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A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 8:31:56 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I would absolutely adore for this situation to be hypothetical, but it simply is not. I am a reasonably bright person, but I honestly don't even know what to do or say anymore. This is in regard to that male who is not my partner in my life. My partner is dominant, knows it, and expresses it well and that works quite well for me. This person is drippingly and even dare I say dysfunctionally submissive, vehemently denies it, and yet it expresses itself in a multitude of ways and most of them not positive at all. He frustrates himself trying to "handle" life and is hostile toward anyone who tries to assist.

Why do I say he's submissive if he isn't actively engaging in such? It is in every single thing he does and mostly to his own detriment as well as those around him. I will not go into the specifics, but having this aspect to my own personality, I knows it when I sees it. I am not entirely certain that he isn't functioning in a more or less permanent state of suspended maturity (like a long reaching little space). The reason I say it may very well be dysfunctional for him is that it is not remotely enhancing his life. He doesn't take care of himself, takes criticism either too much to heart or blows it off if he doesn't think he can do better, tries to do everything and in the process does none of it well. As much as I am frustrated in this situation, I feel very sorry for him and the way he seems to be getting manhandled by life. I know. He never asked for my pity. I can't help but extend it, however.

I watch him grasp at every vestige of control there might happen to be. He gets angry and worse if he senses any attempt at all to pull anything away, yet he isn't doing well with it. It is like watching a person carry a bunch of bags in a parking lot. You offer to help, but they say they are just fine. All the bags slip and spill everywhere. You offer to help, but still they refuse, yelling with tearstained face that they can handle it. What on earth do you do? Help and deal with the yelling, accusations, and potential other nasty things? Or do you just eventually walk away wishing the person would let you do more, but not willing to suffer the ugliness of their refusal?

Well, that's where I am with this one. Of course, that person in the parking lot eventually is not my problem one way or the other regardless of the choice I make. On the other hand, every time the tower of control tumbles on him, it falls squarely on me too. All the time cleaning up the mess whether together, but fighting him to do so, or watching helplessly as he cleans it up on his own wasting all his time and energy in the process, is also shared. In other words, this issue affects me severely. If only he would just let go. If only he could just accept himself and be exactly who he is. If only we could fall into our most natural positions and work to our strengths. If only. It is not to be at this time, however.

Yes, we have talked long and hard about all this. Yes, even fought, cried, battled, simmered, stewed... all those things. It has been all for nothing and my energy and resources are just sapped. Things seem worse than ever. Before anyone says so, no, I have never once tried to convince him he was submissive or tried to get him to be my submissive. That isn't what this is about. I want a happy, productive, and peaceful life for us both. I have been very sensitive to the fact that he doesn't see being submissive as a positive thing. Even as it cuts at me because of my own proclivities, I have let it be and tried to just work out our lives without labeling everything and without placing anyone as superior or inferior. I have tried so hard to avoid such things as a feeling that somehow his worth was under attack or that I was trying to take over his life. That's not what I want. I have enough problems of my own in my own life. I really don't want or need his too. I just want good things. What on earth do I do? I am honestly just at my wit's end.

lovingpet

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 8:55:01 AM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		lovingpet,

You just fully described MsKitty's ex....and the reason he's the ex. So I might be able to give you some insight...I might not. Either way, I wouldn't put my money on the individual in question putting some real energy into growing past their current spot in life and coming back. Hoping for that only ends up in a really bad spot for you. If you want the specific example, please feel free to message me off this board.

Individuals such as you have described are not "manhandled by life", rather they "get in their own way". At some point, mature, responsible adults decide life can fuck off and they're gonna grow and do more with what life hands them instead if sit and cry about it; that's how people get past the rough spots. Not doing so simply is allowing one's own desire to remain uncomfortably, comfortable to stop them from actually getting anywhere.

Refusal to grow as a person is the end of the road. If someone is actively blowing off growth opportunities it's because they are comfortable in a spot of familiar discomfort and they have no concern about how that damages themselves and the individuals around them. Growth is uncomfortable because we don't what is going to happen, but there's a comfort at the end of the growth until it's time to grow again. The first description is what I mean by "uncomfortably comfortable".

