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Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 10:57:13 AM   
FirmhandKY


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Some bathroom humor here, so if you aren't a fan .... run away!

I was sitting in my upstairs bathroom, "doing my business", when I noticed that I was absent the required paper cleaning supplies.  Since I always have my cell phone on me (except in the shower), I called my lovely pet to bring me some ...

While sitting there, several things occurred to me, about things we have probably all experienced from time to time, yet never - EVER - talk about.

Let's talk about them. 

First, who has ever been "doing their business", went to wipe, and ended up dipping part of their hand into the water?  Or even nudging a floater in the process? 

Come on ... no lying!

Second, if you are a guy, and are sitting down, doing both things, have had the experience of the angle of your urine ejection system perfectly aligned with the gap between the toilet seat, and the toilet bowl, thereby allowing a perfect stream of the yellow liquid to totally miss it's intended receptacle, and escape into "the wild"?

Further, in that situation, who has had their clothing bunched at their feet, and have the stream thoroughly soak their clothing ... yet you didn't figure it out until you pulled everything up?  ecch!

Well, that's a couple that I'm willing to share.  I have others, but in the interest of brevity and a lack of desire to totally humiliate myself, I'll leave some others for later.

Tell me your stories. 

Firm


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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 11:05:18 AM   
domiguy


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Status: offline 		Well Firmy,  being that the Domidong is not immune to such mishaps. I'll share what i know.

Pisshaps and mishaps..It tends to happen most often after fucking when some sort of crud finds it's way to clog up da hole....You line everything dead on, like some foreigner kickin a field goal and low and behold the piss just shoots off straight to the left or right....It's a frickin' mystery?  What the fuck?  You give the ol' head a squeeze or two to dislodge the crud and then you are back in bizness...Leaving poor treasure to clean up the mess.

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:00:10 PM   
FirmhandKY


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quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Well Firmy,  being that the Domidong is not immune to such mishaps. I'll share what i know.

Pisshaps and mishaps..It tends to happen most often after fucking when some sort of crud finds it's way to clog up da hole....You line everything dead on, like some foreigner kickin a field goal and low and behold the piss just shoots off straight to the left or right....It's a frickin' mystery?  What the fuck?  You give the ol' head a squeeze or two to dislodge the crud and then you are back in bizness...Leaving poor treasure to clean up the mess.


Yup.

Been there.  Done that.

Firm


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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:27:47 PM   
Marc2b


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Joined: 8/7/2006
Status: offline 		The only one you mentioned that has happened to me was the pulling up the clothes to discover a pissed soaked crotch. But in my case it was worse - much, much, worse. It wasn't my piss! I was at work at the time and somebody had left a puddle on the floor in front of the toilet!

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I grabbed my jacket and wrapped it around my waist and then ran out the door yelling, "I HAVE TO GO HOME FOR A BIT! PERSONAL EMERGENCY! I'LL BE BACK LATER!"

I threw some newspaper down on the car seat before sitting down and drove home - above all posted speed limits - while going, "DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! OH GROSS! OH GROSS! OH GROSS! EEEWWW! EEWWW! EEEWWW!"

When I got home I peeled of my clothes and threw them into the washing machine and then ran into the shower where I spent a good hour scrubbing the ammo chambers and the gun with hot water and soap.

Then I called my boss to tell him what had happened. He was very understanding and told me to go ahead and take the rest of the day off.

That happened nearly twenty years ago and I still get an "eeewww" when I think about it.

There is one bathroom problem I have (and I bet I'm not the only guy this happens to), usually on hot and humid summer days. I sit my ass down on the john to take a dump and...

MY BALLS DIP INTO THE TOILET WATER!!!!

Well, I don't want my balls where the shit is going to be floating around in a minute so of course I pull them up. The problem is that some of the muscles you use to pull your balls up are the same ones you use to push the shit out. Start pushing the shit out - the balls go down. Pull the balls up - the shit don't get pushed out. It becomes a very delicate balancing act where you have push/pull, push/pull until you have pushed the shit out enough for it to slide out on its own and then you have to pull the balls up quickly.

Well, it's winter so I shouldn't have to worry about that for another six months.

Edited for spelling.

