BDSM, sexual or not?

BDSM, sexual or not? (Full Version)

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Missokyst -> BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 8:36:11 AM)
I have engaged in some sort of BDSM play for most of my life. What was left of my mangled virginity was taken with my arms secured above my head and my body pinned into a tight spot. Since then I have been spanked, paddled, pinched, prodded, and in general been manipulated by sensations designed to arouse me to the point where logical thought is difficult at best. Added to this is my ability to feel what others feel. I lean toward an empathic direction. When I see people screaming, moaning, pleading, it triggers a similar response that I might have if that were me. This is not just sensual response. I have felt a similar reaction when I saw someone was being attacked and my reaction was to kick someones butt. Watching is more intense than listening, though listening seems to be easier to endure in terms of needing some sort of sexual release later. I know a lot of people can be played with, beaten, strung up and walk away to cook dinner, but in my experience, FOR ME.. it makes me wet. That is why I need to have a social area available at parties, so I can duck out on seeing that which is immediate and just enjoy the sounds that I can draw energy from for a later time. So for me, BDSM is sexual. D/s which is so often classified as part of the chain is also sexual because I respond to control. But D/s is more relationship stuff, less reliant on physical sensation and for that reason I can enjoy D/s without the craving for cock. That said, I have played and yet I have not had sex. If BDSM is sex for me how can I have denied that craving? One reason, I don't engage in casual sex. I set limits. Spank me. Flog me. Pinch me.. don't touch the girly bits and I can go home and take care of the rest. This requires that I know what sort of privacy I might have when I get back to my place. Since I have family I have to know who is going to work, what time people have to grab a ride, ect. My life is directed by how much responsibility life has tossed my way. This was less of a concern when I was dating the x, because there was always an opportunity for sex. Now that I am partnerless I have to "fit in" times for self sex. If I lived alone or had a mate then such things would be less of an issue. BDSM makes me wet. What about you? Is BDSM sexual? If not, how do you view BDSM? Is it relief? Is is power? What is your motivation for this stuff we do?

Aileen1968 -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 8:47:37 AM)
BDSM is 100% sexual for us. That's probably the main reason why we can't grasp the concept of public play. The power exchange and control is like continual foreplay and the physical aspects (i.e. hitting, bondage, etc) are equivalent to heavy petting and always ends in sex of some form. I can't imagine this not being sexual.

LadyPact -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:06:38 AM)
From the angle I think I'm getting from you, I see a lot of Myself in this from the top side. I do engage in casual play, but not casual sex, so I very much understand the position that you are coming from. Try as I might, I think it is beyond some that just because something is sexual, can create a sexual response, doesn't necessarily mean that a physical sexual act is going to occur. S/m does do a lovely dance with sexuality. As a sadist, I'm going to be aroused by it. Only on a very rare occasion am I not going to have that reaction. Hurting people turns Me on. Just the fact that I'm inflicting pain does so. That same response happens whether I am playing with males or females, even though I have no sexual interest in females whatsoever. Power is another turn on entirely. I'm also stimulated by power even when I haven't touched another person. Having control over them is an aphrodisiac. Knowing that I can bend them to My will and that they will obey is stimulating. Even something as simple as him kneeling when told and submitting to My wishes can do the same. I think it is the combination of the two that makes play more intense with My own boy than with casual partners. The power as well as the S/m.

Missokyst -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:08:19 AM)
Yeah, I can relate to the public play thing for the most part. In the last few years I have relaxed that stance because parties are a good place to meet fellow kinksters. And more recently I have allowed some play, but only without the genital stimulation because that would just drive me nuts. BDSM is sex, foreplay, or at the bare minimum, really great porn I can use later! lol

Wolf2Bear -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:12:26 AM)
Depending on who I am playing with and if the playing is with an intimate partner or a friend determines if the the nature if the play is sexual or not. BDSM can be either sexual in nature or not for me. Being a gay male, obviously kink play with a female dominant will never be sexual from my side and with with a gay male dominant; that depends if there's a mutual sexual attraction in the first place.