If you're being hurt because this person's rages come from a place of not being able to reconcile who they are and what they want (because they refuse to grow to what they want), then you're fucked as an outside party. Seriously fucked. You're already invested in this person's emotional outcome, you care, and you almost desperately want to shake some sense into them to help them get past this point.

Here comes the heart breaking reality: you can't make him grow. If you've lead him to the water and he refuses to drink, then you're stuck. You can take the thirsty horse back home and let him become dehydrated and die, you cna stand there patiently trying take him into drinking (in which case you will...), try yelling, screaming, shouting, pushing it into the water, trowing it into his face, etc etc etc...or, when you're ready, you give up and leave the horse with the knowledge that the water is there when the horse is ready while you go about your life. It's hard. It's heart breaking and if you make that choice you will love him anyways and you will think of him often in a sad, grief filled sense that most individuals reserve for the dead and dying. And the worst part is, is that he will feel abandoned and likely take no responsibility for his role in it. You are actively choosing to hurt him in his mind, no matter what you tell him.

End every conversation with well wishes (and if it's appropriate "I love you"), make and keep firm rules and boundaries around a friendship (if you choose to try that...it won't often work as he's not gonna wanna respect those boundaries), end contact if/when boundaries are no longer respected.

I wish you the best, I really do, and my heart goes out to you in this time. My only question for you (and you may need to only answer this for yourself) is to help you decide what you need to do. What does this exchange with him feed for you? If it hurts you because you watch him torture himself and get angry at the world (including you) and rage on no matter what you do, what does this feed for you?

In Leather,

boi


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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 10:06:42 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you so much for this! Every word touched on things that really I just feel the need to have confirmed back to me. I can keep on and on trying, but in the end his life is in his own hands. Whether he hands it to another, keeps it for himself, grows it, stifles it, crushes it, is all up to him. I can't express how it saddens me and leaves me empty. It feeds nothing. I just am not the best a letting go. I take to heart accusations of intentionally harming another even when my head knows it's not so. Even still, at this point in the road, I just don't know how to let go. In time, I suppose he will be either long left behind or simply the background noise to the rest of my life with those who are functional and growing alongside me as I both desire and need. As much as I may want so many good things for him, he has to want them for himself. It is truly just a sad situation.

lovingpet

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 10:23:24 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I do not believe it is fair to throw submissive into the mix unless he has specifically told you he is.
Even then, your perpetuating the myth of dysfunctional submissives - instead of a dysfunctional person.  Whilst you focus on you second guessing his orientations, that won't help him, nor yourself. 
quote:

Why do I say he's submissive if he isn't actively engaging in such? It is in every single thing he does and mostly to his own detriment as well as those around him


That isn't a s-types act, it might make him self destructive, but not a submissive. 
That said, vampires exist and drain your energy regardless of who or what they are.  Your showing classic white knight and in essence are enabling him to not heal by doing so.  I do feel for you, but tough love and all that - you need to think about yourself and let go.  It's probably the best thing you can do for him too.

the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 11/9/2009 10:25:58 AM >

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 10:31:29 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		As a point of clarification, I don't believe submissiveness to be in and of itself dysfunctional. I do believe if submissiveness is not acknowledged and the needs met appropriately, then dysfunctional manifestations can occur. I believe the same to be true of dominance for that matter. I could care less if he ever labels himself a submissive person. All I care about is that he be healthy and functional, whatever that might mean. I see similar coping and manifestations to what I dealt with prior to my own self discovery. I empathize greatly.

I do know I have to let go even if I do not choose to walk away entirely. I have to let go of being so invested and insulate myself from the fallout from the way he chooses to live his life. This is not my strong point. Many are good at cutting their losses. I am much better at saving my investment. Neither is better than the other and both have risks. I am learning over time. I appreciate your candidness. I do know this situation is sucking the life and energy right out of me. Posting here is one way I seek to gain some insight. Thanks!

lovingpet

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 10:40:43 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		There is a cheesy old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink".

