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RE: Allowing Friends - 3/18/2006 6:06:55 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

I think animals as a hard limit, either for or against, is rather asinine. Just my personal belief, but one should not pass by the prospect of a happier life because of an animal.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to rayvenred)

Post #: 41

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/18/2006 6:08:30 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

I think animals as a hard limit, either for or against, is rather asinine. Just my personal belief, but one should not pass by the prospect of a happier life because of an animal.

and what if that animal or animals is actually a contributor to that happier life for them... is it still asinine then?

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 42

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/18/2006 7:31:39 PM

HentaiGamerKitty

Posts: 131
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

I think animals as a hard limit, either for or against, is rather asinine. Just my personal belief, but one should not pass by the prospect of a happier life because of an animal.

I take it you are not a hard core animal lover. The bond you form with the pet is every bit as strong as that I would form with a child or spouse. They are a major contributer to my having a "happy life." No life without animals would be happy for me, regardless of who I was with.

Do you feel the same way about children? Because to some of us our animals are children. Do you think it's right for a woman to pass on a man because she has kids and he doesn't want them there? My animals are my best friends and more important than ANY man.

< Message edited by HentaiGamerKitty -- 3/18/2006 7:33:29 PM >

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 43

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/18/2006 7:49:40 PM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

My dog was here long before the man was, and in most cases will be there long after the man has left. I don't care if someone's king james casinva the 15th if he didn't like pets he wouldnt even get as far as introductions with me/

(in reply to HentaiGamerKitty)

Post #: 44

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/18/2006 9:31:19 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

My dom allows me to utilise my own sound judgement of chosing my own friends.

I have been in a relationship whereby the partner, did not chose who'm i was friends with, nor did he make a definative as to who or who not i could be friends with.
But there's more than one way to skin a cat. That same partner isolated me from my friends, by insiduously over time, isolating me. He became rather controlling by passive aggressive behaviour. Simply put, it was easier to stay in than to go out. Of course that particular self fullfilling prophecy came true, i dumped him. Im a gregarious person, no one person could possibly fill the space i have for socialising, debating, and what man can you have girlie nights out/in with?
So although a Dom might not outright say, 'you may not see *name* again', he may, by manipulation, bring about the same ends. Its not always as black and white as the op may suggest.

another area of grey i face right now: i have a friend who has a mental illness. Every 18 months or so, they relapse. When my friend is ill, i get hurt. Im hurt in the context of my friend responding to what is, her real set of beliefs/paranoia.
My Sir has witnessed some of the damage caused me, by my friend. He naturally is concerned to protect what is his.
Consequently, my friend is on a 'last strike rule' by my Dom. One more hurtful scenario, and i will be stopped from seeing the friend. I undrestand this point of view. So now, its a race between my friends recovery, and our allowed friendship. My friend is exercising her right to not medicate. I have seen my friend dissappear on meds, and its true what my friends perception is, medicated, they are half dead/half alive. Where as unmedicated, she enjoys periods of wellness, and she is great. I get my old friend back. We are great together, and have been friends for just under 10yrs now. My Dom has been around for 18 months.
So ive taken to minimising the amount of time i am 'exposed'. I keep quite about things that occur when i meet her, that have upset me. Im hiding stuff. That is not right. But the other alternative, to me seems so wrong. Maybe i need to submit to my Sir's wishes. Trust him to make the right decision. But that would be turning my back on a old friend in need. And THAT goes against what is, at the core, part of me. I am a carer. A nuturer. I do it professionally in my work. I cant walk away when she is ill. Im not a fairweather friend. I am a friend.

So, i struggle with this at the moment. Im dealing with it, by ignoring it. I dont like to ponder how it will be, when cut off time is forced by my Sir, for the good of us/me?

littleone

< Message edited by Sirandlittle1 -- 3/18/2006 9:32:56 PM >

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 45

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/19/2006 8:08:39 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirandlittle1

So ive taken to minimising the amount of time i am 'exposed'. I keep quite about things that occur when i meet her, that have upset me. Im hiding stuff. That is not right. But the other alternative, to me seems so wrong.

