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ElanSubdued -> RE: The Over-Fetishization of the Dominant Woman (1/1/2010 9:43:06 PM)
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LadyAngelika, Pollux, and Everyone;
quote:
Pollux wrote:
So, let's consider the profile picture for a generic female dominant, frustrated with male subs who (in her estimation) are "over-fetishizing" her. The picture shows two shapely and beautiful dominant women enticing a male slave bound at the wrists, erect, with one woman behind him stripping off his loin cloth, and the other caressing his face, smiling sweetly, with a whip in one hand... surely about to administer a whipping. Just what signal is this woman sending? And then she claims that male subs are over-fetishizing her? C'mon. Ladies, you can't have it both ways. You want to stop male subs from over-fetishizing you? Stop trading in the currency of male sub fantasies, and start trading in the currency of your humanity.
I understand Pollux's comment and agree and disagree. On a surface level, advertising with such an avatar (or with kinky, sexy pictures) is likely to tantalize and inspire the more prurient, lascivious interests of men and women alike. That's part of the conundrum when looking for a partner with whom to share the adult, mind and body candy we call BDSM. BDSM plays to fantasies. It plays to sexuality. It gets adrenalin, endorphins, and the fantasy mind working in high gear. It inspires lust that is sometimes vociferously out of balance and unwanted. This is where life experience and maturity are helpful on both sides of the fence.
While I agree with the point of view regarding presenting oneself in appropriate ways for the goals (and people) one wishes to meet, I think Lady Angelika's avatar was taken out of context. The avatar is part of a much bigger profile that is detailed, well written, and extremely human and balanced. Pollux: Lady Angelika invited you to read her profile and to give feedback privately. Instead, you focused on her avatar publicly, which I don't think was a gentlemanly thing to do. Ironically, and perhaps inadvertently, this demonstrates just how powerful images can be, especially when misinterpreted. The image is a work by English artist Sardax. There's a lovely symbiosis portrayed as it conveys mutual trust, love, respect, sensuality, and power coming from both the domme and submissive. An adjunct to an already multifaceted profile, it's tastefully alluring in it's complexity and in what it reveals about the the mind and sexuality of the "hot, domme babe" who posted it. :-)
The OP addresses (largely) domme/boy introductions so I'll speak from this perspective. To everyone though, please understand I'm making comments I believe can easily apply to any genders and/or roles.
As a domme looking for a boy, it's important to share some of the aspects that make up ones dominant personality (and this includes feelings about romance and sexuality). Each person will choose when they feel comfortable sharing these kinds of details about themselves. Given that leadership roles, intimacy and sexuality, SM, and DS are attributes that frequently delineate BDSM relationships from their vanilla counterparts, it's not uncommon (and is often necessary) to reveal a little "up front" about what one is looking for. This comes out in screen names, avatars, profile text, and posts on the forums.
I think it's important to consider the entire context and thus, when a domme chooses a given avatar, this is balanced by everything else. An unfortunate side effect of designing a well balanced net is that some boys will take only a small piece of it (the avatar, a kinky picture, a kinky piece of writing) and react to that as their sole stimulus. The "net effect", if you'll pardon the pun, is that boys reply who haven't read the profile and/or who clearly aren't compatible. That's the risk one takes in sharing BDSM interests and in putting up a profile on a BDSM dating site. I suppose a domme could take away parts more likely to attract chaff, but this limits her creative expression and reduces the things that may entice those she is looking for. It's a balancing act for sure.
When I look at Lady Angelika's avatar and at avatars and pictures I've seen of other dommes in the Ask A Mistress forum, for the most part, I don't think these are bait and deride tactics but rather part of a complete approach designed to attract mature, well balanced submissive men. There are dommes (and people) using sex to gain attention, but that's not what I see in these examples.
As a submissive, I'm not going to say I don't notice avatars and pictures - I most certainly do. There are many things that attract my attention and somewhere near the top of this list are things like intelligence, empathy, communication skills, world view, and balance. Somewhere in that magical, catch-all word "balance" are aspects of BDSM and sexuality. I don't want to know pages upon pages about a domme's BDSM interests, but a little bit is nice as is a picture (or two) that flirt a bit. I consider this sophisticated flirting. :-)
Interestingly, for better or worse, I think a lot of boys have seen so many fetish pictures, pictures of tits and ass, pictures of dommes wearing leather and brandishing whips, and pictures to inspire hard disposition that we're somewhat immune. Yes, this goes against the OP somewhat, but it needs to be said because I know many boys who feel this way. If a domme doesn't show aspects of her vanilla life and interests outside BDSM, and cannot communicate with courtesy and with some degree of literacy, kinky pictures won't convince me to reply.
Drive-by boys will reply regardless. I certainly appreciate the frustration dommes face. But, as has been said many times by dommes themselves, drive-bys reply no matter what you do - pictures or no pictures, kinky text or no kinky text. I think it's important to recognize that drive-bys don't represent sincere, submissive men. That's where I see a big error in labeling. I read many of the dommes and submissive men who reply in this forum and it's clear there is mutual respect and courtesy. Yes, things heat up from time-to-time, but that's the nature of debate. Conversely, drive-bys are no different than men who yell (from afar) "hey baby, show me your tits" and I don't think anyone here would rationally lump them in with sincere submissives, and yet... this is exactly what happens! It's tough finding sincere, compatible people and, as I pointed out in an earlier post, the Internet certainly seems to encourage those using a "throw caution to the wind" approach. That's the cross-talk in the medium though and we just have to accept it and work around it.
Near the beginning of this post, I mentioned life experience and maturity. BDSM can be heady and simultaneously pervy-fun stuff. What sometimes gets overshadowed, especially when first starting out, are the human emotions, communication, trust, and self respect (for yourself and for your partner) that are essential in all relationships. I think kinksters reach a point of experience and maturity where they realize that as important as BDSM may be to their internal psyches, it's far from the only thing that is important. BDSM dynamics must support and coincide with many aspects of vanilla life and of healthy relationships. This is a level of BDSM relationship maturity I didn't start thinking about and actualizing until after quite a few, bad BDSM experiences. I'll underline that when I use the word maturity, I don't mean "age". I mean maturity in terms of approach and self realization/actualization.
When I think about all the debates that have taken place in this thread vis-a-vis fetishization of dominant women (and of people, in general, in BDSM), for me it all comes down to a simple question: do I like someone. No amount of dominance (on a woman's part), play, submissive desire (on on a submissive's part), or number of kinky pictures will get past the need for mutual friendship and chemistry. Consequently, this is my starting point for meeting anyone kinky. I start a conversation about something of mutual interest; approach with intelligence, respect, and courtesy; invite someone to share their ideas, listen, watch for reactions and react, engage, and initiate accordingly; share further ideas; share humour; flirt (subtly and if appropriate); and build my knowledge of a person while simultaneously building mutual trust and rapport. I believe this is how all friendships and relationships start, and no amount of kink can supersede this.
Alright. That's my somewhat rambling addition to the thread. I've had writer's block all day. Go figure. :-)
Elan.
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