It is applicable in this case and in many many frustrating moments with people, in my life. Sometimes, as difficult as it is, you have to distance yourself to maintain your own sanity. You really cannot save anyone from themselves if they do not want to be saved.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 11/9/2009 10:41:00 AM >

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 10:44:36 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet
As a point of clarification, I don't believe submissiveness to be in and of itself dysfunctional. I do believe if submissiveness is not acknowledged and the needs met appropriately, then dysfunctional manifestations can occur. I believe the same to be true of dominance for that matter. I could care less if he ever labels himself a submissive person. All I care about is that he be healthy and functional, whatever that might mean. I see similar coping and manifestations to what I dealt with prior to my own self discovery. I empathize greatly.


The first thing I would suggest is to take the focus off you.  He isn't you and he more than likely will not respond or behave like you would.  Don't see him as submissive.  Just see him as him.  Unless you can do that, you won't assist him, but cause him more issues.

quote:

I do know I have to let go even if I do not choose to walk away entirely. I have to let go of being so invested and insulate myself from the fallout from the way he chooses to live his life. This is not my strong point. Many are good at cutting their losses. I am much better at saving my investment. Neither is better than the other and both have risks. I am learning over time. I appreciate your candidness. I do know this situation is sucking the life and energy right out of me. Posting here is one way I seek to gain some insight. Thanks!


It's not about cutting ones losses at all.  I hope you can look at those words and see that you are focusing on you and what you will lose?  You need to see that by second guessing him the way you are, you are being an enabeller, rather than assisting him, because you are giving him an excuse to behave that way externally.
I get that you want to be helpful, but from your posts it's more about you than him, and that isn't healthy for him, nor you.
I do hope that you take my observations as constructive, rather than an attack.

the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 11/9/2009 10:45:43 AM >

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 10:58:01 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		The best thing you can do is give him the name and number of a good therapist or the location of the nearest ACOA meeting. And then detach. When he calls, don't make suggestions which you know he will shoot down. Just say you're tired of listening to him complain about things he will not do anything about. And has he started therapy yet?

You can't help him. The more you do, the less he will. You need to step back for your own sake.
Unfortunately he will not change, he will just latch on to someone else for a while. If you stop feeding him sympathy and help and make it clear that as he's an adult you aren't willing to try to rescue him, he will either accept the fact that he needs help or he'll move on. With any luck he'll flounce off and then have to fact reality when you aren't there to blame.

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 11:27:15 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

There is a cheesy old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink".

It is applicable in this case and in many many frustrating moments with people, in my life. Sometimes, as difficult as it is, you have to distance yourself to maintain your own sanity. You really cannot save anyone from themselves if they do not want to be saved.


Yup! And I am really and truly working on pulling off this white armor, but I must say it doesn't like to come off very well. Can I at least keep my white horsie. I already named him Fluffy.

lovingpet

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 11:48:13 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am doing my best to not be guilty of too terribly much projection in all this. If I am wrong about the root, it still matters very little. What I see is a man (more a boy in a lot of ways) who is suffering. I don't want to be doing anything to make matters worse. I am just really trying to understand and, in so doing, hopefully see the right way to respond. I think I understand, but I leave every possible allowance for the possibility that I just might be wrong as well.

I am fully aware that I have a lot of focus on me and what I will gain or lose through all this. The fact is, as close as this person is to me, every single thing he does or doesn't do affects me. The last thing I was is to enable him to continue as he is. I have made no specific mention of what I think because I already know his opinion on the matter. It would, as you said, make matters even worse for me to even mention the possibility. All I can do is approach in the way I think will best reach him. If he sees an enabler in me, I don't see how. I have been blunt about what I will and will not do within this relationship and what boundaries he will keep. He is not stroked or coddled in this. If I explore things with him, I am enabling. If I walk away, I'm abandoning him. If I stay and hold my ground, I am being cruel. I can't win. Yup, that's all about me. Realistically, since we cannot live fully separate lives, it is most certainly going to be about me some. I am here trying to determine what I can or should do in all this. I just want to do what is right here.

