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D/s to nilla and back - 3/10/2006 7:25:36 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		What prompted this post was the man who went from BDSM to vanilla and now wants to come back to BDSM. After thinking about it overnight, it dawned on me that I know several people who have I met through BDSM affiliations who are no longer part of any alternative culture. Of all the ones I have personally met, many have returned to this alternative way of living. Himself left BDSM for about 10 years to try vanilla and when the marriage failed, he got divorced and came back to BDSM and met me several years later. We also had a male submissive who we were quite fond of who left BDSM suddenly without a word to us.. just a deleted email one day to show us he was no longer interested.. and now I see that he is part of Collarme with a profile for his new search, so he got over whatever issues he had back then and returned. ::I know for him, it had a lot to do with reconciling his religion and BDSM::

Now, once I jumped in to the leather vats, I never looked back. Never thought about leaving for vanilla-land and never wanted anything else, but obviously many have.. so, dear forum dwellers, have any of you gone from BDSM to vanilla.. then found your way back again? If so, what prompted your originally leaving BDSM.. and then what prompted your return?

For those who haven't actually gone back to vanilla-land.. have you ever taken an extended break from BDSM for any reason.. gather thoughts, do some self-discovery on your own, etc? I'm not talking about being without a partner because you haven't found one yet or are in between.. but actually gave up or thought about giving up the whole idea of living a life with BDSM?

Celeste

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 3/10/2006 7:44:54 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		When i discovered this life i felt relief in it. When i tried to explain it to a husband who could not understand, he convinced me i was wrong and had been brainwashed. So i tried instead to focus on vanilla life, and my vanilla husband. The calling in my heart would not go away. i could not stay away. i could not deny who i was, and returned. i can not see myself ever again leaving behind who and what i am.

i was with a Dom who had issues reconciling BDSM with his religeon and did the same thing - left me an email saying "I can't do this anymore" and poof, email and IM accounts were closed, and all i could get was his voicemail. i didn't bother to go see him. He obviously did not want me anymore. He called me 6 weeks later to explain, and wanted to return.

i think people have their own internal pains and baggage and struggles and think they may be better staying in "vanilla." So often i have seen people say things like "Just put your need for D/s aside and focus on...(whatever it is they apparently need to focus on.)" As though our need comes with an on/off switch. i personally could not do it.


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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 3/10/2006 7:49:24 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Bita.. i've posted on another thread.. that I lived this life a long time after entering it. My former Master is the one who wanted us to leave it behind and live the vanilla life after both girls were born.

I tried it... I really did. But my need to be me was stronger than our failing relationship because I couldn't live with someone who I felt betrayed by. Not only on a physical but emotional level.

Now after our split, I still couldn't live my life they way I wanted to... be a single mom and all. I had to put my time and energy in raising, protecting my girls. But with the help of the internet, I didn't have to leave it all behind completely. I was able to still communicate with known friends, and meet new ones. And on that rare occasion be able to meet others.

Now I've come full circle again... 3 days and a wake up... and this submissive gets to live again. I feel i'm about to be paroled from a prison i've been in for almost 10 years... and i'm going to be able to be true to myself again. And this will allow me to be true to Master. And give him my all. Not just part of me.

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 3/10/2006 8:17:45 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

so, dear forum dwellers, have any of you gone from BDSM to vanilla.. then found your way back again? If so, what prompted your originally leaving BDSM.. and then what prompted your return?

For those who haven't actually gone back to vanilla-land.. have you ever taken an extended break from BDSM for any reason.. gather thoughts, do some self-discovery on your own, etc? I'm not talking about being without a partner because you haven't found one yet or are in between.. but actually gave up or thought about giving up the whole idea of living a life with BDSM?

Celeste


No......... I have thought about it, though, usually when I'm worn down by this or that. But a good night's sleep and my kink cells are back to normal lol.....and, I've thought about what would happen if I found love with a vanilla. I would give up my bdsm activites were that to happen, but I could not give up what I am on the inside.

Level

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 4:29:34 PM   
Trampler


Posts: 580
Joined: 12/31/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think I could do it, I mean I am pretty much a newbie to this game,  But to me, while vanilla is a great flavor for an icecream, just doesn't fly for my sex life! Just wouldn't be able to resist throwing in some nuts, chocolate sauce,bondage, a strap-on. lol.

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 4:42:50 PM   
Vampyress33


Posts: 32
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline 		Years ago, i had someone slowly introduce me into this lifestyle (or at least try to). i didn't know what it was back then. Then i moved back home (had lived in Ca for awhile where this all started). i had some bf's since then, but not really anyone into kinky. Then in 99 I met my first Master, and that's when it danwed on me that this was really what i've been searching for.  We lasted 3 years, at the time, neither one of us wanted to move.  So, i moved on. Before my last ex, i had given up completely on finding 'one' special person, after a really bad break-up. it kept me in emtional termoil for months. Once i healed, i started dating again, but it was with someone i've known for two years, that wasn't involved in the lifestyle. Then i met my ex, and he slowly renewed my interest in BDSM relationships again, and made me realize that i wasn't cut out for vanilla world.


