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How much submission do you NEED? - 12/13/2009 5:51:49 PM   
vtara


Posts: 11
Joined: 12/11/2009
Status: offline 		Hypothetically, you meet an attractive lady whose personality you like (or man, if you swing that way), she really wants you, you really want her, but she's not into D/s as much as you are or even not at all.

At what point is she not submissive/obedient enough for you to not pursue her?
If, for example, you're the type who wants to chain a nude slave to a post in your backyard and leave her there, would you settle for her only wearing handcuffs when you have sex sometimes?
For the right woman would you have a completely vanilla relationship?

Assuming of course, that you know how submissive she is. I'm sure many of you would at least try to bring out an undiscovered desire of hers.
A thread I found when searching through old ones gave me the impression that some doms don't like subs expressing their own preferences in a partner (sexual and otherwise) in their profiles, and want a sub's only desire to be pleasing their master- it made me curious how the horny instinct fares against the dominant.
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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/13/2009 6:12:19 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Spanking is a huge turn-on for me.  I need to spank.  I also need control in the bedroom.

Outside the bedroom, I could handle a non-D/s relationship, although I'd prefer a D/s one.

Um, the threads in which twue Doms express dissatisfaction with subs and slaves having preferences... those Doms are bogus.  An s type has no obligation to anyone until they submit, and usually retains some limits even then.


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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/13/2009 6:35:50 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

If, for example, you're the type who wants to chain a nude slave to a post in your backyard and leave her there, would you settle for her only wearing handcuffs when you have sex sometimes?

Just a note on this bit. The chained 24/7 and left alone thing is mostly wank material, and usually comes from submissives, often male submissives. The vast majority of Dominants want to be served, sexually and/or domestically, which is hard to do if you are chained to a post in the yard. Also, leaving someone in restraints alone is a very good way for the D to wind up facing charges if something goes wrong.


< Message edited by WyldHrt -- 12/13/2009 6:38:17 PM >

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/13/2009 6:45:03 PM   
vtara


Posts: 11
Joined: 12/11/2009
Status: offline 		I understand. I was just trying to think of something extreme for an example.
(Although I am curious about those that genuinely desire to chain someone up in the backyard. Or vice versa)

DarkSteven: That thread I read was downright scary! The OP was getting far too many in agreement and not nearly enough opposition.

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/13/2009 7:05:24 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You didn't ask about submission. You asked about kinky sex. First separate the two.
I'm in my mid 50s. He's in his late 50s. Kinky sex requires physical fitness and we are at the age where illness and physical difficulties manifest. We don;t have nearly as much as kinky sex as we would like but that's life.

But I'm still submissive and he's still dominant. He still tells me what he wants me to do for him and I still look to please him. I can easily envision the day when any sex, let alone kinky will no longer be possible. But I'll still be submissive.

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/13/2009 7:05:57 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		I know, the caveat I posted is because this board has a lot of lurkers who come here to read and learn. Pointing out that some things are mostly wank fodder helps those who are interested in moving from fantasy to real life dynamics 



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"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
"We've had complaints about 'orgy noises'. This is not the neighborhood for that kind of thing"- PVE Cop

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Subby Mafia, VAA Posse & Team Troll!

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/13/2009 7:41:36 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		I'm submissive and the same question turned on its head is interesting to me. If I found a man I really liked but he wouldn't/could't dominate me, would I pursue the relationship? The answer is no. I can't submit if he won't dominate, and I need to submit.

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/13/2009 7:51:13 PM   
sweetsub1957


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Spanking is a huge turn-on for me.  I need to spank.  I also need control in the bedroom.

Outside the bedroom, I could handle a non-D/s relationship, although I'd prefer a D/s one.

Um, the threads in which twue Doms express dissatisfaction with subs and slaves having preferences... those Doms are bogus.  An s type has no obligation to anyone until they submit, and usually retains some limits even then.



Exactly. 


quote:

ORIGINAL: lucylucy

I'm submissive and the same question turned on its head is interesting to me. If I found a man I really liked but he wouldn't/could't dominate me, would I pursue the relationship? The answer is no. I can't submit if he won't dominate, and I need to submit.


Precisely. 

