RE: My mother just doesnt understand...

RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (Full Version)

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AquaticSub -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 2:35:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub Perhaps buying and sending would help, perhaps it wouldn't. That will depend on the specifics that we just don't know. I think offering the title will allow her to buy it on her own when she is ready and not have to contact him again about it until she is more informed and ready to discuss things. Exactly, we don't know the specifics. We don't know his family situation. Also, there will be people reading this that might be in the same position who will have a different set up. I just don't believe that advising buying and sending the books automatically in cases of parents is a good idea regardless if shes already disowned him and it can't make it any worse, because it might make it worse. On something like this I believe time is the biggest thing. As I've already acknowledged, sending may not be the best idea. However I still think the idea of making them aware of the resources is a good idea. If the OP - or anyone reading this - feels it fits their situation and is useful, why not suggest it? It's up to them to be adults and decide if my advice fits their particular situation (of which none us can be fully aware of) or not and tailor it to their situation. It's what I would do in his shoes from what he has stated. So far, that attitude and outlook has worked out pretty damn well for me. If it will work for others... shrugs quote: quote: You misunderstand why I brought up his parents. I am not suggesting that his mother can handle it because Val's parents could. I brought up them to point out that even those who are willing to accept probably don't know where to find resources on their own. I understood, I just don't think that it's relevant. The best thing the OP can do is work on his own feelings and emotions and not be weighed down by what his, or any other persons parents might or might not do. The best thing he can do is to be himself and just carry on as he would and love his mother as he would and let her see how he grows. the.dark. We disagree on a particular. Not the first time. Won't be the last. I agree with the overall sentiment. Edited cause my fingers are going much faster than my brain tonight. I blame the soda.

elleX -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 3:26:14 AM)
... time is a healer , just stay available ,, elleX

littlewonder -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 3:34:27 AM)
Not quite sure why you had to tell her in the first place. What were you trying to accomplish? Do you tell everyone about your sex life? But what is done is done.... At this point all you can do is tell her you love her and continue on with your life. When she's ready to talk to you again, she will. In all likelihood she'll talk to you again eventually. At that point when she does DO NOT talk about your sexlife. Just apologize, tell her you're sorry for ever bringing it up and you won't do it again.

JJohnsJR24 -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 5:21:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Not quite sure why you had to tell her in the first place. What were you trying to accomplish? Do you tell everyone about your sex life? But what is done is done.... At this point all you can do is tell her you love her and continue on with your life. When she's ready to talk to you again, she will. In all likelihood she'll talk to you again eventually. At that point when she does DO NOT talk about your sexlife. Just apologize, tell her you're sorry for ever bringing it up and you won't do it again. I never told her, she some how found out. I have no idea how. Weather it be by finding something I have no idea. She wouldn't tell me.

AquaticSub -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 5:23:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24 I never told her, she some how found out. I have no idea how. Weather it be by finding something I have no idea. She wouldn't tell me. Fun fun. My Mom found out by opening a box I told her not to. At least she learned not to open boxes marked private - in theory. Ever since then we have had a tense "not talking about it" policy.

Drifa -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 5:28:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24 My question is has anyone else ever had this kind of reaction from a family member and how did you handle it. Pretty much all of us who are gay have had this reaction from someone in our lives. And as a result, I'm going to suggest you take a look at some of the enormous amount of information out on the web that talks about coming out to your family. It's in a context of homosexuality, but really, because of the way Western culture stigmatizes sex in general, I think a LOT of what's out there will be applicable. Here's a good discussion of the "coming out" process that would give you a good framework. The key to know is that your family loves you, and eventually will come to some sort of understanding. They may never be comfortable talking about your kink... and honestly, I don't want to talk bedroom specifics with my parents, so that's a good thing in my book. Or they may eventually get past the initial kneejerk and come to acceptance. Ultimately, you live your life and not your parents' lives. They are the ones who have to cope, or not. Just remember that for them, whatever way they ultimately cope may take a bit of time, and give them the room and time to get to that place.

