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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 8:22:01 PM

AnimusRex

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I am so sorry; I lost my mother years ago, and remember how it was to bear.

Kim and I will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 8:55:46 PM

dreamerdreaming

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I don't believe in god, or a higher power except the forces of nature and the universe. So I'm not going to tell you a bunch of flowery crap designed to make you feel better by believing that she's going to continue on in some new life, somewhere. Life's brevity, and the finite nature of it, are part of what makes it so precious. Dote on her in these final hours, and be glad of the chance. Many do not have as much.

The two of you have your great love for one another. This, and your memories, are what will live on, of her. The essence of her- the memory of her, and of her love for you- those will live on, in your heart. Cherish them, and pass them down to your children. Give her, and give yourself, to them, like the way she gave herself to you.

Above all, remember that while she still lives and breathes, she is still here for you. She may not be conscious, but she'll still feel and hear you, on some level. Hold her hand. Stroke her hair. Sing her favorite songs to her. Tell her the stories you remember, of your youths. Talk about the things you both loved, and what made you laugh. Talk about what she did right, and how much it helped you. Thank her. Forgive her, her mistakes. Whisper all this and more, in her ear. Then when it feels right, tell her its alright, and you can take it from here. Tell her its okay, and she can go when she's ready. Tell her you'll be right here with her, holding her hand. Kiss her, and tell her you love her. Always have, and always will.

*runs to go call Mom*

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 9:22:46 PM

Lockit

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I just saw this Lushy. Words fail me, but I am thinking of you both and wishing for you a time just like I had with my mother before she died. Where we had moments together that I will never forget.

I am so sorry for your pain and hope your mother will be as comfortable as you all can make her. (gentle hugs)

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/18/2009 9:34:41 PM

NuevaVida

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Hey there,

I helped my mom take care of my dad as he died of bone cancer. It was the most painful yet most beautiful experience of my life. There is incredible intimacy between a parent and child when it's the parent doing the caretaking. Your mom is extremely vulnerable to you, and undoubtedly can not find words to express her love and gratitude to you. Her acceptance of your care is a gift to you - cherish this. Spending her last days with her will be something you will never look back on with regret; in fact, you will hold these days closest to your heart. They are filled with all the emotions you can ever experience. I have a sister who wanted no part of my dad's death, and who kept her distance. She missed out on so much, and she doesn't even know it.

You will never stop missing her. But missing her will be wrapped in these incredible moments you are sharing with her. Writing this brings tears to my own eyes, remembering the bond between my dad and I, which existed prior to his illness, but strengthened throughout it.

I sat by my dad's bed the night before he died. He was drifting in and out of consciousness. At one point he opened his eyes with a big smile on his face, and exclaimed, "It's so peaceful now". I hugged him and kissed him goodnight, and I went home, and the next morning when my mom called to tell me he had died, I threw my hands in the air and laughed, saying "Good for you, Dad!!!" and then I burst into tears.

Leave nothing unsaid. Spend as much time with her as you can. It will be the biggest gift you give each other.

My thoughts are with you, lushy.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/19/2009 2:44:40 AM

wandersalone

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Lushy you know you and your family are in my thoughts and have been since you shared the diagnosis with us.

I have been privileged to be a part of some beautiful deaths in my volunteer work with children and adults. One of my most treasured moments was being able to stroke someone's forehead when his elderly mum left the room to compose herself and to let him know that it was ok to let go and that we would look after her. With some of the children what touched me the most was their fears for their parents and siblings rather than any fear of death itself. I have a box stored away some scraggly drawings that some of these kids drew for me and even though they may have died decades ago, they are still in my heart.

This poem was printed in the funeral pamphlet for my brother....it was a hard lesson for me but very important. Your mum will once more be the vibrant carefree woman she was up until a short time ago.

my love to you

MISS ME, BUT LET ME GO.

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set me free,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
Why cry for a soul that is free?

Miss me a little, but not too long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared;
Miss me, but let me go.

For this journey that we all must take
And each must go alone,
It's all part of natures plan...
A step on the road home.

When you are lonely and sick at heart,
Go to the hills we both know.
And bury your sorrows amongst the trees;
Miss me, but let me go.

(author unknown)

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/19/2009 3:20:44 AM

Level

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Hey pretty lady.

I always say, that the pain will eventually subside, and all the love, and good memories, will remain with you. And, I do also believe, that your mom will be in a safe and peaceful place.

