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I need help! - 12/15/2009 2:39:25 AM

switchdub24

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/15/2009
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Hi. I've come to this site because I can get no answers from my SO. I discovered some time ago that he is into BDSM and wants to be submissive. He did not tell me but I have good intuition. He doesn't like to talk about his desires or needs. I would say I am a switch. I like to dominate but sometimes I like the role play of being raped. He has a massive foot and boot fetish which I have entertained. I have allowed him to cum on my boots, walked on his chest in my high heels. I have put him on a dog collar and leash in the bedroom, tied his balls to his feet while pulling him off and not allowing him to come. I have always been passionate and into a bit of S&M but I would say in his eyes, this is a vanilla relationship.
The problem now is, we have no sexual interaction at all. I'm as confused as he is. He wants to be dominated, be a slave and be humiliated and be completely submissive. Yet he hates being told what to do, by me at least. I tolerate alot in our relationship and when I stop tolerating, he retaliates like a child. Nowadays, he only ever gets involved sexually if he is getting sexual gratification. I get nothing. It's got to the point now that unless our sex life is completely revolving around role play, he refuses to entertain any type of sex. He says the problem is that I need to lose some weight. I'm 5''2 and 125lbs. I now find myself going from quite an assertive dominant woman to a submissive, controlled and confused housewife.
In all other aspects of our relationship, we are very close and loving. But I wonder if he will ever be happy deep down, if he stays with me in what he sees as a kinky, yet vanilla relationship. Does he even know yet if he's sub or dom? He says he's quite happy doing without sex as everything else between us is so good. Incidentally, the sex used be fantastic when we first met, but that's usually the case. I'm sorry if this sounds like a problem page ad. I just don't know which direction we should go in. Should I stick it out or leave?

Post #: 1

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 3:33:04 AM

Lockit

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He is not submissive. He is demanding and selfish. It seems to be all about him. That's pretty typical.

Make it clear that it is about two and if he cannot be adult and work on this like adults without it being all about him... that isn't loving and that isn't right and you deserve far better.

I am sorry that I am summing it up so harshly, but I speak straight and go the bottom line. From what you discribe... he is like most other's who claim to be submissive. There are wonderful submissive's out there... but he is not one of them. I'd call him on his faulty submission and call it what it is... selfish kink and then if he can't straighten up... go find a decent man.

And I would have him read this thread... because I am sure it is going to contain some things he might need to hear. A demanding child is not someone I would even want to have sex with.. in any way.

I am sorry for your pain and hope you can find a way through this.

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(in reply to switchdub24)

Post #: 2

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 4:51:51 AM

switchdub24

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Joined: 12/15/2009
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I am shocked at how right you are and I wished I had come onto this site a long time ago.

I have been in some vanilla relationships and but most when I have been the dominant one sexually. I enjoy the latter the most. I get bored of vanilla. I'm not saying I don't enjoy love and affection. Of course I do. I'm not into 24/7 D and we are affectionate outside and inside the bedroom. But the mind blowing turn ons are missing. I want to dominate him but he won't be dominated although he wants to be submissive in his eyes.
In my past relationships, I would say jump and they would say how high? I don't chase and I quickly get bored of anyone expecting me to do so. Yet, how have I ended up in this situation with him? I'm dominant, he wants to be submissive, we love eachother, it should be the perfect match yes? We're both new to this and I think that's the problem. I've known this side of me has existed for quite some time and I expect the same goes for him. It's getting us both to meet in the middle is the problem.

We split up for a while this year and I started seeing a guy afterwards. He was dominant in his personality and it turned me off him to the point that we never got past kissing. I knew it wouldn't work. Me and my now SO found our way back to eachother and we both believe we belong together. If I'm right about this and he wants to be submissive, then why is he so uncomfortable in his own skin when the woman he loves is up for the same action? The mind boggles.....

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 3

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 5:09:14 AM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: switchdub24
He says the problem is that I need to lose some weight. I'm 5''2 and 125lbs.

Bullshit. That's a very desirable height/weight combo.

