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RE: being shy - 3/12/2006 8:39:22 AM

Guilty1974

Posts: 467
Joined: 11/2/2005
From: Den Haag
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

You don't even know how to approach women? Then how the hell do you expect to communicate well enough to give her the control she needs? Because that is all the approach IS, communication.

I have to disagree with you. Yes, the approach is indeed communication, both verbally and non-verbally, but there is a world of difference between communicating with someone you do not know yet, and someone you are involved with and trust to the point of a relationship or even play. You can be capable of communicating with a trusted friend or partner while not being able to approach someone new.

Personally, I have a relationship (love&bdsm), have taught classes in university for two years as well as given professional presentations both in my own native language as in yours, done political forum discussions including a live radio debate during a campaign, given a few workshops (rope bondage) and a show performance (japanese style supsension bondage)....Still, I usually do not know how to approach a woman I'm interested in, and I'm still shy in groups where I don't feel at home yet.

I do agree with the advice that the only way to overcome it is doing it. But that is difficult, and I think you are a bit too harsh on the OP.

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RE: being shy - 3/12/2006 9:03:13 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Guilty1974
Still, I usually do not know how to approach a woman I'm interested in, and I'm still shy in groups where I don't feel at home yet.

It isn't exactly rocket science. Just set the damn shyness aside and look at it clearly. Just break the task down, what are you trying to achieve?

What is an intro? Saying hello, breaking the ice, showing that you MIGHT be interested and leaving an opening for a responce.

So deal with that instead of sitting there breaking into a cold sweat because "Oh my god, I'm mailing a woman". If you are a Dom then act like a Dom rather than like some spotty adolecent.

Say hi, comment about her profile, tell her what makes you think there might be things in common and suggest she looks at your profile and see if she agrees there are compatabilitys.

Said hello? Check. Broke the Ice? Check. Made clear why I am writing? Check. Left opening for responce? Check.... job done, sign it send it!

As I said. Not rocket science and really doesn't take much in the way of getting over 'shyness'!

quote:

I do agree with the advice that the only way to overcome it is doing it. But that is difficult, and I think you are a bit too harsh on the OP.

And no doubt you may think this post equaly harsh. If it where a sub having such problems then likely I WOULD take a softer tone. But remember, WE are the ones they will be relying on, the ones they will be bringing their troubles to. Even if we don't have the answer they need to be sure we can help them find an answer. I hold any Dom/me to a higher standard and expect them to own their problems, not hide behind excuses. Many don't do that, fine, but the ones I respect DO!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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Post #: 22

RE: being shy - 3/12/2006 9:41:50 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Be yourself, but be painfully open about the shyness. You already know the problems you will have with it.

My local partner was painfully shy when we first met. On our second date (which was at a group munch thing) he literally did not say more than two words. I knew he was shy and that he had probably just gotten a bit overwhelmed and was more amused by it than anything. He was horrified and certain that I'd consider him a total dork and never want to see him again and wrote a long email saying he had no idea what had happened and hoped that we could have another chance.

Of course I did, I liked him and we had a lot of good commonalities. Now we're committed partners. ANd trust me, when he dominates someone at a club, no one questions the authority.

As long as you don't allow your shyness to paralyze you when it matters and as long as you know yourself and that your shyness does not extend to doubting your inner strength, just give yourself time. Not all doms have to be chest beating, outgoing, or even highly visible. Not all subs need obvious knights in armor or swaggering guys to swoon over.

Sometimes the quiet, shy ones are exactly what someone is looking for. While you obviously will want to work on your shyness, and not allow it to hinder your progress, you shouldn't feel less dominant somehow because of it.

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RE: being shy - 3/12/2006 9:50:52 AM

Guilty1974

Posts: 467
Joined: 11/2/2005
From: Den Haag
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse
As I said. Not rocket science and really doesn't take much in the way of getting over 'shyness'!

A lot of your suggestions are related to electronic communications (which makes sense in regard to the OP). I don't have the slightest problem with that, I was referring to shyness in real life approaches (call me old-fashioned if you will). Many of what you write applies to such situations as well though. I do kinda know how it works (approaching my girlfriend, for instance, seemed to have worked rather well), and in general, over the years, I've learned to disguise my general shyness to the point where I usually run into a wall of disbelief when I mention that I am shy. Sometimes, however, it does prevent me from approaching a girl. Now you are quite right that that's my problem and that I can only solve it by doing. If it can and should be solved at all. My shyness is also part of what and who I am, and that's fine. I don't think it makes me a lesser Dom anyway.

