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Decollaring & Separation - 3/9/2006 9:16:16 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

For what ever reason it is decided to end your relationship with either the person you have in a collar or are collared to. (I am not making this reason specific), how or what protocols do you use to facilitate the decollaring and separation?

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

Post #: 1

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/9/2006 9:50:33 PM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

Respect each others healing space and also Honor the need for the other to share thoughts and feelings with you. In good scenario's try and remain friends.

*Brightspot

_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 2

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/9/2006 10:12:15 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

~ shudders ~ i won't even think about it.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 3

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/9/2006 10:15:30 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

Well my last separation took place in multiple phases during the same day. He called my cell screaming and ranting about how he wasn't going to take it anymore. After about 5 minutes of heart stopping panic thinking something horrible had happened to him I realized that he was saying he was moving out (we technically didn't live together full time but semantics) unless he was in charge. After a few moments of stunned silence I found a room where I could discuss lifestyle issues at the office and explained that I had disclosed who and what I was good and bad before he chose to submit and that wasn't something I was willing to change especially under the circumstances. About 2 hours later I called him and asked if he was ok and ready to talk. Discussion was short and I was still trying to figure out what had brought on the outburst. Third call as I was leaving the office was basically my house keys and checkbook had better be waiting for me when I arrive. I came home to something that still shocks me. Laid out on my lawn for all the neighbors to see were the crates that housed my dogs when we were staying at his house as well as tools and toys that had been kept at his house. His excuse when I asked exactly what the HELL he thought he was doing was that he wasn't sure what to do with these items so he'd put them on the lawn...not in one spot or on the concrete but spread piece by piece so that it covered the ENTIRE lawn. All I could think was wow...classy huh.

We talked for about an hour because I was taken aback by the whole thing. His basic gist was either I get to be the Dom or we're over. Wow umm ok so what exactly are the credentials by which you want to make this happen. Subs will be pleased to know that by his logic because he's good at housework, organized and good at being tied up that he's qualified to be a Dom.

Just because drama seems to come in threes in my world I had this outburst to deal with. An inspector for the USDA (dept of ag) that came to inspect my home as part of the renewal process of the license for my foster dogs while in the middle of the primary issue. And my personal favorite lawn decorations...sitting in the snow even.

This is not by any means how I would suggest to anyone else how to go about breaking it off. My boy made his choice and I did the best I could to make sure 1)that he really meant it, 2)understood the consequences of his actions, 3) that me as a sub, mentor, or still friends wasn't going to be possible, 4) just because of his previous damage I made sure that he was able to put his security wall back up by telling him no I never cared while subtliy placing reminders of where I'd gone above and beyond to help him improve himself and his life. I knew that once he was alone he'd realize he had it pretty good. For his sake as well as the well being of the little dog I helped him get I had made sure that he had a vet and dog trainer that were people I know and trust. These people keep an eye out and I know would contact me should anything go wrong. This way I know that he and his little dog are looked after and I can move on knowing that the alarm will be raised and that worring till then is wasted energy.

quote:

how or what protocols do you use to facilitate the decollaring and separation

So I guess to directly answer your question. Making sure that they are secure and functioning individuals before considering this. Return of goods especially those of symbolic signficance (collars, jewelry or other items of significance)...this goes both ways. In the instance of slaves financial and otherwise return of property, bank accounts and other intangibles. Doing what you can to see that their mental well being is taken into account is also wise. I had to say some rather cold and heartless things to one that I truly cared for to make this happen. In my case he'd already made his decision and being able to hate me I knew would provide him the strength to move forward alone with the skills I had been teaching him. If you have the ability making sure that they have a safety net (friends, confidants, other kinksters) that will lend a shoulder during the transition.

Personally I was hurt and kind of shocked by his actions. I knew that he wasn't happy but until he was willing to give that to me I knew there was only so much I could do to fix the unknown "it" coming between us. I think that too many times we forget that WIITWD involves real people with feelings.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled rant.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 4

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/9/2006 11:41:48 PM

themischievous1

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline

I'm now at the tail end of this. By the looks of my CM journal, you'll note that things haven't gone well at all up to now, though we did have a bit of a break through last night finally. He was able to find the guts to really listen and allow me to express all the hurt and anger I was feeling, which allows me to believe that he did really care despite the fact that this is now over. It also allows the potential of friendship once detatching and getting over what was has taken place.

