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RE: Allowing Friends - 3/11/2006 6:32:33 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rayvenred

I have a question about friends and the approval of friends by a Master/Mistress. When you take on a slave/submissive do You as have the right to tell then who there friends are? I'm a slave and was told that by a Dom not to long ago and it just didn't seem right to me. So I thought I'd ask other Dom\mes.
Rayvenred

An interesting question--I address it two ways--is it friends or someone trying to lure you away from your current situation--When the boy and I started chatting, one of the things we talked about were friends and family--I am a realist--at the end of the day when the chains are put away--there exists a human being with needs--needs IMHEO that cannot in any stretch of the imagine be totally fulfilled by ONE person in their lives ( That is MY opinion only, don't load the flame throwers!) and to do so is IMHO not healthy--we all need "community" whether its friends or family--and I quite frankly think if a Dominant eliminates one's friends and family it smacks of deep seated fear, insecurity, and lack of trust.

Now, there is a difference in friends that are-- as has been stated damaging and those trying to "sniff"---I trust the boy, he is an adult--he has friends and I have friends, in and out of the life--we share them with each other, real time and in our chats---if a Domme was sniffing around, he is old enough to send them politely on their way--we both trust--

Damaging friends are a different story---we are often too involved in the drama to see the damage at times and a good word to the wise helps clear the head at times.

But to eliminate friends is IMO--childish.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to rayvenred)

Post #: 21

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/11/2006 7:07:32 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

quote:

A master gives you a leash and tells you to drop your dog off at the pound. What do you do?

I guess getting rid of my animals is a hard limit :)

My cats were actually discussed before I ever entered a relationship with my Lord. I knew that he didn't like cats so I just asked, "If I was yours would you make me get rid of my cats?" His response was that he would never have a cat live in his house. I could keep my cats but I would not live in his house until I no longer had cats. I could live with that.

A few months after I became his, alandra calls me and says they have just been to the pet store and he stood there looking at all the kittens in the store and says "I want to get a kitten". He didn't get one that day, but he talked about it often after that. A few months later he calls me at work and says, a friend has a 3 month old kitten that they need to give to a good home and wanted to know how my cats would react to a cat already being in the house when we moved in. So now he is the proud owner of a devilish little kitten named Angel. lol

Never say never, and make sure you know your perspective dominants opinion on the things that are important in your life. We still laugh over his statement, "I will never have a cat living in my house!"

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 22

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/11/2006 10:45:11 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rayvenred

I have a question about friends and the approval of friends by a Master/Mistress. When you take on a slave/submissive do You as have the right to tell then who there friends are? I'm a slave and was told that by a Dom not to long ago and it just didn't seem right to me. So I thought I'd ask other Dom\mes.
Rayvenred

I simply see it as ones level of authority. I have this level of authority in my slaves life. It's something that she needs and I want. To me it's a simple matter of one being enslaved and one saying they're a slave.

Do I cut her off totally from friends and family? No. At least none that are conducive to a happy, healthy relationship.

Would I? Yes. If I see that they are not content in letting us be who and how we wish to be.

Have I? Yes. These people are simply not worth having in my slaves life.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to rayvenred)

Post #: 23

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/11/2006 11:04:11 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

i understand this clearly as my Master is the same. i have told some friends, tone it down if they wish to remain in touch. He has only cut two people off - both decisions were in my best interest.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 24

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/11/2006 7:08:21 PM

nslut4whtmaster

Posts: 40
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

My Master is the same way as well and He has only cut one friend out of my life due to her own lack of respect towards Him. She was in the lifestyle so she knew that her actions would get her shown the door. i missed her at first but now i see that her refusal of issuing an apology showed she did not want to remain friends in the first play. Is it right? yes, it is when you are owned your Master/Mistress makes those decisions for your own well-being.

ns

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 25

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/11/2006 7:17:36 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

My cats were actually discussed before I ever entered a relationship with my Lord. I knew that he didn't like cats so I just asked, "If I was yours would you make me get rid of my cats?" His response was that he would never have a cat live in his house. I could keep my cats but I would not live in his house until I no longer had cats. I could live with that.

A few months after I became his, alandra calls me and says they have just been to the pet store and he stood there looking at all the kittens in the store and says "I want to get a kitten". He didn't get one that day, but he talked about it often after that. A few months later he calls me at work and says, a friend has a 3 month old kitten that they need to give to a good home and wanted to know how my cats would react to a cat already being in the house when we moved in. So now he is the proud owner of a devilish little kitten named Angel. lol

Never say never, and make sure you know your perspective dominants opinion on the things that are important in your life. We still laugh over his statement, "I will never have a cat living in my house!"

