the Loved Dominant (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

lally2 -> the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 4:17:50 PM)



this has been fired up by a friend on the other side. A Dominant i have a great deal of respect for in terms of his insight and understanding.

a great deal is talked about how much the submissive needs to feel loved, cared for, cherished.

but what makes a Dominant feel loved.

in the context of D/s and Ms, which is where the relationship springs from what are the aspects of enslavement and submission that make you feel cherished.

is it all about trust. does her level of trust in you = her love for you.

when so much is discussed about how much a sub or slave 'needs' to express herself and does so through submission what part of that 'need' makes you feel loved for you.

as a sub/slave type the love i have felt for a Master went far deeper than for any other man i have known. because he was strict and controlled me? partly. because he took the trouble to know me and understand me? - very much.

and yet i have been told by a slave on here i respect hugely and others i respect that it isnt for a sub or slave to understand her master or even to know him. simply to accept and not question, not seek to know his private, personal mind.

its a very personal question i know, i hope you dont mind me asking.



osf -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 4:23:36 PM)

too much is made of love and not enough of contentment and fulfilment


if it feels right and she feels in place, why question his motives and reasons, he's doing his job



Dominatist -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 4:33:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

too much is made of love and not enough of contentment and fulfilment


if it feels right and she feels in place, why question his motives and reasons, he's doing his job

Well there are many who like me, believe that a committed M/s affair or even real D/s affair can and some think, should be...love affairs like no other. I personally believe that most young female sub/slaves are not truly content or fulfilled...unless there is love.

Do motives need not be questioned ? Isn't that when the drama starts ?



LadyPact -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 4:36:10 PM)

It's not one thing, lally.  It's a thousand little things and then some.

I don't think this is any different on either side of the kneel, except from the opposite direction.  I could sit here and wax poetic on the matter, but I don't know if it would help you to understand.  Much the same as I can not feel what you feel to the depth that you feel it. 

I know that I reap the benefits for My dynamic with clip being what it is.  Did it have to be that way?  No.  Just the same as one can live on oatmeal rather than gourmet food.  You may be able to survive but one is sure as hell better than the other.



AnimusRex -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 5:01:26 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
it isnt for a sub or slave to understand her master or even to know him. simply to accept and not question, not seek to know his private, personal mind.


There is an old saying- "No man is a hero to his valet."
When you serve someone, 24/7, day in day out, for any length of time, you can't help but begin to understand him. Even if you don't have long "What Is The Nature Of Our Relationship" talkfests that makes most men look around for the exit or the scotch or the shotgun, most submissives/ slaves/ wives know their man intimately.

And since few of us are actually as heroic as we make ourselves out to be, the aforementioned submissives/ slaves/ wives see our faults and failings and stay with us and serve us anyway.

Which, when you consider everything, is deeply moving, and makes a man feel very loved and appreciated.



DesFIP -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 5:14:55 PM)

I feel loved because he shows me he loves me and tells me. He feels loved in the same way.

And he said yesterday that I understand him as no other woman he's ever known has, so for him being known and loved for who he is, is as important as it is for me.

I imagine the slave you were talking to sees her master as some sort of ideal creature, not as a fallible human who leaves his socks in balls behind the sofa. Personally I couldn't keep up a relationship with someone I had to view as perfect because I would see the feet of clay and that would ruin it. I wonder how old her relationship is.



KCpower -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 5:26:49 PM)

LOVE....?  LMAO...the acronyn for love is 
Lose
One
Very
Ecouraging

LOVE  PHHHTTTTT



LafayetteLady -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 5:27:34 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

and yet i have been told by a slave on here i respect hugely and others i respect that it isnt for a sub or slave to understand her master or even to know him. simply to accept and not question, not seek to know his private, personal mind.

its a very personal question i know, i hope you dont mind me asking.


Honestly, lally, I think that statement had to come from one of those who does not have a D/s or M/s situation that is based on a loving relationship where they are a "couple." I don't pretend to understand the concept behind such a situation, but from many posts here, I know there are those D-types who don't "love" their s-type and vice versa. Their situation is purely about the BDSM aspects.