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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 4:59:36 PM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

I'm not talking about being without a partner because you haven't found one yet or are in between.. but actually gave up or thought about giving up the whole idea of living a life with BDSM?

/sigh
 
yes, and I am still sitting in that mind frame, trying to figure myself out.

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 5:48:24 PM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		For me the question would never arise.

Oh, I've lived a vanilla life long enough, had vanilla relationships. I'd guess that only a couple of people I know would ever imagine there was anything kinky about me. Certainly nobody I've ever worked with could ever guess, but BDSM is a part of my basic make-up, y'know. It's nto something I can leave behind or turn away from because it's who I am.

For me, I guess it's not a question of vanilla or kink, it's just life - and the life I live is one looked at through SM tinted spectacles.


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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 5:49:50 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

For those who haven't actually gone back to vanilla-land.. have you ever taken an extended break from BDSM for any reason.. gather thoughts, do some self-discovery on your own, etc? I'm not talking about being without a partner because you haven't found one yet or are in between.. but actually gave up or thought about giving up the whole idea of living a life with BDSM?


I thought I was going to go back to "vanillaland", but I guess I did not because I had no significant encounters with vanillas when I thought i was going to do that. I was splitsville for about 4 months with my former dominant before I put my ad back up on alt. I would not even call that a real hiatus. I had one vanilla date before I decided to join alt.

Now, when I seriously considered going back to vanilla land I thought that it was a good idea because Ds had not been healthy for me in the form it took with my first Ds relationship. I had felt I gave it all and gotten nothing much of value in return. I consider Ds a power exchange, but I did not see what I got in exchange...smiles.

I decided that I just could not live with vanilla, it was awkward for me.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 1/6/2007 5:50:25 PM >

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 6:01:36 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

For those who haven't actually gone back to vanilla-land.. have you ever taken an extended break from BDSM for any reason.. gather thoughts, do some self-discovery on your own, etc? I'm not talking about being without a partner because you haven't found one yet or are in between.. but actually gave up or thought about giving up the whole idea of living a life with BDSM?

Celeste
 Sometimes I think I started doing this without any real understanding of what the consequences would be.  I started reading about BDSM at a young age.  It shaped my views of 'dating' more so than my high school friends and boyfriends. I feel like I don't really have a choice to give up.  I've dated vanilla guys, still do sometimes.  But I realize that eventually I will be involved in a relationship with a D/s structure because that's probably the only way a relationship is going to survive.  So now I've basically accepted that this is always going to be a part of me.  I'm glad to have found out too early in life than too late--such as in the middle of a very vanilla marriage.    

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 6:08:40 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I've never really thought about it.  I've wondered "What the hell did I just do?" a few times, but those feelings go away after a long, hot bubblebath..mmmmmmmmmmm. 

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 6:35:10 PM   
NaiveTempest


Posts: 345
Joined: 11/20/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Hi Bita. I'm still very much new to BDSM, but now knowing what it is that made me dissatisfied with my vanilla relationships (what was missing from them that is) I don't think I could allow myself to go back. The one person I can't really lie to is myself after all. Some times I do wonder, with all that is involved in my life, if it's feasible for me to take an active role in the lifestyle. Especially with so many urging be to became vanilla again (including the ex who wishes he wasn't an ex, lol). But then I take a deep breathe, calm my nerves and fears and ask myself, "Will settling make me happy? Is it wrong for me to want to be happy and fufilled?" And then I know that I can not go back no matter how easy it would be to do so, because I know that deep inside I WOULD NOT be happy. And to "be all the me I can be" I know I must do what I need to happy sometimes, because only then can I give my all to those who need/deserve it.

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 6:37:53 PM   
sleazy


Posts: 781
Joined: 11/23/2006
From: UK
Status: offline 		I am one of those returners. For many years I was in relationships with the various undercurrents and overtones that come with what we do. After the failure of a very deep relationship I went vanilla and much as I tried I just never felt completely happy and relaxed, it almost felt as if I was just pretending to live and nothing was real. After a period of using work as an excuse to avoid relationships I came to my senses and sat down and worked out just what I need in life to be me, so I signed up to try find it.

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 7:28:15 PM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline 		i know a lot of people who waffle back and forth.

it sucks when you meet someone intellectually who really turns your brain on, but the prospect of kissing that person makes you laugh.  it also sucks to meet someone who clicks in terms of bdsm but cannot carry on a conversation about anything else but his/her bdsm'ness.

if i could walk away and feel fulfilled without this, i'm sure i would.  sometimes i call myself "reluctantly bdsm."  life would certainly be easier without it.  but it's who i am.  so here i am.