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/14/2009 5:43:56 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		He needs 24/7 control of all of my actions and all of the decisions pertaining to our life together are his.

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/14/2009 5:47:43 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Good question asking people to consider whether they merely have a preference, or a dependency / obsession.

I posit that one who cannot experience fulfillment in a balanced interaction is not sufficiently whole enough to experience fulfillment in a polarized interaction. One cannot master another until they have mastered themself.

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/14/2009 6:52:27 AM   
SirJ40


Posts: 164
Joined: 12/21/2008
Status: offline 		Hmm... so who installs the posts for the backyard?

OH.. sorry, that was hypothetical. I like "some" submission, at first. Maybe more later. Definitely, My marriage started out as completely without BDSM, and developed into the relationship it is now, so it's a learned thing for Me. Now that we're exploring life with kitten as well, I find that I insist that she be somewhat more submissive than babygirl was at first.. though that doesn't mean she's putting on a Collar immediately... just being courteous, and respectful as I earn it.

I would like to add, though, aldompx, that I don't agree with that old saw about "mastering ones' self first".. I believe that in some ways, one cannot understand what it is to master themselves until they experience what it is to master another. It is, of course, a shared experience. Until you know what you're up against, you cannot have any idea of how to overcome the hurdles. Not to mention.. having self-control has little to do with having an ability to exert control over another.
The Domination experience is one that only truly blooms when it's shared, even though we often say that's what submission is like, they're too inter-related not to be similar that way.
Agreed.. someone with little or no self-control isn't likely to be a very good Dominant, Master, or Owner, though. That part of the sentiment I definitely think is true.


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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/14/2009 7:08:47 AM   
weaselwelder


Posts: 72
Joined: 6/22/2009
Status: offline 		My desires for a significant other in order of priority:

A woman
Who I find attractive mentally/emotionally
Who finds me attractive
That I can find attractive physically (which is a much larger group than most people)
That accepts that I have a dominant personality.
That can put up with how I live my life.
That can commit to us long term and accepts that i travel most of the year.
That can stand on her own.
That enjoys some kinky fun in the bedroom.
That can enjoy the submissive side of a d/s relationship.
That enjoys my cooking.
That lives fairly close to me.
Every other little thing that doesn't matter much.


Now, I'll admit that if they can't put up with me being dominant, even if the woman in question doesn't feel a need to submit, the chances of having a long term anything with them is slim to none. But the short answer is yes,  for the right one I'd put up my bag of toys forever. The question is however, is there a woman I could both like and love who didn't at least want to play once in a while?

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/14/2009 8:18:01 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Hypothetically


I only do real questions...

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/14/2009 9:02:52 AM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		Vtara-
Interesting question.
What I have discovered (based on my life and the lives of people I personally know) is that a 24/7 relationship quickly becomes normalized. No matter how kinky people are, our sex lives become secondary to the overall life goals of jobs, family, hobbies, etc.
Spanking and bondage just become one of many different things people do together. I suppose some things rise and fall on the importance scale to different people; and some things become so important as to be fetishised. I am betting thats why we call them "fetishes".

For myself, my interests wax and wane over time; I like some things now more than I used to and other things less than I did.
What is unexpected, is that I find my tastes changing, merging with Kim's, and hers have merged with mine. We discovered that what turns one of us on, also excites the other, and vice versa. And the things that are a turn off for the other person, eventually become unimportant to each of us. Having a harmonious relationship is the primary goal, and everything else sort of falls to second place.

I confess I don't really understand those who place so high a priority on a single fetish item that it becomes a make or break for a relationship. But as they say, I don't have to understand it for someone else to enjoy it.

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/16/2009 11:23:30 AM   
shadevarr


Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		Myself, I just can't do vanilla. It is not that I need control, is that I have no tolerance for misbehavior or laziness. For me to be happy in a relationship it needs to be M/s, and even if a girl showed up that was perfect in all the vanilla means they would still miss 2/3 of what I need.

As far as the sex drive, I went celibate for nearly 3 years until I found a suitable slave. It is not that my sex drive is low, it is that I have standards and they get in the way of the "go to the bar and bring something warm home".

