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confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 8:06:02 PM   
cravinspankin


Posts: 127
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		Have any of you submissives/slaves felt a need to be at least chastised, if not disciplined in some way, for a failure, but it never came?
If so, how do you deal with that?
I'm not questioning whether He is wrong or right in the way he handled the situation, but hoping someone may help me deal with this in my own mind in the event something similar should occur again.

The situation:
We've been seeing each other several months, though only on occasion, as his schedule is tight. However, we talk every night on the phone.
Recently he was to do a demo for a group that i'm head of. I had offered to get the supplies for him, to take care of it so that he need not have that to deal with. I wanted to do that, as a way of serving him.
The day of the event, the weather was bad, i was in a rush to get things organized and done, and even decide if the event should go on, or cancel cause the roads were expected to get icy that night.
The store i went to didn't have the exact product he wanted -- unscented , flat top votive candles. (This was for a wax demo, and this particular Dom prefers unscented cause they tend to burn at lower temps than scented ones).
By now, i needed to get to the location to set up, etc. So i ended up getting the vanilla scented ones.
When he got there, i told him about the situation with the candles. He clearly wasn't happy, said he doesn't like to use something that he's suggesting others don't use. I offered to go get more, but the hostess fortunately had some unscented tealight candles that worked perfectly.
ok.. so it worked out.
But it left me feeling guilty and that i had failed to perform what I had said I would do. I was the one who offered to take care of his needs, to take that burden off him, to serve him that way, then failed.
He never said another word about it... i kept feeling the need to have him scold me or even discipline me. For him, it wasn't that big a deal since it worked out in the end.
In fact, he even ended up playing me that night in a wonderful, very erotic scene for me.
He's a wonderful Dom, a wonderful man, and I really like that he's also a practical Dom, without unrealistic expectations.
But it left me feeling like I had been rewarded for my failure.
The next day, i apologized to him for the incident, expressed how bad i felt about it, and my confusion over the feelings that I was rewarded when i should have been disciplined or even punished. He said it was just no big deal, and i believe Him, of course.
But it's all left me confused over why i had a hard time getting over the guilt of failing Him.
How would ya'll deal with this guilt, this feeling of failure, this feeling like i should have gotten a discipline that never came?
Am i nuts? lol


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 8:19:30 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Well he's probably not mad at you because you made the effort to take care of things and instead of no candles made an effort to still provide them with a perfectly reasonable explaination as to why. In the end you also managed to procure the right item so no harm done.

I guess my question to you is why you feel that you should be punished?

This is one of those situations where all I can think of is dog training logic. If you want your dog to come and ultimatly sit to your left after walking a circle around you you'll break it into steps. If you tell the dog to come and it runs up and sits in front of you...what would the result be if you yelled at swung or scolded the dog? Next time you say come it won't. Why? Because you punished it for making the effort of doing what you want.

Obviously not that you in any way relate to a dog but the theory applies if you're punished for making an effort the next time that it's too much trouble you won't bother.

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 8:19:35 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline 		Perhaps he is simply a very understanding man, knowing you cannot be held accountable for certain things beyond your capacity to control. It seems to me you did your best to obey and ran against an impossible set of obstructions: lack of time and the unavailability of a particular object. If so, that is perhaps what justifies the lack of corrective action being taken. Your spirit was certainly there, and to punish you for this would be akin to punishing you for the bad weather.





< Message edited by amayos -- 3/8/2006 8:23:40 PM >

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 8:28:12 PM   
Driver1961


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		He enters, dips His lid.

I started to cringe at first reading your post Cravingspankin (thinking it might be negative) but quickly warmed to your concern. On the basis that this developing relationship appears D/s, I offer my opinion.

You say He is a practical man....and the relationship is developing. Everyone's expectations and consequences are different. May I suggest that you expected some violent consequence? You appear to have genuinely attempted to serve Him and expressed this to Him. You now realize that you should be better organized in future. You know that He has made a judgement on you and that your actions (including the apology) reflect upon your sincerity, personal judgements and self-reflective abilities.
You know that your next service of Him should be flawless of critcism to reflect your learning from this incident.

I would suggest that it is a positive learning exercise for a developing relationship and that you should discuss your 'feeling' of being rewarded with Him. It may pay to examine what negativity you hold within that may cause future troubles in a D/s relationship. Maybe you should politely and respectfully beg that He instruct you to do an essay on 'Should failure be rewarded or punished?' with you quoting personal experience to justify your opinion and also three legitimate references to justify your words.


And finally you are NOT NUTS! but reacting from your past learning of how someone with less or no self-control may behave?