The sonuvabitch is controlling you,. and tearing down your self esteem, trying to make sure you won't dump his sorry ass. He's controlling you, selfish, and tearing you down.

Read here some more and see how much in demand you'd be if you were an unencumbered Domme.

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(in reply to switchdub24)

Post #: 4

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 5:27:20 AM

Lucienne

Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: switchdub24

Nowadays, he only ever gets involved sexually if he is getting sexual gratification. I get nothing. It's got to the point now that unless our sex life is completely revolving around role play, he refuses to entertain any type of sex. He says the problem is that I need to lose some weight. I'm 5''2 and 125lbs.

Ok, I don't think this is a bdsm issue as much as "my partner is a selfish ass" issue. If I'm understanding correctly, he'll still participate in foot fetish acts and CBT play designed to get him off, but he has no interest in doing anything that might stimulate you sexually. If your partner was limiting your sexual intimacy to you performing blow jobs on him, would this seem like an easier question?

His claim that you need to lose weight is non-sensical. He can still get off on you doing things to him. If he maintains that your current physical form makes it impossible for him to find you attractive, then during the sexual acts he enjoys he is basically blocking out your entire personhood and considering you, at best, like a prostitute, and at worse, a sex toy. This is not loving or respectful behavior.

A note on your weight... you write here that you're 125, but your profile states that you're 275. That's the difference between cushion and morbidly obese. I think he's probably using the weight as an excuse for his selfishness, but if he's perfectly sincere about it, you either make an effort to lose weight (taking the chance that he's being honest) or you go find a partner who finds you attractive the way you are. Contrary to the messages sent by mass media, there is no shortage of men who find bigger ladies attractive. You hopefully already know that, but it's always worth repeating.

I'm sorry, but I don't think "new to this" is this problem. You've got a selfish partner who won't be honest about what he's doing (tying his balls to his feet is vanilla??). He is being very honest about what he wants - you performing certain acts on him, and him not reciprocating. Take him at his word. Do you want to be in a relationship where your partner doesn't care to get you off? If the answer is "no," then don't bother trying to "fix" this guy, go find a new one.

(in reply to switchdub24)

Post #: 5

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 5:40:54 AM

switchdub24

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/15/2009
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No, I am definately 125 lbs. I'm petite and beautiful and I have never had a shortage of male attention. I'm not big headed but I'm not bashful either. Must be an error on my profile which I shall sharpely fix. I've emailed him the link to this as there are things he needs to hear. Believe me, he's wonderful in every other way and I don't want to make him out to be some monster. That would make me submissive or incredibly weak for staying with him. I'm not stupid and I know when things are beyond repair and if I thought it was at that stage, then I wouldn't be posting on here. I've got broad shoulders and I don't really give a fuck what he thinks I should or shouldn't look like. Outside of all this, he's loving, generous and I feel safe with him and I trust him. This is a sexual problem between us and I think he's hiding behind being a controller to some extent, maybe because he thinks how he really feels and what he really wants is wrong in society's eyes. It's not wrong in my eyes but maybe he's too busy worrying what other people will think to actually be himself for once in his life.

(in reply to Lucienne)

Post #: 6

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 6:08:15 AM

Venatrix

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Joined: 11/28/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: switchdub24

If I'm right about this and he wants to be submissive, then why is he so uncomfortable in his own skin when the woman he loves is up for the same action? The mind boggles.....

Stay on this site for a while, and your mind will boggle a lot less. This kind of behaviour is very common. The only thing your man is submissive to is his kink. He wants it exactly the way he wants it and your needs be damned. If this is the kind of relationship that you want, go ahead. If not, tell him what has to change and if he isn't willing, have the courage to walk away. You're clearly willing to meet him halfway. Wanting more than that on his part is just plain selfish; if you give him more than you're comfortable with, you'll just enable this behaviour, and nothing will ever change.

Edited to add: If he isn't willing to address your needs, doesn't it tell you everything you ought to know about how he regards your relationship? Couples that are happy, overall, make compromises and want to see their partners fulfilled.

