Mistress wants companionship

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Mistress wants companionship

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Mistress wants companionship

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 1:48:59 PM

luckyslaveboync

Posts: 69
Joined: 3/18/2005
Status: offline

Hypothetically, it can happen that a sub's mistress over time loses some of Her interest in bdsm and wants a higher and higher proportion of the slave's time spent on service and companionship, which both acknowledge as important. Should the slave be patiently obedient? Express needs for bdsm submission even though this may seem topping from the bottom? Try to redefine his needs to be less erotic and more taking joy in service submission? Move on? Other advice?

Post #: 1

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 1:57:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If you enter the relationship with a mutual understanding and expectations of how the relationship will progress, and the relationship ACTUALLY ends up progressing in a very different direction, then you need to assess whether the direction will work for you or not, what compromises can/should be made, and what you actually need to be fulfilled.

It's not topping from the bottom to say "This isn't what you said you wanted 2 years ago, and I'm really not sure if it's right for me." It's just the truth.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to luckyslaveboync)

Post #: 2

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 2:02:13 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: luckyslaveboync
Should the slave be patiently obedient?

Of course. Should a slave ever be impatiently obedient?

A slave should be willing to serve in any capacity, and with equal enthusiasm, no matter what level of interest their owners have in "BDSM".

(in reply to luckyslaveboync)

Post #: 3

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 2:03:12 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Relationships over time change, thats a given. However the scenario you are describing kinda sounds similar to me to a couple who has finished their *honeymoon* period....its a kinda dangerous time in a relationship...i think the statistics on that are around the 6 month period....you've done all the exciting things together...if one person has been hiding different facets of their personality time has gone on long enough for it to be exposed.... perhaps she was never really into D/s...it was just a fun thing for a period of time...perhaps she was never really Dominant and so the pretense of having to be in *role* has got tiring and uninteresting....perhaps she just has other stresses in her life...god knows..there could be so many scenarios...I guess the thing to think about is..whats the foundation of your relationship built on..and if this is being rocked at all...hard work needs to be done to keep the relationship productive for both people.

(in reply to luckyslaveboync)

Post #: 4

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 2:07:52 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

quote:

ORIGINAL: luckyslaveboync
Should the slave be patiently obedient?

Of course. Should a slave ever be impatiently obedient?

A slave should be willing to serve in any capacity, and with equal enthusiasm, no matter what level of interest their owners have in "BDSM".

oopps.. jut noticed the word "slave"..... I forgot....some think a slave can't think or have no feelings.. wants or needs either.

From a submissive side....... I personally... would just openly ask ..... WTF is happening to us?

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 5

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 2:10:30 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

From a submissive side....... I personally... would just openly ask ..... WTF is happening to us?

ROFL, true... you have such a way with words

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 6

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 2:14:37 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

quote:

ORIGINAL: luckyslaveboync
Should the slave be patiently obedient?

Of course. Should a slave ever be impatiently obedient?

A slave should be willing to serve in any capacity, and with equal enthusiasm, no matter what level of interest their owners have in "BDSM".

oopps.. jut noticed the word "slave"..... I forgot....some think a slave can't think or have no feelings.. wants or needs either.

From a submissive side....... I personally... would just openly ask ..... WTF is happening to us?

Does a slave have feelings, thoughts and wants? Of course. Am I obligated to serve them? No.

< Message edited by amayos -- 3/8/2006 2:15:23 PM >

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 7

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 2:19:43 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

Does a slave have feelings, thoughts and wants? Of course. Am I obligated to serve them? No.

Bites Tongue......... shakes head...

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 8

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 2:27:55 PM

HouseofBear

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/9/2005
Status: offline

I think that honesty is important in a relationship, and if a slave has concerns they should respectfully be voiced to their dominant. One thing I noticed with your post, that she had less interest in bdsm and then you said she was more interested in service and companionship. Those two aspects are part of bdsm, and part of what I expect from a slave, as well as the aspects of play.

