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RE: emotional connection - 3/15/2006 9:45:46 PM   
TheTopHat


Posts: 39
Joined: 3/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sub03

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom?? What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you?? Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something?? What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?? Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything?? Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??

Sorry if this is in the wrong area.....wasnt sure where to post it.


Personally I think the most important part of a D/s relationship is the emotional/psychological connection. If a sub can't speak to her Master there is obviously a lack of trust and any connection is physcial at best.

As to bringing drama to your master you have a responsibility to be honest and open and tell him what is going on, at the same time you don't wish to just add aggravation to his day. Like most things it is a balancing act, you have to predict and he has to train until you find the right balance. If it were a sub of mine I would rather she err on the side of caution and come to me with problems and if necerssary I can instruct her to modify the criteria and/or punish her. It's never happened with a problem though, after all, her problems belong to me as well.

As far as being 'collared' or not it is irrelevant. Collaring, ownership, marriage, mentors, all have exactly the value given to them by the 2 participants. Clear communication and common sense is far more important than categorizing the relationship so as to find the correct action.

Hope this is of some limited help,

_____________________________

TheTopHat (and Cane)

Just my 2.31 cents (In Canada you see)

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 2:51:07 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sub03
Well He hasn't collared me but I have been serving Him for awhile.


Collar or no Collar, it doesn't have a thing to do with it in my mind, you've chosen to serve him and it appears he's accepted the service. My only question is what kind of service are you providing?

It's actually a consistent problem. I feel like whenever I go to Him with a problem He either dosen't want to get involved or gives a miminal reply that dosen't really talk anything out. And though I want to go to Him I always pause and wonder if I really should or is He going to think it's drama and that I am making a crisis out of nothing. I was really upset once about something that had happened in my life and He barely talked to me and said not to make everything into a crisis. I guess I just feel like it may not be important to Him but its important to me and He could at least listen.

Sigh, emotional rollercoasters suck. You've gotta figure out what's causing it. It's possible he is tired of hearing it if he's heard it before and tried to help. Then again, he may just not give a shit since he's getting what he needs from your interaction. Possibly some of it is in your delivery, calm down, speak quietly in well thought out words, breath.
If it still falls on deaf ears you've got your answer.

But, please avoid negative reference or judgement... just because the person's need or want of an emotional connection is different than yours.

I couldn't agree more. The trick to this is finding one you want to serve that feeds you what you need also. Your a young one and have time yet, look at this as a learning experience and move on if its not working for you.

Just my 2 cents.......
Q


_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 5:36:42 AM   
chadra


Posts: 32
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

It's actually a consistent problem. I feel like whenever I go to Him with a problem He either dosen't want to get involved or gives a miminal reply that dosen't really talk anything out. And though I want to go to Him I always pause and wonder if I really should or is He going to think it's drama and that I am making a crisis out of nothing. I was really upset once about something that had happened in my life and He barely talked to me and said not to make everything into a crisis. I guess I just feel like it may not be important to Him but its important to me and He could at least listen.


This doesn't seem to me to be a D/s issue, but rather the basic relationship issue of two people with different needs. This happens be it D/s or vanilla. You're describing a desire to be heard by a partner, and a desire for his emotional support for other areas of your life. This partner is misunderstanding and/or disregarding that desire. That's neither good nor bad, it's simply some disconnect in expectations.

How many spouses and significant others complain the people in their lives don't listen well enough?

It sounds like you need him to fulfill a role that he doesn't seem willing or ready to meet yet. I don't know anything about the situation beyond what you've described, so forgive me if I'm off base. If it is an uncommitted sort of thing, then it probably is unreasonable to look for emotional support in your general life. But given that it's more than that, I'm thinking it might be helpful if you strip away the sexual/kink element and look at it strictly from a relationship perpective. In that sense, is this a partnership that's able to work for you?

If you believe so, can you find a way to talk this all through with him?

Best wishes to you
chadra

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 5:39:29 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DragonNphoenix
If the Master does not care for his slave,.. then why have them?

Because they are useful. There's a difference between "caring for someone" and "having an emotional bond that includes being friends and working through emotional problems together."

