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RE: communication problem......help! - 3/17/2004 3:09:33 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Midear Bijou-

sorry to be jumping in so late- and I am sorry to hear of the way things have worked out.

I'd feel that the posting of the pics was a mistep on his part- I am assuming that they did show your face, or 'out' you in some way. It was wrong, sure, but it was something that I'd have thought could have been worked through. That being a given, I'd feel that any reaction of yours, short of throwing crockery, shouldn't have ended the relationship.

The ummm....erotic.... photos that I have taken of those wearing my collar are mine, though I have always returned them if asked. I'd check, though, before putting them online. I'd recommend that anytime in the future, you state how you'd feel about them being diseminated at the time they were taken.

As to always being in a good mood- I can't imagine that being a condition of the relationship. I may own a girl body and soul, but unless I am so good that I can cheer her up no matter what, if she's unhappy, she's unhappy (if she's throwing crockery, that's another story....).

I am sure in time you'll see this as a good lesson to have learned, but I know that now, it just hurts.

don't forget- we're all here.

stay warm,
Lawrence

< Message edited by topcat -- 3/18/2004 10:28:11 AM >

(in reply to hisbijou)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/17/2004 7:56:14 PM   
hisbijou


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		thank You for writing. no, the picture did not "out" me, although i think i have a most magnificent body part. (HAHA) i'm a nurse, so parts is parts to me...i think had it happened on a good day, when i was feeling all hot and loved and loving, none of this mess would have happened. As it was, i had bad dreams the night before, which i found unsettling, and i had seen a movie (Kissing Jessica Stein) which reminded me of how shut out i was from parts of His life, and when i told Him about the movie, He stated that we had to take it slow. It's been a year. the bottom line is....i am someone who needs to be able to express herself. i love being a submissive, but i cannot be told how to feel. i loved Him well. still love Him. i cannot deal with the constant threat of His releasing me. it's done. it is His creation. i accept it, and this time, i will not try to fight it.
bijou

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/17/2004 7:59:22 PM   
hisbijou


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		just to clarify something. there was no drama in the meeting. it was just conversations, no raised voices. a few tears from me perhaps, but silent ones. there was no disrespect on either side. ....

(in reply to hisbijou)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/17/2004 9:10:14 PM   
Borcher


Posts: 11
Joined: 2/10/2004
From: Tennessee
Status: offline 		Fact is, from what seems to have been stated, that they agreed her pics, if posted elsehwere, would be done in an anonymous fashion. They were not, hence the consternation and sense of trust and agreement being breeched.

Old Guard or not, new to the lifestyle or not, if there is an understanding that things will happen one way and they do not, the offended party certainly has a right to express dissaticfaction.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/18/2004 7:25:01 AM   
sweetieboop


Posts: 84
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I haven't read all the responses for this thread yet, as I don't have time right now. However, I wanted to respond to you before I go. I don't think you should be de-valued by your Dom's actions. I think that you should feel admired. My take on the situation is that he wants to show you off to the world and is very proud of you. I do think though that you should be able to voice your opinions about it and he should want to make you comfortable. If that means taking the pictures down, so be it. This is assuming that you are his sub, not a slave. If he is looking at you as a slave, then you are his property and unless you have something in your contract that says anything about this, he may do what he pleases. I can see if you expressed a fear of being exposed to people that you are in the lifestyle, but your reason for not wanting them up is because you are picky about who views them because you don't want to be viewed by people you see as not worthy of looking at you. So if you are a slave, you don't have that option. I think that any time you take pictures, write letters to people, make videos, any kind of permanent records, you should always ask yourself, "How can this effect me later on." This way you can say upfront, "if this happens, then I'd like to go about things this way." Does that make sense? I hope I have been helpful to you. :)
BTW, IMO it doesn't seem like his communication skills are very good. It almost looks to me as if he was looking for an excuse to push you away.

