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What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 8:17:50 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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hi all,

I was just thinking about confidence in different people. Like there are many types of confidence displayed in different ways. Some people exhibiting confidence are just kinda pretending and will crash with the slightest little push. Some peoples confidences are attributed to the situation around them, the people around them, their job, their title, their education, their friends and associates, the things they have accomplished in life, all the external things, is that real confidence? Some are quietly confident while others are outspoken. What is confidence? What's it made up of?

I'm posting this to the Ask A Master section as I believe most slaves/submissives expect their Master/Dominant to be self confident...but what does that mean to you, as a Master/Dominant or as a slave/submissive?

P.S. Im not discluding Mistresses from posting here..i just didnt know really where to put the post...so here it is...so Mistresses the questions are for you too.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 3/12/2006 8:24:57 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 8:21:30 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

I think mine stems from a combination of different things. Growing up, I kind of hung out with the wrong crowd and learned early on how to take care of and defend myself...raising three step-children and one of my own early on, by myself...my work...going from being dependent on someone to being totally self-sufficient because I had no choice...all combined to give me the confidence that I now carry myself with.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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Post #: 2

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 8:27:28 PM

slavejali

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So going through life experiences, coming out the other end older and wiser..yeah i can see how that develops real confidence. Thanks IrishMist.

(in reply to IrishMist)

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RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 8:28:04 PM

cillydom

Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
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Confidence is a belief in ones ability to accomplish or surmount.

And just having confidence is no guarantee that it is based in reality

the submissive should develop confidence in his proven abilities, not the abilities he says he has

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 4

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 8:37:58 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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quote:

And just having confidence is no guarantee that it is based in reality

Yes, thats what I was getting at in part of my OP. Care to expand on that?

(in reply to cillydom)

Post #: 5

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 8:46:02 PM

valeca

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Joined: 1/9/2006
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Confidence, in large part, stems from experience and education (formal and/or the school-of-life).

There are times, though, that confidence can turn to arrogance, and that's when it becomes unattractive.

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to cillydom)

Post #: 6

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 9:08:26 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I have a love/hate relationship with arrogant people....arrogance works well in a Dom for me...actually its realy hot for me if i was to tell the truth....ugh! lol...i think i'm off topic..thanks for distracting me valeca *grin*

< Message edited by slavejali -- 3/12/2006 9:09:18 PM >

(in reply to valeca)

Post #: 7

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 9:54:45 PM

Crazytwice

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline

For me, confidence is trust of self.

and for a note on the arrogance post by valeca, I wholehearted agree. confidence isnt arrogance; communication is quite possible and enjoyable with a confident person. I find I cannot even begin a sentence much less have any meaningful communication with someone that has been stricken by arrogance. I believe here it's sometimes referred to as top's disease.

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 8

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 9:58:52 PM

OscarHargraves

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Joined: 8/9/2005
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I think real confidence is the result of experience and education combined with a 'Can-Do' attitude. Having a good idea of where you're going and how you're going to get there is a large part of it. We are all products of our envirnment and that envirnment can directly affect a person's abilities and their confidence.

I am confident in my aircraft that I can handle any situation I get myself into. If I wasn't I wouldn't be able to fly comfortably. I'm confident that I can drive and navigate to places in my car without serious incident. That's based on experience and education. However I am not always confident that I know and understand what a Sub is wanting and expecting from me. I tend to become more confident (and subsequently more aggressive) as I become more familiar with her and her needs and limits. I guess you could say that I 'grow' my confidence in those cases.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

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RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 10:14:32 PM

cillydom

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One can be over confident that they can handle any situation, which leads to poor or no planing for the unforseen. Over confidence can lead quickly to tragedy.

Confidence should be tinged with a bit uncertainty, I was a machinist for much of my working life and used numerous types of machine tools but even if I was about to use a type I was familiar with having used its type before but not this particular one, I would ask if there were any peculiarities of this particular machine.

I’ve seen confident tops that thought that all bottoms should respond the same way to their masterly techniques.

Glad I’m not a top.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 10

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 10:18:23 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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quote:

For me, confidence is trust of self.

Like that.

