Cheating Spouses - a different take (Full Version)

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DoNotKnow -> Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 10:22:41 AM)

I accidentally found out that my husband is viewing porn online. He also is e-mailing and chatting with people. And, he is on this site and has become involved with someone he found on this site, e-mailing and chatting with her. As far as I know, it is all strictly online. The e-mails are very sexually explicit, i.e., what he would do to her and what he wants her to do to him. I don't think that he knows that I know. I haven't said anything to him. My question is - is this considered cheating?



HisSweetElysium -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 10:25:33 AM)

Only you know that. In your heart if you feel hurt and betrayed by his actions, then yes.  If you think it's harmless internet fun, then no.  I wish you the best....



breatheasone -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 10:29:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DoNotKnow

I accidentally found out that my husband is viewing porn online. He also is e-mailing and chatting with people. And, he is on this site and has become involved with someone he found on this site, e-mailing and chatting with her. As far as I know, it is all strictly online. The e-mails are very sexually explicit, i.e., what he would do to her and what he wants her to do to him. I don't think that he knows that I know. I haven't said anything to him. My question is - is this considered cheating?

to me, ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



aldompdx -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 10:30:38 AM)

It all depends upon your mutual agreements, understandings, and unique feelings.
For some, polyamory is not cheating.
For others, saying "I love you" in an email is cheating, even when written to offspring.

Do you feel cheated when your partner has fantasy thoughts in which you are not the object?
At what point do you need to be the "thought police" in order to feel not cheated?



DomImus -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 11:03:35 AM)

Many would consider it cheating but many of the same might not have a very high opinion of how you accidentally found out.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 11:13:12 AM)

quote:

I don't think that he knows that I know. I haven't said anything to him. My question is - is this considered cheating?
No more, or less, than you cheating on him. First by your "accentually" finding out; but also by disclosing and discussing this on-line. Unless you've told him you were coming here for advice first.

However if the communication with your spouse has reached this point, his on-line affair is a symptom not the illness.

quote:

My question is - is this considered cheating?


As trained by 16 years of Catholic indoctrination - a sin committed in the mind is a sin as if it was committed. I always used that to justify doing whatever it was I was thinking - figuring that if I was going to hell anyway, I may as well do it if I thought of it.



thishereboi -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 11:16:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

Many would consider it cheating but many of the same might not have a very high opinion of how you accidentally found out.


Please share...how exactly did she find out?



frazzle -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 11:18:42 AM)

Not sure about the "accidentally", if you werent concerned you wouldnt have looked.

As to the cheating, if you see it as cheating, then thats what it is.

fess up, and ask him.

But then youve gone behind his back as well.

Maybe talking and working out where you both are, and what you both want, is in order.



HisSweetElysium -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 11:23:38 AM)

not necessarily everyone, I "busted" my ex when typing search terms into my computer something as simple as "hot topic" and got through "hot" before it autocompleted "hot sexy girls having sex" which I had certainly not done. Being more tech savvy than my ex,  and knowing damned well I hadn' typed that, I then found by looking at the cookies that while I was out at school bettering myself  so I could have a better job and a good future for us he was using my computer to surf the web and look at porn and chat up women.

So I was not snooping when it was discovered, but rather pissed. 



LadyPact -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 11:25:00 AM)

Using fast reply.....

The only person who can make the decision about whether you feel that it is cheating is you.  The only thing that people can offer you is their own opinion on the subject.

If you are asking Me My particular opinion of how I would view this situation if it was in My life, I would say yes that it is cheating.  To Me, cheating isn't about physical sex.  It's going behind the back of the person who is supposed to be the most important person in My life, and creating an intimacy with a third party that My partner isn't aware of.  My basic rule of thumb is, if you can't be honest about your actions, that is cheating.

It seems to Me that you may already be aware of this.  If you are suspicious enough of your partner to 'accidentally' find this account of his and his exchanges with someone else, there's obviously something going on there.  If it were Me, I would think it is time to sit down at a table across from each other and have a very serious conversation.



frazzle -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 11:48:18 AM)

Playing devils advocate...........you may have found a porn site he was looking at, but to access his interactions with another, would have taken a password.

if you had the comp set up to find them, you didnt trust him to start.



HisSweetElysium -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 11:51:11 AM)

nope, didn't actually read the interactions, just saw numerous cookies from chat sites that were sexual in nature and that he had never mentioned to me before.  I confronted him, and he lied and tried to blame it on a friend that stayed over once in the office. I then dug deeper and found the many days worth of it, all date stamped at times I was at school. 



lucylucy -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 2:04:06 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium

nope, didn't actually read the interactions, just saw numerous cookies from chat sites that were sexual in nature and that he had never mentioned to me before.  I confronted him, and he lied and tried to blame it on a friend that stayed over once in the office. I then dug deeper and found the many days worth of it, all date stamped at times I was at school. 


