sexual addiction -- need advice (Full Version)

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kitkatbar -> sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 5:48:04 PM)

I am looking for some advice.

I am in a monogamous relationship and have been for over a year. A few months back, I found out my Owner had been lying to me and trying to meet others online (or if not actually meet (his words, not mine), then at least pretend to want to meet, and posting as a single man looking for a single woman for a LTR). We had had one previous episode of a lie in our relationship which was of his doing. It was a big one, and although we worked through it, I continue to have trust issues. When I found out about his online persuits, I walked away. A week or so later, he got me to talk to him and he said that he realized he has a sexual addiction problem. He is a sex addict and wanted to get help. His addiction is internet dating sites. He has joined sexual addicts anonomyous, and is seeing a private therapist. He goes faithfully to the group meeting each week, and is in regular contact with his therapist. Unfortunately, his insurance doesn't pay for the therapy, so its not as regular.

I continue to have major trust issues (which I think are normal and he does too. he does not minimize my trust issues, or make it out to be 'my' problem. its 'our' problem because of his behavior).

I think my question is this: I still struggle with this whole thing. Can I ever fully trust him? Is he trustworthy? I know you cant' answer that. But have any of you had any experience with a person that is a sex addict? My Owner doesn't say he is addicted to porn, but he looks at porn every day without fail. He does avoid internet dating sites, and personal ads, even craigslist gets him excited and is not safe for him.

I hope this isn't too weird. Being in a bdsm relationship makes things seem a little more complicated and I dont feel I can share that part with my rt friends, which means I have little support. And honestly, sometimes I'm not even sure what my question is. Am I beating a dead horse here? Will I have to continually look over my shoulder and his to ensure I am not being lied to or cheated on? I am not poly and have no interest there. He said he didn't, but I find words that say he does, and when I ask, he continues to deny wanting that. Now or ever. It's all so confusing!.

Thank you for any advice or thoughts you might share.



kitkatbar -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 5:50:24 PM)

Also, Have any of you had experience with being with a sex addict? Or are you a sex addict? Or a recovering one? I just feel confused and my emotions go back and forth with what feels right. I am very much in love with this man and have been, so to just walk away isn't that easy, and I'm not I want to. Or am capable of it.

Thank you. Sorry for such a confusing post.



sexyred1 -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 5:56:50 PM)

Sorry, but I would have to say that you will continue to have trust issues given his issues. If you truly love this guy and think he worth it for the long haul, I suppose you stick by him. But the concept of sexual addiction does not work for me, other than being addicted to ONE person.

At least in my experience.



LadyPact -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 5:58:10 PM)

From what I know, groups for sexual addiction are a variation of a twelve step program.  Just the same as AA or NA.  The bigger twelve step programs usually have support groups for family members.  For example, many larger cities also have Al-Anon, which is a separate entity from the AA meetings themselves.  That would be My first thought for you.  Check into finding out if there is a 'sister' group for families, which are usually based for the family of the person who is involved in a twelve step program.  If there isn't one specifically for the partners of sex addicts, give Al-Anon or Nar-Anon a try.  They are based on the same principle.   Also, you could ask his therapist for other resources for you.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you if you will ever be able to trust him again.  I'm afraid the only person who can answer that for you is you.



ETA....  I'm not a sex addict, nor have I ever been romantically involved with one.  Years ago, I had been friends with a couple of folks who had been involved in the twelve step program related to sexual addictions that I mentioned.  One male and one female.



DarkSteven -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 6:15:57 PM)

His program may be able to treat his sex addiction.  But it will not treat the fact that he lied to you.  Or that you have trust issues.

Would it be possible to break up for a while to clear your head?

And BTW, this is NOT poly.  Poly is a relationship with multiple people, all of whom are aware of the others.  He lied to you, and he lied to the women who he told he was single.

Good luck.



Lucienne -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 6:41:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitkatbar
Being in a bdsm relationship makes things seem a little more complicated and I dont feel I can share that part with my rt friends, which means I have little support.