(in reply to hisbijou)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/18/2004 7:37:25 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

He stated that we had to take it slow. It's been a year.


Maybe it's just me, but someone who's holding back, or shutting you out after a year, has other issues.

If you are expected to give all- right down to your emotional state, I believe there should be some parity there.

As milady Carolyn used to say "AFGE" - Another Fuckin' Growth Experiance.

stay warm,
Lawrence

(in reply to hisbijou)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: communication problem moot point trivia - 3/18/2004 7:47:36 AM   
londonswitch


Posts: 77
Joined: 3/1/2004
Status: offline 		A moot point is a lovely piece of middle English. Anglo-Saxon moots were community meetings of varying sizes and stature, depending on the physical geographies they drew their members from. Discussion was made of topics in these, and usually had some form of civil and/or judicial weight to them. So something put up for a moot was still open for discussion. I seem to recall reading it may stretch back to the Vikings.

American lawyers have used it for a few decades to designate a hypothetical or irrelvant point in a training-level debate, in other words, something that is not actually worth debating. Ignore them

I think yours is a moot point in the lovely old sense. I mean, look, we're all enjoying discussing it and learning about 'law' and 'community' from it.

Your experience is certainly not irrelevant. nadine

(in reply to hisbijou)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/18/2004 10:08:39 AM   
hisbijou


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		thank You Lawrence. yes, there are other issues. One is that i think He wants to explore now. i am not willing to explore in all the ways that He has fantasized about. i am willing to let Him go explore, without a whimper. i have boxed up His things and will hold them for one week before i mail them back. i don't want them around. i felt beautiful, but now i feel like i was used.
been here before
bijou

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: communication problem moot point trivia - 3/18/2004 10:09:53 AM   
hisbijou


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		thank You for Your explanation. i appreciate that. it's funny how one can say lots of words, even using them in a kind of appropriate context without knowing what the heck they mean! love to You,
bijou

(in reply to londonswitch)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/18/2004 5:47:16 PM   
hisbijou


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		dear sweetieboop, i appreciate your thoughts as well, and agree with much of what You say. i do not consider myself to be a slave, but a submissive, albeit one who has not had a lot of strict training. i think sometimes i am just a submissive woman. it all gets so hard......love to you
bijou

(in reply to sweetieboop)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/19/2004 10:28:03 AM   
MistressKiss


Posts: 295
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

The Dominant felt "corrected" by the submissive, and now is in a funk. i think communication is paramount not just in the lifestyle, but in EVERY relationship and when one partner shuts down, what is the other one left to do? am i stepping out of my role to express myself on this item?


The Dominant needs to drop the ego if he feels "corrected". This must not have been a pre-negotiated act and pictures on the internet can lead to misconceptions as well as job losses, custody battles, and a host of other problems, especially if the picture is in any way pornographic. Some people just don't understand our kink. Especially judges and juries.
That's ironic considering that true lifestylers are probably some of the safest people out there.

Anyway, the Dominant should have definitely discussed this with the submissive first. Communication, first. My dad taught me a great saying that I have used all my life..."If in doubt...don't".

I know, I know, there are going to be people who believe that the Dominant can do exactly as he/she wants, but my stance is that the Dom must first and foremost protect the emotional, mental, and physical health of the submissive. This was obviously an emotional or mental issue to the sub and may have injured the submissive emotionally, or mentally. That can be as harsh as a smack on the ass with a single tail.




Attachment (1)

_____________________________

"I assure you, Your Honor, I don't have to practice...I'm very good at them..."
(The Marquis de Sade at one of his trials for the sexual perversities he practiced)

(in reply to hisbijou)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/19/2004 7:30:34 PM   
hisbijou


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		what has injured me has been my being released, for "ruining His fun". ...which i did do. i regret the entire thing, but even though my heart hurts, my body aches for HIm, i look ahead. if the Gift is not appreciated, it needs to go to someone else.
i'll be looking for the One to appreciate me.
love to You
bijou

(in reply to MistressKiss)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/19/2004 7:40:23 PM   
wildpony


Posts: 15
Joined: 1/28/2004
Status: offline 		i'm a sub so you're not asking me, but here's what i think: you have the right to express your opinion always but you have to go about it respectfully and with the right attitude, and never, never, never make it sound like you are yelling at Him. now of course i am dying to ask where to find the pictures!

