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RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/16/2009 8:03:25 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ipromise4u

i just need to know what the hell happened, i would have liked to hear it from Him but He is a coward and will not speak to me about it.

What happened was he couldn't deal with how stunning you are so he tried to tear you down in order to feel better about himself. He never said "girl, there WILL be other women and if I want you to clean my cock off when I am done with them, that is your lot in life" and actually owned what he wanted to do, instead he lied about things, used other women to manipulate you, and in general acted like a nitwit.

Either that or Conneticut is full of hot looking brunettes who are kinky as hell, but I doubt it.

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Post #: 21

RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/16/2009 8:12:18 PM

sophiesback

Posts: 4039
Joined: 11/4/2009
From: Illinois
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ipromise4u

Greetings all,

i am new to these forums and i would like to say hi. i've been going through a really difficult time the past few weeks and have had no one to talk to. i guess i just need someone to listen and to give me feed back.

i was owned and collared to my very first Master, He is Gorean, i was not and was learning. W/we were together from Aug until He unexpectedly released me end of Oct.

i fell in love with Him very quickly and He as well, at least that is what He told me. W/we saw each other every week and talked daily. The one thing that started to cause issues with in the relationship were my insecurities. He flirted daily with others and it hurt my feelings. He would assure me that i was the only one for Him and that i had to just stop being "emotional" and just deal with it. i tried to deal with it but i felt as though He would test me on a daily basis. He was always emailing and instant messaging others and He would be sure i knew, just to get a reaction from me. i bit my tongue and would not say anything even though it hurt me and caused me great anxiety. W/we went to a munch together and there was a sub sitting across from me that He conversed with during the whole munch. He tells me a few days later that He got her email because He wanted U/us to be friends with her. Okay, i bit my tongue and told HIm that was great. A few days later He and i were in O/our nightly instant message together and the conversation was laggy so i repectfully asked Him if He was talking with some one else. He replied "yes" it was the girl from the munch.

i was so hurt, it felt like i was stabbed in the heart at that moment. Here it was, O/our nightly time together before W/we go to sleep and He has another message screen up with her at the same time. I told Him that it was rude and insensitive to do so and that if He wished to talk with her i would excuse myself and let them talk. i mean, is it me or is it not a rude thing to do? How can You hold 2 conversations at one time? it was like i was getting 50% of him and it was hurtful.

He released me 2 mins later in the instant message. His last 3 words to me were "okay, I'm Done". i thought he meant done with the conversation...No, i found out the next morning that i was actually released. He didn't even have the respect to tell me face to face.

i sent Him 2 emails begging for forgiveness, that i would try to not be jealous. He never replied back. i called Him 1 time, He would not speak to me. That was 3 weeks ago.

He then collared another girl 2 weeks ago. (not the girl from the munch).

i am just not understanding any of this. He told me every single day how much He loved me, even in O/our last instant message before He released me. He was like a jekle/hyde.

i just need to know what the hell happened, i would have liked to hear it from Him but He is a coward and will not speak to me about it.

okay, i will stop rambling...and i am not whining, i am just really confused.

i have moved on and am thankful that i am not with Him anymore but i feel as though He did not give me proper closure and it bothers me.

:::hugs:::

My former Sir has struck again!?

Naw, that was really insensitive and i know it was not.
i could not resist, though.

My advice, OP....if he comes back to you, don't fall for it. (Do as i say, not as i do

)

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Post #: 22

RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/17/2009 11:21:29 AM

KateyCaine

Posts: 274
Joined: 5/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ipromise4u

Greetings all,

i am new to these forums and i would like to say hi. i've been going through a really difficult time the past few weeks and have had no one to talk to. i guess i just need someone to listen and to give me feed back.

i was owned and collared to my very first Master, He is Gorean, i was not and was learning. W/we were together from Aug until He unexpectedly released me end of Oct.