I am taking all posts in the spirit of wanting to help. I always try to. I am trying to give an accurate picture of something I am clearly very close to and also that has spanned some years. It is not as though this has cropped up overnight. These things were in play with him long before I knew anything about submission myself. I am just getting to a place now where I can't keep up this whatever we're doing anymore. There has to be resolution in some way or another. Perhaps it's not the right motivation (though far from my only motivation), but it is the case. I have two ums that have significant special needs, my own health, and other issues to deal with. I just don't have the wherewithall to try to keep guessing, walking on eggshells, and never seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You called it right. It is about me. It pretty much has to be because I am the only one in this senario I can do anything about.

Hugs dark one! I know better than to think you are trying to be hurtful.

lovingpet

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 11:50:23 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The best thing you can do is give him the name and number of a good therapist or the location of the nearest ACOA meeting. And then detach. When he calls, don't make suggestions which you know he will shoot down. Just say you're tired of listening to him complain about things he will not do anything about. And has he started therapy yet?

You can't help him. The more you do, the less he will. You need to step back for your own sake.
Unfortunately he will not change, he will just latch on to someone else for a while. If you stop feeding him sympathy and help and make it clear that as he's an adult you aren't willing to try to rescue him, he will either accept the fact that he needs help or he'll move on. With any luck he'll flounce off and then have to fact reality when you aren't there to blame.


Exactly what I am trying to do at this point. Slightly more difficult since we share walls and a legal document, but this has been pretty much it for some time now, as much as it may hurt to do so. It is not easy that is for damn sure.

lovingpet

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 2:13:22 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		I understand this may not be the case, but there is an alter ego of submissive personalities that is not exactly submissive but just really, really looks like it is. It's the type of person who is self-destructive and looks to martyr himself/herself in all ways possible. This person will have a lot of submissive-looking tendencies, but the person will constantly go out of his/her way to destroy whatever foundation he/she has built in a potential relationship. The person actually seems to be more satisfied in destroying his/her relationships than in actually engaging in them.

I've seen this sort of person MANY times in the lifestyle.  This person looks like such a great submissive but is so damn toxic that he/she tends to drag everyone else down with him/her. And you'll never know this person is that type of submissive because it's so hard to distinguish this behavior from normal, submissive behavior. In some cases, this person is quite attractive as a submissive and sometimes even believes himself/herself to be a sincere submissive.

Unfortunately, the only way to really move away from this type of person is to physically dislocate that person from your surroundings. I say this with a bit of trepidation, but the person you describe fits this description very well.

Anyway, just thought I'd chime in because I don't think most people recognize this creature when it shows up. It's quite a chameleon in our communities.


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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 2:28:11 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I think of a person like this as an unteachable spririt or crazy maker. They refuse to address the problems and will not learn from the disaster's and they drive anyone around them crazy. One day he or the type... may learn, but mostly they run people from their lives because few can handle constant drama.

I stopped paying for the mistakes of others long ago and am very careful about who I bring into my life because it is pure hell going through years of trying to make something work when one simply will not address their emotional homework or learn. I learned from situations like that. I learned I cannot and will not do them again and to get out as fast as I can.

A person standing still in mire... doesn't interest me, doesn't make me feel like a rescue unit and are welcome to continue as they are... just without me, whatever it costs me to get out.

Good luck with this... I know it is serious and hard to deal with... but not dealing with it with some success... is far too draining and will take a huge toll. When it becomes more painful than okay... when you are breaking... it has gone on too long. The very things you are trying to protect tend to get hurt anyway.

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 4:18:55 PM   
howahkan


Posts: 137
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline 		I too have had friends like this and I too have the white knight complex.  All of the people who have posted here essentially agree, it's probably time to cut him loose.  I would ask myself one last question.  If you needed someone to help you bury a dead body in the middle of the night, would he help?  If the answer is yes then help him any way you can.  I only have one friend like this and he has tons of problems but true friends are hard to find.

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 4:22:48 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		I find it somewhat offensive that you are ascribing a submissive orientation to someone who vehemently denies it, and appears by your description to be just a loser. There is nothing in your description of him which suggests submissiveness, as an orientation. You say he is "drippingly submissive", but do not back up this very subjective judgement with any examples so that we here may form our own opinions, or even come to understand what leads you to this conclusion. The picture you paint is of someone who is just a weenie.

He's taking advantage of your "rescuer" syndrome. Stop letting him.

