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CarrieO -> RE: I seem like a passive Domme?!? (11/28/2009 8:00:04 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn
You bring up a very interesting dilemma because I don't know if a lot of people realize how hard it is to actually make that connection right from the start from either side of the coin.
This is so true. For those who are looking for more than just a quick meet and beat, this is a very real and , gasp, very vanilla problem.
In the past, I used to go on coffee dates with dominants, and I'd come away from a date or two thinking, "this woman isn't dominant at all", and it's really hard to get beyond that thought when in a public setting both people are being as cordial as possible, and both potential partners are going out of their way to keep the other person from jumping ship.
I've been very guilty of not following up on a potential connection because of this exact thing, and weeks later I kick myself because I then realize that maybe it had nothing to do with dominance but just politeness.
There are many people, on both sides, who view politeness as a weakness. I've had doms who have told me they never go out of their way to show a kindness to a woman because they feel it makes them look "weak and wimpy".
At the same time, on the other side of the coin, I've had potential dominants tell me that they are no longer interested because they just didn't see my "submissiveness" in our conversations we had together, when we were at that same moment of two people just trying to see if the other person is interesting enough to see a second or third time.
I've been guilty of this, again on both sides. That's why, when I meet a man who identifies as submissive, I ask that he use my name...not a title. Until a agreed upon dynamic is in place, I see us as simply two people getting to know each other. It really does come down to that connection...the chemistry...for me.
This kind of thing is so hard because I think both sides make mortal errors here, and it's all about initial observations that may or may not translate to actual personalities.
So true.
Unfortunately, most responses to this sort of thing are usually "just wait and see" or "dump him and look for someone else" when in reality, I think there's a much bigger problem here that would be nice to see people actually explore.
I think the idea of "wait and see" is a good one if the person you're meeting has many of the traits you look for. I'm of the belief that domanince and submission are inspired ( on a side note, there's an interesting thread on the General BDSM board HERE that discusses this very idea of inspired vs automatic ) and I don't feel dominance for every man I meet...and sometimes not for the first, second or even third date. I do believe it's important to have certain things in mind you're looking for, though, as a base to start from. It does take time for some women...and men.
Perhaps there is some kind of middle ground, but I have yet to find it, and I'm not exactly somebody with no experience or someone who just fantasizes about submission rather than lives the lifestyle. The point being: This is a problem that a lot of people find themselves in, and unfortunately it tends to end mostly badly rather than the way we would hope it would.
This post gave me some definite food for thought and I would be curious to know how others feel about it. Thank you, littlesarbonn.
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