I don't see how bdsm complicates the matter. You're supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. He's actively trying to cheat on you. He's claiming a sex addiction. How is the precise nature of your dynamic with him preventing you from sharing with your friends "my SO claims to be a sex addict"?

Addiction is problematic enough. Sex addiction... meh... either you can live with your man fucking other people or you walk away.



Rhodes85 -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 7:15:35 PM)

'Can I ever fully trust him? Is he trustworthy? '

No and no. His own words show he can't be trusted, let alone his actions. He lied, hid things from you and was willing to cheat on you.

I doubt it will stop and i'd say the only reason you even found out was because you happened onto it by chance. It is likely he never intended you to know what he was doing. Personally I think hes risking your safety by doing it. He could have cheated, caught an std and ended up giving it to you quite easily. Thats just something to consider.



AcademyForSlaves -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 7:55:26 PM)

Hi.

To me he sounds like most ever guy I know, but that's just me. Men love sex. Period. The trust issue is something every person deals with when they are lied to or deceived by a partner they used to trust. Betrayal is hurtful. Have you gone to therapy too? There are support groups for the person on the other end of the issue, the person dealing with an addict. Does his therapy have a group for you?

Hope this helps.



kiwisub12 -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 8:01:50 PM)

Wouldn't viewing porn every day for a sex addict be rather like an alcoholic sniffing bottles of alcohol?



eihwaz -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 8:05:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitkatbar

I just feel confused and my emotions go back and forth with what feels right. I am very much in love with this man and have been, so to just walk away isn't that easy, and I'm not I want to. Or am capable of it.

Thank you. Sorry for such a confusing post.

Not confusing at all and no need to apologize.  Dealing with an someone you love who's also an addict can be intensely, painfully confusing.

I second LadyPact's suggestion that you check out Al-Anon or a similar program.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kitkatbar
I still struggle with this whole thing. Can I ever fully trust him? Is he trustworthy? I know you cant' answer that. But have any of you had any experience with a person that is a sex addict?

Not with sex addicts (that I know of), but with other types.  As LadyPact said, it's impossible to say.  Most probably, though, he won't be trustworthy until he is in solid recovery, and that will take time.  He may indeed very much want to be trustworthy and feel genuine remorse, but addicts in the throes of their addiction do all sorts of crazy, wounding, and destructive things.  It's tragic for all involved.

From your description of your actions, it sounds like you're instincts are basically healthy.  It's typical, by the way, when dealing with an addict to feel bad about perfectly reasonable and healthy feelings and responses -- such as your trust issues.

I wish you luck.







breatheasone -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 10:17:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

Wouldn't viewing porn every day for a sex addict be rather like an alcoholic sniffing bottles of alcohol?

Nods



Lockit -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/20/2009 10:50:09 PM)

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been there and I know that kind of pain. What is sad is that he hasn't tried to get help and now has another dominant, who is real time and he says he is happy with her and yet... he is still at least appearing to continue with his activities. I even tested him and he failed, showing me that he did it to me and continues. It was good that I left. The pain he caused me may one day be brought home to another.

I do believe that in many situations with an addict of any sort, when they do start healing and changing, their needs change. They got together with someone who was what they needed when activily addicted and couldn't relate to that person after they have found some recovery.

I think the best thing would be to get into the support group or twelve step groups that support family memebers or those involved with a sexual addict and in time you will know more about things and will be more able to decide what you can or cannot handle. They will most likely at some point discuss how the person changes and how relationships are changed. I think it would be a real worthwhile effort on your part and you may find a lot of healing yourself.

Good luck to you!



subboi3382 -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/21/2009 3:31:32 AM)

i did a little paper on SAA for my PSYCH class last year
http://www.sexaa.org/



daddysliloneds -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/21/2009 7:34:27 AM)

a sex addict goes out and gets the sex; a porn or fantasy addict isn't always getting sex, but uses such as a means to getting off without a partner being in the picture. i'd say trust him to fuck you good and take advantage of his raging labido. other than that, i wouldn't hold my breath in maintaining a long-term, could never live without you, type of relationship with him, but that's just me.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/21/2009 12:12:07 PM)

1.) You THINK you are in a monogamous relationship.  [8|]

2.) Whether its a sex addiction or not, is beside the point. He is deceitful, dishonest and immature.