And stop bringing home lost men. They aren't your responsibility. They're grown. Let them pay for their own mistakes, like you pay for yours. That is how to help them.

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 4:26:32 PM   
dreamerdreaming


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quote:

ORIGINAL: howahkan

I too have had friends like this and I too have the white knight complex.  All of the people who have posted here essentially agree, it's probably time to cut him loose.  I would ask myself one last question.  If you needed someone to help you bury a dead body in the middle of the night, would he help?  If the answer is yes then help him any way you can.  I only have one friend like this and he has tons of problems but true friends are hard to find.




I take issue with the part I've bolded. Someone who'd help you bury a body like that may not be the greatest friend. That's flawed logic. The one does not necessarily follow, from the other.

It may just be that he has nothing to lose, or is an idiot.

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 4:33:57 PM   
howahkan


Posts: 137
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline 		If you wish to take issue with me please do so in a private message and quit hijacking peoples threads to push you politically correct nonsensical BS.  It's a metaphor you jackass...

Sorry lovingpet...

< Message edited by howahkan -- 11/9/2009 4:37:23 PM >

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RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 5:48:37 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

I find it somewhat offensive that you are ascribing a submissive orientation to someone who vehemently denies it, and appears by your description to be just a loser. There is nothing in your description of him which suggests submissiveness, as an orientation. You say he is "drippingly submissive", but do not back up this very subjective judgement with any examples so that we here may form our own opinions, or even come to understand what leads you to this conclusion. The picture you paint is of someone who is just a weenie.

He's taking advantage of your "rescuer" syndrome. Stop letting him.

And stop bringing home lost men. They aren't your responsibility. They're grown. Let them pay for their own mistakes, like you pay for yours. That is how to help them.


I am sure this isn't going to sound a gentle as I mean it to, but I did not want the entire focus of my thread to become the evaluation of whether or not this man is or is not a submissive individual. I even stated earlier that I could be completely off base. What I do know is that he seems to do better when there is firm guidance and leadership. I could go into example after example, but it is honestly irrelavant. That guidance and leadership is not appreciated and ultimately resented regardless of who provides it despite the fact that it brings about improvement in his overall life. When my help is spat upon, I am pretty well done. Others have washed their hands of him long ago. I just have the auspicious "honor" of being a bit more obligatorially attached than others and I can only distance myself so much at this time.

I still contend that the issue isn't a submissive orientation, but choosing to exercise such in a dysfunctional manner is. Whatever it may be, a submissive orientation, seeing purple llamas who sing to him, whatever, it is clearly not functioning properly even if it is of an otherwise benign origin.

I have a submissive orientation. By your logic, I would be saying that I am dysfunctional based on that aspect of my character. I don't believe that to be so and I don't believe it to be so for many people both in and out of the "lifestyle" who happen to be submissively inclined. Like I said it can be as much an issue of an improperly focused dominant bent, being logical, emotional, intellectual, preferring simplicity, etc. It just happens to be submission (potentially, anway) in this case.

Many people struggle against exactly who it is they really are and what they both need and desire in order to thrive. I don't know why it is such a big deal that the denial happens to be submission and not some other random thing like needing quiet time or to be highly socially stimulated or whatever. It is just a trait. I don't really get the bruhaha. I have met many submissive people and, at least for the most part, believe I am that were perfectly happy and healthy, secure in his/her orientation and functioning well within those specific traits they possessed. Then again the boards are filled on a regular basis with people questioning and doubting whether they are good people, still the same person, etc because they have discovered the so called horrible truth that they are dominant, submissive, sadistic, masochistic, have a certain kink, have developed a particular fetish, and on and on. It is nothing new and we see it all the time.

I would agree for the most part that the bigger issue is that this man has a whole host of other issues and a lack of motivation to change. This isn't a recent selection I made out of the prospect pool and I have grown greatly in discerning healthy people since then. I know he was not healthy then and know he is not healthy now. Some mistakes are harder to undo than others. Whether it be working this through to a good conclusion or walking away, it is going to take time. I don't know if I confused things, but this is NOT my dominant partner I talk about on these boards. He is very good for me and probably healthier than I am. This person has been some part of my life for about 15 years.