Lady Ursa

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 9

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 2:28:53 PM

Slipstreme

Posts: 817
Joined: 1/1/2006
Status: offline

you all can probably benefit by open communication. In fact, your Mistress might really need to know what is going on in your head before you can serve her to the best of her abilities. After all something continually nagging at you will eventually interfere with those abilities. A relationship rarely ever works out in the end if one partner is holding back something from the other all the time, even if it is to protect that other from some preconcieved calamity.

True she is not obliged to respond to how you feel, but shouldn't she at least know?

_____________________________

Living the Dichotomy

Painslut? How about "Endorphin Junkie"?

For information about "the furry thing" please check out my profile journal entry for: 1/17/2006

Alpha of a leather family of four. Master to the slave z.

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 10

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 3:07:58 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos
Am I obligated to serve them? No.

People in vanilla personal relationships aren't obliged to do something just because the other person wants it either- has nothing to do with being a slave.

However, if a master goes into a relationship telling the slave "If you are my slave, you will be expected to do X" then the master is obliged (by his/her own sense of self-commitment) to either follow-through with expecting X, work out a new situation with Y, or admit that the slave and master really don't fit in with eachothers expectations after all.

It would be extremely unethical for a dominant to allow a slave to consent to a situation, completely change around the situation, and then suggest the slave is somehow forcing an inappropriate obligation on the dominant. The dominant agreed to a set of expectations within the relationship just as much as the slave does.

The only difference is that the dominant is the only one who enforces the authority upon both/all in the relationship.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 11

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 5:11:00 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos
Am I obligated to serve them? No.

People in vanilla personal relationships aren't obliged to do something just because the other person wants it either- has nothing to do with being a slave.

In general, a "vanilla" relationship is one based upon two equals in socially accepted folkways of courtship consisting often of traditional, romantic pursuits; it is really in no way comparable to slave and owner—they are completely two different forms of interrelation and comparing the two in order to justify any system or ideal inherent in one or the other is utterly bogus.

Having to obey is in fact everything that has to do with being a slave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

However, if a master goes into a relationship telling the slave "If you are my slave, you will be expected to do X" then the master is obliged (by his/her own sense of self-commitment) to either follow-through with expecting X, work out a new situation with Y, or admit that the slave and master really don't fit in with eachothers expectations after all.

A slave isn't thus if he/she only obeys when the sun is out. Any being under your wing operating under negotiation of terms and rights is not a slave. Any being that does not display complete and unquestioning loyalty and obedience in serving you is not a slave. Anyone who obeys only when it suits them or gets them off is—in turn—not a slave.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It would be extremely unethical for a dominant to allow a slave to consent to a situation, completely change around the situation, and then suggest the slave is somehow forcing an inappropriate obligation on the dominant. The dominant agreed to a set of expectations within the relationship just as much as the slave does.

The only difference is that the dominant is the only one who enforces the authority upon both/all in the relationship.

Well said, and this may indeed fly in your world when speaking of slaves, but for me your description—as eloquently spoken as it may be—is not one of slavery. It is more the well articulated trademark wisdom inherent in submission and dominance, as popularly defined by the BDSM mainstream. Enjoyable as both forms may be, slave and submissive are not interchangeable in meaning—or at least, they are not in my mind.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 8:19:38 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

To be honest, I'd be overjoyed if she wanted me for service and companionship as that's more my style of comfortability anyway.

(in reply to luckyslaveboync)

Post #: 13

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 8:39:44 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

sub's mistress over time loses some of Her interest in bdsm and wants a higher and higher proportion of the slave's time spent on service and companionship

I think what he's tring to say is that he's not being used/ played with enough for his tastes. My question would be what tasks were outlined in your original arrangement. I know my previous boy hit a point where he complained that he was performing all the household tasks that I asked of him but wasn't being played with enough. My question to him is the same as it is to you : What do you believe that submission is? If your definition is tied more to play and hers is to obedience then you have a fundimental problem. In her eyes you're being pleasing as you're accomplishing the tasks set out for you in the form of service. In your mind it's not working because she's please with you and not giving you enough spanky time and may be tempted to act out to intentionally get punished. Before you do something that's more likely to get you dismissed than rewarded I would suggest that you talk to her. Tell her that you care about her and enjoy her companionship but your spanky needs are feeling neglected. While demanding anything will cause you problems subtly polishing and conditioning her favorite flogger a few days after a discussion with her may be a way to break the ice without topping from the bottom.

