Padriag
Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: tx061
Hi!
I am new to this lifestyle and wish to be a Dom. Does one become a submissive first to learn what it is about?
The short answer... no, it isn't necessary.
Some consider it a step in becoming a dominant and I've often heard the idea originated with the Old Guard (Leathermen) way of doing things. The concept was that by learning to be a submissive first, as a dominant you would have a better understanding of submissives. While the idea has some merit, I find it at best only gives a dominant a vague understanding of things and that same knowledge can be acquired in other ways. In other words... Bottoming for awhile is about like trying to understand a fish by swimming in the ocean for awhile. You might learn some things, but you'll never really be a fish and never really know. What you can learn could also be learned in other ways.
I do very much recommend you talk to submissives and learn from them. In particular you might want to seek out an experienced submissive who has some of the traits you find desireable and get to know that person as a friend. Talk to them, ask questions and listen a great deal, they can give you insights that are invaluable.
Talk to other dominants as well. Particularly those who are experienced and especially those who's style and goals match your own. Learn about their successes and their failures, when they talk about their mistakes try to understand those mistakes, there are important lessons to be learned from them. When you seem them do something you wish to do, but can't, its probably because you don't know how... ask and listen.
While I don't think you need to try bottoming, I think you do need to experiment on yourself a little. For example, before buying a flogger, give the inside of your forearm a good thwack with it. Why? Because it gives you an intimate knowledge of what it feels like (and differen't floggers feel differently) and that can be a useful thing to know when you are trying to achieve a particular effect with a submissive. Try kneeling in one position for an hour, it'll give you an education about cramps in you calves, ankles and toes, stiffness in your knees, etc. That can be useful to know and understand either for punishing a sub later, or for keeping in mind the effects of what you are doing (for example suppose you have a sub kneel for an hour, then follow that up with an activity that requires them run around... how will that affect them... do you know?). Understanding those effects potentially gives you another degree of control, another "tool" in your bag of tricks.
Read a lot. There good books within the lifestyle on a variety of subjects. I've posted a reading list a number of times in these forums. But also read things outside of lifestyle publications, books on basic behavior psychology, relationship counseling, self improvement, and leadership can all be helpful. I've even found a book on basic zen meditation to be useful to me in my style of doing things.
Set some high standards of ethics for yourself and hold yourself to them. Gaining a reptutation for integrity is worth your weight in gold.
Do some serious self examination. Start keeping a private journal. Ask yourself some tough questions about why you want to be a dom, what appeals to you about it, what you want out of it, what you expect, etc. It helps make you self aware and that's a first step in self mastery. You'll discover areas in yourself you need to work on, and you'll also come away with a better grasp of exactly what it is you want (and also what you don't want).
_____________________________
Padriag
A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer
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