For what appears to be a majority here, however, it seems that we have loving relationships that encompass BDSM. There is such a huge difference between the two relationships.

For the relationships where there is a loving relationship, I don't know that I would say what makes either feel loved is really any different than the rest of the world. Sure, the sub wants someone to control and lead them, etc., just like the dom wants someone to serve them. But those "wants" or "needs" if you prefer are part of who those individuals are. All any of us really want is someone who loves us for who we are. We want to know that regardless of (most) mistakes that we make, when we are sick, frail, angry or in a bad mood, that our SO is going to love us anyway.



SexyCarrot -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 6:44:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

i have been told by a slave on here i respect hugely and others i respect that it isnt for a sub or slave to understand her master or even to know him. simply to accept and not question, not seek to know his private, personal mind.



While I agree a sub/slave should never assume they know what their Master is thinking/feeling, and to always be obedient, I find it silly that they should not seek to try to learn and understand their Master. If nothing else, with time, it only makes them a better sub/slave, as they can better anticipate their Master's desires, likes, dislikes, etc.




leadership527 -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 9:35:21 PM)

Well, certainly not everyone is in it for love. I certainly am.

In our case, it is the fact that Carol does not need to submit. She and I had a happy marriage for a long time without overt D/s. That option is open to her now. So how else could I possible view her willingness to give herself to me other than a direct statement of the love, trust, and respect that she has for me? For me, at least, it is a very eloquent statement. Carol worries that she does not say she loves me enough, but to me, the collar around her neck is far more eloquent than an endless stream of words.

Insofar as what the other slave told you, to each their own. But any statement that starts out with "A [insert role name here] should (or should not)...." is destined to be wrong since it is blatantly one true wayism. I'm not real inclined to have anyone else... sub or dom... telling me what I should and should not want. For my money, there is only one basic requirement for each role. The dominant must take charge. The submissive must follow the dominant's lead in whatever way such things have been agreed to. Beyond that, it's all flavor du-jour.



MMagic -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 11:01:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Psychonaut23

quote:

but what makes a Dominant feel loved.


What makes God feel loved?  Obedience, sacrifice, fear, faith.  Confirm my belief in myself.  Tell me you believe me when I say I can do anything I set my mind too.  Tell me that and it becomes true.

quote:

is it all about trust. does her level of trust in you = her love for you.


Trust, faith.  Same thing.  Does she believe me when I saw there are no limits to how high we can go? 

quote:

and yet i have been told by a slave on here i respect hugely and others i respect that it isnt for a sub or slave to understand her master or even to know him. simply to accept and not question, not seek to know his private, personal mind.


I don't want to be understood.  Writing fulfills any desire I might have to be understood, and more than that...I have dived so deep inside myself and seen how far it goes down -- I am not the rope across an abyss, I am the abyss as well -- that I could write forever and still not reveal all of myself.  How could anyone else ever hope to understand me?  Attempts to understand me always feel invasive, aggressive.  Like there is a box and someone is trying to make me fit inside.

I don't want to be understood.  That means nothing to me.  That's what other people want.  I want you to be impressed.  I want you to be afraid to look directly at me because in your eyes I burn like the sun.


Damn....



dreamerdreaming -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/20/2009 11:17:44 PM)

Fast Reply:

Being trusted- having that trust demonstrated over time, makes me feel trusted.

Being loved-  having that love demonstrated over time, makes me feel loved.

The two are entirely separate. But without trust, love will wither and die.

Having love shown in all the many ways that it can be shown, including verbally- is what makes me feel loved.



Level -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/21/2009 3:22:35 AM)

Rex mentioned being appreciated. Very important, and it needs to be shown (for me). Showing interest, and trust, and respect.



persephonee -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/21/2009 4:54:32 AM)

~FR~

lally,

He loves me, and i love him right back. Serving him wasnt based on that concept when i got here, but it became the case.