I think very few men are willing to hang in there for closure. Most men cut and run because they just aren't comfortable with the expressing of emotional stuff, especially when it might involve anger and venting so I have to respect him for that. Though ending things isn't what I wanted, I can now see that it's probably best for a variety of reasons. I can also now move on and let this go.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 5

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 12:12:02 AM

wetsub000

Posts: 91
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

I'm envious of themichievous1. I think that was what I found hardest when I asked to be released. Sure - my Master took back his property and let me go without questions - he even agreed that I had good grounds for my request. What he refused to do at any point was discuss what had happened and I think I found it harder to move on because of that. The questions went round and round for a while before I could let go.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 6

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 1:22:05 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

how or what protocols do you use to facilitate the decollaring and separation?

Protocols? absolutey none.
I was collared in a Real time relationship seeing each other frequently. With no warning what so ever I was released - not face to face- but Online with no explanations only told at that time I would always remain a close important loved friend. I sure didn't see it coming, nothing was ever talked about.
Oh and they never spoke or kept in touch with me again.
(some definition of staying close friends huh)
such cowards

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 7

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 4:58:49 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
For what ever reason it is decided to end your relationship with either the person you have in a collar or are collared to. (I am not making this reason specific), how or what protocols do you use to facilitate the decollaring and separation?

IMO old friend, there is little point in establishing a protocol for it. Too much depends on both the situation and how the girl reacts to things.

If it just isn't working for the both of you, then where possible keeping the friendship, helping support her in looking for a Master who she might have a better chance of things working with, or even should she need it doing that way, doing the interviewing and selecting entirely.

However if it was being ended for other reasons such as Lies and game playing, the situation is likely to be far less cordial and whilst they are left in absolutely no doubt as to what they did wrong, I can be VERY blunt, direct and hard about it. It can end VERY fast where the demanded explination doesn't hold water or is a further obvious lie.

But again, it shouldn't be a shock to them, I make it very clear which are relationship breakers and which are just things I would be disapointed with when I set bounderys. They are told what actions wouldn't be getting me to think about punishment but rather about if I had made a mistake in putting a collar around her neck at all!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 8

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 5:37:39 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
For what ever reason it is decided to end your relationship with either the person you have in a collar or are collared to. (I am not making this reason specific), how or what protocols do you use to facilitate the decollaring and separation?

As in any relationship (most times) both parties will recognize that there is an end coming. With this said the 'protocol' would be to negotiate the end just as the beginning was negotiated. Shared belongings should be sorted out & distributed between partners. Resolve any questions so that closure takes place.

I had one relationship such as this. I was introduced to this man shortly after he decided to bottom out. He had been a dominant community leader for a number of years. Had formed & hosted a local munch & helped to establish a nationally recognized organization (MAsT). We met & became friends first & then he petitioned me for a collar. He was under consideration for several months. We eventually moved in together & planned a formal collaring during the holidays. As the Weeks & months progressed I recognized that he was experiencing many internal struggles. I would often ask him to discuss this with me. He refused to communicate them with me... but I knew there was something eating at him. Just prior to our formal ceremony he unexpectedly handed me his collar & said... I don't want this anymore. I replied that this is only a physical representation of the deeper bond that ties us, if you want a release then you will have to sit down & talk to me. In the end it was just as I suspected, he struggled with his inner feelings & admitted that his dominant side was much stronger than his submissive desire. He enjoyed serving me but his dominant side was craving attention. So I told him simply this... stop trying to be something you aren't & be free to be the person you are. We started off & friends & we can return to that. This worked beautifully. We became friends & roommates. We are still friends today.

Communication is still the key... whether entering or exiting... talk to each other.

_____________________________

MstrssPassion

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 9

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 5:44:32 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

IMO old friend, there is little point in establishing a protocol for it. Too much depends on both the situation and how the girl reacts to things.

