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Self respect and being a sub - 12/11/2009 9:07:04 PM

kTez8

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/1/2009
Status: offline

I am new to the BDSM experience and am still exploring/learning. I identify as submissive but something I am having a hard time dealing with is keeping healthy self-respect while trying to explore submission. I know that being submissive doesn't mean becoming less than human, but I was wondering what perspectives others may have.

Especially in light of all the profiles on collarMe that seem a bit extreme or over the top (not meant to be judgemental)

Post #: 1

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/11/2009 9:11:30 PM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

I do not see how a submissive would be considered lacking any self-respect for the amount of sacrifice given to the D/s relationship.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to kTez8)

Post #: 2

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/11/2009 9:21:02 PM

hopelessfool

Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

kTez might i offer a word of advice, Take anything on the personal side with a grain of salt. love yourself for who you are..

If it helps think of it like this, Dom the people your submitting to or wanting to submit to you, cant do what you can. They cant give up control the way you are offering to, In the same respect many subs cant dom worth anything and Doms are doing something you cant.

You cant make cake with out eggs and flour the Egg, The doms the flour, Together your cake... which is yummy....

but with out you... theres no yummy cake.

_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Post #: 3

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/11/2009 9:30:12 PM

pyroaquatic

Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline

I am pretty scrambled by myself.

And still tasty.

Humor helps slide things along kTez.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to hopelessfool)

Post #: 4

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/11/2009 9:38:26 PM

kTez8

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/1/2009
Status: offline

Thanks for the feedback. Sounds like a healthy way of looking at things. I guess, next thing to do is to live and learn.

(in reply to pyroaquatic)

Post #: 5

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/11/2009 9:48:14 PM

lucylucy

Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline

Since I began exploring this side of myself—less than a year ago—my level of self-respect has actually gone up. I am more honest and patient now than I was before and I listen better. These traits improved in me as a result of my submission. If you are choosy and careful about who you submit to, I bet you will find that you become a better person, too. For me, submitting to my boyfriend has made me want to be a better person because that allows me to serve him better.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to kTez8)

Post #: 6

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/11/2009 9:58:38 PM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kTez8
I am new to the BDSM experience and am still exploring/learning. I identify as submissive but something I am having a hard time dealing with is keeping healthy self-respect while trying to explore submission. I know that being submissive doesn't mean becoming less than human, but I was wondering what perspectives others may have.

Especially in light of all the profiles on collarMe that seem a bit extreme or over the top (not meant to be judgemental)

Remember that people writing the profiles may be articulating their fantasies as opposed to anything real-life. A lot of people are fishing for wanking material, and a pretty fair number of supposed female subs are really 40 year old fat hairy guys pretending to be extreme submissive women. Evaluate profiles and correspondence with your brains and not your gonads and you will tend to avoid scams and fakers.

Also remember that being submissive doesn't mean checking your brains at the door. All D/s relationships really need lots of honest and open communication about wants, needs, and limits, and it's during those discussions that you really establish what your submission will mean. You make a conscious decision to submit to someone else, so you can really see it as an act of strength and will.

Submission doesn't have to include humiliation or anything that would erode your self-respect. Some people find those things very hot, others not so much. BDSM and D/s involve a huge, huge range of activities, and not everybody is required to like all the same things.

Your profile says you are in the DC area, which means that there are a lot of BDSM activities in your area. My suggestion would be to check out munches in your local area. Usually Googling for the name of your town and BDSM will get you some leads. Munches let you meet people in a restaurant-type setting where folks into kink can get to know one another casually.

(in reply to kTez8)

Post #: 7

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/11/2009 10:40:44 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

Hi.

Know who you are, what your looking for, and your limits and boundaries before you begin. Keep those intact and don't let any one take them from you. Your a sub but still deserve respect. Every human being should be respected. We love our subs and we're always polite and kind to them. I guess you could say we dominate with love.

Hope this helps.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to Drifa)

Post #: 8

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/12/2009 2:38:59 AM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

-FR-

I think the only person who can set your level of self respect is yourself. If you feel that doing something submissive (even doing *anything* submissive) is detrimental to your self respect, you don't have to listen to anyone else who says otherwise, because you're the one who has to live with yourself.