i fell in love with Him very quickly and He as well, at least that is what He told me. W/we saw each other every week and talked daily. The one thing that started to cause issues with in the relationship were my insecurities. He flirted daily with others and it hurt my feelings. He would assure me that i was the only one for Him and that i had to just stop being "emotional" and just deal with it. i tried to deal with it but i felt as though He would test me on a daily basis. He was always emailing and instant messaging others and He would be sure i knew, just to get a reaction from me. i bit my tongue and would not say anything even though it hurt me and caused me great anxiety. W/we went to a munch together and there was a sub sitting across from me that He conversed with during the whole munch. He tells me a few days later that He got her email because He wanted U/us to be friends with her. Okay, i bit my tongue and told HIm that was great. A few days later He and i were in O/our nightly instant message together and the conversation was laggy so i repectfully asked Him if He was talking with some one else. He replied "yes" it was the girl from the munch.

i was so hurt, it felt like i was stabbed in the heart at that moment. Here it was, O/our nightly time together before W/we go to sleep and He has another message screen up with her at the same time. I told Him that it was rude and insensitive to do so and that if He wished to talk with her i would excuse myself and let them talk. i mean, is it me or is it not a rude thing to do? How can You hold 2 conversations at one time? it was like i was getting 50% of him and it was hurtful.

He released me 2 mins later in the instant message. His last 3 words to me were "okay, I'm Done". i thought he meant done with the conversation...No, i found out the next morning that i was actually released. He didn't even have the respect to tell me face to face.

i sent Him 2 emails begging for forgiveness, that i would try to not be jealous. He never replied back. i called Him 1 time, He would not speak to me. That was 3 weeks ago.

He then collared another girl 2 weeks ago. (not the girl from the munch).

i am just not understanding any of this. He told me every single day how much He loved me, even in O/our last instant message before He released me. He was like a jekle/hyde.

i just need to know what the hell happened, i would have liked to hear it from Him but He is a coward and will not speak to me about it.

okay, i will stop rambling...and i am not whining, i am just really confused.

i have moved on and am thankful that i am not with Him anymore but i feel as though He did not give me proper closure and it bothers me.

:::hugs:::

Sweetheart, i am so sorry that your first M/s relationship" had to end in such a cruel and abrupt manner, my heart goes out to you. It seems exceptionally harsh, the way He released you so quickly, when you were so committed to both Him and to your training.

From His hot/cold, hot/cold attitude towards you, especially at the munch, it sounds as though He's not really ready to commit His heart to one person yet - if anything, it doesn't sound like He even knows what He wants. This happens all the time in vanilla relationships, but you'd think a collar would signify a deeper commitent on the part of all involved.

Have you tried talking to him - this involves asking the hard questons - as to why He released you so coldly and abruptly. Let Him know that you need to know this in order to move on, so that there are no loose ends hindering your next relationship.

*BIG FURRY HUGS*

i wish you all the best, just keep reminding youself that you deserve love and respect from a Dom, or ANY partner.

k :)

< Message edited by KateyCaine -- 11/17/2009 11:23:31 AM >

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Post #: 23

RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/17/2009 11:44:00 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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My ex was monogamous for many years yet I was always insecure and on the verge of jealousy. Not because I am such a weak jealous person but because none of my needs were met. If he did something that made me feel good, especially if I told him how wonderful it made me feel, then it never would happen again.

What I've discovered is that he was the insecure one due to his childhood issues. He never believed I truly loved him so he kept taking things away to see if I still did. Of course, one day I didn't, he made his worst nightmare come true.

With The Man this stuff doesn't happen because he doesn't just say it, his actions show it. He pays attention to my needs and makes sure they're fulfilled.

In just the same way you wouldn't not give a valuable animal food water or vet care, you also don't force a sub to go without their needs met and expect them to stay at their best. His cars run much longer than the average because he doesn't defer maintenance. And so does our relationship because he pays attention. Am I making a noise I don't usually make? He stops and finds out why.

