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emotional connection - 3/15/2006 2:51:29 PM   
Sub03


Posts: 600
Joined: 4/30/2005
Status: offline 		Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom?? What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you?? Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something?? What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?? Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything?? Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??

Sorry if this is in the wrong area.....wasnt sure where to post it.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 3:01:19 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Not sure Sub03. Some Doms i've met on here have shown true concern for thier subs in training, or under consideration. A few Doms that have known of my situation have shown a real connection and caring understanding all though they do not own me.

Last night I was speaking to a Dom friend <refraze.. crying on his shoulder> I felt bad, told him I was sorry for pouring out my own problems to him. As soon as I clamed up, he just pulled them out. Wanting me to know he cared.

But then there are some out there that do not want the connection of emotions. Only the mental and physical. I met one Dom last year who was oh so concerned about me. Everytime we spoke, he would ask about my health. When I stated in pain, or what ever he would say I'm sorry, and right away try to get me to serve him. Reguardless if I was able to or not. And if not, he had no time for me at all. Needless to say, that relationship didn't build into much of anything.... LOL

So Again i'm sure you're gonna hear more of this.. it's gonna depend on the dynamics (Lord i've been hanging around CM too much.. use to not even know that word let alone it's meaning.. lmao) of the ones involved. Sorry if my response doesn't help you understand or know more.

Jessica

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to Sub03)
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RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 3:02:11 PM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sub03

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom?? What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you?? Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something?? What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?? Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything?? Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??


Being willing to listen is the hallmark of a friend. I wouldn't accept the submission of someone I wouldn't have as a friend.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 3:37:30 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Only you can define what type of connection you need.

Some Doms are more "tops" than doms. There's nothing wrong with being a top. But you may be disappointed if you are seeking a deeper connection that deals with control and power exchange beyond kinky sex. A lot of what you are talking about really depends on the type of relationship you are in. How intimate are you on an emotional/mental level? Some just prefer the physical topping and don't go much beyond that.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 3:39:38 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I have said a few times. I can Top someone I don't care for but I couldn't be her Master. Play partners are transient, it is all about the one off scene, the physical buzz. That is a simple straight forward, no-strings BDSM encounter between two passing ships in the night. When I have a play partner, I maybe *A* Dom but I am not HER Dom.

D/s relationship... oh look, there is that word "Relationship"! Don't know about others but to me that implys an emotional connection. Can she come to me when she is upset? Hell, friends can and do come to me when they are upset, my girl is a friend and then more, she isn't just allowed to, she would be expected to!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 4:01:16 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I will give you my perspective as a Dominant


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sub03

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom??



Most definitely.... I also can't imagine not having an emotional connection with my slaves. Emotional connection is very important to me... as well as intellectual, physical and spiritual

quote:


What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you??


Ok little confused by what you mean here.... How is it he is your Dom and your not collared? What is the difference for you on the person being your Dom and you not being collared as compared to being your Dom and being collared to him?


quote:


Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something??


Generally speaking.. Yes... just like the Dominant should beable to come to the submissive if he/she has a problem or is upset about something. Keep in mind that we are not always in the mood or state of mind to talk... just because one wants to talk doesn't mean the other person is ready to listen at that given moment... and vice vrs.

quote:


What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?? Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything??


Is this an isolated situation... or is it a consistent problem... both are different issues. The first you should beable to disregard rather quickly.... we all have bad moments or days maybe one or the other was alittle off and it affected the communication at that time.

now if it is a consistent problem... you need to take a serious honest look at what behaviors are occuring by both parties... Possible you might need to ask for third party involvement. Slippery slope asking for others thou.... if you asking someone just to support you view...well really are you asking to solve the issue or just prove your not the problem. It's a hard problem/issue to deal with... no answer is going to be completely right... and if you asking because you have a particular reason... i have to wonder... you looking to validate a particular thought... becareful what you are trying to validate to your personal situation from vague questions and apply them to your specific sitaution. There always seems to be exceptions to the rules so to speak.


quote:


Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??


just because others might not want an intense or even significant emotional connection in their D/s relationship doesn't make them wrong... or make it just kinky sex. We are individuals with personal perferences. I perfer an very intense emotional connection.. some do not... neither is the best way.... but it is a better way for ourselves whatever way that is. If you find that the emotional connection is not on the same level... then you might need to reconsider the relationship. But, please avoid negative reference or judgement... just because the person's need or want of an emotional connection is different than yours.


