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how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 12:40:02 PM   
BloodLuna


Posts: 403
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline 		It has been a long time since I've posted.
 
A bit of background.  For 3 months my owner and I shared a slave girl.  For reasons not important to this post she left us.  During the 3 months she was here I was forced to stay in a dominant role.  She had problems serving and so if I went submissive for a moment she got out of control.  My owner and I have been together for 4 years.  She is for the most part kind and laid back and has frankly spoiled me rotten as her Alpha/First girl. 
 
Now she has decided that I have become spoiled and selfish.  I am inclined to agree with her.  I get aggrevated when I have to stop what I'm doing to serve her.  When she gave  me some of my new restrictions (no furniture, naked after the kids are in bed, et) I reacted as if I was being punished.  I got miserable and weepy.
 
So my question is:  How do I conquer my selfish nature?  How do I realign my thoughts and focus from the spoiled self I've been to the giving submissive I should be?  What new thoughts should I use to replace the negative or twisted thinking that I've had in the past.  (I'm first girl, I shouldn't be treated as other slaves, etc) Any advice is greatly appreciated.
 
Luna

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 12:50:59 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BloodLuna

So my question is: How do I conquer my selfish nature? How do I realign my thoughts and focus from the spoiled self I've been to the giving submissive I should be? What new thoughts should I use to replace the negative or twisted thinking that I've had in the past. (I'm first girl, I shouldn't be treated as other slaves, etc) Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Luna


I struggle with selfishness, too. One thing that has helped me is to write a note to myself that I keep in my blackberry that reminds me to put his needs first and has a sort of checklist of my typical selfish behaviors (like seeing things from my perspective only and not putting myself in the other person’s position and imagining how my behavior must appear). When I feel resistance or irritation rising in me, I read that note.

I have another note in my blackberry listing all the reasons I feel honored to submit to my boyfriend. Reading that list when I’m feeling selfish puts things in perspective for me.

I also think that recognizing your selfish nature goes a long way toward conquering it. I have selfish thoughts but I don’t act on them with the same frequency I used to because I recognize them as selfish and know that I will regret acting on them.

Since this is something I struggle with, I’m really looking forward to reading other people’s suggestions.


_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 1:30:06 PM   
GabrielleSlave


Posts: 616
Joined: 9/20/2007
From: in servitude
Status: offline 		i have not been in your exact situation, but i would imagine that being in a more dominant role for as long as three months would have a lasting effect on any 's' type. i know for a fact when Wwe have played with other submissives with me being in the alpha slave role, i have found it initially an effort to go back to being my normal slave self. Granted it only takes a matter of a day or two at the most, but it is an effort none the less.

i would suggest talking to your Owner about your concerns; i think this is something you may need their nurture and guidance on, not just to be ordered around. Remind yourself of why you submitted in the first place, meditate on the reasons you are submissive and whether or not this dominant side is not just a 'selfish' side, but whether in fact it is something that you want to explore.... Above all, i would allow yourself time to readjust to your previous role if this is what you still want.

hugs

gabrielle x

ETA - just read the bit about "new restrictions" i am assuming these are not ones you had prior to the three months. It seems a little harsh to give you new restrictions to take on board when returning to normal from the time that you had all had. The old ones would have been plenty to be getting on with.... Just a thought....

< Message edited by GabrielleSlave -- 11/24/2009 1:33:09 PM >

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 1:31:09 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		don't overcome it, (some agressive thing) that's number one, be aware of it, and let it be in the background, the idea is that you need to become mindful of what it really is causing it, it is not only that you are spoiled and rotten (I am sure you are) but there are other issues afoot here as well, insecurity for instance? not confident?

Relax into it.

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 1:32:30 PM   
elleX


Posts: 161
Joined: 10/24/2009
Status: offline 		 Hi  i agee with lucy,
to recognise been selfish is a first step
we live in a culture where been selfish is often view as a quality, a culture where we should think about ourselfes first
try it this way ; each time that you want to put your toughts and your ideas first , alway allow yourself to take a second look ,,,this had helped me a lot
just my 1 cent
elle X

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 1:52:03 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Luna, I just had another thought. Instead of looking at the new expectations as "restrictions," why not see them as "guidance" or "opportunities" to keep your selfish nature in check?

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 2:08:43 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Have a look at the role you said you'd take when you first got into the relationship........and perhaps your owner could too. It took two to create the situation.

Maybe you're feeling as if you've been encouraged in one direction by being spoiled by your dom, and it feels like you're being punished for the result.

If it was me, I'd just accept it. I wouldn't bother trying to change my nature, as being *unselfish* wasn't required of me anyway. The quicker I got my head around the fact that the *spoiling* wasn't going to continue, the better off I'd be. So yes....I'd be more driven to accepting my lot, as it were.

agirl

ETA...My owner is likely very different to yours but the more fuss I make , the worse things are made for me. He has a way of *helping* me appreciate the current situation, whatever it is.




