.  

Given these statements...

quote:


I guess I want some magic way out of it but I know there is no good way out. A few days ago, for the first time in my life, I was actually thinking of suicide. I very quickly came to my senses but that can't be a good sign. I will not be staying.  The first chance I have to rent a cheap room or get into a knowingly temporary relationship with someone who wants to help me out I will be out the door.


and

quote:


I know many of you think my profile sounds desperate.  Well dah!  Guess what, I'm a little desperate!  However I'm not so desperate as to make the same mistake again.  Some have also said that no Domme would have me.  You are all seeing me in my darkest hour.  There is a lot more here than you can see.  My posts have been rather gloomy and somber but that is not who I am.


and this from his introduction...
quote:


I am obsessive compulsive. Without a dominate person to keep me in-line I will surely kill myself by over-indulging. I smoke to much, drink to much, eat to much and do not exercise. As a result I am one hundred and fifty pounds overweight, develop type 2 diabetes and in the process of developing emphysema. If I do not find a Domme soon I will surely die an early death.

I am a masochist. I often feel that I am incapable and undeserving of a relationship with a person and do everything I can to drive them away. I usually hold the person in particularly high esteem, and do not wish to harm them by creating or maintaining a connection with them. Most people do not understand this behavior so they stay as far away as possible.


I am given the impression there is more to this than kink related issues.  In fact, I see the kink as an excuse to ignore or lay blame/responsibility any where but where it belongs...at his feet. 
I agree, the OP needs help but I'm not sure I agree that allowing him to see it as a kink related issue instead of a personal/personility problem would be helpful to him or any future partners.

As I said before to the OP...I hope he can let go of the bitterness and learn from this experience.



howahkan -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (11/1/2009 8:15:34 AM)

quote:

Lockit Wrote:

Oh now wait a minute. This man is not abused and has no reason to call a domestic abuse line or support group for help! If anyone has abused this man, it is himself. Just read his other post!


I agree with this completely.  I don't think of myself as abused. 

I resent being left in the dark about the finances.  I know I turned over me finances to her, so in a way I left myself in the dark.  But even more then that I kick myself in the ass for not seeing there was a problem. We have hundreds of DVDs/VHS movies and somewhere around 4000 books.  Stacks of junk with no real value.  I just assumed she was living within our means.

quote:

Elisabella Wrote:

You are being SO passive-aggressive here. Saying "I take blame for everything" but refusing to take RESPONSIBILITY for any of it. Just cut and run and find another Domme to take you in and pay your bills? Good God man you're in your 50's, you can't blame your wife for being fiscally irresponsible if your reaction to debt is "oh shit, gotta go, have fun paying that off hon."


1. I will be paying half of this debt off.  I made that commitment when I signed the Debt Consolidation Agreement.
2. I would never expect a Domme to pay my bills.  I will just start another business and make my own money.
3. Regardless of what kind of relationship a person is in, whither it be lovers, business partners or family.  It's all about trust and my trust in this relationship is gone forever.
4. And this is what I resent most about you post Elisabell.  Your post is just plain mean spirited.  You don't care about anyone except yourself.  You're just slicing and dicing a sub for the pure pleasure of doing so without any consideration for the damage you may do.  I understand it when a Mistress does mean things for fun in a relationship but you are being heartless and cruel to inflict pain and suffering just for the fun of it.  Go straight to hell.



Venatrix -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (11/1/2009 8:27:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

4. And this is what I resent most about you post Elisabell.  Your post is just plain mean spirited.  You don't care about anyone except yourself.  You're just slicing and dicing a sub for the pure pleasure of doing so without any consideration for the damage you may do.  I understand it when a Mistress does mean things for fun in a relationship but you are being heartless and cruel to inflict pain and suffering just for the fun of it.  Go straight to hell.



Please don't blame the dommes for Elisabella, she's a sub. [:D]



DesFIP -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (11/1/2009 8:33:58 AM)

So put all that stuff up for sale on Ebay, and take back control of the finances.