With him this insecure jealous persona I always had has disappeared. It was never really me, it was tendencies in me the ex deliberately wanted to come out so he nurtured that. He made sure I was scared, off balance, and confused and without any chance of ever counting on him.

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Post #: 24

RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/17/2009 11:58:46 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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quote:

i was indeed jealous and yes i begged forgiveness

Did you beg forgiveness for loving him? For showing happiness? Did you expect him to release you if he saw a tear in your eye?

I have a huge problem with begging forgiveness for jealously. As with love, happiness, sadness, etc it is a NORMAL HUMAN emotion and as a normal human...you are entitled to have that emotion along with all the others.

Your jealousy was not groundless and therefore it was a problem that needed to be equally shared. Rather than accepting responsibility and dealing with the issue, he chose to fail.

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Post #: 25

RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/19/2009 8:53:34 AM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
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if this is how he treats those who serve him i would sujest that you use it as a learning experince and move on. go to local meet and greets attend the local groups even if there a bit of a drive ask questions politly of course. find other dynamics that work and see why they work and find what works for you. i realy wish you well on your journey and i am sorry that your first experince was not a good one, there are many others out there that will be good to and for you.

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Post #: 26

RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/19/2009 9:43:13 AM

Lucienne

Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

What I've discovered is that he was the insecure one due to his childhood issues. He never believed I truly loved him so he kept taking things away to see if I still did.

Aw, man... I've had the unpleasant experience of watching a young man being raised by a mom who seems scientifically designed to create such insecurities. He's such a sweet kid. But he's never going to be happy until he figures out that his mom is never going to demonstrate the unconditional love that he's looking for.

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Post #: 27

RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/19/2009 10:23:53 AM

HisSweetElysium

Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ipromise4u

.Damit, i had self esteem before i met Him. i had the strength, i had the focus and then i lost it all when i fell in love. Yes, this was such a great lesson learned. i am actually thankful now that i have learned and still learning. i am gaining my self esteem back and my strength. i am and have been a sensitive and emotional girl my whole life. That is who i am and it is the beauty with in me. i know that there is a Man out there who will respect that quality in me and embrace it. i will not try to hide my emotions ever again for to do that i would only be kidding myself, hiding behind a mask and to me a M/s relationship is so very special, there should be emotion, real raw emotion with in the relationship and open communication.

Okay, I don't know a thing about Gor and I'm not speaking a word about that. However, I do wish to address some of the things you said here from my perspective as a slave. My Master's role in my life INCREASES my self esteem. My Master makes me stronger and more proud than I was before, as well as more focused and sweetie, I was not in a shabby starting place either! ;)

He in every way that counts lifts me and encourages me, protects me and inspires me. He challenges me to be a better version of me, not because I am not good enough, but because His love for me wants to see me blossom and become all that my inner potential has. And that is not just at His feet, that is in my work, in my creativity, my strengths, my personal passions. He is already proud to call me His, and every day as I grow more, that pride grows. When I falter, He does not "dismiss" me. He holds me, talks to me, MAKES me talk to Him, and guides me towards a healthier way of viewing my current dilemma or conflict. For that and so many other reasons I am so proud of Him, of His brilliance, His passion, His honesty and ethics. How could I not want to improve for someone I respect so much, and for myself?

BDSM/DS/Gor whatever aside, I believe these to be the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. I am in no way perfect, nor do I claim to be in a "perfect" relationship. I base this observation on not just this one but of the two long term relationships I have had, including a marriage, and the dozens of shorter term "dating" situations I have entertained before ending them when something was not clicking, many times this exact dynamic I am talking about. Two months? I don't care if it's two days. If he collared you, he owed you more than what you got. Even if his decision was to end it, he assumed responsibility for you, and no man worthy of the title of "Master" would treat what is theirs so shabbily. Just my .02 anyway, you deserve better, and I hope you have the strength to find it.
xoxo another emotional, sensitive girl

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RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/19/2009 8:32:46 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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FR-

I don't honestly think his identifying as "Gorean" has anything to do with it. You want monogamy, he obviously isn't so sure. If this was discussed before hand, then something was obviously not made clear or was misleading. None of that matters now.