DarkSteven -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 6:06:05 AM)
OP, I'm not going to add much to the excellent advice you've gotten above except to add that what happened between you and your mother was in the heat of the moment. A little time will help get her past her freak-out stage. Saying that she's ignorant about this implies that she's wrong and you're right. I have no idea why she is the way she is, but you have to allow that - she's older than you and at her age, less flexible. She might even think that the reason that you're kinky is that she failed as a mother. Try to let her know that you're happy and doing well in the vanilla world. When you do have another talk with her (it will happen), try to steer the conversation vanilla if possible. Again, let her know that, although you have a kinky side, that's only a part of you and the loving son is still there. If you do end up discussing the lifestyle, steer away from whips and chains and bondage - tell her that you like to please your partner in relationships, that her happiness is all-important to you. You want her to think of it as a power dynamic as opposed to BDSM acts. My sympathies, and good luck. This too shall pass.

DomImus -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 6:16:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JJohnsJR24 Hi all. So today I had a pretty serious confrontation with my mom, who found out about my interest and involvement in this lifestyle. And to say that she took it hard is well beyond an understatement. She went off about saying how much of a weirdo I am in the community, and how much of an embarrassment I am to her and the family. She also went on to say that I am now dead to her, and that I should never show my self around again, even for hollidays ect. I dont know what to do or think about this. My question is has anyone else ever had this kind of reaction from a family member and how did you handle it. Because I honestly dont know what to do. She is being so ignorant about this, and I dont understand why. I really hope not many else on here had to go through what I just did because it was harsh. Thanks for any input. And yet the flag wavers want to know why everybody doesn't tattoo "Kinky" on their forehead.

sirsholly -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 6:25:26 AM)
quote: And to say that she took it hard is well beyond an understatement. She went off about saying how much of a weirdo I am in the community, and how much of an embarrassment I am to her and the family. She also went on to say that I am now dead to her, and that I should never show my self around again, even for hollidays ect. I dont know what to do or think about this. ugh...this is why one should never talk when angry. I am talking as a mom here so sit up straight and pay attention You are not dead to her, and she does not want you to stay away from her and the rest of your family. She lashed out at you in anger and frustration. Let me clue you in to something John...mothers blame themselves when we see something "wrong" with our children. And please understand that the "wrong" of which i speak is secondary to her lack of understanding, generation, upbringing, faith, shock at the way she found out, etc. Normal, healthy children are a reflection of their parents...and so are the ones that are not quite so normal. You both need time. You need time to forgive her for the hateful words she spoke. She needs time to forgive you for not being perfect. And you both need time to refocus your energy and realize there is no bond or love stronger than that of a mother and child.

Mercnbeth -> RE: My mother just doesn't understand... (12/11/2009 6:37:02 AM)
quote: I don't know what to do or think about this. Peeked at your profile - 23. It's time to be you. However you got an interest, whether this is just for amusement or you see it as some sort of 'lifestyle'; you now have a choice. As a child, you'll toss away all your 'bad' toys and magazines, pictures whatever, clean up your room real good, go out and buy some flowers, walk up to your mom and say; "I'm sorry mommy - I won't let this happen again. Please don't be mad!" Or you can be the man your age indicates you are. Decide that its time to go out on your own, and live like one. You'll think you can't do it. Things are too tough out there. You won't find a job and can't afford a place on your own. Yes you can, rent a room not an appartment. That's life! Will you live as comfortably, or as easily? Probably not; you may not even have intenet access to be able to gain marvelous insight such as this. However after everything you have and do comes from you, your sense of self worth and who you are won't require anyone else's "understanding". Your mother, and everyone else will respect you more. 23 is a great time to learn the distinction between conditional love and the real thing. You may find out that most people, family or not, don't "understand". The goal is to be happy with whatever it is that brings you fulfillment and have the confidence not to care. You've been given an opportunity - use it.