So... What is more wrong?... HIDING... and in effect LYING to your Master.... or Maintaining a relationship that is causing you stress and unhappiness?

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 46

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/19/2006 11:39:50 AM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

To Sir and littleone...Wow..rock and hard place to say the least..You have a friend of many years who needs you,you are not a fairweather friend, but a friend in deed.You have had many a good time when, said friend is well, emotionally/mentally,that speaks a lot of your loyalty...but..the other side of the coin is, this friendship, is creating a problem within your own life with your Master (unbeknownst to him thus far),here you are showing a lack of loyalty,or honesty.Tough call...and one I hope never to face...that being said..this situation will not be able to continue,always know it will be discovered,better to come clean with all...before it causes irreparable harm..Easy for me to give you my opinion and ideas..harder for you to do what needs to be done..Ok..here is my idea..and not hard to figure out I am sure..First talk with friend explain to her how her situation is affecting your relationship with your Master talk it out ,come to some compromise of a sort..Then come clean to your Master admit your failings,explain your reasoning ,inform him of your conversation with friend and the compromise you have worked out between you .Then sit back and wait for the storm to hit,the lectures to start,and your feelings of disappointment within yourself to begin..Then maybe..that which you dread will not come to pass...you will not know until you face it head on ..rather than hiding it all in the shadows..come what may...If you trust your Master to always do what he thinks is best for you,then you must abide by what ever he decides.....I wish you the best..be well...Tempting

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 47

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/19/2006 1:07:34 PM

enslavegirl

Posts: 111
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline

yes a Master/Dom can and does control social contacts

(in reply to rayvenred)

Post #: 48

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/19/2006 1:29:11 PM

HentaiGamerKitty

Posts: 131
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: enslavegirl

yes a Master/Dom can and does control social contacts

A master controls social contacts. A dom doesn't. There's a difference (and that's why I'm not interested in having a master!)

(in reply to enslavegirl)

Post #: 49

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/19/2006 3:08:33 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

Actually, a Dom can control social contact. It depends on negotiations between the Domanint and submissive.

This is the way I see the differences being: a Master/Mistress/Owner will control social contact, a Dom/me can control social contact and a Top/Play-partner can't/won't control social contact. Of course, I prescribe to many of the older notions of defined roles within BDSM.

< Message edited by MrDiscipline44 -- 3/19/2006 3:15:16 PM >

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to HentaiGamerKitty)

Post #: 50

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/19/2006 3:38:16 PM

HentaiGamerKitty

Posts: 131
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

Actually, a Dom can control social contact. It depends on negotiations between the Domanint and submissive.

This is the way I see the differences being: a Master/Mistress/Owner will control social contact, a Dom/me can control social contact and a Top/Play-partner can't/won't control social contact. Of course, I prescribe to many of the older notions of defined roles within BDSM.

For me, "master" implies control over all aspects of one's life..."dom" implies control only in the bedroom.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 51

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/19/2006 3:49:23 PM

ArtCatDom

Posts: 478
Joined: 1/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rayvenred

I have a question about friends and the approval of friends by a Master/Mistress. When you take on a slave/submissive do You as have the right to tell then who there friends are? I'm a slave and was told that by a Dom not to long ago and it just didn't seem right to me. So I thought I'd ask other Dom\mes.
Rayvenred

I would generally be wary of this kind of situation for a couple of reasons.

An attempt to isolate someone from their social supports (friends and family) is a red flag to be sure. It is a hallmark of (potentially) abusive relationships. Even kink-aware mental health professionals will support that assertion.

Also, it is my opinion, that BDSM relationships are like any other relationship in that such an attempt to isolate you is distinctly unhealthy.

It's also to me a potential sign of some deep-rooted insecurity. Many so-called Dom(me)s who would isolate their subs do so because they are worried frineds/family of the sub will break them apart.

That all being said, there is a world of distinction between an attempt to isolate someone and being firm about a sub not contiually subjecting themselves to the dramas and ill influence of a couple bad apples.

I would just recommend to consider the situation carefully.