I see that there are basically two types of involvements in this "lifestyle." There are those (which I happily find to be the majority) who want to have an intimate, loving relationship that involves BDSM and then there are those who are just looking for the service sided, BDSM without wanting the "warm fuzzies" of being in love. I am not saying that one is right over the other, and sometimes those loving relationships successfully involve more than just 2 people. In all of them, when they are successful, it is because all the parties involved are looking for the same thing from the involvement. A person who is looking for their soul mate is not going to be happy with the person who is looking for someone to own while they give their love to someone else. Someone who seeks monogamy is not going to be happy in an open relationship, a poly family, or especially in those M/s situations where the "master" does whatever the hell he wants while the slave sits home waiting for any leftover crumbs he might choose to toss her way for scrubbing his floors (Ok, admittedly, I don't see the fufillment in that kind of relationship).

This is real life. YOU have to know what it is that YOU seek and not settle for less than that, regardless of what some master tells you is the "true" way things work. It's obvious from your post that the relationship part of things is at the top of the list for you. So it doesn't matter if you share every BDSM opinion in the world, if he ain't looking for the relationship, you aren't going to change him and you need to walk away.

I'm sorry you are hurting, and yes you fell fast and hard. Be grateful that the relationship WAS as short as it was before it got much worse. No matter what you seek, YOUR happiness and satisfaction with your life has to come first. When you search from that perspective, when the time comes that you do find that "perfect (for you) master," the rest will follow because you found what you are looking for.

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Post #: 29

RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/19/2009 9:56:29 PM

deoiridh

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Joined: 11/18/2009
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I read this post before I went to work and did not have time to reply then because it was getting late. Thanks slaveluci for putting down what I wanted to say you did a much better job than I could have or would have.

I do want to add, and someone already addressed this---we only have 1/2 the story here. The OP stated 'he flirted daily'. What is her defination of flirt? I flirt but in very nonsexual ways. If I had a partner and he was overly insecure of my innocent flirts, I really would have to reevalute things simply because if he were so insecure of our relationship that an innocent flirt was causing jealousy, I'd sort of see it as he didn't trust me or our relationship. Even worse, if I had to reassure him all the time that I did in fact love him. It would just re-enforce in my mind that he did not trust me and a relationship will not survive very long without trust and security.

The OP said that he would tell her to stop being emotional and just deal with it. Yes that does sound harsh, but again it depends on the context. I personally relate to men better than women, therefore most of my friends are male. Some of them I have known for decades. When meeting a potential partner, even in vanilla which is what I now gravitate towards, I'd enquire about this. If a potential partner had a sincere problem with my male friends, I'd know we were not compatible. If he assured me that he had no problems with it only to later bring it to the table, I'd probably say stop being emotional and deal with it. Even if it wasn't discussed prior and later presented, and I stated, you are the only one for me time and again---I'd again say deal with it---and what I would mean by this is---This is who I am, I am not apt to change. You may accept me as I am or leave...you have a choice. The other person 'might' believe that I was testing them if I continued emailing and chatting with others, but I would just be acting like myself. Of course in all honestly, I'd probably not be that blunt, and say deal with it, I'd probably say, "I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is who I am you knew this in the beginning (or you know it now) I am not willing to change. You can either work through your insecurities and trust in me and the relationshipship or you might be better suited with someone who thinks the way you think." Bottom line is we really don't know the flip side here, was this man being an insensitive ass or was he really just being honest saying "Hey this is me, I flirt, I talk to other women and I'm not willing to change." Flirting, having relationships platonic or otherwise with people of the same or opposite sex is not wrong in everyone's eyes.