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/16/2009 11:41:02 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		The concept that one would "fall for" someone who is so different than what they are seeking is just really fantasy. If you are talking about the initial "across the room" OMG she/he is so hot that's one thing. But let's be real, we develop our attraction beyond mere appearances. That is why someone becomes more attractive as you get to know them and their personalities, values, etc. mesh with our own.

Granted, a good number of kinky sex activities are more extreme than others and for those who are looking for some of the "hard core" stuff, they aren't going to a typical bar or church social and thinking they will meet their match. They know their desires are a bit "off the beaten path" so they direct their search where others of like desires will be.

I have dated a man on and off for about 14 years. To most here, he would be considered vanilla with an enjoyment of kinky sex, but in reality he has a very dominant personality in our relationship. Because personality type IS about more than just sex. When I meet a man who tends to want to bend over backwards to give me my way all the time, one whose personality is a bit more on the submissive side, his attraction level for me tends to wane because I don't want a guy who will so eagerly be pussy whipped.

So basically, I don't believe that the majority of us who are looking for loving relationships are ever going to fall for someone who is completely vanilla because it just isn't what we are attracted to and as we get to know such a person, those characteristics that we seek, whether they be dominant or submissive, if we find them lacking, our interest in that person will lessen. I think the ones that start thinking about entering into such relationships are doing so because they have become so weary of the search for that one special person, they start to think towards settling because they don't want to be alone.

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/16/2009 1:11:37 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: vtara

At what point is she not submissive/obedient enough...



I thought D-types expecting respectful silence (moaning is ok) from s-types during unrelenting, brutal, anal-fist-fucking was where most draw the line... has this changed?!!



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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/16/2009 1:51:11 PM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Um, the threads in which twue Doms express dissatisfaction with subs and slaves having preferences... those Doms are bogus.  An s type has no obligation to anyone until they submit, and usually retains some limits even then.



Vtara, this is my impression as well. That the people who are furious about subs having preferences in a partner are for the most part bitter that they consistently can't manage to fit those preferences. On the other hand I've run across threads in the Ask a Mistress section where a sub will complain about being ignored and dommes will point out (and in my opinion rightly so) that it's because their profile is nothing but a masturbation fantasy about what they want done to them with nothing about who they are or what they have to offer to a partner. So I guess what I'm trying to say is just the obvious, that a relationship needs to be satisfying to both parties and exactly what that means will and should vary greatly from person to person.

I don't know that I could put a definition to exactly how submissive someone needs to be for me personally, I don't think of it that way. It's more a matter of overall compatibility for me. For instance, it's more important to me that my girl is looking forward to hiking the AT with me than that she isn't ready to wear a chastity belt.

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/16/2009 2:49:01 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I am pretty sure I could do nilla. It has been my experience that most people don't mind being catered to, so as a sub I would do ok. Submission is not so much being made to submit for me. And personality-wise, I wouldn't be choosing someone who was not capable of making me lower my eyes, dom or nilla.

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RE: How much submission do you NEED? - 12/18/2009 3:58:20 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: vtara

Hypothetically, you meet an attractive lady whose personality you like (or man, if you swing that way), she really wants you, you really want her, but she's not into D/s as much as you are or even not at all.

At what point is she not submissive/obedient enough for you to not pursue her?
If, for example, you're the type who wants to chain a nude slave to a post in your backyard and leave her there, would you settle for her only wearing handcuffs when you have sex sometimes?
For the right woman would you have a completely vanilla relationship?

Assuming of course, that you know how submissive she is. I'm sure many of you would at least try to bring out an undiscovered desire of hers.
A thread I found when searching through old ones gave me the impression that some doms don't like subs expressing their own preferences in a partner (sexual and otherwise) in their profiles, and want a sub's only desire to be pleasing their master- it made me curious how the horny instinct fares against the dominant.

I find myself getting confused by your question(s).

I think it's because you are approaching the issue from a kink angle (to where the question becomes "How many sexual hobbies would you be willing to deal without for the 'right' person?") as opposed to a compatibility angle based on authority transfer (which deals with whether someone can actively subvert parts of themselves [and for how long] if the package being offered is enticing enough).



< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 12/18/2009 4:01:46 PM >

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