Been a lot of death, in my life. My dad died a month after my 15th birthday, my oldest brother a year later. The two best friends I've had, are both gone, one from AIDS, one from drugs. Every time it happens, it sucks the life out of me, but that goes away, and the good remains. So, cry as much as you need, as long as you need, and know that it's okay.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/19/2009 4:20:54 AM

elanofthelight

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Hi lusciouslips,

In Aug of this year, I held my grandma in my arms as she passed. It was a moving and indescribable experience.

Holly mentioned Elisabeth Kubler Ross. You asked for words of spirituality, get Elisabeth’s books as fast as you can. When my grandma was passing, she was never one to ask for help she just did things. But it tore everyone’s heart out when she began to chant “help me.” No one knew what to say or how to help her. But with me reading her books and studying them for awhile now I was able to step in when others could not.

I took the first shift when she became bed ridden, she began the roll of her head side to side and the chant began. I was able to talk to her, and use a lot of Elisabeth’s words. While I feel it helped grandma because her chanting stopped, I felt she was listening, but mostly it helped me. I was able to be with her in the end, I was able to face what needed to be done and was so honored and humbled to do so.

I felt when her spirit left her. Her body took a bit longer.

A few hours later, the home health worker was called to be told of grandmas passing, when she gathered the family together, she spoke from “On Grief and Grieving” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I smiled the whole time I listened to her speak recognizing the words and the comfort it was bring to the rest of my family, and it was cute seeing everyone look at me because they were hearing the words for the second time.

My best advice for you right now is to listen to her, if she is able to speak. “Listen to the dying. They will be able to tell you everything you need to know about when they are dying. And it is easy to miss.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.. .

Do not dismiss it or attempt to tell her no, she knows, and you know. There is also a certain smell. I worked in a nursing home and with my grandma she had the smell two weeks before she passed. She was still walking then, she declined very fast. It was literally walking one day, wheel chair a few days, bed ridden one. Then let go.

This is your mom, you know her best, her beliefs. Her fears? Her hopes for her family. With my grandma I kept telling her a few members of the family seemed to be a mess, but that was ok, they would be ok. No matter the outcome. It was their choice. I kept asking her if she saw grandpa, and it was ok to let go and go be with him. I also spoke of her other relatives and friends that had gone before her. That we would all be ok, we had her words and teaching etched into our very beings. It was her love that was woven into the fabric of our existence. So talk to her if she can’t. Reinforce her beliefs. Talk to her so she can hear your voice. This is the best advice I can give you, my thoughts will be with you in this time of loss.

Wishing you the best, Elan

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/19/2009 5:49:15 AM

MistressOfGa

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Lush,
I wish I had the right words to help you, but losing my own mother I found that no one really had the right thing to say to me at that time. So I will just say call me if you need to talk. You know I am here for you, anytime, day or night. *Hugs*

MoGa

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/19/2009 6:34:57 AM

maybemaybenot

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Luciouslips:

I will pray for a peaceful death for your Mother and for strength and comfort for you and your family.

You are doing God's work in caring for and being with your Mother as she takes this final journey from this life. It is a gift your Mother instilled in you all these years. There is nothing harder than feeling helpless and weak at this time. but know in your heart, you are doing something that takes amazing strength and love. And that strength and love comes from your Mother, a gift she gave to you and now you are giving back to her. These last days or weeks will be ones you will look back on one day and smile. Having been through this I am certain my Father knew,as he was dying, that everything he invested in me throughout my life was at that time being given back to him freely and with all the love he had given me throughout my life. I find great comfort in knowing that the gift I gave him was actually a gift he had been giving me all my life. His love, just as your mother's love, was not dying with him, it was just going to have to be felt and found in a different place.
Cherish these moments, luciouslips, they complete our earthly circle of life and one day you will draw your strength from this. This is the final earthly gift she gives you in her last days: A will and strength you didn't even know you had. The hardest and easiest thing I have ever had to do is love someone enough to let them go.

My thoughts and prayers for you, your Mother and family.

mbmbn

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/19/2009 5:21:00 PM

ShoreBound149

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Both parents gone here......no words of wisdom......laughing does help...

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/19/2009 8:04:11 PM

LookieNoNookie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I have been thinking about this subject quite a bit. My mother is failing rapidly from A.L.S. Last week the nurses said 2 weeks to a month. It could be much sooner. She is haveing spells of not being able to breathe. She is being medicated with morphine.

Any comforting words on spirituality would be most welcomed.