(in reply to luckyslaveboync)

Post #: 14

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/8/2006 9:51:14 PM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

quote:

Move on?

You have every right to express and redefine your needs as long as her's are changing. If she is not open to this I would pick the above option.

*Brightspot

< Message edited by brightspot -- 3/8/2006 9:55:52 PM >

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to luckyslaveboync)

Post #: 15

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/9/2006 9:38:27 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos
In general, a "vanilla" relationship is one based upon two equals in socially accepted folkways of courtship consisting often of traditional, romantic pursuits; it is really in no way comparable to slave and owner—they are completely two different forms of interrelation and comparing the two in order to justify any system or ideal inherent in one or the other is utterly bogus.

I wasn't comparing them to justify any system or ideal. You made a point about how you, as a master, are not obligated to do something just because your slave wants it.

I pointed out that no one in any personal relationship is obligated to do something just because the other person wants it, that it had nothing to do with you being or not being the master. This is a true statement.

quote:

Having to obey is in fact everything that has to do with being a slave.

For some people it's more about having to serve. Sometimes good service equals disobedience. My former master often praised me for disobeying specific orders because I ended up serving better and getting to the goal- I knew he valued service over direct obedience.

quote:

A slave isn't thus if he/she only obeys when the sun is out. Any being under your wing operating under negotiation of terms and rights is not a slave. Any being that does not display complete and unquestioning loyalty and obedience in serving you is not a slave. Anyone who obeys only when it suits them or gets them off is—in turn—not a slave.

Except every slave obeys only when it suits them- it just so happens that your slave finds it suits them to always obey within the relationship with you. If the relationship didn't suit them, then they wouldn't have wanted it.

This doesn't mean every moment of every day they are blissfully happy- but it means that every moment, it SUITS THEM to obey you.

quote:

Enjoyable as both forms may be, slave and submissive are not interchangeable in meaning—or at least, they are not in my mind.

I don't think they are either, though I have to say your constant smarming of relationship dynamics that don't fit your "ultimate ideal" becomes tiresome. Just because other M/s relationships don't do it YOUR WAY doesn't mean the slave is walking all over the master.

Your slave obeys because it suits her to obey. If you told her "As my slave you will be expected to stay home every day" and then turned around in a month and told her she would have to work outside the house every day, it would be fine for her to re-evaluate the situation.

However, if you told her "This is how I want things now, but they could certainly change into completely different directions and as my slave you'd have to accept that" then obviously she would have accepted that situation.

In both cases the important point is setting up and holding true to expectations. No matter what any expectations ARE, an ethical master holds to them and/or allows the slave to make an informed choice on their slavery should those expectations change.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 16

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/9/2006 9:44:42 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

quote:

ORIGINAL: luckyslaveboync
Should the slave be patiently obedient?

Of course. Should a slave ever be impatiently obedient?

A slave should be willing to serve in any capacity, and with equal enthusiasm, no matter what level of interest their owners have in "BDSM".

oopps.. jut noticed the word "slave"..... I forgot....some think a slave can't think or have no feelings.. wants or needs either.

From a submissive side....... I personally... would just openly ask ..... WTF is happening to us?

Does a slave have feelings, thoughts and wants? Of course. Am I obligated to serve them? No.

No your not obligated to serve them no. But a wise Dom/Domme always listens and realises that over time people change, needs change because time stands still for no one. Because nothing is constant not even realtionships. If the Dom/Domme fails to do this they may soon find themselves seeking a new slave.

Just my opinion
Lashra

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 17

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/9/2006 3:41:58 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I wasn't comparing them to justify any system or ideal.

Yes, in fact, you were ... and still are. But I guess we agree to disagree.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
This doesn't mean every moment of every day they are blissfully happy- but it means that every moment, it SUITS THEM to obey you.