< Message edited by Venatrix -- 12/15/2009 6:58:30 AM >

(in reply to switchdub24)

Post #: 7

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 6:36:08 AM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

Believe me, he's wonderful in every other way and I don't want to make him out to be some monster. That would make me submissive or incredibly weak for staying with him.

Staying with someone who is not treating you right, is not being a submissive or weak. You said yourself, he is wonderful in all other ways, so you are simply trying your best to bring out what you feel is his full potential in the bedroom. That certainly does not make you a submissive in any way that I know of.

I agree with everyone here, he really does sound selfish sexually. He doesn't sound submissive to me, it sounds like you have yourself a self involved bratty child who stomps his feet and holds his breath (Holds out on you) til he gets his own way. There is nothing submissive about that behavior.

As far as your weight goes, there are plenty of women on this site who weigh 68 lbs. let him browse and have fun with those. 5'2" and 125? Fat? Give me a break. Steven is right, he is attempting to tear down your self esteem so that you will feel not worthy of any decent guy out there. Don't let him. Your sexual needs are as equally important as his are. If all he wants is to get himself off, without any regards to you, take him to the redlight district in your town. Make him pay for what he wants done to him. You do deserve better.

MoGa

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(in reply to Venatrix)

Post #: 8

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 6:37:09 AM

Lucienne

Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: switchdub24
That would make me submissive or incredibly weak for staying with him.

There's a lot of room between "selfish ass in the bedroom" and "monster." I still think you're tripping yourself up with bdsm terms unnecessarily. Staying with him doesn't make you submissive. It puts you in the long line of people of all orientations who stayed in relationships that require "fixing." Whether or not that turns out to be a wise decision is yet to unfold.

quote:

This is a sexual problem between us and I think he's hiding behind being a controller to some extent, maybe because he thinks how he really feels and what he really wants is wrong in society's eyes. It's not wrong in my eyes but maybe he's too busy worrying what other people will think to actually be himself for once in his life.

Ok, the mind works in mysterious ways. But it seems to me that a guy with secret guilt about his sexual proclivities is more likely to cease those behaviors, or compensate for them with traditional society-approved vanilla sex, rather than double-down on "only my kink." He may have shame issues about his kink, but it doesn't make sense that these would prevent him from giving you an old-fashioned fuck. Some part of him may be worried about how others would judge him, but he's acting like someone who thinks the only thing that matters is the satisfaction of his kink. To the extent that you can enjoy that, grand! But if you want more, you're not going to get it. I get that you're attached to the guy and enjoy many aspects of the relationship, but this isn't 1954. You shouldn't need to have a heart to heart "honey, my sexual needs matter, too" conversation. Certainly not at this extreme level.

ETA: combining my thoughts with the suggestions of others, a man who is ashamed of his kink but has found a woman to deliver it would have an incentive to tear down the self-esteem of that woman so she will stay with him and deliver the kink. That's just unhealthy. You're wondering why he can't just openly appreciate what you offer freely. Because he is unhealthy.

< Message edited by Lucienne -- 12/15/2009 6:41:45 AM >

(in reply to switchdub24)

Post #: 9

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 7:11:12 AM

switchdub24

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/15/2009
Status: offline

I agree with alot of what is being said. I want to make clear however, that the CBT play was my idea. I was looking for ideas to spice things up. I guessed he was submissive because of other role play we've indulged in so I suggested things and we tried them in the hope that next time it would be my turn. It is me who has suggested we step the kink up a little, not him. However, I will agree that he is quite happy for me to indulge him and he's always too tired when it comes to me. I have had ''the talk'' with him. He's got bigger stresses in his life at the moment so I don't want to push it too far right now. I'm guessing I've opened a Pandora's box here as I've told him to read this posting. Maybe we are trying to fix something, I don't know. We both agree that we're miserable without eachother. I'm not the first one in this situation and I won't be the last. He may be a selfish ass but I love that selfish ass. Thanks for all your replys.

(in reply to Lucienne)

Post #: 10

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 7:28:50 AM

Lucienne

Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: switchdub24
He may be a selfish ass but I love that selfish ass.

