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RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 6:18:13 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Most importantly you're married. Beyond that you expect someone to give up their job, move to you, and be totally dependent financially on you. Yet they have no recourse if your wife gets jealous and kicks them out. They'll be left penniless on the street.

There must be a local scene in Oklahoma. Find it and meet people for real.

Oh that line about getting a picture with your name on it as a test? I don't send pictures to people I don't know and I don't yet know if I want to get to know. The picture comes last, when you're sure you want to meet. Because if you aren't compatible, then why do you need to know what she looks like?

Beyond that, is this slave supposed to live with you? Is she doing all the housework, obeying your wife in that? There's no clear sense of what you want her for except sex games.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 6:38:07 AM   
WarKirby


Posts: 71
Joined: 11/22/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

Can anyone look over my profile


I've not looked at your profile, but you need to ask yourself why you ask other masters to help you figure out why your profile doesn't work? It is something you would ask of your target group - subs or slaves, whatever the case may be. They would probably be able to tell you what is wrong with you the best, wouldn't you think? So perhaps you do this more often, looking in the wrong cubbyhole?



My guess would be that doing that would somewhat be construed as unwanted advertising/attention whoring, since it bypasses the main purpose of the site and essentially posts your pfoile in the forum. that sort of thing sometimes gets bad reactions.
Since other dominants are not his target market, he can post here comfortably knowing that none of us are likely to be interested in that way, and so can't be accused of advertising in that manner.

there's also the possibility that, feeling insecure about the profile, he'd rather not shove it up in the face of the target audience, who may be permanantly turned off from him by it, and would isntead prefer to get the help of unrelated parties so that the target audience only sees it when it's more refined.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 6:57:07 AM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline 		Not your target audience but I'm always up for a good bit of critiquing

What's your purpose in finding and owning a slave/sub?  You aren't very clear on that.  You are, however, clear on the fact that, according to your wife, a slave would be your responsibility.  What does that mean and how would your wife play into the dynamic? 

You also state...
quote:


I want someone whom really-really wants to commit to the lifestyle and not someone whom thinks its a fun idea, I'm looking for a serious player for a serious Master.

And yet you aren't very clear as to what that really means.  Would a slave be strictly sex or would you expect more service?  If you want this person to move to be with you, what do you offer other than....
quote:


In return you'll get taken to places your body and mind have never known or ever dreamed of.

Offering this little tidbit...
quote:


ultimately I want something long term, but we can talk about all this after you write me back now can't we...

isn't really enough to give a person a clue as to what it is you want from a slave/sub.

All in all, the profile isn't bad.  I would suggest you be clearer on why you want a slave/sub and maybe not focus so much on some of the other things that can be mentioned as you get to know a person. 

Just my  and good luck in your search. 

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~


(in reply to BeowulfKaine)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 7:21:02 AM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

Lose the foul language.  Fix your apostrophe issues. 


As well as spelling, grammar and punctuation.

(in reply to Aylee)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 8:46:52 AM   
Lucienne


Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Most importantly you're married. Beyond that you expect someone to give up their job, move to you, and be totally dependent financially on you. Yet they have no recourse if your wife gets jealous and kicks them out. They'll be left penniless on the street.

There must be a local scene in Oklahoma. Find it and meet people for real.

Oh that line about getting a picture with your name on it as a test? I don't send pictures to people I don't know and I don't yet know if I want to get to know. The picture comes last, when you're sure you want to meet. Because if you aren't compatible, then why do you need to know what she looks like?

Beyond that, is this slave supposed to live with you? Is she doing all the housework, obeying your wife in that? There's no clear sense of what you want her for except sex games.


Second all of this. Especially the "test." It's invasive and it isn't even that good of a test as to whether or not the profile is fake.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 9:05:07 AM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		OP:

I think that you need spaces in your profile..for people to pause..
I like that you tell about you..the man and describe your wife etc.

I think it may be fairly hard to find a woman who does not MIND a married man..why?
People do not want to be 2nd..and YET
because you  are HONEST then they know exactly what is going on
also I think I would take the DO NOT MIND out..why?
It sounds like YOU are not comfortabel in a way..
"I am married and My wife approves and there will be arrangements so you can talk to her and verify this"
 is far STRONGER and grounded.
 
I did not see the profile before but this one seems CLEARER although there is more emphasis on sex than BDSM..
As a psycology person I would find the idea of going into a journey with someone as such to be an exciting possibility and suggest you lean to that..perhaps..
as in
I  seek a open..intelligent woman who will come on a wonderful jouney of......with me.I offer you............................and ....................................

The important thing is to EMPHASIZE strengths you have..subs do not want a
wavering DOM..
so intelligence,,,??care...knowledge...stability..?"I assue you that....."
"We will talk at length and negotiate....

as to tests and the wife etc...
YOU CAN FIGURE THAT ALL OUT..
I met and acquired 3 more "husbands" while married to 1 st husband..it was  POLY
and we all lived togeterh but is is do-able with COMMUNICATION...
The woman will NEED TO KNOW exactly where she stands and that she is not disposable but cherished as well in a dif way..
DO nto be so eager to play you miss valuable COMMUNICATION time..



