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Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/28/2009 10:52:43 PM

QueenPenelope

Posts: 29
Joined: 11/23/2009
From: South Carolina
Status: offline

Have you ever come across a woman sub who at first seemed she wanted a Dom but then was more looking for a father figure? I have known this Dom for almost 3 years and he has told me that he is having a hard time with his sub, that she acts immature and more like she is looking for a father not a Dom. She cries when he does not pay her any attention and will even break things to get his attention. If he is gone from home and she does not know where he is she will call him hundreds of times screaming and crying and begging for him to come home. He said he wants to end the relationship but is afraid if he does she will possibly harm herself. Has this happened to you and if so what did you do to end the relationship?

_____________________________

I wont argue with you. If good bye help you......Good bye.

Post #: 1

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/28/2009 11:55:57 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

She's the dom- not him.

What he can do to end the relationship: throw her out or move away. Get a restraining order, change the locks/phone #, etc. Cut off all contact.

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(in reply to QueenPenelope)

Post #: 2

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 2:41:55 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Sounds like he hooked up with a woman he didn't know much about and he relinquished control and is now faced with a massive case of topping from the bottom.

I'm assuming that he wants the relationship to continue, if he can do it on his own terms.

He needs to sit her down and explain to her that she has broken several rules of his. Spank her nice and hard after each talk, one per rule. And pointedly ignore her afterward for a set amount of time, to drive the message home.

Then he needs to pay her some attention. Not 24/7, but she's feeling neglected and the two of them need to work out how much she needs and how much he's able/willing to give.

She may be insecure and needy, but he got himself into this and with proper handling might be able to turn it around.

And this is NOT a Daddy/ Dom type of relationship. It's a confused and ineffective Dom/needy and unstable sub kind of relationship.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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Post #: 3

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 3:11:10 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
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This "sub" sounds like a dog I used to have; it'd go apeshit when I went out anywhere.

OP, when your "dom" friend comes home, are there shredded and torn papers strewn everywhere? Poo in the corner?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 4

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 4:58:55 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Agree with the majority, the Dom needs to grow a pair & get this girl under control.

In fact, even if they weren't D/s, she needs a good slap

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 5

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 6:15:52 AM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

I had one once. I tried the empathy approach, and working with her on her emotional issues. I even made her get professional therapy. In the end, I decided dodging crockery, and having to use physical force to restrain someone that was obviously psychological unstable, was not for me, so I showed her the door.

In a "nilla" relationship once I ran into something similar, but luckily she had not moved in, so I just stopped calling or seeing her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenPenelope

Have you ever come across a woman sub who at first seemed she wanted a Dom but then was more looking for a father figure? I have known this Dom for almost 3 years and he has told me that he is having a hard time with his sub, that she acts immature and more like she is looking for a father not a Dom. She cries when he does not pay her any attention and will even break things to get his attention. If he is gone from home and she does not know where he is she will call him hundreds of times screaming and crying and begging for him to come home. He said he wants to end the relationship but is afraid if he does she will possibly harm herself. Has this happened to you and if so what did you do to end the relationship?

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to QueenPenelope)

Post #: 6

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 6:50:26 AM

WyckedIndulgence

Posts: 153
Joined: 8/17/2005
Status: offline

This type of situation isn't exclusive to male doms... been there, done that, yada, yada. Unfortunately, it's difficult to truly know someone until they are in your presence and living under your roof 24/7. All too often, the time we take to "get to know you" beforehand isn't going to reveal the dark ugly secrets, insecurities and emotional baggage people don't wish to share until after a relationship/dynamic begins and even the best laid plans to fix the problem may not resolve the issue(s).

It's important to know your personal limits and not allow yourself to become a doormat to someone else's inner turmoil. It will destroy you both if you allow it and where's the fun in that? If patience has run it's course, the problem continues and s/he has made no significant improvement in fixing what's broken, it's time to show her/him the door, if for nothing more than your own sanity and peace of mind.

_____________________________

Give it up boy... some days it's just not worth chewing through the restraints!