< Message edited by Marc2b -- 12/23/2009 12:41:42 PM >

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:30:23 PM   
Marc2b


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quote:

Pisshaps and mishaps..It tends to happen most often after fucking when some sort of crud finds it's way to clog up da hole....You line everything dead on, like some foreigner kickin a field goal and low and behold the piss just shoots off straight to the left or right....It's a frickin' mystery? What the fuck? You give the ol' head a squeeze or two to dislodge the crud and then you are back in bizness...Leaving poor treasure to clean up the mess.


Oh yeah... the after sex, fire hose, piss. That one sucks - especially if the piss stream goes straight up, hits the ceiling, and then drips back down on you.

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:33:07 PM   
Jeffff


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Status: offline 		That was pretty fucking gross dude.

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:35:52 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
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Status: offline 		When you are on your period, and you wipe and a blood clot sticks to your finger! (Hey! you asked for it!)

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:36:39 PM   
mnottertail


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Status: offline 		Uff Da.

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:39:19 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Marc2b

The only one you mentioned that has happened to me was the pulling up the clothes to discover a pissed soaked crotch. But in my case it was worse - much, much, worse. It wasn't my piss! I was at work at the time and somebody had left a puddle on the floor in front of the toilet!

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I grabbed my jacket and wrapped it around my waist and then ran out the door yelling, "I HAVE TO GO HOME FOR A BIT! PERSONAL EMERGENCY! I'LL BE BACK LATER!"

I threw some newspaper down on the car seat before sitting down and drove home - above all posted speed limits - well going, "DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! OH GROSS! OH GROSS! OH GROSS! EEEWWW! EEWWW! EEEWWW!"

When I got home I peeled of my clothes and threw them into the washing machine and then ran into the shower where I spent a good hour scrubbing the ammo chambers and the gun with hot water and soap.

Then I called my boss to tell him what had happened. He was very understanding and told me to go ahead and take the rest of the day off.

That happened nearly twenty years ago and I still get an "eeewww" when I think about it.

There is one bathroom problem I have (and I bet I'm not the only guy this happens to), usually on hot and humid summer days. I sit my ass down on the john to take a dump and...

MY BALLS DIP INTO THE TOILET WATER!!!!

Well, I don't want my balls where the shit is going to be floating around in a minute so of course I pull them up. The problem is that some of the muscles you use to pull your balls up are the same ones you use to push the shit out. Start pushing the shit out - the balls go down. Pull the balls up - the shit don't get pushed out. It becomes a very delicate balancing act where you have push/pull, push/pull until you have pushed the shit out enough for it to slide out on its own and then you have to pull the balls up quickly.

Well, it's winter so I shouldn't have to worry about that for another six months.


This post has me laughing like a mad fool.......thank you Marc!!!


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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:42:40 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
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Status: offline 		I don't see any humor in the misfortune of others!




Oh, wait, Yes I DO!


Nevermind

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:50:45 PM   
Marc2b


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Joined: 8/7/2006
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quote:

This post has me laughing like a mad fool.......thank you Marc!!!


You're welcome. While the piss crotch incident still grosses me out a little whenever I think of it, I can't help but laugh at it either. As for the balls in the toilet water problem - I know that women's equipment can cause some unique problems, but never let it be said that a guys equipment doesn't come with it's own unique set of challenges.

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:56:06 PM   
dreamerdreaming


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quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

thereby allowing a perfect stream of the yellow liquid to totally miss it's intended receptacle, and escape into "the wild"?



Fast reply:

This can happen to women, too. Our stream can angle a bit to the front, especially if its being pushed out forcefully... and if we don't angle our pelvis back just a bit to compensate, if and we're sitting far forward on the toilet anyway, it can stream out over and down the front of the toilet... and yes it can soak our pants... Or so I've ummm... heard...


I count myself lucky, that I have a slaveboy to pee in. Yummmm! 

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 12:57:11 PM   
LaTigresse


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Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		With that said I remember one family gathering at the farm. Grandpa, a 90+ yo man went in to use the basement bathroom. There was a whoop and "Jaysus christ LeeAnn you got some cold damned water!!" followed by a stream of  heavily Czeck accented cursing.