*meow*

(in reply to rayvenred)

Post #: 52

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/19/2006 7:51:32 PM

wetrope

Posts: 117
Joined: 8/9/2004
From: GATINEAU, PQ
Status: offline

I encourage my sub to sociallize, to talk, to flirt, to sometimes even show herself--of course during a demonstration of voyeuring which she does for me. I think to restrict a slave or sub in this way, is not healthy, neither for me nor for her. I would also be careful about someone who restricted contact with family, or with pets.

_____________________________

Wetrope

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 53

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/19/2006 8:01:43 PM

SirKenin

Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rayvenred

I have a question about friends and the approval of friends by a Master/Mistress. When you take on a slave/submissive do You as have the right to tell then who there friends are? I'm a slave and was told that by a Dom not to long ago and it just didn't seem right to me. So I thought I'd ask other Dom\mes.
Rayvenred

You might as a Master/Dom have that right, dependin on your mutual agreement, but it is a right I would never exercise, save for one condition, as follows.

When My former sub had a profile on this site, she was constantly harassed by wannabe "Doms" to be with them and soliciting her for sexual favours even when she told them that she was with Me. That pissed Me off to no end, and gave Me a new appreciation for subs here tolerating all the bullshit from these horny losers that call themselves "doms" just so they can get into a girl's pants. In that case, and only in that case, I felt the need to put My foot down and tell her that she may not talk to them.

Other than that, My policy is to give My subs as much freedom surrounding friends as possible. I personally believe that it is very important for them to have plenty of friends that they can socialize with.

_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

(in reply to rayvenred)

Post #: 54

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/19/2006 8:25:32 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HentaiGamerKitty
For me, "master" implies control over all aspects of one's life..."dom" implies control only in the bedroom.

As I said, I presribe to many of the older notions of defined roles in BDSM.

To elaborate, a Top is someone that only dominantes in the bedroom or a scene. A Dominant is the leader of the submissives life in all aspect they agree upon. A Master is in control reguardless of what the submissive may or may not want.

So all in all, I could care less about what you define a Dom to be just as you most likely could care less about how I define the role. I only spoke up because you made a definitive comment to another that may or may not have carried the same view. Keep in mind that there is more then one point of view to any given situation.

quote:

ORIGINAL: HentaiGamerKitty
A master controls social contacts. A dom doesn't. There's a difference (and that's why I'm not interested in having a master!)

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to HentaiGamerKitty)

Post #: 55

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/26/2006 6:48:09 PM

Takethiswaltz

Posts: 199
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet

A master gives you a leash and tells you to drop your dog off at the pound. What do you do?

A master tells you to never talk to your parents again. What do you do?

A master tells you to dump your friends. What do you do?

A real dom would only give you these task for your well being rather than just seeing how servient you really are. Some friends can truely be nothing but trouble. If you know you love each other and have decided to commit yourself to the relationship, then you're just going to have to trust his judgment. A good Dom/Master knows to make there sub/slaves give up the things that are hurting them regardless of how fun or enjoyable they may be.

Very well said. I love my dog, my friends and my family, but if my dominant saw harm in any of those relationships, I would welcome the direction.

_____________________________

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in...

~Leonard Cohen~

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 56

RE: Allowing Friends - 3/27/2006 2:10:29 AM

CanadianGuy

Posts: 219
Status: offline

Good question! :)

My submissive has online friends, and at times in the past has had questionable conversations with some of them. I've made it clear that she's to report any relationship which has an aspect of sexuality, control, pain, affection, or romantic emotion. I've ended relationships with certain older dominant-type guys who were interested in her for the wrong reasons. I definitely encourage her to have friends, although she doesn't make them easily because many people don't understand her very well. It's something we'll continue to work on.

I guess it's a balancing act. On one hand, I can be insecure (partly because of her past "mistakes") and I do need to have control over her relationships, which could be problematic for one of many reasons. On the other hand, I want to support her self esteem and personality by encouraging her to have healthy friendships with other people. Like I said, it's a continuing issue, and it has provoked some thoughts. Thanks!

(in reply to perverseangelic)

Post #: 57

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