Knight's kyra

*nod* It sounds like you had a good compromise worked out. I mean, neither of you gives up something you really want, and the kitties don't have to be abandoned.

For me, I've taken on the responsiblity of my kitties lives. I can't ditch them. I wouldn't get invovled in a relationship where the person would -ask- me to get rid of that responsiblity. But then, I wouldn't be in any relationship, vanilla or kinky, where my potential partner wasn't ok with my pets, especially if they predate the partner.

I'm gladfor this thread, I thought I'd considered most everything I could be asked, but my pets hadn't even entereed my mind.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 26

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/11/2006 9:07:20 PM

B1gbear

Posts: 81
Joined: 5/7/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rayvenred

I have a question about friends and the approval of friends by a Master/Mistress. When you take on a slave/submissive do You as have the right to tell then who there friends are? I'm a slave and was told that by a Dom not to long ago and it just didn't seem right to me. So I thought I'd ask other Dom\mes.
Rayvenred

You betcha! That doesn't mean that a Master won't let you have friends or approve of most of the ones you choose. But if I see a slave of mine wanting to form a friendship with someone I think is wrong for her or simply a bad idea....I won't hesitate for a second to say no to that friendship. Any Master/Mistress who doesn't do what is best for their sub/slave regarding friends as well as the other parts of the relationship, is being negligent in my mind.

Just my 2 cents worth.

(in reply to rayvenred)

Post #: 27

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/11/2006 11:07:33 PM

unownedredhead

Posts: 498
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet

A master gives you a leash and tells you to drop your dog off at the pound. What do you do?

My dog? He is my bestfriend and has been there when no one else has. Even slaves have limits. I don't think a true Master would ask a slave to do something that would hurt her. But, mabe that was your point.

dina

_____________________________

Kneeling trembling at your feet

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 28

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/13/2006 9:34:18 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic
*nod* It sounds like you had a good compromise worked out. I mean, neither of you gives up something you really want, and the kitties don't have to be abandoned.

actually I wouldn't consider it a compromise that all. Since in my mind compromise means giving up something of lesser value for something of more value.

As kyra pointed out, I was dead set again having cats in my house. However, one thing that she wasn't aware of until much later. I have this tendency to always question those things I am against and why. I question ... IS IT STILL VALID.

I never was put in a postion to question my acceptance of cats, with kyra in my life, that changed. I found as I reconsidered the reasons behind my desire not to have cats in my house that they where not rational or based on experiences. In fact, all my experiences with cats have been rather positive. I spent several months considering my affinity to cats. After alot of consideration, I realize that having a cat or cats wouldn't be the same hard thinking that was in the past. In fact, I found myself really appreciating cats, I found alot of fun playing around with kyra's cats when i made my visits to florida. I found myself - wanting to have a cat.

In the end, it wasn't a compromise, but a change of my own thinking in consideration of cats.

I agree that pets are sometimes part of the dynamics of relationships just like the friendships that come with the relationship. We sometimes will make compromises, other times thou, it is an opportunity to change the way we think on things. kyra has done that for me... in times past... so has alandra!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 29

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/13/2006 10:39:20 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

You're right, compromise was a bad word to use.

Regardless, it makes me feel good. I'm a member of a pet rescue community on LJ and it shocks me how many animals are rehomed because the owners boyfriend/girlfriend/partner "doesn't like" the animal. It's truly rare that someone works something out for the critters.

Off topic, I know,but with everything...like I said...made me feel good and madem e think.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 30

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/16/2006 7:49:20 PM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

I do not try and control who my little one nteracts with or how. I fully trust she knows how to conduct herself and will do so in the proper manner. There was a person she knew before we fond one another, who since became unruly,, making sexually suggestive comments and behaving in a poor manner. She tried to handle it, by just ignoring his phone calls and being invisible on her IM. Wehen she finally told me we had a discussion on why she didn't tell me at first rather than trying to handle it on her own. I gave her an option you handle it or I will, the hiding is not a solution. She handled it and he has behaved like a model citizen.

She still keeps in touch with her mentor and his female friend. I neither restrict her or monitor those conversations. Bottom line I trust her, she is here because it is what she wanted so I have no fear of anyone or anything disrupting our relationship. Should a problem arise I will handle but until then, shrugs.

