lovingpet
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Joined: 6/19/2005
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ORIGINAL: ranja
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ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
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ORIGINAL: lovingpet
Addressed toward those upholding honesty and fidelity... which I believe I have always kept and still do possess in my relationship, do you believe that a shift in the marriage dyanmics such as what I have had is acceptable? Is that still fidelity? I am confused about how anyone can possibly cover all the contingencies of what if prior to marrying. There are a lot of life experiences and attendant perspective changes over a lifetime. How does one deal with those if only the pre existing, previously agreed upon rules can ever apply?
lovingpet
You and your husband made a decision that a "shift" was needed. While you may have sorted some of the issues out in your head before you spoke to him, from what you have said, nothing was done until the discussion was had.
Now some people might say that you are not faithful to your marriage. I believe you were. To me, the infidelity that everyone here is discussing is the kind that involves deceit. For those who found something lacking and then went and had that difficult discussion with their spouse (and I can't imagine starting that converstaion was easy) and came to an agreement of how to move forward, I think it is wonderful that has happened. It doesn't mean that I would ever be able to do it (I don't think I could share my partner), but I don't feel it is wrong for people who choose that route.
What I think is wrong, and will always think is wrong is for people to be deceitful to their partner in order to get what they want.
indeed, people and their relationships change, life is not static... emotions, feelings, needs are all forever changing... also many people in long term relationships will find at some point that they are not on the same page...
indeed for many at some point a "shift" is needed.
it is admirable that lovingpet has been able to talk to her husband about her needs and that he has been willing to open the relationship up for her to look for a Dom... it might work out brilliant for all of them...
But he also could have been disgusted and left her... maybe he is disgusted and has not told her (is that considered cheating too? or could he simply have been too shell shocked to have made up his mind earlier about his feelings?)... or maybe he decides a few months or years down the line that indeed he does not like this arrangement, will lovingpet then just break with her Dom and go back to the husband?
Maybe the husband will meet another woman and leave lovingpet... is he allowed this? Is she prepared to accept this?
Maybe lovingpet will become so involved with her new Dom that she decides to move in with him and divorce her husband eventhough she did not plan on that before hand... is she forbidden this closer bond with the new Dom because she agreed with the husband to remain married?
Maybe the marriage will not survive... maybe the D/s relationship will not survive either... maybe be all of them will end up alone.
Eventhough all people might try to be as honest as possible they still all might get totally hurt...
Maybe lovingpet's Dom will cheat on her and dump her and maybe her husband will help her get through her difficulties... maybe their marriage will remain strong and lovingpet's dallying outside their marriage will be just a painful blip for her husband... something he rather would not have known about...
It could be that in certain situations honesty to get what you want is more hurtful than deceit.
and i think inherently all people will try to get what they want...
My husband used to accuse me of being selfish when we argued about stuff... i used to think that was such a strange thing to accuse me off... of course i am selfish... we are such a good match for each other what that is concerned because he is not an iota less selfish than me, why even mention it?
All the senarios you mentioned and more have played through my head, especially as the time for the move draws nearer. If we want to look at it another way, my husband has had the opportunity to consent to everything that has happened up to this point and will continue to do so. If at some point he does not consent, we will have to decide what to do. Deceit removes the chance to consent or not and work things based on that decision. I find it very disrespectful to the uninvolved partner to basically state that this matter is just too big and bad for them to handle and so I will act unilaterally. I see it as treating someone like a child. Honestly, there are difficult things in life and sheltering another adult from that fact does not honor them or the relationship in any way. I am also not one to coddle children all that much either. Life is hard, dirty, unfair, and doesn't always go the way we thought it would. Not only do we get called upon to honor our partner's choices, but also to give them a choice in the first place. Deceit strips a partner of any choice whatsoever. The dishonesty, lack of respect, and clear lack of trust in me would hurt me to the core. That isn't even in question. How I might feel about what my partner would reveal is less certain. There are no guarantees in life. I would say that honesty, trust, and respect, however, are always a good bet.
lovingpet
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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me
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