(in reply to hisbijou)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: communication problem......help! - 3/20/2004 9:31:24 PM   
hisbijou


Posts: 41
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		hi wild pony....no, i believe that respect is paramount. i was respectful in my words to Him....what was DIS respectful was that i ruined His fun. be well
bijou


Please announce this case is closed.

(in reply to wildpony)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: communication problem......help! - 4/15/2004 4:49:21 AM   
Soulminder


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/13/2004
Status: offline 		hi bijou. sorry this is so late but i JUST read your question. I'm new here. i think one thing you can learn from this is that you just defined another limit for yourself that you should use to select your next dom and in any other relationship. remember that you and only you set your limits. if you don't recognize one that you have then you are bound to be hurt. that's not to say it was your 'fault'. it wasn't. good luck.

Rob

(in reply to hisbijou)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: communication problem......help! - 4/15/2004 10:53:12 AM   
LadyBeckett


Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline 		I've just read this entire thread, and while there has been a lot of great input here (no doubt about it!) I have to say that Mistress Dread said exactly what needed to be said there. A relationship cannot exist without communication, balance, agreement, and communcation, communication, communication. I said it in the beginning of the sentence and several times at the end of the sentence on purpose.

While the subject may be closed for bijou (and I certainly wish you luck in your future endeavors), it is still wide open for many others. There is no excuse for someone not to know things these days. There are literally volumes of information available to anyone who wants to take the time to read, on any given subject. Including BDSM and D/s. Not to mention sites just like this where anyone can ask questions and actually get answers from those who are in the lifestyle!

We make time for what is important to us.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to Soulminder)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: communication problem......help! - 4/15/2004 7:24:17 PM   
Voltare


Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline 		Hmm... I dont have time to read the whole thread, but jumping on the bandwagon saying the Dom is immature is a bit like sayijng that just because it's wet outside, that it always rains in Santiago (it doesnt, trust me.)

One instance, does not make a person immature... though if he doesnt care to, as you said, iron the matters out, perhaps there is a greater issue at hand.

If the relationship is important to the people involved, the people involved will work things out. If it is not, then perhaps it simply was not meant to be...

I do wish you the best in finding your way.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to LadyBeckett)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: communication problem......help! - 4/27/2004 6:09:59 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Gloria. i have more questions than i have answers. i just want a break from thinking right now....(i can't think about that right now, i'll think about that tomorrow....) although my feelings are hurt, slightly.....i just feel a little pissed off that He doesn't value me and want to keep me forever, the way HE SAID He did... but i have been hurt in this relationship before, a few times, and vowed that one more time would be too much for me. i think i am prepared to move on. however, i do want to learn what i can from this.


Actions speak louder than words. My two D/s relationships ended rather badly for various reasons I dont need to go in to, but one of the things which happened in them is what she said frequently belied what she ended up doing.

Say what you mean.
Mean what you say.

Sinergy

(in reply to hisbijou)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: communication problem......help! - 12/24/2004 9:42:44 PM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I so adore to communicate miscommunications

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: communication problem......help! - 12/26/2004 4:41:09 PM   
MC2044


Posts: 31
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		Sometimes we dominants assume our vision, our point-of-view, our desires, our courses of action are shared by the sub/slave. Well we all know what assuming does for a relationship. Open and honest communication is needed to build and maintain trust. If you speak but are not heard, then you are not communicating. What you do is up to you; only you know how to take care of yourself, but a failure to communicate often leads to disaster.

(in reply to hisbijou)
Profile   Post #: 40
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