GYPSYMAMBO -> RE: My mother just doesn't understand... (12/11/2009 6:56:42 AM)
OP: Most "bad" reactions are due to misconceptions..and in the case of BDSM ... BIG misconceptions.. YOur mom will be worried about the community if it is small or she has close friends who react rather than respond.. Moms want their children to be happy..they really do.. and responses comes from fear..and LOVE fear for you..fear what others may think ..fear of reactions to you..fear FOR you.. It seems to be a bad reaction because it is not suppportive..or what one would want... but it is HER reaction.........and she can have it.. YOU have a life you are building..things you a re finding out.. YOu are at this age SEPERATING from family systems and their beliefs and finding YOUR TRIBE.. Stay true to yourself and stand in your truth..FOR YOU I personally feel the less said ..the better about the BDSM and concentrate on living a good life..interacting with HER as a mom..being honest..and keeping it private. GM

kanina -> RE: My mother just doesn't understand... (12/11/2009 7:00:49 AM)
well my parents do not know about the lifestlyle and hope they never will becuase when they found out that i was not a virgen lets say that they don´t see sex in a good way [&:] [:@] so i don´t introduce boyfriend or anyone... and don´t talk about it... i know that i left the house my mom would want me to keep in touch...[:)] just don´t talk about something they can´t handle...

RCdc -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 7:01:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: And to say that she took it hard is well beyond an understatement. She went off about saying how much of a weirdo I am in the community, and how much of an embarrassment I am to her and the family. She also went on to say that I am now dead to her, and that I should never show my self around again, even for hollidays ect. I dont know what to do or think about this. ugh...this is why one should never talk when angry. I am talking as a mom here so sit up straight and pay attention You are not dead to her, and she does not want you to stay away from her and the rest of your family. She lashed out at you in anger and frustration. Let me clue you in to something John...mothers blame themselves when we see something "wrong" with our children. And please understand that the "wrong" of which i speak is secondary to her lack of understanding, generation, upbringing, faith, shock at the way she found out, etc. Normal, healthy children are a reflection of their parents...and so are the ones that are not quite so normal. You both need time. You need time to forgive her for the hateful words she spoke. She needs time to forgive you for not being perfect. And you both need time to refocus your energy and realize there is no bond or love stronger than that of a mother and child. I completely agree to all this holly said (being a mummy too[;)])... the.dark.

LaTigresse -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 7:17:55 AM)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhyup.

Mercnbeth -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 7:26:38 AM)
quote: ...there is no bond or love stronger than that of a mother and child... disagree...because there is no generalization that fits everyone's perceptions of the strength of the bond between an individual and the others in their lives. this slave watched from infancy a bond that was stronger than what she had with her parents---the bond between the two of them. and while we are at it...this slave doesn't believe the fallacy that love between parent and child is unconditional, either. they are YOUR child---that's a condition right there.

Missokyst -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 8:05:55 AM)
I would never tell my child "you are dead to me" That is something my mother would have thought and acted on, but never voiced out loud. That is something my sister the drama queen would have told her kids. Some moms are drama queens. They think that by pushing that extreme reaction button you will cave and do things their way. When I was around your age I figured that out and walked away for a while. It is amazing how much people want you back if you don't call or write. Providing a book to help a drama queen understand is assuming that they are like reasonable people, they are not. Drama queens need life to fit in their fantasy. If it were me I would tell my mother if she wants to contact me I will be here ______., and then I would walk away. This sucks around this time of year but it is survivable if you have friends to hang out with, try not to drink it out of mind. I never use this phrase because it grates on my nerves but in this case I have been in your shoes at least once in my life, so.. I wish you well