If a slave is fulfilled by providing service without an emotional bond, and the master is happy with the service without an emotional bond, I see it as a perfect match for them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DragonNphoenix)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 9:00:40 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sub03
It's actually a consistent problem. I feel like whenever I go to Him with a problem He either dosen't want to get involved or gives a miminal reply that dosen't really talk anything out. And though I want to go to Him I always pause and wonder if I really should or is He going to think it's drama and that I am making a crisis out of nothing. I was really upset once about something that had happened in my life and He barely talked to me and said not to make everything into a crisis. I guess I just feel like it may not be important to Him but its important to me and He could at least listen.


Sub03... this quote of yours... is my walking papers. To me this show no care, no concern no reason for me to stick around. Because what's important to me.. isn't important to him. And even if it's not important to him... he should and would know it is to me.. and at least show he's concerned about me personally as his submissive.

Not being collared.. like you stated.. there's no reason to stick around either. Hell if I was collared and was going through this.. there would be another look at said relationship. But what I see.. is a reason NOT to go further into a relationship than where you are now either. Not saying that you should walk.. that's just me.. not everyone. But at least it helps one wonder why they're in the relationship.... and do you really want it to go further... knowing what you do... and how you feel.

Good luck hun...

Jessica

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 12:22:45 PM   
denika


Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sub03

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom??
What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you?? Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something?? What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?? Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything?? Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??.



For me a personal connection is a neccesity, it's part of the power enhancement to the relationship. Being a Masochist I give a very person part of myself to my Top, and that is my pain.

The relationship I have with Knight is a bit different in that it encompasses a lot of diffrent titles. He is my Top and of a personal choice I do not bottom to anyone else. We have an informal D/s relationship, I don't submit to Him because I feel it's expected, I am not collared. I do it because I respect and genuinelly enjoy the experience.

I would really hope you can go to the person and talk through problems. Communication is a huge part of any relationship. I can talk to Knight about play, or an intresting book or what was in the news with equal intensity. It's my own shyness on some subjects and my own inabilaty at times to keep my foot out of my mouth *ss* that provides entertainment or limitation to any conversation.

If you are afraid of being overly dramatic maybe think about what you are trying to say, is it dramatic in the way it's being presented to your Dom? or is it the situation?

Kinky sex, well ya *ss* that's part of the fun! But D/s is what ever you make it to be. Weither it's service oriented,sex oriented, objectification. The list goes on but it comes down what ever works for your dynamic. My husband gets uncomfortable when I serve him first it's just not his cup of tea so neither of us get much pleasure out of it. But I get pleasure out of serving Knight, weither it's helping alandra with housework or with dinner or serving Him a mocha because I know He is comfortable with me doing it.(alandra mocha's always taste better tho*s* )

denika

'seek first to understand than to be understood'

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 3:37:14 PM   
ExistentialSteel


Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline 		You should have a connection to anyone you deal with unless abstract, randomness is your thing. If you know someone you can develop feelings…good or bad. Without knowing someone, higher emotions are not possible and leave things at a primitive level. Now time for my disclaimer trademarked ™ if that is what you want…etc.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 5:45:11 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		I agreee with most - it is whatever works for you.

I don't equate a connection with bringing-my-problems-because-I-am-upset. For example, I don't have an emotional connection (or any connection) with my therapist, but I sure bring my problems to him to receive feedback. There are some people I do have a connection with, but our relationship is not such I want to bring problems to him/her. Then there are some people that fit both.

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 6:53:54 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		sub03...Hard situation for you..As many have said,sit down with him,tell him what you have posted here,if you once again get essentially what I call a shrug off,you then have your answer.Then it is up to you to decide if this dynamic is for you or not.Some how I am sensing that you are seeking a more intimate relationship than the one you are experiencing now.So I reiterate, think of what you want as a submissive and make a decision.....be well.Tempting

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 7:42:34 PM   
orfunboi


Posts: 1223
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		i have an emotional connection with the women i serve and the women i play with. Yes, i feel i can go to them with my problems and fears, they are my friends and they encourage it.

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 10:42:53 PM   
trueheart61


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom??


Absolutely...without that emotioinal connection there is nothing...for me anyway. When two people connect on that level it is such an intense, amazing connection.

quote:

What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you??