I trust I have been of some assistance,


Warm regards Paul. Sir to His Wild and His Angel



< Message edited by Driver1961 -- 3/8/2006 8:30:03 PM >

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 8:31:43 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		humm ...well...One could look at this in different ways..first since it turned out well, to him it actually wasnt a big deal, as he said..now if it hadnt turned out well maybe he would of been more upset.however..he more than likely knew you were truly repentent,and that you had punished yourself more than he could of and let it go at that..after all you made a small effort not as much maybe as you think you should of but an effort nonetheless..and gracious it was just candles...soo...I think that you got your play that night was his way of saying quit beating yourself up ..all is good...second wa y this could be looked at is by not formally punishing you he knows this will weigh on you for a bit and that you will reflect on your failure and not repeat it again..or..you are disappointed that he did not punish you and that gives you feelings of confusion or worry?I say talk it out with him express your concerns and if he once again reiterates not to worry about it then you must believe and let it go...it is after all up to him to punish or not..correct?...be well Tempting

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 9:00:32 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		If some of the wonderful replies you received here help to understand where He is coming from, yet you still feel the need to "pay for it" or do something about it...

...might i suggest you go out of your way to do something special for him that you know he would truly enjoy? Similarly to you, i don't see my Master daily...so surprising him out of the blue with some "enjoyable" photos of myself...or a vividly detailed erotica story written for him, complete with the things that turn him on the most....well you get the idea...as an offering. It might help you feel cleansed for having worked at something for him that he will enjoy. And if he enjoys it - well that's the ultimate point, isn't it?

A desire to be pleasing is far from nuts.

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 9:34:49 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Wow.. I see this totally differently than everyone else. You waited till the day of the event to get the supplies when you could have gotten them sooner. On top of that, you're the one who asked if you could help, then you didn't! You screwed up. In my opinion, you should have been punished for that and if I were you, I would have asked him for that punishment. I think you know that, and that's why you're feeling bad about this situation. Instead of asking for your just desserts, you just got plain old dessert.

I'd feel bad, too, if I were you. You can try to make ammends now and ask for what you deserved then although I don't know how long ago this was, so he might have forgotten it by now. I would explain to him that you are already punishing yourself anyway and he can help you through that if he will take control of that punishment. Leave it in his hands.

Good luck to you,

Celeste




_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 9:41:13 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

You waited till the day of the event to get the supplies when you could have gotten them sooner.


i saw that also but maybe it was the day of the demo that they talked about this...was giving benefit of doubt. i always agree with talking about it, however.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 10:09:36 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

i saw that also but maybe it was the day of the demo that they talked about this...was giving benefit of doubt. i always agree with talking about it, however.



The wording of the post is such that the discussion and offer to get the supplies took place prior to the day of the demo. However, ok.. giving her the benefit of the doubt.. say she did offer on that day. She was aware of the weather since she considered cancelling the demo all together, she was in a rush which means she was in a time crunch and if she knew that, she shouldn't have offered to get the supplies in the first place because she mismanaged her time. She didn't delegate that task to anyone and only by luck, were the proper candles available.

In my view, she fucked up, pure and simple. Hey, shit happens all the time and in no way do I think anything was done purposefully, but she's the one who feels bad now and that needs to be addressed.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 10:18:35 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		If you feel the need to be punished in some way, then ask him to do so...really pretty simple if you ask me.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 10:18:59 PM   
roughleather


Posts: 232
Joined: 11/11/2004
Status: offline 		The masochist says "hurt me". The sadist says "No".

That's where you are right now.

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 10:55:50 PM   
MTslave


Posts: 153
Joined: 12/15/2005
Status: offline 		might I offer my own experience and opinion on this.

To me, what I see happeneing here is a submissive who is the type that needs to have hard core tight boundaries. A definate black and white system no shades of gray. I am very much like that myself. I agree in the fact that this sub should have been more on the ball to get things done in a timely manner however, in my personal experience I would have to say this. Her relationship in whatever stage it is in... had it's established boundaries that she knew, but leading up to this incident I'm thinking those boundaries got lax... now whether she did this in the know or not I feel she probably screwed up to push those boundaries and to feel them close in on her. Then she would know they were still there and she could go on again. However, the punishment was not forthcomming and so now she feels like she is spiriling out of control. She doesn't know where those boundaries are, she feels lost, and like she's wandering in the night alone.

An example:
Master and I race cars. One night last season on the track we were watching a late race. I had been given a lot of freedom during the day cause there was just so much going on. It was the usual routine and the normal "looks" or "words" had not been given once through out the day. That night Master came toward me to speak to me and I turned... yes ladies and gentlemen.. I turned and walked away. Needless to say, I got reminded right quick of just exactly where those boundaries were. Now mind you I hated the punishment and complained heartily afterward.... but I have to be honest, it was like ying and yang were back in sync again.

