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Lockit -> RE: Married People and the Lifestyle (12/29/2009 1:57:56 PM)
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ORIGINAL: ranja
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ORIGINAL: Lockit
I do look at a commitment as a serious thing. My problem with going outside a commitment is the damage you do to people you claim to love or care for. Cheating or lying is not an accident. It is intentional and therefore the results of the actions taken for personal gain are intentional, thought out or not. They intended to get what they wanted without much concern for who their actions might wound. And a lying and cheating spouse who claims to love you and has committed to you is a pretty hefty wound to most people.
All true... but also true is that it is entirely possible to stumble upon a person or be in a certain situation and there is a spark and the current just drags you along and you find nourishment for a parched soul... an extra marital affair can be and accident... it can also be extremely empowering for somebody who has been stuck in a dreadful rut with no energy left to make a difference...
There is no knowing how a 'cheater' struggles with their concious... to assume that someone just fucks about 'cos' they don't give a damn is very short sighted in most situations.
Of course the wound can be hefty when shit hits the fan... but in a lot of cases it is not like there is nothing festering under the surface to start with... a dull aching pain that was there for quite some time...
i think quite often the person who was cheated on does NOT take on their share in the problem
Justification and excuses. If one is so parched, they should figure out why they are parched and remedy the situation without causing harm to themselves and others. Address the reasons and find solutions that bring a stronger charactor rather than a weaker one because they gave in to their parched and didn't find solutions that would do less damage. If another is a part of how they became parched, of course they have a role in things... it all should be addressed before we invite another to join the chaos.
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You can't hang with the one you committed yourself to... leave. It may do some wounds, but it won't be the kind of betrayal that lying and cheating cause. Staying for the children? Who says we are doing them any favors by staying in a marriage or commitment we do not honor enough to have the loving it takes on both sides to make it loving and enjoyable for both. How many children get angry with a parent that cheated on the other and why would they get angry about that? One can leave a relationship without leaving the children. If it is that big a deal in the situation, then you raise those children and do the right thing because they didn't ask to be brought into a situation and deserve good parents and then you go seek what you want.
If things are bad in a marriage you might work at it to fix it rather than chuck it in the bin... the rewards might be well worth it... things can be repaired and made better than they were before in a lot of cases if people are prepared to put some work into it...
Children who struggle with parents who cheated mainly do so because A. it was the cause of the marriage breaking down... or B. because it remained a problem... there was no understanding or compromise reached between the parents and the 'victim' managed to poison the children with their sorrow... i have seen this many times... the first time i saw it was when i was a child myself... i have always wondered about children being so dimwitted about their own parents and about parents dragging their children into their own pathetic quarrels.
You can not leave a relationship without making some dent into your children's life... there is just noway for a child to be not affected if their mummy and daddy are splitting up, no matter how civilised you go about it, their trust in you will be damaged.
Being a good parent does not mean that you have to split up if someone is cheating.
You might even argue that to put ones own selfish need to split up from their spouse to freely pursue their own sexual needs will make for a worse parent that the one who 'sacrifices' and fore-goes that legitimately fucking about pleasure and remains in the relationship to provide a stable home for their offspring... so unfortunately ends up cheating.
also some people cheat and immediately confess because they can not live with the guilt... some of them totally unnecessarily hurt their partners
some people cheat very discreetly and live with the guilt
Again, justification and excuses. Address the real problems before creating more problems. Because someone can recover from lies or cheating or failures of any kind, doesn't mean that is a sound or healthy way to handle whatever is going on. What people do to children in divorce, cheating and lying is a shame and wrong. If you are a parent.. I don't give a fuck how parched you are... how anything you are... do what is best for all concerned especially the young ones. If you cannot make the marriage work... then by all means make the divorce as simple and easy as a divorce can be and make sure those kids are taken care of... first!
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Do no harm... at least... try to do no harm. I haven't met one person who was sorry they took the road of strength and denied themselves to assure the happiness of those they were committed to... I have met many who were sorry that they didn't though.
Of course... i think most people try their best...
Yes, some do... and some need to try harder.
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