Agreed kola, but I wanted to cover all bases. I have a protocol for the formal decollering which I would use if the girl was sold to a Master with whom she had falled in love (for example).. The idea is to get ideas and thoughts from as many as I could...

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 10

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 5:58:59 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

IMO old friend, there is little point in establishing a protocol for it. Too much depends on both the situation and how the girl reacts to things.

Agreed kola, but I wanted to cover all bases. I have a protocol for the formal decollering which I would use if the girl was sold to a Master with whom she had falled in love (for example).. The idea is to get ideas and thoughts from as many as I could...

Selling her because she fell in love with another and the seperation is ameanable to both parties, would be "I now free you from the obligation and commitment that this collar represents, as I beckon you to begin fresh with a new Master and hope happiness ensues for the both of you."

For a disgruntled Master or slave that could not come to a means of compromise it would be "There's the door bitch...and stick the collar up your ass!"

May you be well I.B.

Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 11

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 6:04:06 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
Agreed kola, but I wanted to cover all bases. I have a protocol for the formal decollering which I would use if the girl was sold to a Master with whom she had falled in love (for example).. The idea is to get ideas and thoughts from as many as I could...

That one is no problem if things have been done right and things are amicable. Take her to him, formaly remove my collar from her neck and hand her and the responcibility for her to him for him to place his own collar around her neck.

Probably followed with a beer and a chat if I got on well with the guy before I wandered off and left them to build something great together

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 12

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 6:04:46 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
For what ever reason it is decided to end your relationship with either the person you have in a collar or are collared to. (I am not making this reason specific), how or what protocols do you use to facilitate the decollaring and separation?

Never been serious into protocols. It's simply over. I think a process for people tends to leave one or more parties hanging onto hope of reconnection rather than allowing them to grow into their new self.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 13

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 6:09:47 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

If you think about it, given time for the heat and anger to dufuse and if needs be with a moderator helping, people should be able to sort out a reasonably sane and formal separation without the verbals happening.. It is hard and I have a firey temper wnen I'm hurt but I learned to control my emotionstobe able to sort out the formalities even if subsequent discussions were done through a lawyer.. I know I'm Edwardian a lot of the times, but I believe in using the correct form and format .. Stiff upper lip and all that y'know. At least I'd still have my pride and dignity virtually in tact..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 14

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 6:16:27 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
At least I'd still have my pride and dignity virtually in tact..

That is the big one for me. Always being able to walk away with my head held high because *I* have nothing to berate myself for at least about the way *I* have behaved.

Even with the end of my marriage last year. Friends who have known me for years where asking how I could stay calm and reasonable about things when I had been dumped on from a great height... reason being, because I AM the better man and where there is a 'decent' way to do things than that is how I do it.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 15

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 6:35:37 AM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

That is the big one for me. Always being able to walk away with my head held high because *I* have nothing to berate myself for at least about the way *I* have behaved.

Alas, fastlane hangs his head and mutters....."I know I have a temper!"
One of the hardest things I ever have to come to grips with, is learning to let things go, but I am gradually learning to do so......with the help of many friends!

Thank you, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 16

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 7:48:24 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

For what ever reason it is decided to end your relationship with either the person you have in a collar or are collared to. (I am not making this reason specific), how or what protocols do you use to facilitate the decollaring and separation?

I'd wouldn't suggest trying to develop a protocol before there is a slave (that protocol may not be appropriate to the slave that you get).

That said, I've been with my owner for about 8 years and I have absolutely no idea how we'd approach it. The one thing I know is that I'd have to ask him to be released, I don't think I could even leave without that. I'm also pretty sure there would be lots of me crying and trying not to beg to come back.

I'm not collared, so I can't really remove the brand and hand it back to him. My labia rings which I got for him are a particular color of significance for both of us so I'd probably get different rings. We don't live together but we have some very practical entanglements that would have to be dissolved over a little bit of time afterwards.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 17

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 7:56:26 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

While i won't "go there" re: Master & i, i do know when his previous slave was released, they worked through it together and he remained as her friend, to assist her where he could. He remained an ear and advisor to her when she was with a new Master for a time, and when she asked release of the new Master. Master had an "LDR" with her and when he traveled to her home town they visited and had lunch (she sent him home with a gift for me). They remain friends to this day, 2 years later, and i think it's wonderful.