I've been there. Hope it works out better for you than it did for me.

(in reply to switchdub24)

Post #: 11

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 7:35:36 AM

Venatrix

Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: switchdub24

I'm guessing I've opened a Pandora's box here as I've told him to read this posting.

Actually, I think this is an excellent idea. He may be quite horrified to see how his behaviour looks to outsiders. Sometimes, we really don't realise until others give us feedback. It's easy to become self-centred, especially if there are "vanilla" problems demanding our attention.

Best of luck to you both.

(in reply to switchdub24)

Post #: 12

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 8:56:19 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

In My opinion, there are two problems that you are missing about your situation. The first is that you're a bit tripped up on your terminology. In the original post and the follow ups, the word "submissive" has been used several times and not one of them has been correct. What you're really dealing with here is a bedroom bottom, and a rather selfish one at that. If you're not getting anything out of these activities, you're not doing anything but being a service top, or a top at best. There really is a difference between the two.

The second problem is that this is not a kink issue. This does boil down to a personality issue. I heard you when you said that he's a great guy and the relationship is wonderful in all of the other areas. I also listened when you stated that he's making remarks about your weight being 125 lbs at 5'2". Sorry, but that means that you're coming in around size 6, which is average in a healthy population. Whether the tearing down that he's attempting to do to you is working or not, it still isn't something that you should be putting up with. That goes for whether you're vanilla, kinky, or chocolate swirl.

The rest of the personality issue is that it sounds like the sex life is more about him than it is about the two of you as a couple. When you did the scene where you allowed him to cum and clean your boots, did you also get sexual gratification from it? (I mean aside from the power trip, which can be a lot of fun.) Did you then order him to please you in a sexual way or did you just let him have his kink and then you got nothing? If it was the latter, when is your turn? You mentioned in the original that you would like to bottom in a rape role play. Would it be possible to even things out a bit by doing a scene for him and then alternating it with a scene for you?

You don't really have a D/s structure to your relationship, so My suggestion here would be the same as I'd say to any other couple in an equal power setting. Yes, show him this thread, then sit down at your kitchen table and discuss your feelings about your sex life. Make a plan on how you're going to improve things. Let him know that, while you enjoy the activities that the two of you are doing now, they aren't quite giving you the satisfaction that you would like to have for yourself. See if you can brainstorm together about some things you would both like that are sexually rewarding for both of you. Then, follow through.

One last, very minor comment, specifically addressing your rape fantasy. From a realistic standpoint, that's not the easiest type of scene for a top (which would be your boyfriend topping you in that instance) to wrap his head around. Work on that one in slow steps, maybe by having him pin you down or bondage during sex, rather than attempting the full scene right away. You still have to work within the comfort zones that you both have for a good sexual relationship.

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(in reply to Venatrix)

Post #: 13

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 9:23:57 AM

switchdub24

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Joined: 12/15/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

The rest of the personality issue is that it sounds like the sex life is more about him than it is about the two of you as a couple. When you did the scene where you allowed him to cum and clean your boots, did you also get sexual gratification from it? (I mean aside from the power trip, which can be a lot of fun.) Did you then order him to please you in a sexual way or did you just let him have his kink and then you got nothing? If it was the latter, when is your turn? You mentioned in the original that you would like to bottom in a rape role play. Would it be possible to even things out a bit by doing a scene for him and then alternating it with a scene for you?

I was away with work at the time and he sent me a picture message. I got my kicks off it but it was the latter. Things were alot better then than they are now. The mojo is gone and no matter what I do, it's still gone. He says it's the weight thing but he's been out with bigger girls than me in the past. Maybe it's a personality thing that doesn't attract him anymore. I'm at a loss. Maybe he's bored that I submit to his needs all the time. No challenge?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
One last, very minor comment, specifically addressing your rape fantasy. From a realistic standpoint, that's not the easiest type of scene for a top (which would be your boyfriend topping you in that instance) to wrap his head around. Work on that one in slow steps, maybe by having him pin you down or bondage during sex, rather than attempting the full scene right away. You still have to work within the comfort zones that you both have for a good sexual relationship.