What is a collar? Some equate a physical collar as the be all end all...but for some it isn't. There was no "collaring ceremony" for Master and myself but I know without a doubt that I am his...some may ask how that can be and it's simple...because He is who He is and I am who I am...neither of us need a piece of leather to justify that....although when that collar is around my neck...well what can I say...*smiles*

quote:

Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something??


If you can't then perhaps you aren't with the right person....just MHO.

quote:

What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?


Then you asked Him respectfully that you have concerns/fears/worries and that you need His input.

quote:

Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything??


I had this issue a while back...as the relationship evolved and I felt more comfortable I learned that He truly did care about my thoughts..feelings..desires. When I finally realized that He wasn't going to run just because I was bringing Him a little drama...well, it made it much easier to open up to Him. If you don't have that established trust then it can make it very difficult to bring anyting to Him...drama or not.

quote:

Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??


I can only answer this from my perspective...it is 100% a D/s relationship...He is my Master and I am His slave...without question....*smiles*


(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 11:28:43 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom??


Yes, i need an emotional connection to my Master. He owns my heart after all. :)


quote:

What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you??


Yes, i had an emotional connection with him before he collared me. i did not love him (not that i would admit, anyway) when he took ownership of me, but months after that when he collared me i was in love with him.


quote:

Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something??

Of course. He owns me, so he needs to know what's going on with me at all times. How else can he run me otherwise?

quote:

What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?

Then he is probably considering what i have brought to him, or it is something he wants me to figure out.
If i still struggle, then i tell him i am and i ask for his help.


quote:

Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything??

Not saying anything to him is not an option. If it is drama i am bringing, then he tells me so. i typically do not bring him drama, however (anymore, heh)


quote:

Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??

It is a Master/slave relationship. Sex is a subset of that.


(in reply to trueheart61)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: emotional connection - 3/16/2006 11:42:01 PM   
scratchingpost


Posts: 231
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		my Master has always encouraged me to do and feel what comes naturally to me. Just because one is not collared does not mean ones heart does not belong to another. Depending upon the realtionship and i must state each is unique, you might be able to go to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something. If it is something He does not wish to discuss that is His choice but one should not feel the need to hide from their Dom/me. i feel that an emotional connection is inevitable with ones Dom. God knows i tried to run hide and fight it for so long (being the control freak independent pain in the ass i am) but it happened anyway. If it didnt it wouldnt have made Him my Master but rather just another play partner. (which play partners are alright if that is what you need or desire). i hope that helps a little bit at least. be safe and smile

(in reply to Sub03)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: emotional connection - 3/17/2006 4:27:39 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

I agreee with most - it is whatever works for you.

I don't equate a connection with bringing-my-problems-because-I-am-upset. For example, I don't have an emotional connection (or any connection) with my therapist, but I sure bring my problems to him to receive feedback. There are some people I do have a connection with, but our relationship is not such I want to bring problems to him/her. Then there are some people that fit both.


Wouldn't it be nice not to have any problems? Problems + an emotional connection may = a greater (>) problem.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 3/17/2006 4:38:10 AM >

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: emotional connection - 3/17/2006 5:08:58 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

Do you think you should have an emotional connection to your Dom??


Yes, i need an emotional connection to my Master. He owns my heart after all. :)


quote:

What if He is your Dom but hasn't collared you??


Yes, i had an emotional connection with him before he collared me. i did not love him (not that i would admit, anyway) when he took ownership of me, but months after that when he collared me i was in love with him.


quote:

Should you be able to come to Him if you have a problem or are upset about something??

Of course. He owns me, so he needs to know what's going on with me at all times. How else can he run me otherwise?

quote:

What if when you do go to Him, He dosen't really talk it out with you?

Then he is probably considering what i have brought to him, or it is something he wants me to figure out.
If i still struggle, then i tell him i am and i ask for his help.


quote:

Or you worry that you are just bringing drama to Him so you don't say anything??

Not saying anything to him is not an option. If it is drama i am bringing, then he tells me so. i typically do not bring him drama, however (anymore, heh)


quote:

Is it really a D/s relationship or just kinky sex??

It is a Master/slave relationship. Sex is a subset of that.




Very nicely said, owned *smiles*

Level

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 35
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