K

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 31

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/17/2006 5:34:30 AM

HentaiGamerKitty

Posts: 131
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

It really depends upon the level and nature of your devotion; are you owned, as in a slave who is property of a Master? Or are you more a submissive, who bases her relations to a dominant upon negotiative factors? Or are you actually a girl with merely a kinky boyfriend? The answers will change within any of the above catagories.

I totally agree with this. I'm more along the lines of "kinky" rather than submissive and there is no way in hell I'd let anybody tell me who to hang out with. The first thing I tell any man I get with is "Never ask me to abandon my family, my friends or my pets. They were here before you and they will be here long after you are gone." HOWEVER, if you are a slave then you no longer have the right to make a statement like that. So think very carefully before commiting to a decision to have a master.

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 32

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/17/2006 5:36:48 AM

HentaiGamerKitty

Posts: 131
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: perverseangelic

quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

A master gives you a leash and tells you to drop your dog off at the pound. What do you do?

Wrap the leash around his pecker and lead him to the Dom recycling facility.Hopefully they can turn him into something better than a piece of crap on the next try.

Amen.

I guess getting rid of my animals is a hard limit :)

BIG ditto. My animals stay. Any man who doesn't like them as much as I do can get the hell out. Hard limit for me. They are my children and I have made a commitment to them!

Whenever I hear about someone getting rid of an animal "cause significant other doesn't like it" I just want to slap that person. It absolutely infuriates me. Taking in a pet is like having a child. You are responsible for that animal for the REST OF ITS LIFE!

< Message edited by HentaiGamerKitty -- 3/17/2006 5:39:59 AM >

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 33

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/17/2006 9:06:37 AM

LadyMorgynn

Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline

I didn't interpret this as being that the OP was not *allowed* to have friends, but that the Dom was holding the right to approve or disapprove friends. I certainly would allow My slave to have friends! Even, I would encourage that! Would he be allowed to have a friend whom I disapproved of? Nope. I want a healthy, functioning slave, not one who is isolated and cut off from the "real" world. At the same time, as his Mistress, I must insist on maintaining control over his environment. Which, I might add, is *my* environment, one way or another!

quote:

ORIGINAL: rayvenred

I have a question about friends and the approval of friends by a Master/Mistress. When you take on a slave/submissive do You as have the right to tell then who there friends are? I'm a slave and was told that by a Dom not to long ago and it just didn't seem right to me. So I thought I'd ask other Dom\mes.
Rayvenred

_____________________________

---
Lady Morgynn
www.farhorizons.net/LadyMorgynn

(in reply to rayvenred)

Post #: 34

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/17/2006 11:59:59 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I have a question about friends and the approval of friends by a Master/Mistress. When you take on a slave/submissive do You as have the right to tell then who there friends are? I'm a slave and was told that by a Dom not to long ago and it just didn't seem right to me. So I thought I'd ask other Dom\mes.
Rayvenred

It's differant for everyone. Sir has never come right out and said "I don't like person X, and I disallow you to spend any more time with them or be their friend."

However, he's more apt to say "You know, I caught what Person X said/did and I question whether they are a loyal friend to you. You might want to think about that."

He's no comfortable micromanaging my life by summarily denying me the people who I've chosen to surround myself with. He's much more comfortable making me think, and is forever encouraging me to take a 'big picture view' of things around me. This has, on occassion, lead to me reassessing a friendship and making some changes based on his questioning a particular trait, action or characteristic.

Kassie

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to rayvenred)

Post #: 35

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/17/2006 2:49:41 PM

SimplyV

Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rayvenred

I have a question about friends and the approval of friends by a Master/Mistress. When you take on a slave/submissive do You as have the right to tell then who there friends are? I'm a slave and was told that by a Dom not to long ago and it just didn't seem right to me. So I thought I'd ask other Dom\mes.
Rayvenred

As a submissive... yes I had "friends" that were removed from me. Actually it was just one friend. A friend who would play with my emotions like a violin. I could be all happy, then 5 min with this friend I was nearly suicidal. Or I'd talk to the friend and be all sad, then suddenly i'd be happy. That particular friend manipulated my emotions and thoughts to whatever "pleased" that friend that day. It was not a healthy friendship for me and my ex-Master denied me contact with that friend as I myself could not see what was happening to me. After my Master and I broke up.. I contacted that friend. I saw what a manipulative ass that friend really was, and am thankful to my ex-Master for helping me. Sometimes when you're in a relationship you don't see things as clearly as others outside that relationship do.

