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LadyPact -> RE: Wondering what you would do..... (12/23/2009 12:21:05 PM)
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Ok. You did what I asked. You answered My question so now I will answer yours.
If it were Me, I would realize the fact that this person did not respect My feelings on what seems to be an obvious preference for monogamy, look to see if there were truly areas of incompatibility, put My damn foot down about him ceasing feeding into the low self esteem issues, and if I couldn't resolve these things, I would leave.
The reason that I asked you the question that I did was because you don't have a kink issue. What you have are compatibility, relationship, and self worth issues. Those have nothing to do with kink and would be the same problems that you would still have even if you took all of the kink away. If you weren't kinky, and he was seeking someone because he wants variety (i.e. different body type), you can't go back and blame that or his actions on kink.
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ORIGINAL: SomethingElse9
Thank you so much for all of the opinions and advice! I am truly amazed at the amount of people willing to read my "problem" and be willing to input solid advice or just their opinion, it is very much appreciated.
1) I have spoken to him about how I feel. He has never shown real interest in me being domme with him even though I feel I am even better at domme than he is and could probably teach him a few things without him investing time and money on a different person to be domme.
Problem number one. The reason he doesn't see you as a Dominant female is because it's very obvious who controls who in this situation. You are putting up with whatever situation he chooses to give you. That is not the way Dominant women handle matters. You don't have the confidence to say that you want monogamy, put your foot down, and see it through. That's not his fault. That's your fault. His behavior is exactly what you are allowing it to be.
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2) His friends and family love and adore me and visa versa. This is the aspect that makes the situation the most difficult aside from the feelings I do believe are true for him. They know nothing about this side of our relationship. I do not think they would suspect anything like this is happening.
Problem two. His friends and family don't have anything to do with this, nor should they. If you are unhappy in the relationship, being on good terms with them isn't exactly making you less miserable.
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3) I do need to seek some kind of therapy and show myself more respect, no matter ends up coming of this relationship. As someone said in this thread that not even their 19 year old self would put up with this and I had to think to myself that would be so true of my 19 year old self. I have become a shell of my former self somehow. I am a strong woman though and have been through a lot in my life so I am positive I will come out of this thriving.
Problem three. You have obviously ignored this situation for too long. Follow through on getting some help. That one is actually positive.
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4) As for the question about the kink involved in our relationship......we were not kinky together really at all for the first few months we were seeing each other. Then he asked me if I was into bdsm at all and I said yes. It all started from there and it has been an interesting/eye-opening experience because I have never been submissive with anyone before. I think that is part of the thing that draws me to him too. (something someone else said in here too) Aside from the bdsm being involved with us I do like the person he is a great deal. We get along personality wise very well. But......
Problem four. Hey, I know gals who have been in physically abusive (non BDSM type) relationships that would literally say, "Yes, he abuses me against my will, but otherwise, he's a great guy". I don't care how wonderful he is if he doesn't respect your feelings or has behaviors that don't have any integrity. If he can't be up front with you about wanting to be with other women and goes behind your back to do it, sorry, but he isn't winning any prizes.
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5) Having been raised in a very abusive household as a child and been lied to and having had to lie to make my home life a secret I cannot stand this aspect of him and our relationship. I feel as though the only ways I find out new information about him are when I catch him and then he jokes about it like he thought I already knew or he gets defensive and tells me not to worry about it. I found a suitcase in his closet full of women's clothing because I knew he had put all of our sex toys in there. I did not know he was into cross dressing. He could have just told me that in the first place. I let it go because I felt like maybe I was doing something wrong to make him not feel safe to tell me. I can only blame myself for so long though. This is not to even mention that his own profile on this site lies to everyone. He does not mention me at all, he does not say he is just looking for a domme (he lists switches and subs too), he does not say he is domme or a switch but purely submissive and he never is open about the women he is talking to or when/if he is going to meet them.
Problem five. He lies to you because you tolerate it. Why should he stop? There obviously aren't any consequences for his actions. You aren't showing him that you have the strength to make him tell you the truth. He's getting away with exactly what he wants to. You haven't put a stop to it, why should he?
Now, I don't believe in just bitching about a problem without offering a solution. Here's what you do.
1. Like I said above, follow through on working on your self esteem. It isn't anywhere near the level that you could be. That's regardless of if you're kinky, not kinky, sub, Domme, or any other label that you put on yourself.
2. Sit down with him and have some serious communication. It's probably going to take more than just once. Start coming to some kind of common ground on some big issues such as monogamy, poly, hard limits, honesty, areas you are compatible in, and those that you aren't. Even as a s-type, you have every right to leave a situation that is being mentally and emotionally damaging to you if it's not the one you want to be in. If this can't be something that is mutually beneficial to the two of you, use your feet.
3. Stick around CM. There's a lot more to learn here than some might think.
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