Missokyst -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:19:22 AM)
Groovy, this is what I wanted to see. I am trying to grasp the concept that people might not get hard or wet from doing this as this seems to be the frame of reference in my local group when I mentioned how difficult it is to watch play, but not want sex later. From your POV, when you play without sexual arousal, what is the tradeoff? Why are you playing? What sort of response do you get? quote: ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear Depending on who I am playing with and if the playing is with an intimate partner or a friend determines if the the nature if the play is sexual or not. BDSM can be either sexual in nature or not for me. Being a gay male, obviously kink play with a female dominant will never be sexual from my side and with with a gay male dominant; that depends if there's a mutual sexual attraction in the first place.

Missokyst -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:24:19 AM)
In my area locally, they seem to have the opposite reaction. It is not sexaul, or even sexually arousing from what I gather. I am just not quite sure what it would be if it was not sensual. And yeah, I do agree that simply because it is sensual for me does not necessarily mean sex will be the end result between us. Though more than likely it will lead to some self affection, or the natural rush that desires gives me, later. quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I think it is beyond some that just because something is sexual, can create a sexual response, doesn't necessarily mean that a physical sexual act is going to occur.

Aileen1968 -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:25:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Try as I might, I think it is beyond some that just because something is sexual, can create a sexual response, doesn't necessarily mean that a physical sexual act is going to occur. Try as I might, I find it funny that some can't also see that some of us view this as extremely intimate and only participate in it with people that we have sex with.

AlexandraLynch -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:44:44 AM)
It's not usually a matter of me getting wet when I do BDSM, unless I'm going to do sexual play during it with the intent of me getting off. (I have certain kinks that do get me wet.) It is a huge power trip, and absolutely intoxicatingly good. Does it lie next to my sexual response? Yes, because on the occasions I've had the opportunity to have sex after doing non-sexual BDSM play, I refuse with the answer I'd have for food thirty minutes after dinner; "No thanks, I'm already full." So it's linked enough to satisfy my overall drive, but not enough to actually get me off usually. Now I wouldn't want to substitute out BDSM for actual sexual intercourse all the time, but part-time it's close enough to work. Of course, it should be said that I don't view myself as a sadist, and am much more interested in the D/s than anything else. Everyone's mileage will most likely vary on this.

Missokyst -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:45:05 AM)
Since there are far more people doing this privately than those doing it publically your view is probably the norm. However, and correct me if I am wrong here LadyPact, I believe she referring only to those who do, do this in public. People who don't attend parties often believe that sex is part of the deal.. and by that I mean penetrative sex. Thus far in viewing the public scene, I have not seen anyone who sticks tab A into slot B. quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Try as I might, I think it is beyond some that just because something is sexual, can create a sexual response, doesn't necessarily mean that a physical sexual act is going to occur. Try as I might, I find it funny that some can't also see that some of us view this as extremely intimate and only participate in it with people that we have sex with.

LadyPact -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:47:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Try as I might, I think it is beyond some that just because something is sexual, can create a sexual response, doesn't necessarily mean that a physical sexual act is going to occur. Try as I might, I find it funny that some can't also see that some of us view this as extremely intimate and only participate in it with people that we have sex with. Not to derail the thread in any way, but I think that goes back to the attitudes of individuals. In My way of thinking, the fact that I can understand why I do play with others should lead to the acceptance of those who don't. It's a choice that we're each making that is right for us. The fact that we're not making the same choice as the other doesn't have any bearing. I see it much the same way as I do concerning My choice of poly. If I ask that people accept that about Me, in turn, I have to accept those who prefer monogamy. Let Me add here that I happen to think that I am in the minority when it comes to both of these subjects. I tend to think there are fewer casual players than committed players and more people who prefer monogamy than poly. If this is true, there should be even less opposition from those of us who really are in the minority. ETA in response to Mist's comment However, and correct me if I am wrong here LadyPact, I believe she referring only to those who do, do this in public. I am commenting on the public play/casual play side of things.