GM
ps a good book
THE ETHCIAL SLUT..D Eastman..
it tells a LOT abotu people with multiple partners and
communication..re: jealousy etc.
*slut meaning someone who is in control of their sexuality

< Message edited by GYPSYMAMBO -- 11/15/2009 9:08:45 AM >

_____________________________

"Better served women will better serve the world"

** ** **

"A turd is still a turd even if it is shellaced!"

(in reply to Lucienne)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 9:48:15 AM   
whiteslavebitch


Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		Actually, I have to say that your profile is very nicely written. It tells a lot about you and what you desire. But I see that I didn't read the original version.

Your real problem as another poster stated is finding a slave that is willing to join a married couple. It has been done before even on this site. I would suggest you check out the poly message board.

< Message edited by whiteslavebitch -- 11/15/2009 9:50:59 AM >

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to BeowulfKaine)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 10:25:53 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Well, Scott, the first thing that hits me is that you've got your profile repeated twice.

Aside from that, even though your wife is cool with you having a side dish, I can't imagine any woman relocating to be a part timer.  I'd suggest that you look for locals only.

"[Your wife's] place in our relationship would be complimenting, though she has expressed to me that she may not be as involved in the day to day of owning a slave, more so that you would be "my" responsibility as she puts it - half jokingly." - I may be dense but I can't figure out whether your wife would be involved or not.

Also, I can't figure out what your prospective's role would be.  Sex, and if so, with you. or you and your wife?  Domestic chores?  Anything else?  Will she work and contribute to the household income, or stay at home?

"We currently don’t have any children, and we have no plans to ever have children."  Does this mean that you will not accept a woman with children?

"its not my place to argue that’s with her, we each have a right to believe in anything we want, even a slave"

So how come you list four religions as hard limits?  Will you not accept a slave with those religions?  If not, what are they hard limits for?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 10:29:41 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WarKirby

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

Can anyone look over my profile


I've not looked at your profile, but you need to ask yourself why you ask other masters to help you figure out why your profile doesn't work? It is something you would ask of your target group - subs or slaves, whatever the case may be. They would probably be able to tell you what is wrong with you the best, wouldn't you think? So perhaps you do this more often, looking in the wrong cubbyhole?



My guess would be that doing that would somewhat be construed as unwanted advertising/attention whoring, since it bypasses the main purpose of the site and essentially posts your pfoile in the forum. that sort of thing sometimes gets bad reactions.
Since other dominants are not his target market, he can post here comfortably knowing that none of us are likely to be interested in that way, and so can't be accused of advertising in that manner.

there's also the possibility that, feeling insecure about the profile, he'd rather not shove it up in the face of the target audience, who may be permanantly turned off from him by it, and would isntead prefer to get the help of unrelated parties so that the target audience only sees it when it's more refined.



I think you're overthinking it. He's new. He saw a forum with the word master in it and probably figured that's where he's supposed to post.

Oh and OP, your profile says you're in school full time and working full time at a very well paid job. If that's true, that you've already allotted most of your nonsleep hours to these pursuits, I haven't figured out when you get to see your wife, let alone a third, plus do your home work.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 11/15/2009 10:32:09 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to WarKirby)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 10:32:35 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		As a slave, i just don't see that much in your profile that's compelling for me to serve you.

i don't necessarily see your being married as the main issue - there are many poly slaves out there who just might be looking for a situation such as yours.  However you list very little about your style as a Master, the type of ownership you offer, your experience - it's all a little vague.  For me an understanding of the type of service you seek and how you will mold and shape your slave into that service is necessary for me to feel that desire to serve, and if that would be the best situation for me in which i will grow.

So in that vein, perhaps list a bit less about your wife and home life, and more about what i list above.  Also an understanding of how the slave would be cared for in the event that she moves to you and is released would be helpful, as others have mentioned.  While a slave may make her last choice to be to serve you, we do live in the real word and in order to build her trust in you and your situation some provisions for her financial and personal well-being in the event of her release is in order.

For some reason when i looked at your profile today all the text was repeated twice - you may want to check that.

If i can be of any more assistance i would be happy to help.

julie
(who is currently under consideration and hence has an inactive profile )

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 11/15/2009 10:46:03 AM >

(in reply to whiteslavebitch)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 11:57:36 AM   
Wantstocontrolu


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline 		Couple of blunt comments...
1. You have just started here, be patient. We have been looking for about 2 years and I am not looking specificlly for a female.
2. The ad is too much about you and too little about what you are looking for.
3. The ad is too wordy
4. The ad is full of explaining about your wife and looks sort of like you are making an excuse, at the same time you are complimenting her so that if she reads the ad she will not kick your ass.