I learned something about male anatomy that day.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 1:10:04 PM   
Sanguinarian


Posts: 474
Joined: 8/13/2008
Status: offline 		Half the shit on here I am just laughing my ass off. Is it because I have experienced the feminine half of the deal? Maybe. I'll never telllllllll

My worst was when I was in France with my school, and needed to pee hellla badly. Well, all they have in those public bathrooms is a hole in the floor. Now after each person uses it, it is sanitized ( supposedly ) . SO, I put my Francs in the little thingie, and the door slid open. And there was this huge pile of shit overflowing the hole in the floor. I mean farm, cow manure, pig-in-feces kinda thing.


Needless to say I decided to wait until we got back to our hotel room.

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 1:10:43 PM   
FirmhandKY


Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Marc2b

The only one you mentioned that has happened to me was the pulling up the clothes to discover a pissed soaked crotch. But in my case it was worse - much, much, worse. It wasn't my piss! I was at work at the time and somebody had left a puddle on the floor in front of the toilet!

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I grabbed my jacket and wrapped it around my waist and then ran out the door yelling, "I HAVE TO GO HOME FOR A BIT! PERSONAL EMERGENCY! I'LL BE BACK LATER!"

I threw some newspaper down on the car seat before sitting down and drove home - above all posted speed limits - while going, "DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! OH GROSS! OH GROSS! OH GROSS! EEEWWW! EEWWW! EEEWWW!"

When I got home I peeled of my clothes and threw them into the washing machine and then ran into the shower where I spent a good hour scrubbing the ammo chambers and the gun with hot water and soap.

Then I called my boss to tell him what had happened. He was very understanding and told me to go ahead and take the rest of the day off.

That happened nearly twenty years ago and I still get an "eeewww" when I think about it.

There is one bathroom problem I have (and I bet I'm not the only guy this happens to), usually on hot and humid summer days. I sit my ass down on the john to take a dump and...

MY BALLS DIP INTO THE TOILET WATER!!!!

Well, I don't want my balls where the shit is going to be floating around in a minute so of course I pull them up. The problem is that some of the muscles you use to pull your balls up are the same ones you use to push the shit out. Start pushing the shit out - the balls go down. Pull the balls up - the shit don't get pushed out. It becomes a very delicate balancing act where you have push/pull, push/pull until you have pushed the shit out enough for it to slide out on its own and then you have to pull the balls up quickly.

Well, it's winter so I shouldn't have to worry about that for another six months.

Edited for spelling.


Great stories, Marc!  Exactly what I meant!

Shit happens!

I will say though ... apparently, either you have a "loose sack", or mine is on the small side.  Never had the "balls in the water problem" ... that I remember.

Firm


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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 1:14:18 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Firm, from what grandpa told me............just wait and time will take care of that issue for you.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 1:15:00 PM   
Marc2b


Posts: 6660
Joined: 8/7/2006
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quote:

I learned something about male anatomy that day.


Do you know about shrinkage?



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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 1:16:48 PM   
FirmhandKY


Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

thereby allowing a perfect stream of the yellow liquid to totally miss it's intended receptacle, and escape into "the wild"?



Fast reply:

This can happen to women, too. Our stream can angle a bit to the front, especially if its being pushed out forcefully... and if we don't angle our pelvis back just a bit to compensate, if and we're sitting far forward on the toilet anyway, it can stream out over and down the front of the toilet... and yes it can soak our pants... Or so I've ummm... heard...


Does this mean, that if you tilt it the other way ... you could use a urinal?  Or pee outside, standing up?

I knew a women who could do that, when she wanted to.  It messes with a man's map of reality, I'll admit. 

Firm


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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 1:19:01 PM   
FirmhandKY


Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Firm, from what grandpa told me............just wait and time will take care of that issue for you.

Damn.

Didn't need to hear that. 

Firm


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RE: Gross stuff we never talk about ... - 12/23/2009 1:24:03 PM   
Marc2b


Posts: 6660
Joined: 8/7/2006
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quote:

I will say though ... apparently, either you have a "loose sack", or mine is on the small side. Never had the "balls in the water problem"


That's the only good thing about the balls in the water problem - it means you likely have big balls. Now only if my comfortably average sized pecker could have kept up - it's led to some false first impressions:

"STOP LAUGHING! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! IT'S A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE!"

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