(in reply to OscarHargraves)

Post #: 11

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 10:34:03 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

hi all,

I was just thinking about confidence in different people. Some peoples confidences are attributed to the situation around them, the people around them, their job, their title, their education, their friends and associates, the things they have accomplished in life, all the external things, is that real confidence?

Wow!

What a great question...

Is our confidence based on others' perception? If so, is that really wrong? What would happen if we lost the thing(s) that give us confidence?

Reminds me of "I don't remember what it's called" starring Eddie Murphy as the 'bum' taken off the street and given all the advantages of an Ivy Leaguer...while the one who was 'to the manor born' is thrown out into the cold cruel world, and finds that platitudes warm only those who offer them.

I have met advantaged people who couldn't even 'buy' class...and disadvantaged folk whose entire lives were lessons to most... Most of us are somewhere in between. But I think it's important to remember that it's a lot easier to have manners when you are not worrying about buying a winter coat for your child, or putting food on the table.

From someone whose been on both sides of the table...(entirely my fault), I would more put my faith in a dreamer who has nothng but a sense of self, than one who skates by on who or what he is...

< Message edited by xxblushesxx -- 3/12/2006 10:59:35 PM >

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 12

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 10:42:05 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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Like Irish says it often starts early by being thrown into situations time after time, where the shit is hitting the fan in major ways and you have no option but to find some way through it. You get to the point where you are looking back at what you have already gone through and think "If I have already overcame those problems, there ain't much left that is worse. Whatever the world throws at me now, however much it hurts at the time, I KNOW I can find ways through it!"

That point with me came pretty early on in life.

Another kind of confidence entirely comes when you spend many years annalysing and learning who you are, challenging the bits of yourself you need to change and living as the sort of person who can look themselves square in the eye in the mirror and still hold their head high.

That point came later, is still a work in progress (Always will be) but has for the most part been the case since my mid twentys.

Where those two aren't enough, where you know what you need to do but you don't have the confidence in doing it.... Stubourness is a good substitute, simply refusing to give in, getting off your arse and doing it anyway.

Which sorta builds a third type of confidence entirely..... and I'm VERY stubourn

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 13

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 10:44:41 PM

FangsNfeet

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Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

Confidence is showing your ability to know and to act on without showing nor having doubt. "Do or do not, there is no try."

In BDSM, scenes may not go exactly as a Dom had plan. A toy breaks, a knot dosen't work, an item has been misplaced, etc.. etc... etc... Rather than thinking it's all be ruined or have a panic demonstrating under confidence, it's best to play it cool and show that you're still in controll. Any delays can be used to add more suspense to the scene.

In any scenerio, it's always best to be confident enough not to be over confident.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 14

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 10:49:21 PM

Crazytwice

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline

Thank you, slave jali

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 15

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/12/2006 10:58:44 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

However I am not always confident that I know and understand what a Sub is wanting and expecting from me.I tend to become more confident (and subsequently more aggressive) as I become more familiar with her and her needs and limits. I guess you could say that I 'grow' my confidence in those cases.

...but I would hazard a guess that your confident in the *process* of that Sir.

quote:

Is our confidence based on others' perception? If so, is that really wrong? What would happen if we lost the thing(s) that give us confidence?

Exactly

quote:

Where those two aren't enough, where you know what you need to do but you don't have the confidence in doing it.... Stubourness is a good substitute, simply refusing to give in, getting off your arse and doing it anyway.

hehe liked that.

quote:

"In any scenerio, it's always best to be confident enough not to be over confident. "

and

"Confidence should be tinged with a bit uncertainty,"

Allows you to keep it real hey

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 16

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/13/2006 1:40:00 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Irrespective of my natural shyness, I have supreme confidence in myself. In areas in which I have the necessary experience and an excellent track record, my confidence is based solidly on that experience, yet, I rarely commit the cardinal sin of over confidence. I am the first to tell you if I lack experience in specific areas which are of interest to you. I will if I deem it necessary undertake a learning to master such areas or at least have acceptable standards of competence in such areas. My self-confidence and natural arrogance is such that I will not con or BS you, but will play it straight down the line. If I screw up I accept the consequences and still stand with my head up and looking forward. If and I do mean IF I take command, then my word is law. If I say jump the only question I accept is “How High?” When shit happens and the chips are down, there is God and me, Guess what God just left the building and there are no rules except mine. Arrogant? Hell yes and it has kept people alive. If you submit to me, I will, if it humanly possible, keep you from harm.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 17

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/13/2006 3:03:46 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

What is confidence? What's it made up of?

