porcelaine
Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
Most submissive people I know are strong, fiercely independent in many ways, deeply successful and passionate. We are able to do many things, manage a multitude of concerns, serve a lovely tea, run a business, and maintain an interesting conversation - all at the same time. We are fiesty. But there is a place, like a soft spot or something where we resonate to a dominant person around us.
Whenever I've been with a man who "takes charge" in my life, it's like I can let go. I exhale when I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath. Quiet men or raucous, it doesn't matter - just someone who handles the things that worry me. It's like peace washes over me, and I can relax and be more fully who I am. Without that person, it's like there is a yearning that never quits.
I often feel a certain lacking on my part, embarassment even, because that yearning is there. Now, while I'm uninvolved, I manage it myself, and I quiet it as best I can, and I do what needs to be done. I do my best not to judge myself and to not be embarassed that I'm a turtle instead of a giraffe. But I sometimes long to be a giraffe. I sometimes wish that desperately. You all seem to be able to manage life so much more easily.
In the end, I may be able to live this way, alone, but I don't soar. I manage, but I don't sing.
Greetings sunshinemiss,
Because you requested commentary from others, I'm going to restrict my remarks to your opening statement, which is more reflective of the submissive experience in my opinion. I believe you raised some interesting points and I wanted to chime in nonetheless from a different perspective.
The most glaring change in my life over the last three months has been in relation to need and loss. I believed some things were fixed, to the point where their absence would hurt me in ways that I preferred not to consider. But sometimes we have to lose to gain, and in doing so the thing that has fallen away most sharply is need, particularly in the submissive sense and attachments as well. It is a process that is being continually refined. What I've experienced thus far has allowed me to move away from a desire/need to silence the yearning when those things are not being addressed or satisfied. The need was never real, it was always an illusion that I crafted in my mind that was an outgrowth of something else that was going unmet that I believed only He could attend to.
I have no need of Him. I enjoy His company. I like being able to lean and rely on Him and what He provides as a Partner and Dominant. But when these things are not in place the feelings of lack or need have largely subsided. I came to learn that they were not executed in a positive sense, and the mere fact that I had to work to keep them quiet spoke of something that I could no longer ignore. I articulate it as attachment and the "need" to connect in a way that I felt could not be satisfied in any manner save submission. It was always a win/lose scenario which usually resulted in a roller coaster ride the left me fatigued, confused, and wondering why I bothered doing this at all. I came very close to walking away from everything. In some respects I did.
I left the woman I knew behind and found her balanced twin instead. Doing so required me to reexamine my ideas on many things pertaining to the lifestyle and in particular slavery and relationships where enslavement and status as property were goals. I have altered my opinions on a lot and no longer identify myself as such. Not because I can't submit or even function as as slave in a relationship. But I'm not a slave overall. That is gone. That is the mindset that led to the incessant need that I attended to until He appeared on the horizon. Its manifestation could be beautiful or downright pathetic and I found myself sickened in some respects when I reviewed my behavior.
On many instances I asked what was wrong with me, because it was never about Him. Regardless who the Him was, I allowed myself to think, act, and feel these things and doing so was no longer in my best interest. Now I approach it all holistically and seek something organic without all the definitions, labels, roles, and other junk that gets heaped upon simple concepts in relating. I'm much happier now. I don't have a spot, place, or any compartment that speaks His name. I'm merely me and He gets all of that. I've merged all the divergent parts into one and there's cohesion in ways that didn't exist before.
I suppose in theory by letting go I gained a lot. The complexities of submission and some of the things I read are no longer struggles for me. I recognize that is merely a guise I'm putting onto the internal battles I'm having with myself. But I simply call them what they are these days. By forsaking my need to be owned and the sincere desire for an Owner, I've finally come to appreciate that having what is best is better for me overall. Even if it doesn't arrive in the manner I'd previously envisioned and prepared for. The churning ceased, I settled down and found my Home within. I remembered what I cherished most and articulated it aloud. The pangs never came nor did the sadness or the need to distract my thoughts. I was able to say the word with a radiant smile instead.
When I consider the questions you posed, my thoughts are fairly simple. My Keeper will engage in the things you speak of with a loving spirit that is founded on the principles of giving and receiving. As His kept I will do the same. I don't believe either will process need in its negative fashion, but recognize the active choice we've made to walk as One. The responsibilities we once carried alone are now shared by two shoulders. It is balanced and fulfilled in ways that go beyond the limitations that predefined roles can bring. We connect on four levels, engaging every facet of our heart, mind, body, and spirit in unison. The endless yearning has now found its place of peace and fulfillment. We provide those things for ourselves and for one another as well. Bringing two wholly complete partners into one beautiful dynamic called Us.
~porcelaine
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His will; my fate.
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