While I do fantasize about the full scene, we've only gone slow on this and only done it a couple of times. We've never gone beyond our own limits or comfort zones. I would never force him to do anything, neither would he.

It will be interesting to see if he will comment on any of these posts.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 14

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 9:44:36 AM

Venatrix

Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: switchdub24

Things were alot better then than they are now. The mojo is gone and no matter what I do, it's still gone. He says it's the weight thing but he's been out with bigger girls than me in the past. Maybe it's a personality thing that doesn't attract him anymore. I'm at a loss. Maybe he's bored that I submit to his needs all the time. No challenge?

After reading this, I have one last bit of advice, which is in direct opposition to what I said before, given that I had mentioned the need to compromise in a good relationship, even from the D-side, which is: stop trying to please him. You're driving yourself round the twist trying to figure out why he does the things he does and what you ought to do in response to them. So, please yourself. Do nothing that you don't really want to do.

You said you felt you were beautiful, so that doesn't sound to me like someone who wants to lose weight. Therefore, if you don't want to, don't do it. You want a less selfish sex partner? Find one. You want more submission? Find someone who is more submissive. Trying to change your SO or accommodate him is going to leave one or more of you unhappy. If he wants to change, let him. Otherwise, do what you need to do to make yourself happy.

(in reply to switchdub24)

Post #: 15

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 9:48:17 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
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From: Quietville
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quote:

I have put him on a dog collar and leash in the bedroom, tied his balls to his feet while pulling him off and not allowing him to come. I have always been passionate and into a bit of S&M but I would say in his eyes, this is a vanilla relationship.

this fool had his nutz tied to his toes, and he thinks that's vanilla??!!??

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Post #: 16

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 10:32:40 AM

Scotty306134

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Joined: 5/16/2004
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Since you're in the UK are You 125 lbs or 125 kgs?

(in reply to Venatrix)

Post #: 17

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 10:35:29 AM

Venatrix

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Joined: 11/28/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Scotty306134

Since you're in the UK are You 125 lbs or 125 kgs?

Given that I'm 5'10", fortunately, I'm neither; and I won't be back in the UK until early next year. I assume you meant to reply to the OP?

(in reply to Scotty306134)

Post #: 18

RE: I need help! - 12/15/2009 3:52:27 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

He is not submissive. He is demanding and selfish. It seems to be all about him. That's pretty typical.

Make it clear that it is about two and if he cannot be adult and work on this like adults without it being all about him... that isn't loving and that isn't right and you deserve far better.

I am sorry that I am summing it up so harshly, but I speak straight and go the bottom line. From what you discribe... he is like most other's who claim to be submissive. There are wonderful submissive's out there... but he is not one of them. I'd call him on his faulty submission and call it what it is... selfish kink and then if he can't straighten up... go find a decent man.

And I would have him read this thread... because I am sure it is going to contain some things he might need to hear. A demanding child is not someone I would even want to have sex with.. in any way.

I am sorry for your pain and hope you can find a way through this.

I'm sorry for her pain as well...having spent 10 years in a horrifyingly unsatisfying relationship (87 - 97), vowing never again to go through that (ever)...I'd have to say that it's not her....it's not him....and it may not even be them.

(But it probably is..."them").

To the OP:

Be aware that what he seeks may not be what you seek.

Know that what you seek may not be what he seeks.

He may not truly understand what he seeks.

And it's clear you're wondering where all this leads as well.

No one can tell you....here or elsewhere.

You seem intent on finding an answer. There may not be one...and in the end, if you can't find common ground....it more than likely isn't either of your fault(s).

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 12/15/2009 3:55:18 PM >

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 19

RE: I need help! - 12/16/2009 11:38:13 AM

Scotty306134

Posts: 172
Joined: 5/16/2004
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I apoligise for the mixup Venatrix. I was referring to the origional poster. Have a good Holiday. Scotty

(in reply to Venatrix)

Post #: 20

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