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Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 12:32:03 PM   
MsLillyKate


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		Hey Everyone...

Longtime visitor, first time posting.

Something has been bothering me lately. Its something that I've been aware of for some time now and I thought maybe the peeps here might be able to provide me some advice :) .

I am a Domme, I've always considered myself one. I consider myself the loving, caring, looking after sort, who gets disciplinary when I need to. I'm lesbian and often treat my subs like my g/f's who I own. I dont believe in the types who are constantly putting their sub down and from what I've noticed, there are too many Domme wannabe's....let alone on this site.

Getting back to my issue.....I understand the lifestyle very well....I know how to conduct myself etc. One aspect which is worrying me alot is that I find myself sometimes too empathetic.... I find myself going out of my way to please my sub. It sounds odd but I have gone out of my way alot in the past with ex subs, sometimes overly empathetic...sometimes finding myself wanting to snuggle with them when they've wanted something rougher....

Do you think that this is a weak aspect of a Domme?....I adore being in this lifestyle.....but I sometimes wonder If  Im really cut out to be in it. Im currently subless, though Im getting close to a particular sub on here..and she adores me for me....but my concern is a general one.

Thank you.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 12:37:45 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Dominance does not demand that you are sadistic. Unfortunately this is a common misconception. You can be dominant, meaning want to be the leader in your relationship, without having any interest in kinky activities.

It's only a problem if you pick partners who want a sadistic dominant when you aren't. Maybe you need to tell people this a lot earlier in the dating process so they don't feel as though you misrepresented yourself? I'm not saying you do, but because so many people do believe sadism and dominance are equivalent, you need to bring it up in order to clear up their misconceptions.

The Man's dominant but not sadistic. We're bondage aficionados but he's still in charge and yes, he's caring and nurturing. Not quite a D/lg thing, not quite a pet thing but those kinds of qualities. So think about it, people don't go around whipping their dogs, they just spend more time on obedience classes.

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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 12:47:37 PM   
badgirl64


Posts: 28
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		Just to add my two cents...I agree with DesFIP. There is nothing wrong with being and empathetic Domme. I'm one and proud of it!

But I can also be very sadistic....just depends on the sub/slave that I'm playing with. Some bring out the sadist in me, some the empath.

To DesFIP's point, make sure you tell your potential subs that to start with so there is no miscommunication. And if you have a potential sub now that likes you for you, more power to you and I hope it works out for you both!

Mistress Carla

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 12:51:48 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

One aspect which is worrying me alot is that I find myself sometimes too empathetic....


Too empathic for who? The *too* is subjective.

Do others on the outside looking in consider you too empathic? If so, that one's easy. It is none of their business how you conduct your relationship! :-)

Do your partners consider you too empathic? If so, maybe communication can help clarify to them where you are coming from, what they need. If not, maybe you aren't suited for one another. Sad, but often true.

Now if you consider yourself too empathic, that is another story. Are you denying to yourself who you truly are? Are you struggling with this part of you thiking you should be harsher? Is is something that you want to work on?

I am a dominant woman in all aspects of my life and a sensual sadist. I think what balances me out in all this is my very strong sense of empathy, so this actually can all co-exist in a person very well.

I have a feeling I know where you are coming from, in the sense that you feel that if you aren't always in control that you won't be taken seriously. I felt this way in the begining. What you need to realise is that once you have earned your partner's devotion and respect, you don't need to actively been in control all the time for them to be subservient to you.

Hoping this helps, if not, I can elaborate and discuss further.

- LA

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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 12:57:03 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		To echo what Des said and to add to it, nobody ever says even those of us who are more sadistic are detached and unemotional.  Empathy absolutely has a place in Dominance, even for those of us who like our play time a bit rougher.  There is nothing wrong with being harsh during play and still having those other times where the close, cuddling periods happen.  

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 1:36:32 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I think the key words for me were those that stated that the dominant might wish to cuddle when the submissive might want things rougher. The solution of course would be communication... but as for relating to the feeling and all that create's it... yes, I have been there. I believe that it mostly comes from outside sources, title's, expectations or the kind of rule book of this means that and this is how it should be. Even as independent as I am and as strong as I am in living how I wish to live, when dealing with another person, you will have to consider what they think, how they view things and what their needs are. So that confusion or second guessing stuff can make it's way into things.

I know at times I wondered about things because I wasn't sadistic and it seemed that everyone assumed as a dominant, I would act certain ways and I did wonder if I had it in me to blend with what most seemed to want and need from a dominant. But that only lasted for a few moments here and there before my stubborn.. I am me.. and this is what I want and there is someone out there that will fit me, stuff, silenced that inner thought that made me question myself or things.

The way I see it is, when you meet someone and you blend, you communicate well and you start finding your way into more serious things, you work things out however it works best for you. Nothing else really matters. You can't be too anything if you both are in the same place. The rest is just working out some details. lol

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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 2:22:05 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think that this is a weak aspect of a Domme?....