_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 4:12:28 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline 		Personally, I have little use for a girl who does not contain deeply rooted feelings in her service to me. With only a fraction of the engines whirring up in the mind and body, the experience is notably less dimensional. Submission can of course exist in an emotionless vaccum, but such interactions are often transient and far less reliable.

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 4:16:46 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom??


For me there has to be an emotional bond, with out it I can't build the trust and open communication I require to be happy in that relationship.

quote:

Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something??


I insist that they come to me, even if it seems small or petty, if it's something that is bothering them then it's an issue we will work on together.

quote:

What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?? Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything??


If I'm busy or in a not so good mood at the time... it's been known to happen... I'll tell them and ask if it would be possible to talk about it later. That is unless it's something that they really feel the need to clarify immediately... then I do my best to put my mood aside.

Define drama... if it's "Such and such kept staring at me!!", ok yeah, that's drama for the sake of drama... but if it is a legit concern... it isn't drama. We want anyone in our collar to know that they can come to us and talk about anything that is bothering them with no fear of reprimand.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 4:25:03 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnWarren


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sub03

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom?? What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you?? Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something?? What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?? Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything?? Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??


Being willing to listen is the hallmark of a friend. I wouldn't accept the submission of someone I wouldn't have as a friend.


Nicely said.

Level

(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 4:30:55 PM   
Sub03


Posts: 600
Joined: 4/30/2005
Status: offline 		[/quote]
Ok little confused by what you mean here.... How is it he is your Dom and your not collared? What is the difference for you on the person being your Dom and you not being collared as compared to being your Dom and being collared to him?
[/quote]

Well He hasn't collared me but I have been serving Him for awhile.

[/quote]
Is this an isolated situation... or is it a consistent problem... both are different issues. The first you should beable to disregard rather quickly.... we all have bad moments or days maybe one or the other was alittle off and it affected the communication at that time.

now if it is a consistent problem... you need to take a serious honest look at what behaviors are occuring by both parties... Possible you might need to ask for third party involvement. Slippery slope asking for others thou.... if you asking someone just to support you view...well really are you asking to solve the issue or just prove your not the problem. It's a hard problem/issue to deal with... no answer is going to be completely right... and if you asking because you have a particular reason... i have to wonder... you looking to validate a particular thought... becareful what you are trying to validate to your personal situation from vague questions and apply them to your specific sitaution. There always seems to be exceptions to the rules so to speak.[/quote]

It's actually a consistent problem. I feel like whenever I go to Him with a problem He either dosen't want to get involved or gives a miminal reply that dosen't really talk anything out. And though I want to go to Him I always pause and wonder if I really should or is He going to think it's drama and that I am making a crisis out of nothing. I was really upset once about something that had happened in my life and He barely talked to me and said not to make everything into a crisis. I guess I just feel like it may not be important to Him but its important to me and He could at least listen.

[/quote]
just because others might not want an intense or even significant emotional connection in their D/s relationship doesn't make them wrong... or make it just kinky sex. We are individuals with personal perferences. I perfer an very intense emotional connection.. some do not... neither is the best way.... but it is a better way for ourselves whatever way that is. If you find that the emotional connection is not on the same level... then you might need to reconsider the relationship. But, please avoid negative reference or judgement... just because the person's need or want of an emotional connection is different than yours.[/quote]

Honestly didn't mean to sound judgemental or negative. Should have phrased that differently. I have no problem with what anyone wants or needs. To each their own.


< Message edited by Sub03 -- 3/15/2006 4:38:32 PM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 4:38:24 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sub03

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom?? What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you?? Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something?? What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?? Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything?? Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??

Sorry if this is in the wrong area.....wasnt sure where to post it.


I crave closeness and transparency. A submissive should, and better, be able to be open, keeping in mind it's often how you say something that makes a difference.

Level

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 4:39:37 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		It's quite common to have a dominant and not be collared to him A collar is a very serious very commited thing , and if you've only been Dom sub for two months, that's way to soon for a collar. Collars are very serious, at least they should be, and I would loose respect for any dom who wanted to slap one on me in just 2 months.

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 4:47:09 PM   
angelic


Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline 		i was owned, but never collared, had a signed contract.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci


(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 5:12:54 PM   
suhayla


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/10/2006
Status: offline 		Let's imagine D/s isn't a part of this for a moment.

If you had a sexual relationship with a man ... would you pour your heart out to them? Probably not. You'd simply call upon one another on occassion to fullfill each other's needs. Just because you're "fuck buddies" doesn't mean that it can't be a D/s relationship. As to the value of that relationship? Well, that's a different story.