As for protocol, hmm, according to whom? Protocol to me is whatever Master establishes he wants in a situation. And i am pretty sure he does not have a release protocol - try to save the relationship where possible, and if impossible, remain as a friend and guide where appropriate. i do not know how her collar was removed - i never asked.

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 3/10/2006 7:57:29 AM >

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 18

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 11:02:21 AM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

When I released "r", he knew it was coming. Good god, the boy was on probation almost constantly. A born troublemaker who created havoc in the household. That turned into a "sit down and shut up" (him doing the sitting down and the shutting up) confrontation, and I was at the end of My patience. He was told to make arrangements, and get out within 3 days. He left that night. Frankly I was worried, since he was pretty dependent, but he was safe and did have a place to go. However, the finality of getting everything moved, (he took off, and left most of his things behind) fell to the other boy and Myself. And the emails flew. He was begging to come back within 12 hours. That was hard, but I had to keep to My decision for My personal peace of mind and for the good of the house.
When release was requested by another boy, we were living together. I was surprised, but I made the time to talk it out, as much as possible. When a slave has allowed things to build up and build up, sometimes it is difficult, but it is a necessry process. Now he did write in a journal every day, and we did discuss that journal every week. Still, he was apparently lying, even to himself, as he never wrote any of this down. Please note that the journal was written to Me, but it belonged to him. It was one of the things he took away with him.
The main problem was one particular part of the TPE. He wanted to re-negotiate, and it was not a negotiable term. I was quite firm in that, and I believe he really thought that he could effect a change in the contract. We went over that contract and I gave him time to think. He didn't really take that time, but that was his decision.
I did force him to take some time by making him write a letter to Me requesting release and the reasons for the request. I felt that was important since he would have to take at least that much time to consider and put feelings into words. And he did that. This all went down in a matter of a few hours.
My biggest mistake was in having a heart. Although he wanted this release immediately, he needed a week to arrange for his actual move. The change in attitude from the moment that collar was removed was very telling. He became obnoxious, rude and kept to himself. He made good use of the furniture, the kitchen and the lock on his bedroom door.
It was a very uncomfortable week for Me! And a good lesson for Me! Felt very much like when one person is feeling guilty and the divorce papers have been filed. The best defense of a good offense!
I made sure that all was in order regarding bank accounts, credit cards, and ensured that all personal property was sorted and handled correctly.
No real protocol, other than having him write this letter, which I thought was a good idea, and kneeling for the collar removal. I have heard from him on a few occasions since, and he is very polite and has shared his regret at not fulfilling his contract. He has also offered to be of any service to Me, if and when I need something. I am also aware that he has not been able to find another position in 18 months. Unless he has tried to spend time with other Ladies of which I am not aware. *Shrugs*
One can only do what one can do to make sure that the submissive/slave making the right decision. But in My case, there really wasn't much time or necessity to follow any specially prepared protocol, and I am not sure I would ever have any protocol in these types of instances.
It is what it is.

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 19

RE: Decollaring & Separation - 3/10/2006 11:12:04 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fastlane

quote:

That is the big one for me. Always being able to walk away with my head held high because *I* have nothing to berate myself for at least about the way *I* have behaved.

Alas, fastlane hangs his head and mutters....."I know I have a temper!"
One of the hardest things I ever have to come to grips with, is learning to let things go, but I am gradually learning to do so......with the help of many friends!

We ALL have a temper Kevin, believe me, my own temper is extreamly nasty. By doing the 'decent' thing included warning one certain male ex-friend to NEVER get within sight of me again in this lifetime else we would BOTH loose things... a little dignity on my part and major body parts in his. Luckaly he knows me well enough to not make the mistake of thinking I am joking!

I know the limits of my own self control. But for the rest, my voice has hardly been raised throughout the entire time and I remain focused on getting both myself and my Ex through the tail end of this situation in reasonable emotional state and hopefully with a friendship still intact.

Have I always been this way? No, I have let myself down in the past, I am only human. But where we make a mistake there is always the opportunity to learn from it and come out a better person for the lesson.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to fastlane)

Post #: 20

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