(in reply to OrionTheWolf)

Post #: 7

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 7:34:38 AM

MsSpookshow

Posts: 5
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

quote:

OP, when your "dom" friend comes home, are there shredded and torn papers strewn everywhere? Poo in the corner?

I just spewed diet caffiene free coke on my keyboard cuz of you!

~MsSpook~

< Message edited by MsSpookshow -- 11/29/2009 7:36:26 AM >

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 8

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 7:40:27 AM

rockspider

Posts: 633
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline

LOL OMG. Do you mean the wannabee subs who want to move in imidiately? And has millions of problems with the ex, the taxman, creditcard bureau, no job and god knows what else. I had a few off those. Fuck them and trow them out again ASAP. Or if spotted getting cloose, keep the front door bolted. But they can be very persuasive in the beginning.

(in reply to WyckedIndulgence)

Post #: 9

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 7:40:44 AM

CaringandReal

Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

This is an issue submissives could offer you some insight on as well. Many of us who are not as bad off as the person you are describing suffer from insecurity or strong dependence. It's inherent in these types of relationships, and almost all of us experience the emotions of fear and abandonment. As Level said, even pets experience this. It's usually not without reason. Things that happened to a person or a pet in the past cause them to act this way. They get varying degress of abandonment sickness. This woman has a very bad case of this. She has very little self-control and it sounds like your friend encouraged or indulged that tendency. Whether it's best for your dom friend to leave her or not is something he'll need to weigh carefully: if she gives him lots of good stuff that he needs as well, it might be worth trying to work through this problem, although given how extreme things have become, I'd say he's got a fearsome job of discipline and retraining ahead of him.

I see you've been posting questions recently to the message boards. A small piece of advice: I hope you realize that some of the superficially "reasoned" responses you get to questions are often nothing of the sort. Let's take this issue: the people who are screaming in a knee-jerk fashion to "dump the bitch as fast as he can" are often doing so because they have had this sort of person happen to them once upon a time. They are having an emotional reaction to what you say, talking out of bad memories, perhaps even out of a desire to "get revenge" on a person long-gone--and since that person is long gone, a scapegoat or substitute will do: someone they can pigeonhole as "one of HER type!" You can tell these sorts of responses from others by the high emotion, the violent near vicious way they encourage one behavior or another. Take such advice with a big grain of salt. It's tainted, I'm afraid.

I've experienced something like this secondhand a number of times. Dominants I've known quite well, including my own former master, have fallen prey to this sort of person and been made miserable. When insecurity and fear and even anger are rampaging unchecked, it becomes very hard to get control of a submissive. It is also hard for a submissive to change such behavior while they are in the relationship with the dominant because the dominant, often without realizing it, is responding to it in ways that support it. She may not even realize that something in her needs to be changed, must be changed. She may think it's her natural right to be this way or just part of what submissives do. Sadly, it often takes a few bitter losses before any person will start the painful process of self-examination and self-blame, two things essential to self-change. So a dominant can choose to try to change it for her: this is the hard road: it is very tough to do with an emotionally unstable person after such a pattern has set in and she expects to be able to indulge in her emotions. It's impossible to do if she cannot or will not cooperate with it. But perhaps it's worth doing if the dominant thinks the submissive has other redeeming qualities to bring to the relationship that would make such effort--on both their parts--worthwhile.

The easier road, of course (relatively easier--it is also hard in its own way and fraught with pain) is to disengage. The thing anybody has to do when they disengage with a partner in an emotionally fraught situation (and I'm surprised and a little dismayed your dom friend doesn't know this already) is to not cave into emotional blackmail. An explicit or implied suicide or self-harm threat is blackmail, a threat intended to keep a person tied to a relationship that they want out of it. You cannot give in to such things or let them bear particularly strongly on your decision or you're trapping yourself into a life of powerlessness (that's why it suprised me to hear you mention that part of his story: while it's a concern, it isn't something most dominants would ever let themselves be dragged down into, unless they were madly and hopelessly in love with the creature doing the dragging). But you didn't say that she's made this threat, I noticed. Just that he's afraid of it. That's good, maybe things haven't progressed that far. But if they do, he needs to be prepared and be ready to face it.