If you were involved in a loving, trusting relationship with a man. Would you pour your heart out to him and ask for his advice? Yes, it'd be much more likely.

I don't think it's any different, but that's just my opinion. You have to do what you feel comfortable doing. See, it depends on the nature of the problem. If they're of a sexual nature, I'd talk to him. If it was about a fight I had with my sister, I'd keep it to myself.

(in reply to Sub03)
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RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 5:23:33 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

Being willing to listen is the hallmark of a friend. I wouldn't accept the submission of someone I wouldn't have as a friend.


Very well said John.

I can top someone that I barely know or don't have feelings for. I can't Dominate them. The mind is the playground, the basis for any play beyond the physical. Getting into the mind of a sub and learning what's there will build feeling and emotional ties to that person.

Any sub that I call mine, collared or not, can come to me and expect to have some of my time, thought and energy. Maybe not at that precise moment, but as soon as I am able.

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to JohnWarren)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 5:26:45 PM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		My Sub Kari and I are very close friends. Not as close as I am to my wife bu we talk, we listen, we help each other out in many ways besides sexually. I couldn't imagine 'playing' a woman who I didn't like and didn't consider my friend. FOR ME, there has to be some emotional connection or the physical one just doesn't work.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 7:59:56 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		It seems to me you are really asking two different questions. The emotional connection doesn't really have anything to do with his response to your emotional needs. A lot of people feel very emotionally connected to others, but still don't want or know how to meet the needs of that other person. Regardless of whether there is a connection or not, it sounds like the real problem is that you don't feel like he's meeting needs you have.

In your position I would need to feel heard and listened to when I am upset or unhappy about something in my life. As long as you are not constantly bending his ear with your problems, he should be receptive to listening to you at the very least, as a friend would. If he doesn't want to take the time out to really hear what you have to say and seems to disregard your feelings it won't be long before it impacts your trust, and your desire to serve with a happy heart.

At least it would do that to me. Of course we are all different, but if you are asking the question it's probably because you are feeling that way too.

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 8:27:39 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sub03
Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom??

If that's what works for you.

quote:

What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you??

Then he's your dom who hasn't collared you. Don't see how this would make a difference, unless you decided that it did.
quote:


Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something??

Depends on the circumstance and relationship. If that's what you need, then that's what you should have. There were some thing that my former owner didn't want me coming to him about, that's why he encouraged me to have friends and lovers.

quote:

What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you??

Then you've got a problem of miscommunication and/or misunderstood expectations that need to be ironed out before you can even work on whatever this other problem is.

quote:

Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything??

It's a judgement call whether something is worth discussing or not. My former owner taught me pretty harshly about how to decide priorities quickly (for which I'm quite grateful for now) and to see the long term versus the short term impact of things.

However, if it's an issue that affects the relationship, it needs to be communicated. If you aren't getting the respond you thought you would, or that you thought as appropriate, this in itself is something that needs to be communicated. You both need to be ont he same page about these things, whatever page that happens to be.

quote:

Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??

Depends on how you feel. There ARE doms and subs out there who are NOT in a loving/friendship based relationship and work very well.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 3/15/2006 8:43:33 PM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 8:36:58 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom?? What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you?? Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something?? What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?? Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything?? Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??

Sorry if this is in the wrong area.....wasnt sure where to post it.


Interesting question. I'm wondering what you mean by "emotional connection" though. Without a definition, it can mean many things to many people.

I happened to do a teaching on Negotiations tonight with 2 other people, and the other female submissive shared one of my primary play partners at a differant time for about the same length of time, 4 years. Neither of us ever played with him 'sexually' nor did we want to; however, he and I had great chemistry, and from what she had to say, they did as well. Regardless of the fact that our relationship was not sexual in nature, I did make an emotional connection with him then that carries through today even though we are do not play together anymore. He became one of my best friends and I still consider him one today.

The man I am collared to now, I also have an emotional connections with, as well as a sexual relationship with.

So, what exactly do you mean by emotional connection and why do you say 'kinky sex' like it's a bad thing? ~smirks~

Kassie


_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 9:45:36 PM   
DragonNphoenix


Posts: 617
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sub03

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom?? What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you?? Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something?? What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?? Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything?? Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??

Sorry if this is in the wrong area.....wasnt sure where to post it.


I think that caring is very important. If the Master does not care for his slave,.. then why have them? IMO... it is part of the relationship. But like I said...that is MHO.

But...I am married to my Master. We have a different type of dynamic involved.

1st Girl Phoenix

_____________________________

**Pain is just pleasure with a twist**

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 20
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