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How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/13/2009 9:11:35 PM

dvote2U

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/6/2009
Status: offline

We all know that this lifestyle draws all types of people. i think that what always was so attractive about it to me was that the relationship between a Dominant and submissive is so rooted in honesty that there is no room nor need for falsehoods or distrust. But after being betrayed over and over again, how do you pick yourself back up and trust again? i hear over and over again "where are all the real submissive women?" well, im here. i really am...it may be necessary to pry back the layers of scar tissue but i really am here. there must be others out there who are feeling the same hurt. to hear someone profess their love for you and insist that you are their only one and then to witness them hunting for others, telling them every wonderful thing that you thought was only for you. there is a hole in my heart and i feel as if i cannot stop the blood from rushing out.....please...tell me i am not alone....

Post #: 1

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/13/2009 9:28:14 PM

kasumi

Posts: 84
Joined: 9/11/2009
Status: offline

You aren't alone. I just read yesterday about a man who was going through the same thing. Although not within the lifestyle in the past, I had an ex that was extremely manipulative and he used and cheated on me. We were supposed to have a committed, monogamous relationship but it wasn't enough for him.

I know you feel naturally submissive, but please don't feel like you have to be treated with total disrespect just because of that. You deserve a Dom that's going to appreciate you as much as you do him.

I wish you luck, and I'll be around if you would like to talk. I know how horribly rough this can be.

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 1:42:11 AM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

*sigh* You're not at all alone. Your experience is much the same as mine, and I often ask myself "How do I open myself to submit and trust yet again, when some part of me is just waiting for the stream of bs and betrayal to start?"

When I was with my first dom, it was my first relationship of any kind, and I entered it with limitless trust, love, devotion, and a whole lot of naivety. While my trust was clearly ill-founded, some part of me wishes I could summon the intensity and sincerity of those feelings I had then more readily than I can now. It takes me much longer to open up, trust, and submit. Maybe it's not a bad thing, in the long run, but it's a thing I wish didn't have to be ( I really envy those subs whose first dom was their dom for life! )

(in reply to kasumi)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 1:52:51 AM

howahkan

Posts: 137
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline

quote:

there is a hole in my heart and i feel as if i cannot stop the blood from rushing out.....please...tell me i am not alone....

You are not alone. I am so very sorry to hear about this betrayal of your trust. I wish I had a magic formula that would take away your pain make you feel better. Unfortunately the only thing that will take away the pain is time. I know that doesn't help, I'm sorry, I wish I could do more to help.

I read your profile and the impression I got from it was that of an angry woman. I don't blame you one bit for being angry but having big bold color lettered negative statements really turned me away. I'm not a Dom but I think it will have that affect on most people who read it. If the reason is to stop spam or trolls, it won't work and it makes you look like a negative person. I agree that it is important to have standards and to state them clearly, just don't shout that at people. I understand how you feel and I just want to help.

For your immediate mental health don't focus on the heartbreak you're feeling. Instead go to a park and watch the wild life or the children in the playground. Buy something just for you, even if it is just a little thing. Be with family or friends. If you want you can PM me any time just to talk. I'm a good listener.

I wish you all of the best things in life...

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 2:15:34 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvote2U

We all know that this lifestyle draws all types of people. i think that what always was so attractive about it to me was that the relationship between a Dominant and submissive is so rooted in honesty that there is no room nor need for falsehoods or distrust. But after being betrayed over and over again, how do you pick yourself back up and trust again? i hear over and over again "where are all the real submissive women?" well, im here. i really am...it may be necessary to pry back the layers of scar tissue but i really am here. there must be others out there who are feeling the same hurt. to hear someone profess their love for you and insist that you are their only one and then to witness them hunting for others, telling them every wonderful thing that you thought was only for you. there is a hole in my heart and i feel as if i cannot stop the blood from rushing out.....please...tell me i am not alone....

youre not alone, but it doesnt help does it.

highlighted bit: - you have discovered the great unspoken falsehood, the contradiction - but ultimately my sweetheard you have discovered that men HERE are the same EVERYWHERE - (with some exceptions) - if youre really really unlucky youll bump into the ones who think that HERE they can have it all, lots of women, lots of kink, no committment with phuck all effort and they can treat you like shite all day long too.

we have not found the Holy Grail of manly wonderfulness im afraid. its a jungle here as anywhere.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 11/14/2009 2:18:49 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 2:28:39 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

for some reason i cant edit, but i just wanted to add that you get past it like you get past every stage in life by moving on, going back to the life you had before all of this took you over and swept you up to those heights of happyness only a sub can describe.