I appreciate the defense of those who identify as submissive, but I don't think it was necessary in this case. I have been known to come to the defense or comfort of people struggling with what it means to be a submissive person. It is a lot to come to terms with, but it is nothing bad. It is just scary and may be quite life altering. At some point though, you either choose to rail against it because it is just too much to handle or you accept it and grow under the conditions that a best suite for you. That goes in many areas of life, but this happens to be an area that people struggle with often.

Like I said, I could be completely off base, but I have known this man for a good long time. I have observed him in all kinds of life circumstances and have watched the pattern emerge very organically outside of any interaction with me. This isn't some dude I just met and think I have all figured out. This is someone that somehow even now I care about and want to do nothing to hurt. I also know that it is a losing battle at this point. I can abdicate, but I still have to live with the consequences of his decision until it can be otherwise.

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.


(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/9/2009 7:11:58 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I too recognise My ex in these descriptions ... and that's why he's the ex. In his case he talked right from the first time we met about how much he WANTED to change ... went to all the self-help courses and had all the books and tapes ... even went to a therapist (not common here in Oz) for a few times but gave up as she wouldn't tell him what to do, she just wanted him to talk and figure it out for himself! So he sounded like someone who would grow given a helping hand and I was willing to extend that ... but he didn't. Not in any way, whether it was learning to play the musical instrument he said he always wanted to play ... or learning how to relate ... not once, was he able to put what he learned INTO PRACTISE. He could quote all the good ideas chapter and verse, just couldn't actually get around to DOING them consistently enough to forgo bad habits and create good ones. You don't learn an instrument by having one torturously long practice session once a week, the night before your next lesson. I (and the teacher) explained how important it was to practise little and often, I made it clear how that trains the brain to make the fingers do the right thing ... it fell upon deaf ears. And they were just as deaf when it came to understanding relationships and why personal growth requires one to practise new behaviours and new ways of thinking! It was incredibly frustrating for Me, as a teacher, to come across, as Lockit described, an "unteachable spirit". We tried as vanillas and then through bdsm to help him make the changes he professed to want to make. Nothing worked. In the end for My sanity (and Master's!) I had to call it a day and do something I hate doing ... give up.

His other issue was a deepseated fear of rejection. So deep was it that he would "get in ahead", being aggressively defensive by doing the rejecting first. There's only so much rejection I could take (over 10 years) before I finally had had enough. As I realised would happen by then, once I left, of course he felt vindicated for "see, she rejected me after all, I always knew she would!" It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, an inevitable response sooner or later. I don't think he sees that yet. Not sure he ever will.

lovingpet, as hard as it may be to contemplate moving on ... and there are often all sorts of practical concerns on other levels too (I hated leaving My beloved property, it was a special place to Me, unlike anywhere else I've ever lived) ... ultimately your responsibility is to look out for you. If all your energy is being sapped ... then you have to consider yourself. You don't have to be adversarial about it, you can even stay friends at a distance, but protect yourself and put sufficient distance there for your own benefit.

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: A Weird, Messed Up Situation - 11/10/2009 8:37:29 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

That said, vampires exist and drain your energy regardless of who or what they are.  Your showing classic white knight and in essence are enabling him to not heal by doing so.  I do feel for you, but tough love and all that - you need to think about yourself and let go.  It's probably the best thing you can do for him too.

the.dark.


This right here is your answer.

If it weren't for the extenuating circumstances, I would say cut this person from your life.  I've had to do that a time or two in Mine because having someone in My life was toxic for Me.  Some people are literally just not healthy for us.  Thankfully, I've had the option of just not being involved with that person anymore, no longer maintaining contact, etc.

I'm  not going to get into whether this person has a submissive nature or not because I really don't find that it has any bearing.  I think what does have bearing, lovingpet, it that you've been having all of this personal growth in the last year or so.  You're looking at that and then there is this other individual who doesn't appear to be having any.  That's part of why it is bothering you so much and why you want to go into rescue mode.

The problem is, you really can't rescue anyone and you can't make them grow, either.  That's something they have to want to do, and work to do, for themselves.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 20
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