daintydimples -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:49:31 AM)
Interesting question. My bottom side is very sexually submissive. I am only submissive within the context of a sexual or romantic relationship. I am incapable of "playing" sub like at a play party. I have only ever been exhibited in public by my ex husband and first (and really only) master.My bottom side leans far more heavily to D/s than to S&M. My top side is exactly the opposite. I can be sexually dominant on the rare occasion, if I'm in a mood, but that does not happen often. With a male submissive my interests center around sadism and control. The control is a huge power rush to me, it is usually not a sexual rush, unless I am very close to the person I am playing with. I enjoy inflicting pain, just b/c I do. It's not sexual to me, I just like it. I have played with numerous male submissives on an individual play session basis and enjoyed it as long as I got a response (And yes, I did talk to them first, shesh). I admit that the above holds true for my relationships with males, which is my primary gender preference. With females again it's different. I could never enjoy a female dominating me and frankly she should be prepared to kill me. In my sexual relationships with females, although I may be the dominant partner, I am much less interested in hurting her or controlling her, and much more interested in having sex. The exception to this is when I am co-domming. I do like to co-dom, but not with everyone. I tend to be rather picky about my partners. Hopes that was confusing enough, but I am very dual natured.

breatheasone -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:50:14 AM)
Yes to me it is sexual, even if no "sex" happens

Aileen1968 -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 9:52:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Try as I might, I think it is beyond some that just because something is sexual, can create a sexual response, doesn't necessarily mean that a physical sexual act is going to occur. Try as I might, I find it funny that some can't also see that some of us view this as extremely intimate and only participate in it with people that we have sex with. Not to derail the thread in any way, but I think that goes back to the attitudes of individuals. In My way of thinking, the fact that I can understand why I do play with others should lead to the acceptance of those who don't. It's a choice that we're each making that is right for us. The fact that we're not making the same choice as the other doesn't have any bearing. I see it much the same way as I do concerning My choice of poly. If I ask that people accept that about Me, in turn, I have to accept those who prefer monogamy. Let Me add here that I happen to think that I am in the minority when it comes to both of these subjects. I tend to think there are fewer casual players than committed players and more people who prefer monogamy than poly. If this is true, there should be even less opposition from those of us who really are in the minority. I'm a huge fan of people doing what makes them happy. My apologies if I misinterpretted your line that I quoted as being condescending.

LPslittleclip -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 10:02:16 AM)
for me as a masso sub i enjoy the play and the rush of getting to space. the thrill of sex after is a great rush as well but not tied to bdsm. it can be very sensual and erotic like wax play or viceral like flogging and the like. i can play and not have sex after and be happy with it so with my Mistress in private yes bdsm is erotic but public play is just play.

GreedyTop -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 10:05:31 AM)
hi clip!! hugs When I bottom, it depends on the top (as Bear said) When I top, it is totally about the play... while I get an amazing rush from it, it isnt sexual.

LadyPact -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 10:10:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aileen1968 I'm a huge fan of people doing what makes them happy. My apologies if I misinterpretted your line that I quoted as being condescending. I actually hadn't taken it that way at all. LOL. Casual play doesn't make some people happy. If it doesn't, I think they should do what is right for them. What happens sometimes is you'll get those folks who are interested in casual play trying to convince those who aren't into it that they should be. From My standpoint, this is the wrong approach. I suppose I see it much like the topic at hand where physical sex isn't necessarily a part of it for everyone for every scene. Some situations work for some out there when others don't. For those who play only with those they are sexually intimate with, I prefer to be supportive of that. I think it's a beautiful thing when I come across people who don't want to share that connection with others.

Missokyst -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 10:11:25 AM)
I believe it is my life experience that ties sensuality and bdsm together as a masochist. I have topped, and get no sexual response from it at all. When topping it is totally about energy, rush, power, and seeing someones reactions to my skill. I never want to have sex after topping, but I do feel like doing something physically demanding. If I am bottoming, I am turned on unless I am bored stiff. When you bottom, what other reaction might you get from it?

Mercnbeth -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 10:12:02 AM)
Missokyst, not sure what exactly your definition of "sex" is, but BDSM is very sexual for us...for that reason, Master will not casually engage in BDSM, because He isn't into casual sex. quote: ...What is your motivation for this stuff we do?... it satisfies the submissive masochist that is this slave and pleases the sadistic dominant that Masters her very much. it's a win-win.[:)]

GreedyTop -> RE: BDSM, sexual or not? (11/17/2009 10:14:06 AM)
quote: If I am bottoming, I am turned on unless I am bored stiff. this I agree with.

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