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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 10:27:38 AM   
submittous


Posts: 345
Joined: 6/12/2004
Status: offline 		The underlying dynamic of M/s and bdsm in general is not really sexual for me... the power dynamic is. However I ALWAYS am aroused by bdsm interaction, from simple D/s interaction to SM. So, in that sense bdsm is sexual even if sex isn't the main drive for me.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 10:31:27 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Very sexual for us. And I usually get to orgasm several times during. He usually starts with an erection but that disappears while he's focusing on tying me, and focusing on me, but once he doesn't need to keep his focus on that he's doing, it's back and he's ready.

I can see doing public play if you knew you would end the evening with sex but not if that urge isn't ever going to be satisfied. Since we're two hours away from a public space, we won't do it. One, having to drive four hours to spend two or three is too much for us, too tiring. And also by the time we got home we'd be too tired to have good sex. I suppose I could give him a bj in the car while parked, but then he'd be tired and sated and still have two more hours to drive.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 10:32:26 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		For me, sex.. or sexual is something that creates a reaction in the genitals.
As a top, I never have that reaction, topping only makes me want to do other physically challenging things, and sex is not one of them.
As a bottom, sub, maso, playing makes me wet. It makes my hips start to wiggle and my juices start to flow, my cunt pulses waiting for something to fill it, which coincidentally is also satisfied when my mouth or other oriffices are used.
When I bottom I will either be turned on, or bored stiff. There is no other reaction. I don't feel like going out and pumping iron after I bottom, unless I have access to some very unusual toys.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Missokyst,
 
not sure what exactly your definition of "sex" is, but BDSM is very sexual for us...for that reason, Master will not casually engage in BDSM, because He isn't into casual sex.

quote:

...What is your motivation for this stuff we do?...


it satisfies the submissive masochist that is this slave and pleases the sadistic dominant that Masters her very much.  it's a win-win.


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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 10:32:41 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		To each, his or her own!!!  BDSM is not sexual for us at all.  Our sensual play is not foreplay to sex.  We do many mini scenes during each day that last a minute or two.  If we had to have sex each and every time we'd be like bunnies.  In fact we seldom have sex after longer play as we're both too tired.  However, I can easily see how it would be sexual for many. 

We do it because it's just so damn much fun. 

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 10:40:57 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Is BDSM sexual?

It is if I'm involved; fully disclosed, along with my no limits, no safe-word requirement, before initiating involvement with anybody. We're having sexual intercourse, which may or may not include sexual intimacy and physical contact with biologically referenced primary sex organs. My primary sex organ, my brain, is having sex while its determining which clamp to where, or which paddle, whip, crop, flogger, or hand, to use on an ass.

"Trust me!" is a statement requiring an exclamation point not a question mark.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 10:51:32 AM   
afterforever


Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline 		Definitely sexual for me. My views pretty much match Missokyst's, bottoming gets me wet and so far has almost always involved or been followed by sex. Which is why I haven't done casual play yet, because I don't do casual sex, but I'm thinking about it because it's a way to meet potential partners. I'll just have to go home and take care of myself later. I get turned on by both the S&M and the D/s aspects, although sadly sexy times did not ensue every time he asked me to do the dishes...

Topping doesn't do it for me sexually or just as a power rush thing, it makes me cry. I'm a wimp.


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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 11:35:09 AM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		For us, it is also 100% sexual; I know that other people we see at clubs play non-sexually, but really, I watch and think- whats the point?

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 11:44:52 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I am really hoping for a few good answers. So far from the tops I can see their reactions seem to be much the same as my own, energy, power, rush. I can relate because I have felt that.
As a bottom, sub, maso, what ever the label is.. for me the reaction is to be turned on, or to be bored. I get none of that energy, power, rush thing that happens when I top. And topping is never sexual for me though I can see how it might be if I was involved with my partner more intimately than in a casual setting.

And yeah AR.. in my earlier days of going to parties my first thoughts were, no sex? whats the point? But I recognise that it is my headspace is what puts a sexual component into BDSM. So if not sex or sensuality, what is it that keeps people bottoming?



< Message edited by Missokyst -- 11/17/2009 11:45:09 AM >

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 11:50:14 AM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

BDSM is 100% sexual for us. That's probably the main reason why we can't grasp the concept of public play.