sadly what you also do, over time, is toughen up, as you say, beneath the scabs there beats the rythem of a submissive heart.

ultimately dont give up hope. usually what i do is take some time out, return to what i love and know and gives me peace and when i feel better i quietly creep back in.

but like everyone says youre not alone and the D's get it too.

anyhoo, above all else, beyond everything else, what you mostly have to do is keep a very very close hold on youre sense of humour. it really does help.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 3:52:17 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvote2U
But after being betrayed over and over again,

OP, it sounds to me like you're willing to buy a smooth talker too much.

Ask for references. Take time to get to know someone. Figure out what mistakes you've made and try to avoid them in future.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 3:57:06 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

We all know that this lifestyle draws all types of people. i think that what always was so attractive about it to me was that the relationship between a Dominant and submissive is so rooted in honesty that there is no room nor need for falsehoods or distrust.

this applies to any relationship...not just in the BDSM lifestyle.

As to how to recover...time and inventory. You need time to recover and heal. Then you need to take an inventory of yourself, why this occurs over and over again, and how to prevent it in the future.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 4:50:24 AM

dvote2U

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/6/2009
Status: offline

thank you all for the kind words. it does help to know that its not just me.

@ Howahkan...the bold face type in my profile is there because i was getting 30+ emails from married men looking for someone to f on the side or men in other countries who wanted me to move to India, Italy, Pakistan, etc. like many here, i tried to be suttle and nice about it, but even with those bold face bits i still get 10+ emails a day from these men. if it puts people off, then i suppose it will have to be that way.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 4:55:27 AM

MissIsis

Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

You just have to try to pick yourself up. Grieve a little, & recognize that it isn't about you, but more about the other person, & how they are handling & conducting themselves. Try to feel happy that you found out now, instead of wasting more time with that person. I know. It's a tall order. But you can do it!

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 4:55:53 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Stop being subtle honey. Seriously. If a married man tries something, I say "does your wife know?" And then we go from there. *and yes, I generally get confirmation from the wife*

And get involved in the scene where you are. People gossip - there's often (though not always) a lot of truth in gossip. Make friends with other women and find out the dealio with the men around you.

On a practical CM note - you have very specific ages in your profile. Do you have your spam filters on so you don't get a bunch of emails?

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 6:02:09 AM

Lucienne

Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvote2U

@ Howahkan...the bold face type in my profile is there because i was getting 30+ emails from married men looking for someone to f on the side or men in other countries who wanted me to move to India, Italy, Pakistan, etc. like many here, i tried to be suttle and nice about it, but even with those bold face bits i still get 10+ emails a day from these men. if it puts people off, then i suppose it will have to be that way.

May I suggest that you reconsider? I understand why you have it in all caps at the top of your profile, it's probably the only thing the married guys contacting you would read beyond "female submissive." Or at least 2/3rds of them, judging by the reduction. But that's the thing, you've chosen to use premium space in your profile to reject people. I don't think you come across as angry in the rest of your profile. But how many guys won't even bother reading it because you chose to lead with negativity and rejection? Use that space for a positive advertisement of you. If monogamy is important to you, make that explicit in your profile as a positive - not implicit in your rejection of married men. The horny idiots will still write, but you will have communicated the information to the non-idiots in a more constructive fashion.

I think it is very brave (almost to the point of naive) of you to include in your profile that you are looking to have children. And I understand that it sucks to have an honest declaration of one's romantic desires draw a torrent of mindless and carnal responses. But you just need to laugh, delete and block user. Don't allow all those thoughtlessly sent messages add to your sense of a world full of betrayers.

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 6:04:06 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

But after being betrayed over and over again, how do you pick yourself back up and trust again?

To believe every new person will prove to be untrustworthy stifles the potential for happiness. I think it is more productive to take each person on their own merits.

Observe their behaviors honestly in the light of here and now rather than through the murkier filter of the past.

If their word is good, if they are consistent, if they simply go about the business of being honest, then you do them, as well as yourself, a disservice if your focus is on what was, rather than what is.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 7:14:21 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

How do you get over betrayal?

Time

Simply time.

Live your life, don't give the person a second thought and eventually the pain and even thoughts of that person will be forgotten.

