Jasmyn
Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo
Because of this situation, where I am in control of certain things at certain times, does that make me any less submissive/him less dominant? I personally don't think so, but I am wondering what other people think, as well as how I can get him to make more decisions and everything else. Thanks.
Sweet, many moons ago I had similar issues with a man I was deeply in love with. I remember one incident in particular where he had a few weeks to find a flat. They had given notice at the place he was staying sometime previously and he had done nothing to find himself accommodation. Everytime I would ask had he checked out any places he would fob it off as something he'll get around to doing.
Eventually I suggested would he like me to peruse a few places for him when I visited that week that he could look at after work and he agreed. Great I thought, I was doing something useful for 'master' but the reality of it was it made me wonder just what other areas of our relationship, our life together, his own life that he was willing to let someone else have control over. Even the flat he eventually took he did so on my say.
To confound matters, he was previously married and had spoken often about the marriage and how he did everything his wife wanted to, to keep the peace so to speak, so I was conscious of not doing the 'wifey' thing and letting him take the lead but it seemed ingrained in him to please others, including me and eventually it did affect the d/s side of our relationship.
Now that letting him take the lead thing ...its possible your partner is similar and its just not in his nature to lead and control...and I'm a firm believer taking the lead and controlling those who are led are at the heart of dominance and submission.
If you think of it in terms of a teacher, they have authority over their students, but it is not enough for them to just have authority, they must take control and lead those students over the course of their time together for that authority to be a natural state in that teacher/student exchange. A teacher who doesn't have control or an ability to lead, does still have authority over their students, but it's a clayton's type of authority as it isn't the teacher themself inspiring respect for their position, but their title dictating the students have to listen to/obey them (hope that makes sense).
So while I think it is all nice as pie for people to say things like it's great you're so useful to him and thats what submission is about, making his life easier etc, but him having 'authority' is not enough for you to feel your usefullness (lol again, hope that makes sense) ...so no you are not less submissive but you are definitely feeling a lack of opportunity to feel submissive to him. And you need to talk to him about this.
It may be something as simple as keeping the status quo but setting aside set periods of time where you are 'in role' as a constant thing for that period...or something as soul searching as him figuring out whether or not he really does have any desire to be a dominant in control 24/7...and you, can you give up the desire for 24/7 if it's not his nature to do so...or can you both be happy with a slow exploration of the kink world ... there is soooooo much out there where you don't have to define yourselves as a 'dom/sub couple' ...but rather two people who enjoy the hedonistic world of B&D, S&M, etc without the m/s label.
Good luck, I know from experience, the place you are in right now can be quite the emotional mindfield.
< Message edited by Jasmyn -- 3/14/2006 6:03:03 AM >
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"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.
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