Only you can decide if it's cheating, but based on the info above, he's definitely a liar.



frazzle -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 2:10:20 PM)

you would still have needed a password. Cookies dont give you any thing more than sites visited



purepleasure -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 2:14:44 PM)

if he was using the family computer and didn't log out, it could well be that CM was open when the OP went to play solitaire or do some shopping online. To me it does not seem as if she were checking up on her husband, and came across his interests accidentally.



breatheasone -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 2:45:23 PM)

It doesn't matter how she found out!!!!! She could have hired a PI, she could have bought a computer program that records key strokes, she could be a Medium! ANY spouse has the RIGHT to find out if their spouse is cheating. If you have nothing to hide, hide nothing.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 3:21:34 PM)

quote:

ANY spouse has the RIGHT to find out if their spouse is cheating. If you have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Let me flip this coin, because there is another risk involved to those feeling entitled to search.

I don't cheat. Actually i don't think it's possible for me to cheat, but that's for another thread.

However, catching beth 'searching' or inadvertently stumbling across something "accidentally" and posting about it, would end our relationship in a New York second. I have no need or desire to share intimacy with anyone who can't ask me something direct and expect a truthful response from me.

As a point of information, from the day we committed to the Master / slave relationship we have, she's had all my personal pass-codes, and I have hers. In fact I think she may have had my ATM code even before that because of a specific circumstance. As I say to any friend who borrows money from me; "No problem if you never pay me back and I never see you again. I'd rather know the cash value you placed on our friendship in lieu of continuing under the misconception that it was 'priceless'."

You can always make or raise more money - you can't raise more trust once it's spent. I place a much higher value on having the ability to trust someone unconditionally than I do on any material object of or monetary amount.



breatheasone -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 3:27:39 PM)

Allow me to expand. If after i asked my husband, and we discussed my concerns i felt that something was still wrong.....i would take steps to find out. If that makes me less than honorable in any ones eyes....BIG DEAL!

And lets not ASSUME this woman hasn't tried to talk to her husband.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 3:46:49 PM)

On-line porn? Meh - men are visual creatures and online porn is fairly harmless. If the truth be known, i enjoy watching good bdsm porn with my Sir. Very stirring.


Relationships online with intimacy - sexual or otherwise - cheating. My Sir talks to other women online - with my knowledge - and it bothers me not at all. There is no hint of emotional intimacy in his relationships with others, and it doesn't impact our relationship.

OP - you need to ask yourself how involved he is with his "online activities", and wheither or not you believe him. Then ask yourself if you are better off with him, or without him.



rockspider -> RE: Cheating Spouses - a different take (11/20/2009 4:36:08 PM)

Well strictly speaking i can't see it as cheating. If it happened to me i would wonder what was missing in our relationship. If she did satisfy all my needs, i would be extremely worried as i would wonder about it was an inadequecy on my part. On the other hand if i werent getting enough i probably would get rather pissed off. So it really depend on the situation.
To the women who seem to have a fetish about going to hubbys pocket and similar kind of behaviour. If i was their hubby and knew i was clean i would demand she go and see a shrink on the double. That kind of behaviour always gets worse. One bussiness asociate once told me his wife found a note in his pocket "Phone Gayle" and a number. She was going to confront this Gayle bitch so she could keep her mits of her hubby. Well she did phone Gayle and the message she got was "Oh you are Steves wife. Please tell him we need a cheque. I have tried to get him for days". Well that litle experience didn't stop her and some years later they did get a divorce.
As the tread is cheating spouses a different take i will ask a question which haven't been asked.
Does a woman who spend all her days sitting around watching soaps, and when bedtime comes in 13 out of 14 evenings claim tiredness, headache and similar things. She even once told me that she had read somewhere that sex more than twice a month was unusual in a marriage. Can she actually blame hubby, when he after years of that seeks satisfaction outside the home? Off course i am talking about a very much ex wife.
Well we tried everything from talking, to screaming, seeing a priest and a highly skilled theraphist. Nothing helped and she just claimed i was wrong and just had to accept it. Well off course to day i am the cheating bastard ex hubby which she divorced according to her. The sad thing is that i don't feel one thing guilty, just sad over that i wasted so many years flogging a dead horse.



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