Hmmm... very interesting.  Kudos for that possible connection.... between sexuality/intimacy and lack of interest in public play.



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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 11:55:18 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
In My way of thinking, the fact that I can understand why I do play with others should lead to the acceptance of those who don't.  It's a choice that we're each making that is right for us.  The fact that we're not making the same choice as the other doesn't have any bearing. 


And this folks is why Lady P is one of the smartest posters around.

Every few years I make the mistake of answering a Ask the Switch question of why us one orientation types won't play with a switch. My response is always that they will need after a few years to let the other side out and as I'm monogamous and sub only, I won't be able to do that for them.

Invariably I get a response of "I can be dom only for a few years and then I'll just play with others. How dare you refuse to let your partner go outside the relationship!".

They never understand that just like they have every right to do what's right for them, I have every right to do what's right for me. And for me, a monogamous, no outside sex, no outside play relationship, no switching of power is what's right for me.

I have never negated anyone else's choices, but always get attacked for not being willing to do what doesn't work for me. Same kind of stuff I've gotten from couples, how dare I not turn bisexual and poly. It's not like dying my hair, it aint gonna happen.


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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 12:25:34 PM   
JudasButcher


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/5/2007
Status: offline 		As the same with many others, it's almost always sexual for us. There are times when the Master role pops out, and she sleeps in a full-body harness or is shackled in the kitchen, but for the most part it always winds up with having sex. A large majority of time is spent on forced multiple orgasm, penetration with dildo's on stands, etc, so that rules out any public play. For us it's just too personal, and besides, the public places wouldn't allow it.

A few years ago,we attended a large 3 day event with a 2500 sq foot open dungeon, we thought it would be fun. I watched while people swatted canes and floggers to the beat of a techno dance song while their sub danced with their wrists bound. I watched someone be nude, wrapped with plastic wrap and poked with a wooden skewer. I saw someone spend an hour tying someone in a rope harness, hook them to a suspension rig, and lift them six inches off the ground. (human hammock in her subzone? I say she was napping) While some of it was interesting to watch and pick up a technique or 2, to me it seemed rather funny and pointless. Tie-swat-untie-lets go eat....

But....we recently joined a local group and attended the dinner and demo. Next time we plan to stick around for the playparty, watch, and talk to some people. Maybe by doing so, I can understand their point a bit more. While we never plan to "play" in public, I do want to see someone else's side of it.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 1:05:25 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...For me, sex.. or sexual is something that creates a reaction in the genitals...


well, then, by your definition, BDSM is most definitely sexual for this slave...and by the same parameters, so is:
being awake
riding in a car
watching other's fuck, in person
sitting at a slot machine in a public casino
walking down the street
and a whole bunch of other activites that have occurred at the same time as a "reaction" occurs in this slave's genitals.

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 1:07:18 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		LOL that would make my life most difficult!

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 1:11:21 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
quote:

...For me, sex.. or sexual is something that creates a reaction in the genitals...

well, then, by your definition, BDSM is most definitely sexual for this slave...and by the same parameters, so is:
being awake
riding in a car
watching other's fuck, in person
sitting at a slot machine in a public casino
walking down the street
and a whole bunch of other activites that have occurred at the same time as a "reaction" occurs in this slave's genitals.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

LOL that would make my life most difficult!


From my vantage point it makes life MAGICAL & WONDERFUL! ~ Merc

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 1:15:20 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

LOL that would make my life most difficult!



after some extremely frustrating experiences over the years and then meeting an absolutely fabulous man (Master), this slave has learned skills and been given avenues to deal with it...most importantly, NOT to take to heart ANY generalizations about what should or shouldn't be an appropriate sexual response from a female.

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 1:16:41 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

For us, it is also 100% sexual; I know that other people we see at clubs play non-sexually, but really, I watch and think- whats the point?



The point is that we're having a hell of a lot of fun!!!  Sex is not the only fun in this world.  He enjoys being a sadist and I enjoy being his masochist.  It's fantastic to look into his eyes and know he has something up his sleeve that he hasn't told me about yet.  He also loves it when he looks into my eyes while I'm laughing and having a great time.  It drives him to be an even better sadist. 