_____________________________

wantstocontrolu

(in reply to BeowulfKaine)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/15/2009 1:15:42 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Poly means all of them have a relationship. I don't get the feeling his wife even wants friendship. So she's supposed to move there and live in the house with a woman who will either ignore her or order her about depending on her mood. This is a trainwreck ready to happen.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Wantstocontrolu)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/17/2009 5:22:07 AM   
BossyShoeBitch


Posts: 3931
Joined: 1/13/2007
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		Aside from the grammatical errors, I think what you have written now is so much better than what you had before! It makes you seem approachable and real.

One last thing I would suggest is to make this your main profile pic.

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to BeowulfKaine)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/17/2009 6:50:00 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:


One last thing I would suggest is to make this your main profile pic.


Damn... yes.  I vote yes.  That BSB is brilliant!


_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to BossyShoeBitch)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/19/2009 8:49:35 AM   
spatejak


Posts: 53
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		First, most of us doms have trouble finding people here. Contrary to popular belief, there are not hordes of subs willing to throw themselves at us:( I've been here for years and met only a handful of women. Second, drop the pictures of you wife, except for the couple. You're asking for a woman to play second string. Don't rub her nose in it. Finally your profile is too long and rambling. A prospective sub doesn't need to know how you feel about hunting, how many and what kinds of pets you have, you wife's religion and your thoughts on it, etc. I found it tedious to read through it all. For reasons I've already explained, play down your wife. You're married and your wife knows about and approves of you seeking a sub. That's it! Your profile is a sort of resume. It's different because your prospective client is interested not only in the factual matter, but also your personality. Can she trust you to tie her up and not ransack her apartment or cut her throat. if she says her safeword will yu actually stop. You really should have posted this to "Ask a slave." Also, you have two absolutely stunning ladies as friends There are few straight doms who wouldn't want them kneeling at his feet. Ask what they think of your profile. 

< Message edited by spatejak -- 11/19/2009 8:51:42 AM >

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/24/2009 7:02:42 PM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline 		Definitely put a shirt on in your main pic.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/25/2009 12:34:38 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Two silly nitpicks:

This isn't Alt, no need for the first line about standard members.

It occurs to me that if you can't decide on your own hairstyle, you may have problems being decisive when another person is under your control.

Just quick thoughts that occurred to me straight away...

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/25/2009 1:07:03 AM   
MstrPBK


Posts: 573
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		you wanted feed back ...

Suggestion #1: While what you have written is important information to be shared at ... some point ... I would re-edit it down to 3 to 6 good very pointed paragraphs that serve as an concise introduction. Think in terms of what does the partner really really need to know.

Suggestion #2: With the information you have left assemble a document that you can send them (when you know they are really interested) about your expectations, likes and what life might be like in your world. I have what I call a 'conventions document' which covers that.

MstrPBK
ST. Paul, MN USA

(in reply to BeowulfKaine)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/25/2009 6:49:18 PM   
QuirkyAnne


Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
Status: offline 		There are a couple of punctuation errors but it is very up front and honest, exactly what it should be.  Good luck!

(in reply to BeowulfKaine)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: New Master Here Seeks Opinion of his Profile? - 11/25/2009 9:08:45 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline 		Advice:

1. Take out the "standard members can contact me for free" at the beginning, cuz it makes it blatantly obvious you just copypasted your profile from another personals site you're on that (unlike CM) has standard/premium membership.

2. Fix the formatting issues (the html break tags aren't working so it just says "br" between paragraphs)

3. Use pic 2 as your main pic (or any other pic where you're wearing a shirt...seriously.) and take off the bottom pic where you're all scruffy and making a weird face. There's no point in putting 6 pics of you looking good, cuz it's all going to be erased by that 7th pic of you looking like a bum.

4. Fix the grammar, and take out the part about the scam artists...it might just be a quirk of mine but whenever I hear a guy talk about "scam artists" I get an instant negative vibe off of him. I don't know why exactly, it just sends out a weird vibe, same with any profiles that have "Fakes" or "posers" or anything in it. I guess it makes him seem weak.

5. I don't think you want a picture of her with your name on it, I think you want a picture of her, holding up a piece of paper with your name on it.

6. Most importantly - you're not going to get a lot of mail, because a lot of female submissives expect the dominant to pursue her, rather than having her chase after him. So I'd send out the first email, and *only* to people who are open to a poly relationship. You're just going to waste your time if the "looking for" says Dominant Men but not Joining a Poly Household cuz, well, most of us want the married man we date to be married to *us*

Also second most importantly (or possibly more importantly) I seriously recommend that if you have the time, you should post on the forums...it's like the difference between approaching a woman in a bar and trying to find the best way to say "hi you look hot and I hope you're actually interesting" vs. approaching a woman and being able to say "I think we have a lot in common, would you like to talk in private?"

(in reply to QuirkyAnne)
Profile   Post #: 40
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