I'd suggest doing a bit of self reflection, wondering what it is that you enjoy about submission, and don't be afraid to set limits. You don't have to get cum on your face just 'cause all the other subs do it, if you personally find it degrading.

There are 3 basic types of D/s relationships I've seen:

1. The sexual submission D/s relationship (aka "bedroom only")
2. The service oriented D/s relationship (ie "taken in hand" ones - where there's very little kink and more focus on submission in daily life)
3. A combination of the above (where you submit in and out of the bedroom)

For some women, sexual submission might be degrading, but for other women they're fine with the sexual thing because it gets them off, but they can't respect themselves if they act like a 50's housewife (relationship 2) and both of those women are right...because only the individual can determine what type of person they *want* to be.

Basically it doesn't matter how many people tell you "doing this isn't degrading, it's healthy" because if you personally can't respect yourself doing it, then it is what it is, and there's no point being unable to respect yourself.

Also don't be afraid to set hard limits. It's better to wait for a compatible relationship than to overstep your own boundaries to please a dominant.

Long story short - you're supposed to be enjoying this. Don't feel the need to do anything you don't want to do.

(in reply to AcademyForSlaves)

Post #: 9

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/12/2009 7:55:12 AM

Roselaure

Posts: 672
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline

If you are just beginning to explore, and you feel degraded (and not in the good way) by submission, then perhaps it would be helpful to consider the possibility that you might not be submissive. Lots of people begin their journey in BDSM identifying one way and then discovering that they are happier in another role.

I also think that problems with self respect might have nothing to do with BDSM at all.

Know yourself.

_____________________________

Once conform, once do what other people do because they do it, and lethargy steals over all the finer nerves and faculties of the soul.
-Virginia Woolf

(in reply to kTez8)

Post #: 10

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/12/2009 9:48:51 AM

HisSweetElysium

Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline

first off, welcome :) You've already received a lot of great comments here, and I wanted to add a few points. For me, the search for someone to share this experience with was an exercise in self respect. I took that choice very seriously; I wanted to fulfill these needs in myself, but within a loving and caring relationship, fundamentally based in respect. I discovered in this process that respecting my Dom was of utmost importance. I cannot truly respect someone that does not likewise respect me. Not just the way I look, but the whole person.

When I found Him, and chose Him above all others, it was with that knowledge that while I am submitting to Him, it is within my boundaries always. By His decree and my own, I must respect myself at all times to communicate wants needs and desires to Him. 99% of the time, he fulfills these things, and the other 1% of the time, there's a reason I haven't thought of to say no. There is no arbitrary "because I said so" decisions.

Remember in any relationship you embark in, you ultimately DO have power too. Most Doms worth their name know that it is one thing to control and top their sub, but ongoing disregarding of wants and needs will lead to an unhappy submissive, who may very well terminate the relationship. Call it what you want, sub, slave, bottom, you always have the ability to walk away. In every act of submission, you make a choice. Love for your Dom may inspire you to submit in ways you thought degrading in the past, but again, this is your choice always.

I would encourage you to consider your wants and needs as you move forward with your journey. http://www.submissiveguide.com/ has some good exercises for exploring this side of yourself, I particularly liked the mapping exercises, as I'm a visual person. It's actually really validating to look at the things I created, and now think of my Master and see how in every way, He fulfills my desires.

Oh and as far as profiles go, sure there are some doozies. As someone mentioned, I think a vast portion of them are fat midwestern pig farmers getting their rocks off pretending to be sub females. I've always taken the approach of presenting myself as a human being, separate from my kink. It helped to weed out those just searching for instant gratification; I really demanded someone take an interest in me as a person. This may have cut down my numbers of suitors, but honestly, I never had a problem in that area. You will also find there are Doms out there who approached it in a similar manner. I found those people to be rational, sane individuals who sought a similar connection, i.e. of two human beings, not just a laundry list of kinks.

Best of luck to you in your journey, and again, welcome!