Sometimes i think that defines our relationship, and sometimes i think that him finding me pleasing and obediant defines it.
Sometimes i think he loves me, therefore cant truly enslave me, and sometimes i think that without love, i wouldnt be enslaved.

i dont know which opinion is the most true, but i know i hold them all as true to the dynamic that i am in at different times.

i also think that i think about what i think our dynimic is wayyyy more than he does. ( and i think he enjoys watching me navigate it out loud...sadist)

In the end, you can only go by what you have at the time, and how it feels. Make a decision and then back it up wholeheartedly, commit to it, live it and wait and see.




lally2 -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/21/2009 6:07:16 AM)

i know ive said this before - but i do so love you guys. sending smoochy love xxxx

i realised a moment ago that one of the main reasons i cant move on from my exSir (once removed) is because two fundamental things happened between us that has never happened before. and i think it reflects what all you peeps are saying

and i cant take credit for working this out. this friend on the other side, who seems to have taken an interest in my 'growth' has been nudging me to push this dichotomy along.

the two things that happened: i trusted, accepted and appreciated my exSir (something he repeatedly mentions) and he made me feel cherished, understood and respected. not all at once, not simultaneously, these things developed and perhaps only now are being discussed.

its not until now that ive learnt that when a Dominant feels trusted, accepted and appreciated a deeper connection is made.

i know theres no formula to love or affection. every one is different. but i will go out and say that though we are all very different people we are of a kind, an ilk and what drives us to achieve and maintain our relationships is peculiar to us. yes you can equate all of the above to vanilla too. but i dont have to point out the obvious differences between mainstream and D/sers or Msers and how much what we do requires greater trust and acceptance.

for a sub to accept their Dominant, no matter how hard they can be, strict, sadistic or whatever. giving them the feeling that we trust them, accept them and appreciate them gives them greater space and freedom to express their innate qualities and personalities.

... i think [:D] far be it from me to suggest to D types how they feel and operate. just musing this a bit more.



KnightofMists -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/21/2009 6:45:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

but i dont have to point out the obvious differences between mainstream and D/sers or Msers and how much what we do requires greater trust and acceptance.



THIS IS DEAD WRONG! I suggest that you don't seek to undermine the strength of other relationship types to increase your ego!

The amount of trust and acceptance required in a relationship is dependent on the people involved in the relationship and NOT the type of dynamic such intimate relationship has.




osf -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/21/2009 6:55:35 AM)

hear hear

a married woman with half a dozen kids has a lot riding on her mate

i think the word trust is over used and misused quite a lot



NihilusZero -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/21/2009 7:06:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

but i dont have to point out the obvious differences between mainstream and D/sers or Msers and how much what we do requires greater trust and acceptance.



THIS IS DEAD WRONG! I suggest that you don't seek to undermine the strength of other relationship types to increase your ego!

The amount of trust and acceptance required in a relationship is dependent on the people involved in the relationship and NOT the type of dynamic such intimate relationship has.

Actually...she has a point (with the trust part). It isn't about ego-fluffing. It's about the fact that D/s or M/s is based specifically on the surrender of areas of control/trust that "mainstream" relationships do not delve into. The greater surrender on the part of the s-type and the greater responsibility on the side of the D-type (on average) make for a relationship more focused on greater degrees of facet-based trust.

Now, I don't think "acceptance" is any more applicable at all. Everyone here still toys with their own nooks and crannies of biases and is no more likely to deviate from them than anyone else in a relationship that has the parameters they are already looking for.



lally2 -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/21/2009 7:48:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

but i dont have to point out the obvious differences between mainstream and D/sers or Msers and how much what we do requires greater trust and acceptance.



THIS IS DEAD WRONG! I suggest that you don't seek to undermine the strength of other relationship types to increase your ego!

The amount of trust and acceptance required in a relationship is dependent on the people involved in the relationship and NOT the type of dynamic such intimate relationship has.




im amazed you feel this so strongly. and it has nothing to do with ego.

if i have a bloke about to tie me up and beat me im gonna need to trust him 100%



osf -> RE: the Loved Dominant (12/21/2009 7:54:23 AM)

i think we need a working definition of trust and what engenders feelings of trust

also the difference between civility and trust and between attitudes and behaviors



Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875