As for anyone under my control.. yes I will reserve the right to deny them friendships. By this I mean, friendships that I deem are not beneficial for them. For instance, I do not allow them to be friends with people who will push drugs on them or give them access to drugs. I don't want drugs in my life and they are part of my life.. so I don't want them around it either. If all their current friends are druggies, guess what.. they'll have to get new friends. I don't deny them friendships. Actually I encourage it. I just want them to have friends that are good people, not a lead weight around their feet.

(in reply to rayvenred)

Post #: 36

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/17/2006 8:06:23 PM

jennalynn

Posts: 67
Joined: 3/17/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Most definitely... but consider this

I will restrict my girls from eating specfic foods... (for whatever reason) but I do not restrict their ability to eat!

I will restrict my girls from certain relationships... (for whaterver reason) but I do not restrict their ability to have and grow relationships.

To eat is necessary for the well-being of my girls and so is having relationships!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

So well put, thank You!

< Message edited by jennalynn -- 3/17/2006 8:07:22 PM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 37

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/17/2006 9:48:39 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

A master can definitely decide who you will or will not interact with.

Which is why you should find out exactly what their expectations will be BEFORE committing to that situation.

That is the short version and should be posted wher you can read it daily. Thank you LA

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

When you enter a D/s relationship the submissive or slave is agreeing to the Dominants terms..The Dominant dicates the course of the relationship and all thats involved..thats what your submitting to. Now different dominants have different expectations..you have to find the right one for you...so yeah..find out exactly what your committing to before it starts.

That is the explanation to LA's short version.... Thank you jali

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: rayvenred
When you take on a slave/submissive do You as have the right to tell then who there friends are?

Most definitely... but consider this

I will restrict my girls from eating specfic foods... (for whatever reason) but I do not restrict their ability to eat!

I will restrict my girls from certain relationships... (for whaterver reason) but I do not restrict their ability to have and grow relationships.

To eat is necessary for the well-being of my girls and so is having relationships!

That is the rationale' for the short version and explanation.... Thank you KoM

If I restrict a kajiora for any reason, it will be for one of three reasons..

For her own good
As part of training
As punishment

In every case I will inform her as to why I am restricting her from what ever. In certain cases I will leave the chanells open for further investigation and/or discussion..

Regarding friends, should I find she has friends who are anti our lifestyle and are attempting to have here leave.. They will be persona non gratis and will be informed of the status and the possible reprocussions if they try to rock my boat.....

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 38

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/18/2006 4:15:20 PM

erebus

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

I expect My submissives to have full lives that include family, friends, co-workers, etc.
So long as there is not a problem with any of those individuals, then everything is fine.

And some of U/us are simply stuck having to deal with disagreeable and interfering relatives because of family obligations. A good example of setting limits with a problem person would be - It is fine for you to be civil and polite with that persons(s) at family gatherings, but DO NOT invite them to spend time alone with U/us or allow them to call
on the phone at any time day or night.

I would be very worried about a Dom or Domme who forbids a sub/slave to have the friends they desired. I agree this is a form of isolation and is a warning sign the Dom/Domme may be abusive.

In my relationships, my submissive has always had a life of her own. I may not like this friend or that, but the decision whether to interact with them is a matter for the sub/slave to decide.

I like an independent thinker, one who will offer opinions. That comes from living a full life. It's just that the final decision is mine.

If the sub/slave asked me to intercede in that aspect of her life, then that may be a different story. But that has never happened!

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 39

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/18/2006 4:23:39 PM

erebus

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/15/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BIG ditto. My animals stay. Any man who doesn't like them as much as I do can get the hell out. Hard limit for me. They are my children and I have made a commitment to them!

Whenever I hear about someone getting rid of an animal "cause significant other doesn't like it" I just want to slap that person. It absolutely infuriates me. Taking in a pet is like having a child. You are responsible for that animal for the REST OF ITS LIFE!

Anyone who would ask that of a person, dom, sub or otherwise, is not worthy of human (or animal) companionship.

Animals are innocent creatures. Once you take on the responsibility for that animal, that responsibility lasts to the end of their life or yours. I have five rescued dogs and now, three trescued cats. If a prospective partner said, me or them, well, it ain't going to be the animals, that's for sure.

The hardest of hard limits! I have risked my life to save animals, and I would do it again. I've been bitten more than once!

(in reply to HentaiGamerKitty)

Post #: 40

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