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LadyAngelika -> RE: when did you decide (12/23/2009 4:08:28 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: osf
quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
quote:
There wasn't a decision involved. I just am.
Initially I was going to ditto AquaticSub. But I'm going to modify it slightly and I slowly came into myself. I've always had a dominant personality but I only really started becoming comfortable with it being a part of my sexuality in my early 30s. I had experiences prior to that on both sides dom/sub but really got to know what I wanted after I met my mentor.
Everyone gets to where they are going at different rythms and by different paths. The importance is discovering who we are and what makes us happy.
- LA
it seems to take dominant types longer to sort out the details
Without having actual evidence of this, I will say that I wouldn't be surprised if that comment was true.
For me it's really, the hesitation to fully accept my sexuality is threefold:
- The Dominant Woman: If I had a dime for everytime I heard something along the lines of "Men don't like aggressive women, they might have them as a lover but they won't be the woman they marry. Try working on acting more demure, more passive." Wanting a stable, lasting relationship, I tried to suppress this side of me, but of course it would resurface and it would cause tension. I've always been attracted to socially dominant men, so this rarely turned out well for me. It wasn't until I started meeting socially dominant men who desired to be submissive in a relationship that things started to go better.
- The Bisexual Woman: Now my dominant side worked better with certain women (not all) and so I stayed on this side of the fence for a while. But I always felt incomplete in relationships with women. I really feel more complete in a relationship with a man. That took some time to figure out too.
- The Sadistic Woman: This was the scariest bit. The first time a boy put a crop whip in my hand, I was 27. We started to play, at first he wanted more so I let myself go, and as I did, I started to feel so incredibly alive and excited. When he started telling me that it was getting too much, I didn't want to stop. It took everything in me to stop (to be honest, he had to beg me a few times to stop). That scared the crap out of me. I mean, what kind of monster was I? I didn't want to be this? I was a good person. It took another 3 years before I picked up another torture instrument. In the meantime, I was a bottom to sadistic tops, trying to understand this dynamic.
I can talk about this clearly now. Hindsight is 20/20. It wasn't so clear while it was going on. It was actually really confusing at times.
It feels so good to have a clear grasp on where I'm going now. A great deal of this I owe to my mentor, a Sadistic dominant man. Also, being on these forums 5 years ago and lately have helped a lot in talking it (writing it) through.
- LA
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