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 1:27:56 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

For us, it is also 100% sexual; I know that other people we see at clubs play non-sexually, but really, I watch and think- whats the point?



The point is that we're having a hell of a lot of fun!!!  Sex is not the only fun in this world.  He enjoys being a sadist and I enjoy being his masochist.  It's fantastic to look into his eyes and know he has something up his sleeve that he hasn't told me about yet.  He also loves it when he looks into my eyes while I'm laughing and having a great time.  It drives him to be an even better sadist. 


I definitely understand this from the other side.

Plus, I think it's important here to note the difference between a male top and a female top.  I don't have the same issue with My 'erection' going away because of a drive back, a snack, or even a nap.  If I'm wet and am already stimulated (through non genital contact) I'm going to stay that way.  It's not like I'm going to dry out or something.  LOL.

Also, you have to consider that, as a female top, I can and have had orgasms during play.  It just makes the second and consecutive ones all the better.  Anticipation can be a good thing!

Sorry it doesn't work for you male tops out there that way.  Shoots the hell out of that whole 'penis envy' theory!

Finally, thank you, Des.  Your comment was very kind.


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 1:29:52 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

BDSM makes me wet. What about you?


Sometimes. Sometimes it pisses me off, makes me cry or laugh, sometimes it just hurts and sometimes it hurts so good. It all depends on energy, mood, location, partner, health and a bunch of other stuff. Sometimes it's everything and sometimes it just one of those things.

quote:

Is BDSM sexual?


::laughs:: Sometimes!

quote:

If not, how do you view
BDSM?


Mostly as an activity, sometimes as a catharsis, sometimes it's a prelude to sex. I use it for whatever suits the purpose at the time. Mostly, it's pure entertainment.

quote:

Is it relief?


How many times am I allowed to use sometimes in a single post? ::grins::

quote:

Is is power?


For me, first and foremost!

quote:

What is your motivation for this stuff we
do?


I like it, I want it, I thrive on it, it's fun, exciting, exacting and spontaneous, gets me foggy and clears my head at the same time. It lets me create from the top and be the canvas on the bottom. Pretty much, I just think the whole thing rocks and I like rocking out. :)



< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 11/17/2009 1:30:30 PM >

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 1:36:36 PM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		BDSM play IS sex for me, sometimes to the extent that at the end of playing, I'm satisfied sexually too. It doesn't have to do with orgasms, but the utter sensory exhaustion can be enough. Not that I would turn down more in the form of sex, but I don't necessarily crave it.
The places I go during good sex and the places I go during good play are remarkably intertwined.


< Message edited by mbes -- 11/17/2009 1:37:17 PM >

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RE: BDSM, sexual or not? - 11/17/2009 2:46:41 PM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Groovy, this is what I wanted to see. I am trying to grasp the concept that people might not get hard or wet from doing this as this seems to be the frame of reference in my local group when I mentioned how difficult it is to watch play, but not want sex later.

From your POV, when you play without sexual arousal, what is the tradeoff? Why are you playing? What sort of response do you get?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear

Depending on who I am playing with and if the playing is with an intimate partner or a friend determines if the the nature if the play is sexual or not. BDSM can be either sexual in nature or not for me. Being a gay male, obviously kink play with a female dominant will never be sexual from my side and with with a gay male dominant; that depends if there's a mutual sexual attraction in the first place. 




The trade off as I see it is I get to explore in seeing where my upper limits are especially when it comes to pain, also there are many things which I am curious to explore and experience and I need to do so to honestly and accurately state to a potential dominant partner what I di enjoy and what I don't. This I feel is important as my play experience is quite limited and feel a need to have experience under my belt so to speak.

For the female dominant I do play with non sexually, they are able to have an opportunity to play and not have to worry that the sexual aspect may rear it's head when they are solely seeking non sexual BDSM play. The female dominants I have played with, they know they do not have to worry that I will start making unwanted sexual advances on them and they personally enjoy the energy exchange when they play with a gay male. They just want to play simply for the sake of playing. I mean, one of the main complaints of many female dominants, at least from what I've heard, is they are turned off by submissive men who use BDSM play as a guise for sex. For someone like me, that is a non issue....period.


_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to Missokyst)
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