Once again, this is not slavery. This is negotiative submission which you are describing, operating perhaps under a cynical assumption that in the end it's all some form of over glorified video game, I guess?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
I don't think they are either, though I have to say your constant smarming of relationship dynamics that don't fit your "ultimate ideal" becomes tiresome. Just because other M/s relationships don't do it YOUR WAY doesn't mean the slave is walking all over the master.

Sorry to insist, but words do mean things. Indeed, ultimately how I articulate my arguments in this regard is all my own. But lecturing me on how everything does not fit into my ideal is not only childishly obvious, but irrelevant and totally off the point. Your stance in saying "no truth is final, everything is relative" is just a militant as my insistence of there being a right way and a wrong way. This is a message board, where we are inclined to share opinions and theories, even—heaven forbid—defend and argue them, and I have thus far done so with maturity, articulation and respect.

That my viewpoints run directly counter to yours is something we will both have to deal with, I guess.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Your slave obeys because it suits her to obey. If you told her "As my slave you will be expected to stay home every day" and then turned around in a month and told her she would have to work outside the house every day, it would be fine for her to re-evaluate the situation.

???

Well, thank you for telling me why my slave chooses to obey, and what is fine for her to do or not do. I will really have to defer to your understanding regarding her brain if her behavior or motive ever happens to puzzle me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
However, if you told her "This is how I want things now, but they could certainly change into completely different directions and as my slave you'd have to accept that" then obviously she would have accepted that situation.

In both cases the important point is setting up and holding true to expectations. No matter what any expectations ARE, an ethical master holds to them and/or allows the slave to make an informed choice on their slavery should those expectations change.

I do not say, nor have I ever said that a human being does not accept the 'situation' prior to entering true slavery. I simply believe many are not informed outwardly or even reflect well enough inwardly in their own mind about what slavery truly means and entails. I feel the same of "Master" as well when it is abused.

There is in fact a point where the grand safari of "relationship inclusion" twists words beyond all meaning and purpose, making them merely underworld jargon. Not all of us have to goosestep to this drum; some hold strong to the idea that words, concepts and titles have meaning beyond the makeshift relativism of "inventive BDSM relationship dynamics".

< Message edited by amayos -- 3/9/2006 3:53:00 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/9/2006 4:06:39 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

To be honest, I'd be overjoyed if she wanted me for service and companionship as that's more my style of comfortability anyway.

Well, thank you littlesarbonn, at least I know they do exist.

quote:

It would be extremely unethical for a dominant to allow a slave to consent to a situation, completely change around the situation, and then suggest the slave is somehow forcing an inappropriate obligation on the dominant. The dominant agreed to a set of expectations within the relationship just as much as the slave does.

And we all know that no one ever goes through a lull, a low point in their sex drive or interest in "playing", right? No one goes into a relationship expecting that to happen, but the truth is, it does... all the time. What "inappropriate obligation" are we talking about here LA?? It's a relationship!! If it feels more like an obligation then by all means get out now... God forbid you let emotional ties keep you from getting what you want.

Service and companionship are important parts of an M/s relationship, it isn't possible to be in the mood for kink ALL the time. There has to be something else. As far as I'm concerned the kink is just a perk, the treat at the end of a satisfying meal. Granted I like my desert, but I couldn't live on it.

quote:

Sorry to insist, but words do mean things.

quote:

There is in fact a point where the grand safari of "relationship inclusion" twists words beyond all meaning and purpose, making them merely underworld jargon. Not all of us have to goosestep to this drum; some hold strong to the idea that words, concepts and titles have meaning beyond the makeshift relativism of "inventive BDSM relationship dynamics".

Just want to say thank you amayos, very well stated.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 19

RE: Mistress wants companionship - 3/9/2006 5:08:42 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

ShiftedJewel, it seems you comepletely misunderstood LA's post. She said it would be unethical to suggest the slave is forcing an "inappropriate obligation" on the master when she wants more play time.

And Amayos, if you really do not understand that your slave obeys you because it suits her to do so, then personally I want a little of whatever it is you are smoking. Unless you have total control of her mind, then every time you give a command, she conciously decides to obey it...that is just the way things are.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Mistress wants companionship

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.102