One other piece of advice: someone who is capable of emotional blackmail is capable of other types of blackmail. If the sub is still fertile, I recommend your friend take extraordinary care.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to WyckedIndulgence)

Post #: 10

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 7:57:44 AM

LanceHughes

Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline

The ones that are saying "dump her" will agree, I'm sure, with:

"I am your dominant, not your psychiatrist."

The woman in question obviously has psychological problems.

I would suggest you pass that cliche on to your friend. And here's another:

"You have to be right for yourself before you can be right for me."

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

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Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to CaringandReal)

Post #: 11

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/29/2009 8:32:04 AM

PainfullyCurious

Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline

I'm noticing that by the time an experienced Dom posts on here, assuming he knows what he's doing, he's only at his wits end because the problem he is describing is emotional in nature, not behavioral.

Emotion does not respond to your attempts at behavior modification. It never will. Then to go so far as to say: "she is the Dom" or "she doesn't want to be a sub anymore" Well it just screams: "I'm still thinking behaviorally about something emotional."

If you want to step away because you can't handle, or prefer not to handle, someone who has not yet mastered her traumas and her emotion, then that's certainly an option. Please however, refrain from doing more damage to her by trying to apply behavior modification techniques where they are sure to fail if used alone. You can not spank out feelings of anxiety and neglect. DarkSteven is right about a two-pronged approach.

Emotional issues sometimes do and sometimes do not require professional help. OP- It's up to you to decide if you want to rise to this new challenge, or if you want to part ways and stick with what's comfortable for you. Either way, I assure you that you're not a bad Dom with an out of control sub like those who would walk away from a sub like this might say, you're just in new territory altogether.

I'm going to start a separate post about this.

(in reply to MsSpookshow)

Post #: 12

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 8:36:27 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSpookshow

quote:

OP, when your "dom" friend comes home, are there shredded and torn papers strewn everywhere? Poo in the corner?

I just spewed diet caffiene free coke on my keyboard cuz of you!

~MsSpook~

I'm not responsible for ruined keyboards! At least I didn't suggest hitting her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to MsSpookshow)

Post #: 13

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 9:16:41 AM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenPenelope
Has this happened to you and if so what did you do to end the relationship?

"I'm leaving."

That was pretty effective when I used it.

(in reply to QueenPenelope)

Post #: 14

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/29/2009 12:32:45 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PainfullyCurious

I'm noticing that by the time an experienced Dom posts on here, assuming he knows what he's doing, he's only at his wits end because the problem he is describing is emotional in nature, not behavioral.

Emotion does not respond to your attempts at behavior modification. It never will. Then to go so far as to say: "she is the Dom" or "she doesn't want to be a sub anymore" Well it just screams: "I'm still thinking behaviorally about something emotional."

If you want to step away because you can't handle, or prefer not to handle, someone who has not yet mastered her traumas and her emotion, then that's certainly an option. Please however, refrain from doing more damage to her by trying to apply behavior modification techniques where they are sure to fail if used alone. You can not spank out feelings of anxiety and neglect. DarkSteven is right about a two-pronged approach.

Emotional issues sometimes do and sometimes do not require professional help. OP- It's up to you to decide if you want to rise to this new challenge, or if you want to part ways and stick with what's comfortable for you. Either way, I assure you that you're not a bad Dom with an out of control sub like those who would walk away from a sub like this might say, you're just in new territory altogether.

I'm going to start a separate post about this.

this is an awesome post.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to PainfullyCurious)

Post #: 15

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/29/2009 12:49:56 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

There are a percentage of people within the D/s BDSM realm that are here because it allows them to have a crutch. She's someone that has no control over her own life, can't make her own decisions and every day is a drama filled dilemma. I call them "Cinderella Subs".

The bottome line is that it doesn't matter what he does as a Dominant, because she's not really submissive. She's just looking for someone to run her life and then blame for all the problems.

Part two: if she harms herself it's her choice. He can't take on that baggage. He needs to do what's right for him.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to breatheasone)

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RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/29/2009 2:13:21 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Drive her to a psych ward and say good bye.