Ladynslave -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 8:12:29 AM)
There is no rejection that hurts as much as the rejection by a parent. Even so, her reaction seems a bit extreme. It's time to think about putting limits on your interaction with your family if for no other reason than to protect yourself. I first had to learn to do this when my grandmother came into my home and told me that the beating I received from my then husband the night before was something I deserved. That was my first real clue that love of family is not unconditional. Yes, it is hard to live a life without family at first, but I have found that the love of good friends can more than make up for what you lack and in fact can be much healthier relationships than those with family. My grandmother no longer visits nor do I visit her. My mother has learned that I don't care to hear that my grandmother denies ever saying it, I know what I heard. When your mother does reach back out, establish then what the limits will be. She may have some limits of her own as well, find out what they are. If she does not want to meet your Domme, don't introduce them under some other pretense. If you must know how she found out, tell her you won't be around until she reveals the source. Stick to your guns, don't let family walk all over you simply because they are family. Lady

Phoenixpower -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 8:27:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ladynslave There is no rejection that hurts as much as the rejection by a parent. Even so, her reaction seems a bit extreme. It's time to think about putting limits on your interaction with your family if for no other reason than to protect yourself. I first had to learn to do this when my grandmother came into my home and told me that the beating I received from my then husband the night before was something I deserved. That was my first real clue that love of family is not unconditional. Yes, it is hard to live a life without family at first, but I have found that the love of good friends can more than make up for what you lack and in fact can be much healthier relationships than those with family. My grandmother no longer visits nor do I visit her. My mother has learned that I don't care to hear that my grandmother denies ever saying it, I know what I heard. When your mother does reach back out, establish then what the limits will be. She may have some limits of her own as well, find out what they are. If she does not want to meet your Domme, don't introduce them under some other pretense. If you must know how she found out, tell her you won't be around until she reveals the source. Stick to your guns, don't let family walk all over you simply because they are family. Lady Totally agree to that view...I am also someone who is better off without her family, though it is not a very obvious break up...which means we are in touch on a shallow level but they do not realise it fully yet that I don't care anymore by now...and whilst I now go home about once a year (but not to any of the festive seasons)...once I relocate to Canada or New Zealand it will be even less...in some families too much happens to keep smiling and my background has similarities to what Lady describes...though in my case I was lucky that Granny was there for me 100% which IMO build up my resilience... Whilst my parents don't know about that I am in this lifestyle (or at least I don't think so) they screwed it up big time in other aspects and as they never cared I do know by now that I can't be bother anymore to care once they will need help (one of a few reasons why I am going to move further away). With living abroad now since five years for me everything got much clearer and personally I feel better...therefore why should I bother to put up with my parents more then necessary... However, it is of course everyones own decision what is best but sometimes it is good to "plug off" the plug from the wall... Best wishes in your decision what you are going to do and my apologies that I can't really give you advice what to do...except to confirm that sometimes it is a help to take distance..good luck [:)]

AnimusRex -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 9:32:01 AM)
My take on this, is in line with ellex- that time is a great healer; Also Merc makes a good point, that you need to move out and live your own life now; that makes your bedroom habits strictly your own business. And of course, Holly is spot on with her observation that your mom's words were spoken in anger, and will be regretted. My only addition, which will sound counter-intuitive, is that if you move out, you can simply tell your mom that you have given up BDSM, that it was a silly phase, you are over it, and "lets just forget all that and pass the gravy please" This is one case where truthfullness will never be a positive thing. She will never accept this, and it will only become a stumbling block to your relationship with her. I would allow her to think it is over, and move on with life. Parents generally believe what they want to belive about their children.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: My mother just doesnt understand... (12/11/2009 9:52:13 AM)
~FR~ Moms are a tough call. My mom outed me all on her own by reading some mail that I had in a heap of papers in my room.... then did not stop reading. What can I tell ya? She HATED my slave, freaked out mondo, it was ugly. But that was an ugly time. We have a don't ask/don't tell thing happening. I am utterly discreet, she does not mention it. Her main concern was for my SAFETY. Which really, is a perfectly sensible mom concern. Don't push intel on your parents unless they ASK for it. Smile pretty, be nice, show you love and appreciate them. That whole uncondional love thing? Does NOT have to include LIKE. Mom might hate what you are doing, but I am betting she does not hate YOU Good luck!

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