No not at all, it means that you are leading your relationship the way that YOU want to. I am an empathic person myself, I am also sadistic It is fine to treat your sub well and want to do things that make them happy (as long as it pleases you as well). Just do not sacrifice what makes YOU happy in order to please them.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to MsLillyKate)
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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 2:29:56 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		I'm a sadistic, caring cuddler.  Sometimes, I'm a cuddling, caring sadist.  There's room for all of us here.  You just have to find the right match.

(in reply to MsLillyKate)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 3:46:37 PM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline 		dominance is a just trait that gives you the desire to inflict your will upon others, it doesn't say what your will is.

it'd be pretty hard to say "you can't be any damn way you please" when you're the one that's supposed to call the shots and say how things are. 

if you didn't have control over how you control someone, wouldn't be much control to have ya know?

i think the word controlling has some sort of negative connotation to it for most people, it sounds oppressive or something i suppose, or think that it means you're causing an action in something/someone that is unwanted.  that's just not the adamantly the case, i don't think that what you/they/it wants is even relevant honestly; it's just you or whoever/whatever being IN control, regardless of if it's fun or boring, trivial or important, necessary or superfluous, what they want or what you want. 

unless what they want is to call the shots, and they have that ability in your relationship for any other reason than because you chose to suspend your control while you were presently holding onto the reigns; i don't think your "dominance" can really be called into question or be thought of as weak, regardless of what you actually spend your time doing or how it makes anyone feel.

it's really as simple as them wanting to watch a tv show with you.

you both end up sitting on the couch watching it, but guess who's holding the remote?~


< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 11/15/2009 3:49:44 PM >

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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 3:53:14 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		LOL.. so it all boils down to who holds the remote! Lifetime channel here we come... I'm proving my dominance! I can live with that. hehe

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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 3:53:38 PM   
SnowRanger


Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline 		Hello A/all,

If I may be so bold I'd like to put a minor tweak on what  Ms. Lockit said.  Communication, in and of it's self, is not a solution to a problem in a relationship.  It certainly is the path to a solution (or... need to say it dis-solution) for a relationship.

To the OP;  There is a photo out there of a muscular man gently holding a baby.  The inference that I get from it is that the man is strong enough to be gentle.  Perhaps Ms Lilly Kate, you are strong enough to handle your empathy.

Respectfully,
Mike
SnowRanger


_____________________________

You can't help where you were born; and, you may not have much to say about where you die; but, you can and you should try to pass the days in between as a good man.
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(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 3:55:38 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		LOL... Tweak away SnowRanger! I stand corrected! Now give me that darn remote!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 3:58:26 PM   
SnowRanger


Posts: 503
Joined: 5/25/2008
From: Sinsinnati
Status: offline 		Were I in Your house (or You in mine), I'd surrender the remote with pleasure.   Mike 

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 4:03:37 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Lifetime channel here we come...


Oh, now that's *really* sadistic.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 4:03:40 PM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

LOL.. so it all boils down to who holds the remote! Lifetime channel here we come... I'm proving my dominance! I can live with that. hehe


if you want to take it one step further and put someone in "electronic entertainment chastity" you could also disable the buttons on the television itself and get one of those remotes that require an access code to use =p


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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 4:16:14 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		LOL... I love it!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/15/2009 6:46:13 PM   
Rhodes85


Posts: 445
Joined: 11/15/2008
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Status: offline 		OP,

No it doesn't make you weak at all. Theres nothing that says that just because you are dominant that you have to be overly sadistic or even sadistic at all. Theres nothing wrong with being caring and nice. Its not a sign of weakness. My advice is not to let anyone or anything give you any kind of preconception as to what being a Domme is. Theres nothing that says you have to act in any particular manner. Just be yourself. From how you have described yourself I don't see any reason why you wouldn't be cut out for being a Domme. You clearly have your principles and you should stand by them.

By the way, I wouldn't worry about being subless at the moment. From what you have said here and in your profile I can't see you having to wait too long for the right girl to come along. I wish you the best in  your search.

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This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency you would all be dead by now. Have a nice day and remember: Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/16/2009 1:26:13 AM   
steve5353


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/2/2009
Status: offline 		No I do not think it is a sign of weakness, it is a sign of your emotions. You have proven many times over and over that you are the one in charge and if you wish to cuddle then do it. You be who you are first, foremost and always. That power within you is what draws submissives to you.
Good luck and enjoy every minute, every wave, and every ride.
Sincerely,
  Steve

[email protected]

(in reply to MsLillyKate)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/16/2009 2:33:02 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		Fr.
It makes you human.


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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 11/16/2009 4:19:25 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		There is no reason you cannot have all aspects described in your personality.

I can be the snuggliest, most gentle and motherly sort there is, or, if there is a specific energy with someone, wickedly sadistic. Can be both with the same person even.

As others have already said, it's all about being genuine to yourself

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MsLillyKate)
Profile   Post #: 20
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