Perhaps the boundaries are something you need to speak to your one about. See if there is something that is lacking or needing more of. Maybe you are not the type that is happy with just...assuming... the rules... these are all just thoughts... idea's... take em all with a grain of salt please...

humbly submitted
MTs slave

_____________________________

Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.”- Erica Jong

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 10:57:05 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

The masochist says "hurt me". The sadist says "No".

That's where you are right now.


With all due respect, I disgree with this completely. Punishment is, quite often, very cleansing in nature. It's an act of forgiveness for a wrong doing. I 'am' a masochist, but I never ask for punishment unless I truly deserve it and it never feels good. The pain from a spanking because you just like pain is quite different than the pain from a punishment in which it's your heart thats hurting because you have screwed up and you know it. Further, punishment is hardly the sort of thing that a slave will decide upon. When a slave is left to punish herself.. truly desires the punishment for a transgression, that punishment will not do it's job, not teach an intended lesson and not allow one to move passed it enlightened and more aware for the future so that the transgression is not repeated. Physical punishment is 'a' way for a Master to handle such a transgression.. but it's not the only way. The last punishment I got fit the transgression perfectly, taught me a valued lesson and I was grateful for it.. and, I did ask for it because I knew I had fucked up. It had nothing to do with being 'hurt' in the physical sense.. I was already hurting and that was much more painful than anything that could have been done to my backside or some other random body part.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to roughleather)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 10:59:20 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

Perhaps the boundaries are something you need to speak to your one about. See if there is something that is lacking or needing more of. Maybe you are not the type that is happy with just...assuming... the rules... these are all just thoughts... idea's... take em all with a grain of salt please...


Nice stated, MTslave.

I'm curious to see how this all comes out.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to MTslave)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 11:06:53 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble



The wording of the post is such that the discussion and offer to get the supplies took place prior to the day of the demo. However, ok.. giving her the benefit of the doubt.. say she did offer on that day. She was aware of the weather since she considered cancelling the demo all together, she was in a rush which means she was in a time crunch and if she knew that, she shouldn't have offered to get the supplies in the first place because she mismanaged her time. She didn't delegate that task to anyone and only by luck, were the proper candles available.

In my view, she fucked up, pure and simple. Hey, shit happens all the time and in no way do I think anything was done purposefully, but she's the one who feels bad now and that needs to be addressed.

Celeste


Agreed. Since i coordinate and plan and schedule and consider all options as part of my living, i take into account that not everyone else does that. You're right - nothing was done purposefully and in fact her intentions were good. But her bad feelings should be addressed, yes.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/8/2006 11:53:08 PM   
Crazytwice


Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline 		why impose perfectionism on your self when he clearly isnt expecting perfection?
A good Dom, you are lucky. Go with it.

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/9/2006 12:59:43 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		My sub has asked Me for correction when something just didn't affect Me as much as it did him.

I happily obliged.

Ask your Dom, either in writing, or verbally, to mete out a punishment for you for the specific 'offense'.

I know, I know, there will be long diatribes here along the lines of: 'well if I have to beg Him to punish Me it just isn't the same...' blah blah blah. I disagree. For one thing, making Him aware that you want to be punished will put the thought in his mind for the future and he'll be more likely to 'punish' you for a similar shortcoming the next time it happens.

You've already declared your feelings for him; simply asking him to punish or chastise you for something specific is a happy and workable compromise.

Texas Maam

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/9/2006 5:51:33 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'd deal with it by directly talking to him. Telling him "I still feel really guilty over this. I know it's just me being selfish and self-centered and making my feelings more important than the situation probably calls for, but this is how things are. Do you have any advice?"

And then he can give you advice. Sometimes doms will oblige with a punishment to help you absolve your feelings and yank yoiu out of your self-involved cycle (on the other hand, it could just reinforce the cycle). Sometimes doms will help by going over the situation and saying "So next time this happens, what steps will you take to make sure it doesn't happen again" and then waiting for the next opportunity. And sometimes you can talk through the cycle and how to keep feelings and perceptions in perspective.

And sometimes a mix of those or something completely different will help.

But nothing will happen until you just talk about it with him.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/9/2006 6:07:59 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline 		One way to look at this is that you immediately fessed up about not getting exactly what he wanted AND apologized for it.

It seems he accepted your apology.

For me, if I chose to accept someone's apology, I would consider it the end of the matter.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to cravinspankin)
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RE: confused by need for a reaction or even punishment - 3/9/2006 7:00:08 AM   
shiava


Posts: 23
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe, just maybe.........

The punishment is in letting you feel the guilt?

smiles

shi

(in reply to cravinspankin)
Profile   Post #: 20
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