3.) One should never put up with deceit, IMHO.




If you want to put up with this lying guy and his mountains of issues, go right ahead. But if it were me: I'd run like the wind, away from him.



Drifa -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/21/2009 12:17:45 PM)

If you intend to stay and try to make the relationship work, I'd suggest that you see if the two of you can enter couple's counseling.

If not, see if YOU can get a counselor, you will need an unbiased person to help you steer clearly through the landmines of the process as he falls off the wagon and works (if he really is) towards recovery.



ranja -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/22/2009 12:32:42 AM)

So i suppose i am a sex addict too... ha ha oh dear

i like having cyber affairs and talk dirty with strangers
i like to look at porn... i prefer stills and short home made clips to glossy movies

i would like it if my Husband would share me (it took me some time to actually admit to that without feeling totally guilty)... but other than allowing me some playtime on line and dancing once or twice a week He is not inclined to share any more of me unfortunately

These are the compromises we live by

good luck



sunshinemiss -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/22/2009 7:14:08 AM)

Go to a meeting with him.  Let them know that you'd like to talk to a significant other of one of them.  If here is no sex addicts-alanon group, there are still people in the same boat as you.  Also, Al-anon, ACOA... it's all about being on the receiving end of lies and about mistrust.  You can go to those as well.

But make no mistake.  If you stay, it will be a very difficult journey.  Ugly, hurtful, distressing.  It gets worse before it gets better.  But it can get better.

Good luck
sunshine



antipode -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/22/2009 3:51:45 PM)

quote:

A week or so later, he got me to talk to him and he said that he realized he has a sexual addiction problem. He is a sex addict and wanted to get help.


Well, I - ah, another one way traffic person without profile. Not worth the effort.



sincityprincess -> RE: sexual addiction -- need advice (11/22/2009 5:29:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

His program may be able to treat his sex addiction. But it will not treat the fact that he lied to you. Or that you have trust issues.

Would it be possible to break up for a while to clear your head?

And BTW, this is NOT poly. Poly is a relationship with multiple people, all of whom are aware of the others. He lied to you, and he lied to the women who he told he was single.

Good luck.




I am so glad that Steven brought this up...I was in a similar situation and found it very difficult to get support from my vanilla friends who weren't aware of the dynamic of our relationship and how complicated it was for me to voice my needs and limits to someone who I willingly gave so much control to otherwise. When I turned to lifestyle folks for advice, I was given many pep-talks on poly and I became very confused until I, too, realized that my (then) Master's penchant for online porn & sex with strangers had nothing to do with a healthy poly situation.

My Master also admitted to me that he was a sex-addict, however, he wasn't receptive to therapy...because he didn't want to stop. He was happy with his behavior. He agreed that lying and deceit was not acceptable so he blatanly told me that he intended to continue on as he had, and expected me to accept this as part of who he is. Their was also a double standard--as I was not allowed to do anything with anyone else but was supposed to be fine with whatever it was he did.

He explained to me that the physical gratification he received from what he was doing was a temporary physical "fix" and completely void of emotion or desire. What we shared in his mind was separate and different from what he did with other women.

With his straight forward-ness about his intentions, I had little choice but to accept it or ask to be released. I desperately wanted to stay with him so I tried to accept it and learn to not take it personally when he had sex (real or cyber) with strange girls because I wanted so badly to please him.

Eventually, it became a facade I couldn't keep up and it ended our relationship. For me, it wasn't about whether or not I could "trust" him because he stopped being dishonest with me about his actions. It became whether or not I could live with it...and I just couldn't. An addict will always be an addict...whether they are in recovery or not they will never be cured.

If you are a girl who needs to be in a monogamous relationship, I think you really should consider whether or not you can fully submit to someone who cannot give you what you need. You'll never be really able to demand that he stops. He can choose to and perhaps someday he will, but if you try to force him to than you will be exercising control over him and then the whole power exchange becomes unbalanced.



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