Separate out love from D/s from kinky play. You want to be topped, either trade it with her, one of you topping the other each week, or find an outside person to top both of you or each of you find a top.

Go to a budget counselor and you'll be given a budget to live within that will allow you to pay the debt off in a few years.

You've got multiple options here, you don't have to have everything in the same basket.

Oh and don't blame us subs for Elisabella, we find her nasty and meanspirited also. Just proves that even subs can be sadistic. And that not everyone subscribes to it being consensual.



howahkan -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (11/1/2009 8:54:56 AM)

CarrieO - I deeply regret posting my introductory post.  It is a pure and simple case of "SUB FRENZY".  I would take it all back if I could.  Quite frankly the thought of being alone frightens me.  I think back to my old days in Los Angeles where I roamed the streets is search of the most dangerous situation I could find and I would just jump right in.  So being without someone who has better judgment than myself frightens me.  I can only hope the next person I encounter in the scene will be helpful instead of hurtful, but no one can predict the future.  I know this post will generate a bunch of psychoanalytic theories but the truth is I am just an old slave without an owner.

Quite frankly I don't expect anyone to help me, why should they, they don't even know me.  However, I reserve the right to hope for good things for myself.  That's why I changed my profile so dramatically, taking out all the expectations.  I ask you to please stop referring to my introductory post.  It was a mistake for me to post it.



Lockit -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (11/1/2009 8:59:49 AM)

Pixel,

My comments are coming from a place of... don't be a victim or lay blame and going the domestic abuse route for resources is a form of laying blame by a victim mindset. In this situation there is not a victim and the op is already struggling with seeing himself as a victim (of her financial imbalance and lack of communication they both had) without seeing how he allowed himself to be blind to what was happening.

The best resource to learn accountablity and resource would be a twelve step program which focuses on personal issues that result in situations where blaming others for what we take part in would be addressed. They also have resources. Using a program designed for domestic abuse is not easy when you haven't been domestically abused and that goes for women as well as men.

There are shelters for men.  There are resources and no need to play victim. The best resource the op has is himself. Pulling himself up by realizing he saw what was going on without seeing it and going out and finding a job and a new life. There are also resources in mental health programs that have a sliding scale fee and housing in the Denver area that he could access if he has a doctor that states he has addictions or emotional need to be in the housing and that housing goes on a sliding scale fee of how much he makes with the lowest rent of twenty five dollars a month. I know a number of people that have gotten into this housing for emotional reasons.

There are things that are resources that better suit the op's situation than a group that works with the domestically abused.

Projecting more into the situation than what is there would be a huge mistake and would promote the personal issues that the op is struggling with at times. Projecting because of what another went through is a mistake because he has his own situation that is different.

I believe in calling it what it is rather than finding an excuse that would fit so that someone could benefit somehow from it. This is no where near domestic or lifestyle abuse and is more in line with personal choice and how one functions in life. Addressing the real issues the op has spoken of in this thread and others is most important. Not projecting.

We are only victim as long as someone is doing something to us and as long as we think like a victim. Promoting victim thinking or functioning is in itself a major hurdle to those who might eventually like to be healthy and happy. Being victimized at some point does not mean we continue to be victim and play the wounded victim... it should mean... I was victimized... it hurt... I feel this and that... but by god I won't continue to be a victim and will go out and live my life. Being strong enough to give up victim status and become a survivor who doesn't hold on to the wounds is what a survior is. Someone who holds on to the wounds is still victim and hasn't survived... just moved through it to get out of it enough to be out of it, but still victim to the mindset of victimization which hinders good emotional and mental growth and life growth.



howahkan -> RE: How bad should it be before you leave? (11/1/2009 9:05:18 AM)

I don't blame Dom/me's or subs for Elisabell behavior.  I blame Elisabell. 



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.0546875