I realize that is a harsh statment, but playing that insecure... will she or won't she... letting her call the shots according to her wounds/pain/dysfunction and all that is a game I will not play. She is either ready for an adult relationship or not and the dom is either ready for an adult and gets to know an adult and then knows what to do if deceived somehow or he isn't ready. But either way, it is the same result... drive to a place equiped to handle her problems and say good bye. Then take some time to evaluate why one accepted such nonsense in the first place.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 17

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happend to you? - 11/29/2009 2:21:17 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenPenelope

Have you ever come across a woman sub who at first seemed she wanted a Dom but then was more looking for a father figure? I have known this Dom for almost 3 years and he has told me that he is having a hard time with his sub, that she acts immature and more like she is looking for a father not a Dom. She cries when he does not pay her any attention and will even break things to get his attention. If he is gone from home and she does not know where he is she will call him hundreds of times screaming and crying and begging for him to come home. He said he wants to end the relationship but is afraid if he does she will possibly harm herself. Has this happened to you and if so what did you do to end the relationship?

Sounds like someone needs anger mangement classes and possibly therapy of some sort

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to QueenPenelope)

Post #: 18

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/29/2009 7:06:13 PM

PainfullyCurious

Posts: 157
Joined: 10/26/2009
Status: offline

Beatheasone - Thank You.

OG- That's funny. I used to use the term "Cinderella Syndrome" to refer to someone who had a bad childhood and now hates their s.o. for not stepping in like prince charming and handing them a perfect life. Similar. I like your take on it.

(in reply to breatheasone)

Post #: 19

RE: Male Doms: Has this ever happened to you? - 11/29/2009 8:21:19 PM

Kat713

Posts: 134
Joined: 8/31/2008
Status: offline

I very much agree with the post made by CaringandReal and also DarkSteven's post. This is a very tough situation, but depending on how much effort your Dom friend and his submissive are willing to put into it, this can either be a great a learning experience for both parties and be resolved beautifully, or it can be a bitch of a breakup that might end up with someone getting hurt. Or as she mentioned, the Dom could end up being blackmailed and doomed to stay because of threats of self harm and/or a baby. (Yikes!) This situation is gonna take some communication (and there have obviously already been issues with that, so tread carefully and try not to send anymore mixed signals), patience (something which, as a Dom, your friend should already possess and which his sub clearly does not) and definitely some understanding from both the Dominant and the submissive.

First thing's first though, your Dom friend should sit down and have a long think with himself and decide how much he cares about this girl (he must care a lot anyway if he is worried she will harm herself). If, as others have said, there are some redeemable qualities about her (she's incredibly sweet, makes him feel complete, gives a damn good blow job, yaddy yaddy ya whatever), then he should be willing to put the effort in to making this a good relationship again. The submissive might not know she is doing anything wrong. Maybe your Dom friend has just been letting her do it and it has slowly started to grate on his nerves till the point where he can't take it anymore. I myself have experienced something similar to this in a past vanilla relationship. I was clingy and insecure and although the guy was okay with it in the beginning, soon he began to lose patience and just kind of ended up throwing it into my face. And of course I felt shocked, kinda like "Well you were ok with it then, what's the problem now??

" So I think your Dom friend should be careful when bringing it up, because she might not know he had a problem with it. Or.. she could have dragged out all of her baggage once she got into a more serious relationship with him, in which case he might be more justified in throwing her recent behavior in her face, but just in case, it's just best to play nice. Just sit her down and tell her firmly, and let her know that he isn't trying to break up with her (very important!) but that it is just really bothering him and ask her what he can do to help (super important!!).

Remember, this situation isn't just the Dominant's responsibility. But since he is the one that has a problem with it, I do feel it is his responsibility to bring it up and take the first step towards resolving it. Oftentimes, I find men are not willing to put effort into fixing a problem in a relationship. But if he really cares about her, then it shouldn't be too difficult for him to step up and take a stab at it (be careful not to get too frustrated with her, and take that literally lol).

(in reply to PainfullyCurious)

Post #: 20

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