< Message edited by agirl -- 11/24/2009 2:12:07 PM >

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 4:04:53 PM   
BloodLuna


Posts: 403
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline 		thanks to all so far for the responses. 

Lucy: you're right, perception is a huge problem for me.  Guidance is a much better way to look at the situation than restrictions.  I am not permitted to use furniture except that she does allow me to use my computer chair and sleep in her bed.  The provision for not sitting on furniture is because I have a bad habit of sitting on the bed instead of at her feet where she likes me.  She likes to pet and touch me.  Instead of looking at it as a furniture restriction I should honestly be looking at the privellage of being petted at her feet. 

mnottertail:  I have been very spoiled over the years.  I am freely willing to admit it and am seeking desperately to change that.  But you are absolutely right about my insecurities too.  I have been long convinced that I am a very bad slave.  My fear of loosing that domme side of me also causes me vast insecurity.  Relaxing has never been my strong point.  I am reminded of barelynangel's constant remand to slave girls to "breathe and be"  I will do a search on that and refresh myself with her viewpoint as it hold merit. 

Gabrielle:  my owner is a very loving and gentle person.  I think that I am at a point in my life where she has gentled me enough and I need her strong hand to counter that.  I have been a domme for almost 15 years and it is a hard part of myself to "put away"  But I want to be back at that place where I used to be, where I was serving and content in it.  The restrictions are ones she puts me back into frequently over the years when I am out of hand.  In the past I have taken comfort in them.  for some reason I am reacting in a different way. 


agirl:  thank you - re-examining the start of the relationship in my journal will help remind me why I came into this and how much I love her and my place in my house.

Luna




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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 4:34:50 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		You should be only what you are. To try anything else will only work for a short time then you will be back to your own self.

You would be better off discussing accommodation of your personality and if that does not work you may be better off, in the long run, finding another relationship.

People do not really change inside. They may change outside to please another or out of fear but you will always be yourself.

Butch


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I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 4:43:06 PM   
BloodLuna


Posts: 403
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline 		butch:  I am married to my owner and I love her with my life.  being her submissive is where I belong.  it is my selfishness I am seeking to leave behind me

edit: because I know there will be inevitable questions about how I can be married to my owner, she's a transgender (still with attatchment) and we were married while she was male)

< Message edited by BloodLuna -- 11/24/2009 4:59:30 PM >

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 5:27:19 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BloodLuna

butch:  I am married to my owner and I love her with my life.  being her submissive is where I belong.  it is my selfishness I am seeking to leave behind me

edit: because I know there will be inevitable questions about how I can be married to my owner, she's a transgender (still with attatchment) and we were married while she was male)


If she truly loves you then it will be a simple matter to accommodate You as You...after all she fell in love with you...not your unselfish you but you.

Now I am not saying you should not try to accommodate her wishes as well but she will have to understand her failure to go halfway will only mean continued problems down the line. Would not her willingness to go halfway make it easier for you to change your behavior?

I too wish there were another way…that we could see a problem with ourselves and change it with a thought. But I have not seen it work in my lifetime anyway.

In any event I wish you love and luck

Butch


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Mark Twain:

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 6:09:17 PM   
BloodLuna


Posts: 403
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline 		 Need to post a correction.  Barelynangel's often used quote is "exhale and be." not breathe and be

My bad.

Luna

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 8:11:01 PM   
peachgirl


Posts: 396
Joined: 6/25/2009
Status: offline 		I'm inclined to agree with agirl's advice.  take a look back at the beginning of your relationship and think about what made you decide to be your owner's slave.  what were the qualities they had that made you want to surrender to them?  did it satisfy you then to serve them?  maybe thinking in terms of what they want from you, as opposed to what you want for yourself.  just an idea.  

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Have you seen that girl in the corner?
I'd like to take her out of her chains
Cause if I had my way with you baby
I would be changing your life today.
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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/24/2009 10:21:26 PM   
Underumam


Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline 		Overcoming selfishness is simply taking the focus of one's self. I can't imagine taking ALL focus, ALL the time off myself, as this seems to go against being an individual. I had the privilege of being my daughters full time care giver for eight years, and this helped me learn quite a bit about being there for another before myself. Good luck with your quest op.

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/25/2009 8:03:17 AM   
BloodLuna


Posts: 403
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline 		peach:  thank you.  I've actually started a long journal entry about why I originally accepted my owner's collar and what drives me to be submissive to her.  When it was all new and I was convinced it was what I needed.  I still feel I need this.  I think the key for me is to identify what attitude differences I have between then and now and I agree with mnottertail.  I've just become a spoiled, pampered little princess. 

Underumaam: focus is a good foundation for me to start with.  I think that's what she's trying to do with the new guidelines (thanks lucy) is to remove ego from the situation.