_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to Roselaure)

Post #: 11

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/13/2009 1:59:13 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You keep your self respect and grow it by picking a partner who encourages this, not someone who ridicules and degrades you constantly. You seem to be thinking that dominant means abuser. It doesn't and shouldn't. Even those who practice emotional s & m are capable of doing so in a healthy manner.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)

Post #: 12

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/13/2009 4:10:29 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

its hard to tell if youve experimented in real life and ended up feeling a bit muddled or if youre still at the 'discovery' stage.

either way, whats important is to find someone who makes it feel natural and normal to be you. that in itself in no small thing.

the crazy thing is that you can be with someone and it just doesnt feel natural or right for you and then youre with someone else and you just slip into that happy place and all those questions of self respect and identity and integrity are taken care of because you find youreself in that state of being you have wanted for so long. the little voice in youre head shuts up and youre just breezing.

its not until you hit the jackpot that everything falls into place like that. so my advice is dont worry about it. just do youre homework, work out what you want and why you want it and slowly youll grow more at ease with it all.

stick to what you feel instinctively you would enjoy and like and go from there. it isnt until youre with an M that youll discover that all those unknown and slightly scary things arent so scary when youre in safe hands.

concentrate on getting to know them. dont let them barrage you with BDSM speak straight away. personally i dont bother to even respond anymore to anyone who starts off on the bdsm stuff. they need to talk to me politely and respectfully or i dont bother with them.

and keep a sense of humour

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 13

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/13/2009 4:24:42 PM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Roselaure

If you are just beginning to explore, and you feel degraded (and not in the good way) by submission, then perhaps it would be helpful to consider the possibility that you might not be submissive. Lots of people begin their journey in BDSM identifying one way and then discovering that they are happier in another role.

though that being said it also can depend on the right person to unfold you...whilst I do have a special connection with my C-Dom...it is not something I get easily into...so bear in mind it also can depend at times on the quality of the dominant person...as others said...unfortunately there are also the users on here who are just looking for wankmaterial or who think they can treat you like crap...whilst some people might enjoy to be treated like that, as far as I know many of us don't...so don't let yourself run over from anyone

Being involved with a Dominant as great...however, being involved with an abusive personality is not

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to Roselaure)

Post #: 14

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/15/2009 6:35:52 AM

fadedshadow

Posts: 751
Joined: 4/27/2009
From: a place
Status: offline

i'm a sub and i have self-respect. i'm also very awesome =]

_____________________________

your living nightmare

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 15

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/15/2009 6:39:58 AM

Surrenderwithin

Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

My self respect is tied to how well I do things in accordance with my skill set and ability and how true I am to myself and those I care for. I do not see how the fact that I am a submissive/slave has anything to do with that beyond whether or not I do it to the best of my ability and honor my word and commitment.

_____________________________

"There are 2 kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and to follow; the strength to control, and to yield. There are 2 kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked." - Yaldah Tovah
*15 Nz Pts*

(in reply to kTez8)

Post #: 16

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/15/2009 6:57:23 AM

sleazybeauty

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/14/2009
Status: offline

I think one thing I have gotten from being a submissive then a slave is learning that the desires I have are normal. I have actually become more independent from being in this position, though I am sure some won't quite understand that statement. I am more picky about the person I will submit to or even be in a relationship with. My standards are set pretty high, and I know exactly what and who I am looking for.

I can't say this has come specifically from being a submissive. It has come more from learning about myself, my desires, weakness, and being honest with myself for the first time I think in my life.

Set up your boundaries, and never compromise...then you will have no worries about loss of self respect.

(in reply to Surrenderwithin)

Post #: 17

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/15/2009 1:39:54 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

My self respect is very high. It always was, but now even more so because i have a Master who builds me up instead of trying to tear me down. Humilation does not do it for me so i would not choose a dom that is into that. A good Dom will help his subs/slaves self respect not tear it down.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to sleazybeauty)

Post #: 18

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/18/2009 5:04:06 AM

serviceslave2

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/10/2009
Status: offline

A slave is inferior to non-slaves and so if you mean getting 'respect' is to be equal then i don't agree. i don't view myself as being equal with non-slaves and especially my owners but i do gain'self respect' from knowing that i know my place in society and adher to it

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 19

RE: Self respect and being a sub - 12/18/2009 5:45:30 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Why wouldn't I respect myself? There is no real difference in us beyond a difference in preferences that are mutually benifical. He likes to screw women, I like to screw men. He likes to hit, I like being hit. He likes to control, I like being controlled.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to kTez8)

Post #: 20

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