Ehm, on a side note, the relationship with my girlfriend is pretty open when it comes to play, I'm not cheating

quote:

And no doubt you may think this post equaly harsh.

Towards me, no, I don't give a sh*t. I find it difficult to approach women I don't know, but my self-esteem is not dependent on your opinion of me :-)

Towards the OP, yes, I believe you are again too harsh. You could have made the exact same point in a much more friendly manner than with phrases as "stop wimping" etc. In an insecure person, that is likely only to feed the already present insecurity. You could have appreciated his post here a first step to solving his problem.
If you compare your posts with IronBears, you will get what I'm hinting at. While your posts roughly say the same, yours sound - perhaps quite unintentionally - like you don't respect the guy and doubt his dominance and sincerity, while in IronBears I read respect and well meant advice.

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Post #: 24

RE: being shy - 3/12/2006 10:07:56 AM

RavenMuse

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Guilty1974
it does prevent me from approaching a girl. Now you are quite right that that's my problem and that I can only solve it by doing. If it can and should be solved at all. My shyness is also part of what and who I am, and that's fine. I don't think it makes me a lesser Dom anyway.

And you certainly seem to have owned your own problem with shyness. It was not having the problem that I said was an issue, but rather taking it in hand and dealing with it or using it as an excuse to give up and not do what you need to do.

quote:

Towards me, no, I don't give a sh*t. I find it difficult to approach women I don't know, but my self-esteem is not dependent on your opinion of me :-)

And that is an attitude I can respect.

quote:

Towards the OP, yes, I believe you are again too harsh. You could have made the exact same point in a much more friendly manner than with phrases as "stop wimping" etc. In an insecure person, that is likely only to feed the already present insecurity. You could have appreciated his post here a first step to solving his problem.

With some, if you mollycoddle them it just reinforces their tendency to hide behind excusses and pla the "Poor me" card. The OP in my view was not owning his problem but allowing his problem to own him instead. If someone challenges him on the point he can either run away and find another excuse or he can actualy step up, grow a pair and deal with the problem. It is his choise, all we can do here is give our opinion.

quote:

If you compare your posts with IronBears, you will get what I'm hinting at. While your posts roughly say the same, yours sound - perhaps quite unintentionally - like you don't respect the guy and doubt his dominance and sincerity, while in IronBears I read respect and well meant advice.

I don't need to compair it, Whilst on many occassions my old friend and I view a subject from a very similar point of view and often take similar approaches. Other times we do not.

From where I stand I see the OP as giving in to something that he shouldn't be giving into. You say you too have a problem with shyness..... have I told you to grow a pair? No because there is no need, you already have and you find ways to deal with your problem.

No doubt if we both stay on these boards long enough then there will be some occassion where you take a harsher line than I. That is just life and the result of looking at things through diffrent eyes and in light of diffrent experiences.

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This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: Thank you - 3/12/2006 2:41:35 PM

mrsaucey

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Thank you all for the advice you have given me.I'm going to change my profile and picture.And just go for it what have i got to lose

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RE: Thank you - 3/12/2006 2:59:39 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mrsaucey

Thank you all for the advice you have given me.I'm going to change my profile and picture.And just go for it what have i got to lose

Best of luck to you.

Be well,
Julie

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RE: Thank you - 3/12/2006 3:00:00 PM

RavenMuse

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mrsaucey

Thank you all for the advice you have given me.I'm going to change my profile and picture.And just go for it what have i got to lose

Absolutely. A much better attitude. Good luck

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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Post #: 28

RE: Thank you - 3/16/2006 5:43:04 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrsaucey

Thank you all for the advice you have given me.I'm going to change my profile and picture.And just go for it what have i got to lose

There speaks a man who is taking his manhood in both hands ready to face the world... Bravo!

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RE: Thank you - 3/17/2006 3:26:10 AM

Prunesquallor

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

There speaks a man who is taking his manhood in both hands ready to face the world... Bravo!

I did that last week, and got arrested. :)

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RE: Thank you - 3/17/2006 3:49:37 AM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prunesquallor

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

There speaks a man who is taking his manhood in both hands ready to face the world... Bravo!

I did that last week, and got arrested. :)