Confidence is belief in yourself, pure and simple. In another thread I had this to say about trust and faith.

quote:

Trust = the degree to which I believe a person is reliable and/or dependable, the degree to which I believe someone will do what they say without supervision or coercion.

Faith = I think the bible says it quite well. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, but not yet seen. Faith is my belief that the things I hope for will occur, that potential will be fulfilled, especially in circumstances where there is no direct evidence of it.

Confidence is partly trust in yourself based on what experience has taught you you can do; and partly faith in yourself based on what you believe you can do but have not tried yet. Most people derive most of their confidence from trust in themselves, but its confidence from faith in themselves that tends to be most impressive... that is, someone who is confident even when facing a new challenge that impresses us most. That's when we really tend to stop and say "Wow, that person is really confident!"

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 18

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/13/2006 3:29:11 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Like Irish says it often starts early by being thrown into situations time after time, where the shit is hitting the fan in major ways and you have no option but to find some way through it. You get to the point where you are looking back at what you have already gone through and think "If I have already overcame those problems, there ain't much left that is worse. Whatever the world throws at me now, however much it hurts at the time, I KNOW I can find ways through it!"

That point with me came pretty early on in life.

Another kind of confidence entirely comes when you spend many years annalysing and learning who you are, challenging the bits of yourself you need to change and living as the sort of person who can look themselves square in the eye in the mirror and still hold their head high.

That point came later, is still a work in progress (Always will be) but has for the most part been the case since my mid twentys.

Where those two aren't enough, where you know what you need to do but you don't have the confidence in doing it.... Stubourness is a good substitute, simply refusing to give in, getting off your arse and doing it anyway.

Which sorta builds a third type of confidence entirely..... and I'm VERY stubourn

Very well said, Raven.

Speaking for myself, it's taken a large part of my life to build my confidence to where I want it to be....seems like every time I began to get my feet under me, life would kick them back out.....this did build confidence, but it also was a huge pain in the ass lol......and it took me some time to see how I benefitted from hardship....now, I know I can deal with most anything life can toss at me, but I do like things nice and easy *smiles*....

Level

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 19

RE: What is confidence made of? - 3/13/2006 7:15:32 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

What is confidence? What's it made up of?

There have been many good answers given to this question already. Although this is in a forum directed to Masters and comment is also sought from Mistresses; don't forget, the other side of the coin. Confidence is just as essential in a submissive, and required from a person identifying or desiring to be a slave. You need trust of self identity in both circumstances.

On the Dominant side, with any research at all, you can appreciate that you need to be assertive. That's a trait that can be taken on like an actor takes on a role. You can see that happening all the time. Look around your workplace and I'm sure there are people "in charge" just because they have been there a long time. They don't have the talent or ability to lead people, so they are arrogant assholes. Making sure everyone knows they have "power". They have "positional power", but they have no respect or trust, and they don't provide leadership confidence. If confidence is not a core trait of your personality, you usually can't do it correctly and, in a relationship, you can't do it over a long time. Confidence isn't exhibited by arrogance. But arrogance, especially misplaced arrogance, exhibits lack of confidence. Examples are not permitting a submissive friends, not allowing participation or access to lifestyle sites, prohibiting contact with other lifestyle people, jealousy. You can get away and represent that these rules are simply a Dom/Master's "rights" over his slave. But if you are "confident" that you are "right" the best way to prove it is to allow opposing views. Isolation is not indicative of confidence.

It's more frustrating observing the submissive side. I know not everyone appreciates the "marketing" aspect of finding a lifestyle companion but that really is what it is. You're trying to sell yourself to another. At least you are trying to get them to come into your store and "browse". A profile conveying thoughts similiar to ; "i am a worthless slime not deserving of your spit"; doesn't "sell" to a confident dom. Why would anyone want to own something "worthless"? Same with the prevailing tone of some on the message boards. Has anyone, as an adult, gotten any valued result by whining - "I'm not worthy"? Seeing it as a searching Dom, you know what - you convinced me.

There are common submissive traits differing from dominant traits but one trait is a common denominator - confidence.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 20

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