Wow....no....but here's some love :)

---------------------> :)

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/20/2009 8:06:57 PM

Kirata

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Ave Maria

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/20/2009 8:20:56 PM

GoddessImaginos

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See, this is what happens when I don't check the boards for two days. Oy!
Dearest darling lady whom I am happy to know.. all of these nice people have rendered so much rich and beauteous wisdom to you already, that I cannot even with My Muse upon Me hope to touch it. I can only match the love and understanding that has been shared.
I lost My mother almost five years ago.. after a year of not being on speaking terms, without having made the chance to say "it's ok, we're only human, I know you did your best" or "I'm sorry" or even one last "I love you". I am just now beginning to forgive Myself for that.
You are blessed, and your CM tribe loves you very much. I too am here if you need Me.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/20/2009 8:43:21 PM

lucylucy

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Losing a mother sucks. Whether it’s “best” for her or expected or whatever . . . it just plain sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I wish I had words of wisdom, but all I have are sympathy and condolences.

I guess I have a bit of advice, too. Be patient with yourself during all this. You’ll behave and think in ways you wish you wouldn’t sometimes. Allow yourself to do that and don’t be too hard on yourself.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/20/2009 8:57:04 PM

girlygurl

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Lushy,
On the 27th of this month it will be a year since my father passed. What I can share with you is those last few months with him were truly a blessing. Yes, many times it was sad and heartbreaking to watch him in pain, but we took advantage of our time and loved on each other soooo much! Hospice came in and helped us. We made sure that Dad was as comfortable as possible, which did require morphine. There were times when Dad wanted to talk and I always made sure I was there to listen, laugh, and cry with him.

My one suggestion to you is spend time with your Mother. There doesn't have to be talking, just be with her. Love her and allow yourself to be loved by her.

I can't tell you how or what you will feel, but I can tell you, that I feel like I was given a precious gift. Those last few months with Dad I watched him yell, cry, get angry, laugh, dance around the living room, get up at 4:00am to cook my son his famous breakfast gravy.... all while he was dying.

When the time came for him to cross over, I was laying beside him. I prayed, I caressed him, I continued to tell him I loved him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. I feel him in my heart. I have joy when I speak of him not sorrow.

I hold you up during this difficult time. If I can be of any further help, please let me know.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/20/2009 8:59:31 PM

peachgirl

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a bit of irony here - my father passed away a year ago today -

anyway, by the time he passed away he was truly so miserable, there was nothing to do but pray for grace and peace. he was in a hospice facility, and just the fact that his last days were spent in whatever physical comfort there was available helped ease my mind.

my faith gives me access to belief in an afterlife; my life experience substantiates it. I think that humankind, as it's progressed, has lost touch with our ability to connect with the spiritual. it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, just that it's a little harder to dial in to, if you will.

just my $.02.

this was the prayer on my dad's prayer card. it still gives me comfort.

God looked around his garden
and found an empty place.
He then looked down upon the earth,
And saw your tired face.
He put His arms around you,
And lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He always takes the best.
He knew you were suffering,
He knew that you were in pain.
He knew that you would never,
Get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough,
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He closed your weary eyelids,
And whispered, "Peace be thine."
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.

grace and peace to you too, Lushy.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/20/2009 9:01:40 PM

LafayetteLady

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FR-

Luscious, You and I have not always agreed, but my heart and my prayers go out to you. This is a terrible time of year to lose someone. I don't know if you are spiritual or not, but may God bless you and give you strength during this time.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/20/2009 9:17:44 PM

lusciouslips19

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Yesterday I helped my mom put make up on, She is still vain. Today I sat on the stairs with her. She writing. She overheard me say,"dont tell mom". I told her I was leaving my job(not that I already left). I told her she had to stop worrying about me. I made my bed and I will lie in it. I said,"I dont know why everything I have done has had to be the hard way". I told her just stop worrying and just love me". She put her hand to her heart and then hugged me (she cant talk anymore. She writes).

Its funny. My mother who was never very demonstrative. Now all she has are gestures.

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/22/2009 9:17:29 AM

Daddysredhead

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It is with great sadness that I write to tell you that Lushy's mother passed away just a few minutes ago. Lushy was with her mother as she slipped quietly away. She was glad to have been there with her mother and thanks you all for the love, prayers, and support that you all have shown.

~ Red

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RE: Death and Dying - 11/22/2009 9:19:03 AM

DarkSteven

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I'm sorry for your loss, lushy.

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