The OP stated that she bit her tongue, not say anything and causing great anxiety. In my eyes, she caused this herself. One of the most powerful things I learned from being a part of this 'lifestyle' was that I can only control my actions. I use this in my every day life. In this situation, the OP had only a couple choices, bite her tongue or be honest with herself. She felt hurt and caused additional hurt to herself by staying with a person who wasn't on the same page with her. Of course it would have been painful to leave someone she had an attachment with, but she was hurting by staying with him too. Leaving would have just ended the hurt a whole lot sooner.

The munch---isn't a munch a social function? I would personally expect myself and my partner to go, and socialize. If we are going to any social function simply to hang out with each other, hell we should have saved the gas and stayed home. Netflicks are way cheaper and I don't have to dress up. In this man's defense he was honest, he did not have to even tell that he got this girl's email address nor did he have to tell he was speaking to her on IM. Perhaps he was trying to hurt the OP but maybe he really felt he was doing nothing wrong and told. I could honestly see myself saying a few days later, "Oh btw remember that person I was talking to well I got his/her email address because I thought he/she was really interesting and someone I thought we could get to know better and hang out with."

I don't see that talking to another person on IM while talking to me is rude. If I am speaking verbally, yes unless of course I am told, "Excuse me just a moment..."

I agree that the breakup probably should have been a face to face BUT if I knew I were going to deal with a great deal of drama, I probably would have taken the easy way out and emailed. As a matter of fact, in the most recent issue of Cosmo, it was suggested that at times, breaking up by email is a better options. (Maybe he read it!) It obvious that he felt it was time to dissolve the relationship and perhaps it's a good thing.

I agree with the fact that 'I love you's" are often thrown out pretty carelessly. It's not rare, nor is the velcro collar. It's a fact, it happens, and more than likely it probably won't change.

To the OP, take it as a lesson, in any relationship take time to learn about a person. Be honest with yourself first. If a partner flirts and it bothers you DON'T bite your tongue. Tell them up front. It's better to find one who values the same things you do and it's better to find it out right away than to wait until an attachment has developed.

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Post #: 30

RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/20/2009 1:58:47 AM

allyC

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Hello to all :)Hi promise I offer this.. If you come beneath the hand, tutelage, care, and authority of another and they know where your insecurities lie - their poking at those insecurities with a stick on a regular basis is only going to compound things and make them worse. That isn't to say that the man should walk on eggshells, however, intentionally "testing" someone by prodding their raw spots regularly is counter-productive and in my opinion, somewhat cruel. Jealousy is a real, natural, genuine, and very primal part of the human being. We cannot stamp it out or make it go away. It is not "right" or "wrong." It simply "is." It will exist and vary depending on how secure one feels and the nature of their relationship. Jealousy can be managed and this is done by communication, understanding, and to some degree, sensitivity on both sides of the fence. Again no eggshell walking but flaunting things that trigger emotions like that are (in my opinion) assinine if you are looking to orchestrate a balanced and healthy relationship. Also, squishing down your feelings and hiding them "to be pleasing" is one of the fastest ways to relationship ruin from what I have observed. Also, I do not believe there is ever a need to beg forgiveness for being jealous but I do believe that there is often a need to beg forgiveness for how we reacted and behaved due to that jealousy. Nobody bats a thousand and there are times when people do things inadvertantly that poke at our insecurities. To do so intentionally in my opinion shows little more than childish behavior. I wish you the best for you future and I hope that in the coming years, you can look within yourself to find a greater sense of security and that whomever you share your journey with, works with you to help build it rather than to tear it down. Cav's ally

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Post #: 31

RE: Hi, i just need a shoulder... - 11/23/2009 10:31:37 PM

corsetgirl

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Before you got involved with your Gorean ex-dom, was there any discussion that he also wanted to play with others or have you with another female sub?

I don't know much about the Gor life; however, I think the main focus for the dom would be in taking the time to spend it with the sub before establishing any other outside relationships.

Then again, maybe you and he were a mismatch, which might be a blessing for you.

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Post #: 32