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RE: chasing the married man/woman - 11/22/2009 2:26:09 PM

Acer49

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

In light of some of the current threads on cheating ....

What interests me is, why do some women/men find themselves more attracted to a married person?
I am not talking about forming a relationship with someone to later find out that they are in a relationship but to deliberately look for a taken man/woman.
I know a woman on the scene that has gone through 3 married men. Once she has chewed at the bone and by which time they have left their wife and children, she spits them out and moves onto the next married man.
We also know a fem sub that recently had an affair with a Dominant already in a relationship. When he called it off she cried loudly 'why would he choose that ugly old bag over me?'
Steve is a very good looking guy and he has had some fairly major approaches from single women who know he is my partner.

Are they doing this because....they want what someone else has? because they think they are more attractive? or is it a rush from a chase that is far more competitive than with a single man?

There are several reasons, however, none of them are good in my opinion.

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RE: chasing the married man/woman - 11/22/2009 2:42:59 PM

Wolf2Bear

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

There seems to be an awful lot of assumption that the chaser has really thought things through. What I have seen falls more into the realm of being in denial... knowing that he is smart and interesting and funny and attractive... and conveniently ignoring the fact that he is unavailable and/or not having the self-control to walk away from him.

Cali

And speaking from the other side of the coin, it had been my own experience that many of the married men had done the bulk of the chasing behind their spouses back.
*Gasp* yes I had been in that position of being the "other man" in an affair and at that time....I was NOT looking to break up anyone's marriage, I was NOT looking to enter into any long term commitment with another. I was simply seeking added excitement of the fact I was sleeping with a married man and I knew beyond a doubt that I didn't have to worry about having a deeper attachment from someone who wasn't able to give that to me. The actual reasons why the married men choose to cheat, I do not know, they had their reasons and I had mine. I could have said no and walked away yet I didn't, I willingly chose to do what I did and took responsibility for my own actions. Granted that paints me in a very negative way, so be it. Keep in mind that these affairs happened 30 years ago when I was in my late teens/early twenties.

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RE: chasing the married man/woman - 11/22/2009 3:13:36 PM

Llyren

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First off, I do not make a habit of chasing married men. I was cheated on by my own late, unlamented spouse, and it hurt considerably. But I did stop and think about this, since I am an equal-opportunity flirt.

I think that I am better material as a mistress than as a wife, because of how much I like having my own life. I am not sure I'd like a partner around full-time, since I do like living by myself. So the appeal of a married man would in fact be that he'd show up randomly, bring gifts, we'd have kinky sex, and I'd kiss him goodbye and send him back to his wife. In fact, I'd support his marriage, and want it to stay together, because I wouldn't want him underfoot.

This would also apply to a female lover, but women seem to cheat differently, I think. Though a couple who would show up periodically... mmmmm... excuse me while I daydream....

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RE: chasing the married man/woman - 11/22/2009 3:37:03 PM

kttqnp

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I have to agree with Bear that a great many married people are the pursuers here on CM. At first, I was quite outraged and had a statement to that effect on my profile. All that got me was arguments from married men who felt justified in their pursuits, and no difference in the number of propositions from married men than I'd gotten before. It was roughly as effective as warning "no fakes, no scams!". I gave that up after a while in favor of pointedly asking any serious prospect if they were married or in a serious relationship. That still isn't foolproof, but saves me a lot of flaming from married men who think that their BDSM interests justify going outside their marriages.

As far as actively chasing married people, my guess is that it's a kind of permanent honeymoon relationship. You always have the good times with them; not the day-to-day realities, like getting up at 3 am with a sick kid, or making sure the bills get paid. You see each other when you're at your best. The stolen moments must seem more precious. And you can see yourself as the martyr when you spend weekends and holidays alone.

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RE: chasing the married man/woman - 11/22/2009 3:46:22 PM

dreamerdreaming

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Its called "poaching".

There are many reasons, but basically one of the key factors is that a married (or otherwise committed) man looks better to these women because someone already has them, therefore they must be a good catch or they'd still be single. Flawed logic, of course. These people are predators.

Unrelated: married seeks married, for the convenience. If you are in a marriage where your needs aren't getting met, hooking up with another married person who has the same trouble can be a way of trying to get each other's needs met, while staying in the respective marriages. And you won't have someone pining away for you while you are with your spouse and family then, because when you are apart, they'll be with theirs. There's a minumum of time and energy involved, and there need not be much emotional investment, at all. Its convenient.

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RE: chasing the married man/woman - 11/23/2009 1:34:23 AM

allthatjaz

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After I started this thread I started to wonder why I had put it in general BDSM and not off topic.
I think the chase of a taken man/woman seems much more prevalent on the scene, at least to me or perhaps my vanilla world was much more sheltered!
As a vanilla I didn't go to parties with my partner where scantly clad people with expectant minds for play and when I was vanilla I didn't have the same opportunities for flirting that I do on the scene and so I was somewhat protected. I do however remember sitting in Rhodes airport after a flight delay and this younger woman approaching my husband (in front of me) and giving him the big come on and I did have a neighbor that offered my husband a blow job in return for a job she wanted him to do!

Here and now in the full swings of the lifestyle I not only witness regular approaches towards my partner but I get approached by guys too who know full well I am in a relationship.
Ok so one could say they may want poly but for a few females that we have let in, they have quickly shown their own agenda and that is to split us or at least do something secretive behind the other ones back.
I will use poly as an example (thats not her real name). She wanted a poly relationship with us and to begin with it worked very well but she then started telling us different things. She told me that she loved her vanilla boyfriend and thats why this sort of relationship was perfect for her. She told Steve that she was very unhappy with her vanilla boyfriend and wanted to split from him. We were both dominant towards her but telephone and text communication was all with him. If she couldn't get hold of him then she didn't call me. Poly then started needing Stephen to talk in private, to be their for her. Of course Stephen was communicating this all back to me and it was him that said 'Im starting to feel really uncomfortable with this and I think she has an agenda here'. Fortunately we are close enough to just let these sort of people go.

Getting back to the original point in the context of married men/women. I have to put my hand up and say that I find taken submissives more attractive than single ones. Like others here have pointed out, its proof that something good is going on. To some we are more attractive if we are in a relationship.

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 11/23/2009 1:37:39 AM >

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