ElanSubdued
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MsLillyKate,
I sent this in a PM, but after thinking about it, this fits in the thread and may be of interest to others too. Thus, I'm going to plagiarize myself. :-) I'll add the following caveat: these are my approaches and opinions. Others may have their own approaches. I'm certainly not saying mine is the correct way or that there is only one way. Some of what I've written may be obvious to those experienced in BDSM, but this is what came to mind while considering your questions.
For those that don't know me, I'm a male submissive who has also been a dominant. These days, while I identify as submissive, I avoid labels. How I choose to communicate with a partner and the emotions we share is unique to that relationship. Of course, I do have personality traits that are "me". These are part of my approach to BDSM, but they also transcend BDSM (and I'm fine with that). This is actually a good starting place for your questions so let's dive in.
I see two questions, as follows:
1.) Is empathy for your submissive and a desire to care for your submissive and meet their needs at odds with dominance?
The things that make you who you are don't change just because you're dominant. After reading your profile, I see grace, intelligence, empathy, honesty, directness, softness, strength, a sense of humour, romance, vulnerability, and many other things I'll leave out for brevity's sake. This is your personage, the fundamental you, that underlines and drives your dominance. As a dominant, it's your choice how much you give of yourself to your partner. This said, many dominants choose not to limit themselves when guiding and communicating with their partners. This means they share all of themselves - their feelings, friendship, love, romance, successes and failures, strengths and insecurities, high and lows, laughter and tears. Hopefully, if this is the basis of the relationship, your submissive shares everything they are with you.
Were I the girl you're looking for (which clearly I'm not :-), your personage is the biggest reason I'd contact you, and this includes your empathetic approach which comes across in your profile and in your thread. You show that you're not infallible and that you have a desire to communicate and to learn with your girl. I wouldn't change this no matter how many uber dominants (male or female) might advise otherwise. Looking at the replies in your thread, many dommes and submissives seem to agree with this point of view. There is a lovely, gentle humanity in your approach. In my opinion, this makes you a very desirable dominant and one that many girls (and boys, if you swung that way) would be proud to submit to and could fall in love with. Therefore, I'd say your empathy isn't at odds with dominance, but rather that this is a most wonderful aspect of your dominant mind and approach.
2.) What happens when a dominant's natural response is to offer comfort and concern, but the submissive actually wants rougher play/treatment?
This is where communication comes in. You're a human being. Your submissive is a human being. Neither of you can read minds. So yes, sometimes partners are in different moods or they misread each other. This is perfectly normal. When you need to cuddle and caress your submissive, and share mutual love and affection, gently communicate this to her. On the flip side, your partner has needs too and I know that you know this. As the dominant, you're the leader and you can (hopefully) communicate your needs whenever you wish. This is sometimes a little more difficult for submissives due to their supporting role. I like to create regular reviews where a submissive can communicate their needs. For example, you could do this by having your girl write a weekly journal. Comfort her by letting her know that no matter what she writes, she won't get in trouble and you'll love her all the more. Now you've got a means for your partner to communicate desires and one that reinforces your roles as dominant and submissive. Of course, you can also ask your partner to communicate her desires face to face. If she's not comfortable asking for what she wants, one approach is to say "your service to me right now is to communicate your desires... this is what I want from you".
Sometimes a partner may ask for things that don't come naturally to you. Your example of a submissive who wants rougher play may be such a case. One of the things I remind myself is that partners ask for things they want. So if your girl asks you to cane her ass till she's black and blue, you can reassure yourself that by doing this you're actually giving your partner love and affection. It may take some trial and effort to find out what works for your partner and what works for you. That's part of the journey. The first time you try something new, it may not feel comfortable. Still, it's often worth trying something a few times before coming to an opinion. I find practice and shared experience are often joys in themselves, and this leads to greater understanding of the activity and of how it might become enjoyable. Sometimes, when it's an activity I don't enjoy but my partner does, just watching my partner enjoy themselves is enough to turn me on. This is another approach I've found that has turned activities I wasn't sure about into ones I really liked.
I always try to inject laughter, love, and lots of caresses and eye contact during play. However, if you're in the middle of intense sensation play or another kind of play, sometimes there aren't appropriate opportunities for this. One solution is that you do this as a follow-up to play and during aftercare. Thus, now that your partner has a caned, sore, bruised bum, you can look after her, caress her hair, kiss the tears away, and whisper soft words and tell her how much you love her. It might seem counter-intuitive to hurt her and then kiss her better, but think of it this way... you didn't actually hurt her. What the two of you did was go mountain climbing together. Now the two of you are sore and you're looking after one another. This is one way I managed to connect with a submissive who was more into receiving pain than I was into giving it. There was something about her joyful, loving response that convinced me it was okay to "give it to her harder and rougher" next time. :-)
Oops. I'm at risk of rambling! Perhaps you know most (or all) of this stuff already. At any rate, I hope something in this note is of use and I hope everything works out for you and your new girl.
Warmly,
Elan.
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RE: Confused as a Domme... - 
so valid and not wrong.. 
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