At least that's how it's always worked for me.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 8:07:53 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The part that concerns me is that you say this didn't happen once, but repeatedly. The only constant in all your relationships is you. So why is it that you walk into a crowded room and pick the one bad guy in the bunch?

You aren't attracted to the steady guys, you are attracted to the bad boys. And when you pick a bad boy, you have to expect him to be bad. This won't change until you change, until you figure out why these men seem familiar to you, why they attract you instead of the steady, calm ones.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 8:33:09 AM

NyDaddysGirl

Posts: 75
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

You're not alone and you will get over it...in time.

I am reminded of one experience in particular... we were engaged, had been together for 5 years, he seemed to be perfect in the things that mattered and I was able to overlook those imperfections in the things that didn't matter. He cheated and lied about it. I threw him out immediately, despite how much it hurt. It was like a death and I felt as if I was mourning. Two things got me through it: 1) Thank God I found out before I married him and 2) He's HER problem now. I continued to mourn but those two mantra's really did help.

I'm sorry I don't know how to answer the betrayal part... I found myself distrusting my judgement most of all. I do still have to work hard at trusting other people. I fear never fully getting past it.

_____________________________

I have no fear of falling, I just hate hitting the ground ~ Badlees

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 10:48:33 AM

howahkan

Posts: 137
Joined: 10/13/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvote2U

thank you all for the kind words. it does help to know that its not just me.

@ Howahkan...the bold face type in my profile is there because i was getting 30+ emails from married men looking for someone to f on the side or men in other countries who wanted me to move to India, Italy, Pakistan, etc. like many here, i tried to be suttle and nice about it, but even with those bold face bits i still get 10+ emails a day from these men. if it puts people off, then i suppose it will have to be that way.

Sorry, It wasn't meant in any way to hurt you. Just a suggestion. I apologize...

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 6:30:46 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvote2U

We all know that this lifestyle draws all types of people. i think that what always was so attractive about it to me was that the relationship between a Dominant and submissive is so rooted in honesty that there is no room nor need for falsehoods or distrust. But after being betrayed over and over again, how do you pick yourself back up and trust again? i hear over and over again "where are all the real submissive women?" well, im here. i really am...it may be necessary to pry back the layers of scar tissue but i really am here. there must be others out there who are feeling the same hurt. to hear someone profess their love for you and insist that you are their only one and then to witness them hunting for others, telling them every wonderful thing that you thought was only for you. there is a hole in my heart and i feel as if i cannot stop the blood from rushing out.....please...tell me i am not alone....

dvote2U,

I'm sorry to hear you've had unpleasant experiences. However, in most cases there's an element of responsibility on both sides of the fence. As would be partners we must accept ownership for our decisions and the ideas we allow to occupy space in our head. You've bought into the fallacy that one manner of relating is somehow superior due to the suggestion that certain traits are absent, which is idealistic at best. The philosophy you're relating to is only of merit if both parties subscribe to it. Before you can ascertain if this is correct or not you need to spend time getting to know the other person.

I would also suggest that you have a much needed heart to heart with yourself to determine what you're projecting. I sincerely believe our mindset at a given time will influence the kind of people we draw to us. If you discover a pattern exists and you keep involving yourself with untrustworthy persons you need to be honest. Are you really being misled or merely have an inability to accept what is true or perhaps tell yourself otherwise?

Finally, there's a big difference between being victimized and behaving as a victim. Find out which one applies to you. Until you have released all the negative baggage you're carrying about these experiences you're cheating yourself and a would be partner out of the very exchange you profess a desire to engage in. Real submission starts at home.

Best of luck.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 6:53:26 PM

candisa

Posts: 127
Joined: 1/7/2008
Status: offline

How do you ( I ) get over betrayal ? By letting go of it and move on.If you hang onto the pain, the anger, it will only eat at you and bring yourself more misery, there will never be a right answer for what happened. Be thankful you are out of that mess. Forgiveness is the key, but never forget the lessons learned. Look within yourself, find your spirit, heart and what brings you happiness and embrace it. Learn how to trust in your feelings and realize not all are out to betray or hurt others. Take your time one day at a time. You are not alone.

_____________________________

respectfully,
candisa

Freely we serve, because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.

(in reply to dvote2U)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you get past being betrayed? - 11/14/2009 7:24:29 PM

IBused

Posts: 93
Joined: 10/4/2009
Status: offline

cut your wrist and count sheep.....fuck, we are all betrayed, sacrificial lamb. Get over it and move on...K?

(in reply to candisa)

Post #: 20

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