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Mercnbeth -> RE: beating (11/5/2009 11:28:48 AM)
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~ Fast Reply ~
There has not been a reason for a "beating" or punishment in our relationship in well over 6 years. More a representation of compatibility along with clear, consistent and ongoing communication regarding responsibilities and expectations than anything else. However, as is the case with most new relationships there was a time or two or three when punishment, which I'll assume is what's being labeled as "beating" by the OP. The need for punishment wasn't for retribution. It wasn't for revenge or even getting even. It sure wasn't 'play' and most definitely not a 'scene'.
Physical punishment represented the end of the problem. It was the period at the end of a pre-punishment clarifying dialog. In other words it represented the problem was over and behind us.
Notice the reference to "us". The cause of the problem needing resolution by punishment isn't disclosing a failure by the submissive in the relationship. The need for punishment represents a failure on the part of BOTH parties. The Dominant didn't convey the importance of the issue. The submissive didn't comprehend, or put the proper priority, on the rules set within the dynamic. It is a condition that must be resolved before the relationship can move forward and thrive.
We accomplished this by trying to get to the cause. This isn't accomplished through a monologue and is especially not corrected by berating by the Dominant or rationalizing by the submissive. It is an opportunity to benchmark definitions used, and hopefully discussed, when there were no problems during the new relationship frenzy when everything was perfect and saying "SURE!" and "ABSOLUTELY!" where the only responses given to questions about whatever rules, rituals, and responsibilities were included in the relationship dynamic. Worse case, as often happens when frenzy gives way to reality, these discussions result in the relationship being over. "I can't do this!" "I didn't know you meant this would be a rule ALL THE TIME!" "I can't keep focused"; those words can come from either side of the paddle. Ideally though the talking and the tears shared serve to clarify and benchmark a re-commitment to the common relationship goals. Once getting to that point of the discussion the bad situation ends up providing a strong building block for progressing the relationship to higher plateaus and peaks. But there is still something more required; people have to move on.
The "beating" becomes the final shared communion that we have moved on. From experience, granted it was a long time ago, the physical "beating" was never close to a level obtained in play scenes or even regular daily intercourse. I could beat beth with a feather and generate tears. However those tears are cathartic; washing away whatever problem or issue was involved. Then it's over - forever. It isn't stored in memory by either party to use on the other. It isn't relationship coinage to be used against the submissive somewhere down the road.
That's the "WHY" for us. Obviously, this is just our dogma regarding the issue. We both see the need for punishment as failure. We both avoid it and protect each other from having to experience it. We LOVE our intense physical, and painful, play. We BOTH get too much pleasure experiencing it at our respective side of the paddle to have it associated with punishment with represents failure.
Thus far; it's worked very well for us.
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