I wonder if cognetive behavioral therapy workbooks would help with this.

Luna

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/25/2009 11:33:21 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		So where was your owner for the last three months while you were the de facto dominant in the relationship? Why wasn't she stepping up to the plate to make sure the other did what she was told instead of you having to?

Now you aren't being submissive. Well of course not. She hasn't earned it. By not taking control of the other girl when it was needed, she lost her position of dominance because for three months she didn't bother to dominate. Or she wasn't able to and didn't recognize that. How can you feel submissive to someone who you've seen roll over when things got tough?

And suddenly it's all your fault and you're selfish? Hardly. Has she accepted any blame for this clusterfuck she set up? Why does she deserve to be dominant over you when you were the leader for three months because she couldn't be?

It's easy to punish you for showing yourself to be stronger and more strong willed when the chips were down. It doesn't solve the problem which is that you've lost trust in her ability to dominate because when she needed to, she couldn't.

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/25/2009 12:15:55 PM   
wisdomtogive


Posts: 636
Joined: 11/13/2009
Status: offline 		Hello BloodLuna and thank you for starting this post.
It is hard to overcome selfishness, and I have been working for years from a spiritual connection with this. Sometimes I will find this 'selfish being' will come out of me when I am not taking care of myself health wise, especially emotionally. This syndrome of the 'me me' is hard to move away from, especially when i am tired and not taking care of myself. It is easier to say oh whatever Sir/Master/ Mistress wants i will do, but it is a different thing though when we just want a few moments of being pamper. Sometimes they will and sometimes not, so for me, i have found ways to help me get out of the me me syndrome. As odd as it  might sound, it is focusing a few minutes on me and what and who i am connected to. When i can feel my connection with the Goddess,  whom I pray too, then i feel a strong connection to the Univers. This aids me in serving others through my work and expression  of all I am.. This then helps me in serving who i am with at that time. Needless to say my boyfreind receives more of a selfless person when i am in this state.

Maybe the above will be something that resonates with you. Best of luck on your discovering the selfless giver.

Blessings
wisdomtogive

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/25/2009 6:45:51 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with DesFIP, although not quite so ... emphatically.

Your mistress needed to discipline the second girl, and why was she allowing you to be dominant? My Sir would never make me be dominant over a second girl - just as well, i'd be bloody awful at it.

If DesFIP's post rings a bell with you , perhaps you could have your lady read it, and the two of you idiscuss it - if for no other reason than that she wouldn't put you in that position again.

and you need to give yourself permission to be human - until your official sainthood is announced, it would be hard not to be exasperated by being pulled away from something you are concentrating on. Sigh, then get your mind right, and go on. (i have to do it all the time at work) It is best to get the annoyance out of your body, hence the sigh.

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/25/2009 6:54:44 PM   
BloodLuna


Posts: 403
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline 		I need to clarify that my Mistress permits me to be dominant because that is part of who I am.  I am submissive only to her but dominant over my own submissives.  I have been a mistress for 15 years and thats a side of me that will never go away. 

I want to refocus the thread.  I am seeking advice on how to overcome my own character defects. My Mistress in my opinion is only responsible for loving me so much that she let ME get out of hand.  She has decided that it is time for me to recommit to service and I AGREE with her.  I choose to move forward, to try to shed the negative aspects of my personality to try to become a better slave.  I don't want this thread to turn into me having to defend my choice in a Mistress.

The focus of this thread is how to overcome ego and give control back to someone I love.  I do not want the focus on this other girl who tried very hard to tear my family apart.

Lily

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RE: how to overcome selfishness - 11/25/2009 7:56:59 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

So where was your owner for the last three months while you were the de facto dominant in the relationship? Why wasn't she stepping up to the plate to make sure the other did what she was told instead of you having to?

Now you aren't being submissive. Well of course not. She hasn't earned it. By not taking control of the other girl when it was needed, she lost her position of dominance because for three months she didn't bother to dominate. Or she wasn't able to and didn't recognize that. How can you feel submissive to someone who you've seen roll over when things got tough?

And suddenly it's all your fault and you're selfish? Hardly. Has she accepted any blame for this clusterfuck she set up? Why does she deserve to be dominant over you when you were the leader for three months because she couldn't be?

It's easy to punish you for showing yourself to be stronger and more strong willed when the chips were down. It doesn't solve the problem which is that you've lost trust in her ability to dominate because when she needed to, she couldn't.


I know you want to refocus the thread, Luna, but I want to address DesFIP's comments above (which were echoed by KiwiSub). I think that whatever role your owner played is her problem to deal with. I admire you for wanting to focus on what you can control, which is your behavior, NOT your owner's.

OK, back to the focus of the thread . . .

Are there particular selfish actions or thoughts you have?

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

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