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 7:36:08 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		I have a friend who was deeply into the lifestyle, then went vanilla, then came back. She couldn't stay away from it. She's not currently practicing, but she's not denying the possibility anymore. In time, she may practice again. I just hope she isn't visiting me when she decides she needs a vic....er... submissive again!

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/6/2007 7:36:22 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I tried the vanilla thing.  For some reason, I thought it was time to leave my selfish indulgences and settle down.  WOW, what a major league mistake that was.
He thought as soon as he put a ring on my finger that I was going to realize that my dominant personality was a joke and that I was going to be the good little submissive wife he wanted me to be from the start.

So, now, I am enjoying my selfish indulgences with someone else who enjoys letting me endulge :)

DV


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Snarko Ergo Sum
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VampiresLair

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/7/2007 12:30:49 AM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pissdoll
it sucks when you meet someone intellectually who really turns your brain on, but the prospect of kissing that person makes you laugh. it also sucks to meet someone who clicks in terms of bdsm but cannot carry on a conversation about anything else but his/her bdsm'ness.

if i could walk away and feel fulfilled without this, i'm sure i would. sometimes i call myself "reluctantly bdsm." life would certainly be easier without it. but it's who i am. so here i am.


I agree with this 100%. I found this side of myself at 19 and have gone back and forth to vanilla and D/s relationships. It's only in the past few years that I finally accepted this is such an important part of what i need from a relationship that I simply can't be happy spending my whole life with a woman who isn't into it, no matter how much I love her. My relationships would have been much simpler without this requirement -- heck, I would have gotten married about 5 years ago to a wonderful vanilla girl and probably have 2 kids with her by now!

Yet here I am training a new slave and wondering if it really is possible to find all the things I need intellectually, emotionally and physically in a single woman. But compromise just isn't an option if I'm to commit for life.

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/7/2007 12:52:57 AM   
akbarbarian


Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pissdoll

i know a lot of people who waffle back and forth.

it sucks when you meet someone intellectually who really turns your brain on, but the prospect of kissing that person makes you laugh.  it also sucks to meet someone who clicks in terms of bdsm but cannot carry on a conversation about anything else but his/her bdsm'ness.

if i could walk away and feel fulfilled without this, i'm sure i would.  sometimes i call myself "reluctantly bdsm."  life would certainly be easier without it.  but it's who i am.  so here i am.

I can relate to this.  I have literally had erotic fantasys about being vanilla.  I've looked at pretty pictures of pretty girls, and wished I could be happy being conventional.  I've seen friends who fit well with their girlfriends, or wives, and wondered what it would be like to be so satisfied with someone who suits me.  I have grudgingly accepted that it won't happen, and also with some enthusiasm realized that the rewards are great when I find someone I can connect with and find that D/s satisfaction along with the common interests vanilla couples mingle over.  It's twice as many ingredients needed, for twice the reward yielded.

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/7/2007 1:23:20 AM   
Presidentialwhor


Posts: 19
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		i have been in the situation like the OP posted about.

i got into the lifestyle around 18 or 19 and then i started listening to my mom and some other friends about feminism and how women shouldn't let men do this and men do this...and how men were coniving and the etc. i thought maybe i was weird or somtething... i begin to think that i shouldn't help men be able to dominate women...

i got out of the lifestyle and just tried vanilla rough sex, but it didn't work....i felt unsatisfied emotiaonally, mentall, and most of all SEXUALLY. so i just took a break from dating all together  BDSM style and Vanilla just altogether.

i dont remember how i got back into BDSM but i did and unexpectedly, i met y Dom.

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RE: D/s to nilla and back - 1/7/2007 4:46:42 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

For those who haven't actually gone back to vanilla-land.. have you ever taken an extended break from BDSM for any reason.. gather thoughts, do some self-discovery on your own, etc? I'm not talking about being without a partner because you haven't found one yet or are in between.. but actually gave up or thought about giving up the whole idea of living a life with BDSM?

Celeste

Nope, but I did lose my frenzy to be part of the "bdsm club."  I take what I want from the scene, but I leave the sucky parts behind.  I don't take my whole identity from the scene, I have plenty of vanilla friends and social outlets, and no longer is every weekend dependent upon knowing who is playing with who.

What I tend to shake my head at are the ones who get disillusioned, pull a huge "leaving the scene forever", which include selling or throwing out all their old toys...then six months later they ping-pong back around.  I always find it odd that they are completely welcomed back into the scene with opens arms- even if they've done it a few times already!  While I don't make it my business to tell them to perhaps take a look at their behaviors, I certainly limit my contact with such people.

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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