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ragdoll67 -> RE: Getting lost (11/10/2009 9:44:11 AM)
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Thank you sincerely to everyone who has responded. A lot of things to think about and some things I will try to try.
For the record, we're not married. Nor religious, but thank you DarkSteven for the suggestion of Marriage Encounters.
Maybe it will give someone else an appropriate direction to turn for counsel and comfort.
I was also unclear in one way. My master has not changed. He is who is always was: stoic, rock solid, deeply private
and self reliant. He doesn't exude warmth. I committed the cardinal sin of perhaps harboring hope that he might
"thaw" somewhat with time. But he remains impervious. He IS a good man. I am not maltreated or poorly led. If I were, I could try to break away. My references to a time when my more natural self was nurtured and appreciated referred to my previous master. I guess my master now saw those traits and maybe found them charming, in the beginning, but he's never encouraged them, and they've never felt important or welcomed. Without his encouragement, I have not found a way for myself to uncork them. I wish he showed some evidence of desire for me. I wish I could seduce him. I long to crawl up to him in something black and slinky with a crop in my teeth and beg him to use me. I long to be able to curl up with my head on his knee and feel his hands on my hair. Or simply playfully *pounce* in his lap and make him laugh. That is quite beyond me at this point. I am too other-centered, other-directed. Without his encouragement, I feel unable to do these sorts of things. He doesn't welcome them, so I stifle them. I tend to take on the characteristics of people I am with, or the characteristics they actively nuture in me. Sadly, it's coming clear
that a submissive girl taking on the traits of a stoic dominant male is rather dissonant!
Thank you most especially to Nihilus Zero. Can you award yourself points?
quote:
If you have said this at all, then what you mean is: "Leaving is not my option." Meaning, if he still holds
the reins, then you aren't in a position to deny him this option if it's one he would choose once being made aware of
the person he has.
Yes, that is exactly it. Thank you for understanding what I mean. Thanks also for seeming to grasp the essentials of
what is happening and putting it more coherently than I was able to:
quote:
Before you even begin to venture down that road you have to fully understand the construct of the decision you
are making and it is one that must begin at his declaration of direction once aware of everything.
He has to understand the property (I'm using the term figuratively, so apologies if the term is not fitting with your
dynamics descriptions) he has. You can't just jump into this process without understanding this or without him. You
are at a crossroads where you again will choose to mold and change what/who you are at the decree of your
partner.
This! I am...malleable. Unhealthily empathic, I'm sure many might say. But who and what I am. I become what my
partners desire. When my previous master desired a slut-puppy-little girl, that is what I was. That was easy, being
mostly in line with my fundamental personality. And I enjoyed it and the appreciation of my master. Now, in response
to who my master is, I am becoming someone else. "Re-Wiring",as you say. This inhibited, self contained, emotionally
self reliant someone is so not fundamental to my nature. It is not that he has forbidden affection, or spontaneity,
he's just impervious.
To anna,beth,
"Internally driven/motivated" were bad choices of words. More like internally comforting: able to take pleasure in
being pleasing even absent external expressions of his approval and pleasure. Selfish stuff.
You're right, I couldn't internally compel myself to submit to and obey him. That very much comes from him, but also
is just that which I do. Anna, I understand what you're sayin about
quote:
I would become not his whether I wanted to or not, because he failed to master me... and mastering someone does not only mean gaining obedience, but also means really understanding what makes them tick and grow and belong to one by nurturing their spirit.
And I guess this is it. My master is not a nurturing man. Responsible, trustworthy and commanding, yes. But my spirit, as it were, is kind of up to me. I've been thinking, and I think some men take on submissive women for varying drives in
themselves: Some, I think like my prior master, find deep, personal satisfaction in nurturing and encouraging and
grooming a woman to fit their wants and needs. Some find the exercise of control erotic or otherwise emotionally
satisfying. And some, merely want obedience and service from someone they can also enjoy spending time with on their terms (or even without that part). And will care for their property, but not feel overly concerned with their inner
workings. It seems my master is such a man. I know that he doesn't want me to be unhappy, but seems to expect my
happiness to be of my own making.
Thank you each for your responses!
quote:
lizi: Being able to be internally driven or motivated means to me that you have a secure base within yourself to
draw from. A deep sense of security, happiness, and serenity. Something that sustains you when you have questions or
doubts.
Yes, this is it. I feel secure but serenity eludes me. Happiness with who I am eludes me. Yes, aspects of our
relationship work very well for me. I am secure. I am safe. I am useful. I appreciate these things. I just feel at
odds not really being able to be the spontaneous, affectionate, playful person I was. And without these expressions
of "me" as part of my submissiveness, I'm not very comfortable, hence the 'robotic' comment. I read things like "find
something to surprise and delight him". I'd love to, but I wouldn't have a clue where to begin. I don't think he
likes surprises. He likes to have what he wants when he wants it. He is content. Why can't I be? That is what I am
seeking: a way to find internal contentment.
quote:
Nihilus Zero again
quote:
How can I learn to be internally driven? Internally motivated?
Actually, what you are talking about is internal delusion. Granted, the term "delusion" normally has negative
connotations, but I actually mean none here. It's a process of self-rewiring that, really, happens all the time.
You're just forcing it against the grain and on a hurried pace because your innards are inching further away.
Um, are you like living in my closet or something? It's uncanny.
quote:
Again, you gauge and understand whether the net gain of doing this re-wiring will be greater than that of
letting your current wiring be. Then, you inform him of this analysis and let him make the decision.
I get this. I do.
quote:
quote:
How do i find some pleasure in life that is not dependent on him?
Maybe you should find out if that's what he'd want at all. I, for instance, would not be content with that sort of an
arrangement.
Well, put that way, it didn't sound quite right. I have no intention, or even ability, to go outward and seek
pleasure. But I would like to be able to feel some pleasure in myself that is not dependent on his reinforcement.
Like I said somewhere, it isn't that he forbids me to be affectionate, etc. He is just a rather forbidding person,
demeanor wise. He doesn't always respond negatively to my attempts to be playful or affectionate or spontaneous, he just doesn't respond much at all. I perceive that as an inhibitor and being me, make efforts to suit his tastes as I
perceive them.
quote:
quote:
How can I let go of the fear that I'm not even a "love-able" person?
Now you're confusing me. This screams of emotional insecurity gone haywire. Expand on this as to how you feel it's
pertinent.
Okay,one example. An old friend of mine recently asked that I do something for her to help her solve a problem
somewhat, but not entirely, of her own making. I have always done things for her. Yes, it's enabling, and it imposed
quite a bit of inconvenience on several people's parts, but there was a genuine need for assistance. Before, I would
have done it without a second thought (okay, maybe a grumble on my way out the door), but she needed me and I would be there for her, no question and no thanks sought. Now...I felt put-upon. I felt she should be able to solve her
own damn problems and she had no business doing xyz in the first place. This is all my master's voice in my head.
Yes, he allowed me to help her. He isn't cruel. But I didn't feel kind, or friend-ish, or loving or sympathetic
towards her. I merely felt obligated. I don't think that's a very nice person. Not very loveable.
Anyway, thanks again to all who responded. I'm going to try to step outside my comfort zone (and possibly his, even)
and give some things a try. If they are well received, that will be wonderful. If not, well, I'll have tried.
Have a wonderful day, all.
his ragdoll
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