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LadyNTrainer -> RE: Is now the time to ban pro Dommes from Collarme or should we just live and let live (11/12/2009 10:34:43 AM)
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Why yes, absolutely. Women should all be made to wear veils in the street, and immoral or loose women must all be stoned or hanged. Let's all march in the streets to enforce this decree, so that no one will ever be allowed to engage in shameful behavior again!
If you don't happen to want to live under a terrorist regime, I recommend exercising your personal choices and common sense and letting everyone else do the same. You should block anyone who does not respect your personal boundaries and who is out to take from you while giving as little as possible in return. There are a lot of people in that category who prowl adult sites. Some of them are women, but demographically speaking, more of them are men. Pro dommes who are open and honest about their agenda of being willing to exchange money for time and energy are a very small part of this particular problem.
There are also going to be a lot of people in the category of "offering something you personally do not want" on an adult site. No big surprise there; we have folks of different genders and orientations on board, and even two people whose orientations are compatible on the surface may want totally different things. If you can't set your personal boundaries, that's going to be a problem, since you are sharing space with gays, lesbians, transgenders, bisexuals, heterosexuals, dominants, submissives and switches. But if you confuse your personal boundaries for what you want to enforce as universal boundaries, your philosophy is no different from any other than oppresses consenting adults. It's fine to say, "No thank you, I am not gay, I am only attracted to biological females." It is a whole different ballpark to actively attack gays and transgendered people just for existing, and to tell other people that they are not allowed to be interested either. The word for that is "bigot", and it's ugly.
If you don't want what somebody is selling, whether that somebody is a pro domme or a guy who wants you to suck his dick, you have the right to say no. You do not have the right to tell everybody else that they have to say no even if they are consenting adults who want to say yes. They have as much right to say yes as you have to say no, and it is none of your business if somebody else does want to suck dick or enter into a professional relationship. Deny other people that right, and you are no different from the fundamentalists who think they should stone people for "immoral" behavior.
If you are approached in a rude, unethical, inconsiderate or underhanded way, it's natural to be angry at the person who did that to you. Nobody likes being used, cheated, lied to or aggressively sleazed on. But it's not rational to blame a whole category of people for it. There are married and cheating "male doms" who lie to female submissives online to get what they want with no consideration for the consequences to their victims. There are "male submissives" who treat all dommes on this site, including the ones with "friends only" profiles, as their personal drive-through McDomme's where they can send explicit pictures and aggressively crude sexual demands while they masturbate. And yes, there are also dominant and submissive women who lie and scam men for money with no intention of following through and no consideration for their victims. Some people are takers or players, and that's not limited to a particular gender or orientation.
An honest pro domme who is clear and up front about the transaction she is negotiating with another consenting adult is behaving ethically. There is both give and take in the equation. It's fair, it's consensual, and both parties get what they want from the relationship. And generally speaking, it's also safe and legal, with no sex involved. THAT is the real professional dominant. The women online (who are sometimes not even women) who demand money for nothing or who are "stealth pros" are amateurs at best. They certainly don't have a professional attitude or ethic regarding their clients. The word for that is "scammer", not "pro domme", and it is both inaccurate and unfair to lump us into the same category.
Pro dommes - the real professionals, not the amateur online scammers - are people first and foremost. Many of us are active participants in our local community, and most of us also have personal partners. It's hard to say if there would even *be* a heterosexual BDSM community without the historical influence of pro dommes and houses. I would recommend thinking twice before trying to stop other people from making their own free choices about their BDSM relationships, even if you exercise your own free choice to do it differently. Interfering with the sexual choices of other consenting adults is a very slippery slope, and it really doesn't lead anywhere that is good or healthy for your own personal freedoms.
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