RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant

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WinsomeDefiance -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 9:46:17 AM)
I have had occaision to be amused (baffled) by how often people are encouraged or advised to be service tops, when the situation is about a submissive wanting or needing something that his or her partner isn't really oriented toward providing. A few things come to mind. First, I don't necessarily see this as people encouraging the "breaking" of a dominant, because I don't really know that I see the situation as a dominant/submissive struggle. Can you really break a dominant who has expressed that they simply are NOT dominant personalities? Second, I wonder at how this can really meet the needs of a submissive, when the dynamic is so FUBAR'd. If the submissive finds themselves in the position of having (or choosing) to bully, manipulate or bargain with their partner into meeting their needs - are those needs fundamentally being met even if the SO concedes? I still have a hard time seeing this as a dominant/submissive dynamic, simply because (from my perspective) the cornerstone identities don't flush. So, it just seems counter-productive - Unless it works. In which case, Kudos. Then, there is the core need of the partner being asked to redefine their own identities. Sometimes, this is an opportunity for someone to step into a role they never knew was an opportunity available to them. I dont' think it can be harmful to look inside oneself, and do some inventory from time to time. If the submissive partner asking for something, opens the door to allow a supressed dominant the opportunity to be who he/she is - then you have a win/win situation. If it simply isn't in the nature of the partner, and tears at their core nature - only that person can really know if this is the case. I think advise offered, is usually intended to encourage the broadening of perspectives and opportunities. I have seen situations where the submissive partners needs, seemed to have more weight and support here, than a vanilla partners need to be who they are, and their identity confusion at being asked to be something/someone they are not. This is the double-standard that I see.

Icarys -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 9:47:18 AM)
quote: Well yes, substances that arent made to bend will break if you bend them. I think what she is saying is that she enjoys plastics..They are much easier for her to mold.[:D]

osf -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 9:50:12 AM)
i can't see how somebody that is either dom or sub when presented the situation to express them selves wont respond

kdsub -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 9:52:04 AM)
Is it possible that we put too much emphasis on classifications that are too restrictive in defining the needs of people? I would forget the entire sub dom crap except as a general guide for people to meet. From there it is just two people seeing if they meet each other’s needs. Can you truly define your deepest feelings and needs with one word? I think not. If a dom is too weak for a sub…or a sub is too strong for a dom then they need to find other mates…not rant at classifications. Neither is faulty they were just looking for something different. You were using words like why is breaking Dominants good and subs bad…These words are the example of using classifications, just words, when it is just two people finding they are not suited for each other. When people complain in the boards it is simply the ratio of subs and slaves to dominants. Butch

osf -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 9:54:39 AM)
quote: Can you truly define your deepest feelings and needs with one word? I think no i personally think that not being the norm our sexuality is skewed to the extreme one way or the other so i have to disagree

kdsub -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 9:58:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: osf quote: Can you truly define your deepest feelings and needs with one word? I think no i personally think that not being the norm our sexuality is skewed to the extreme one way or the other so i have to disagree Yours could be...and I understand the reasoning...but my personal opinion is we are very complicated creatures with many different and often contradicting needs and wants they will defy simple one word classifications. Butch

Icarys -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 9:58:40 AM)
quote: You were using words like why is breaking Dominants good and subs bad…These words are the example of using classifications, just words, when it is just two people finding they are not suited for each other. When people complain in the boards it is simply the ration of subs and slaves to dominants. Whether anyone likes it or not..subscribes to it or doesn't..We use the words. To some of us..The labels are defining..not everything about us but where we start at a given point. They give us a starting point..nothing more. Add: Is it possible that people that complain about the classifications put too much emphasis on them as well?

osf -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 9:59:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys quote: You were using words like why is breaking Dominants good and subs bad…These words are the example of using classifications, just words, when it is just two people finding they are not suited for each other. When people complain in the boards it is simply the ration of subs and slaves to dominants. Whether anyone likes it or not..subscribes to it or doesn't..We use the words. To some of us..The labels are defining..not everything about us but where we start at a given point. They give us a starting point..nothing more. agree words express concepts

kdsub -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:03:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys quote: You were using words like why is breaking Dominants good and subs bad…These words are the example of using classifications, just words, when it is just two people finding they are not suited for each other. When people complain in the boards it is simply the ration of subs and slaves to dominants. Whether anyone likes it or not..subscribes to it or doesn't..We use the words. To some of us..The labels are defining..not everything about us but where we start at a given point. They give us a starting point..nothing more. I am not disagreeing with you... the words are necessary or how would we know who to start a relationship with...but... those very same words do not do enough to define each persons needs. After the relationship begins we each feel the other out to see if they are what we are looking for… There are all degrees of submissive and dominant and many will not match. Butch

Icarys -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:05:17 AM)
quote: I am not disagreeing with you... the words are necessary or how would we know who to start a relationship with...but... those very same words do not do enough to define each persons needs. After the relationship begins we each feel the other out to see if they are what we are looking for… There are all degrees of submissive and dominant and many will not match. Butch Yes of course.

Mercnbeth -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:06:27 AM)
quote: ...However, once beth has completed her morning tasks for me I'll assign her the task of pointing to some specific examples. I'm sure she'll do it with much more sensitivity... for those looking for more specific examples of the theme, these two current threads and some of the responses contained within sparked this slave's curiosity: Not quite sure how to continue... need help, advice, opinions, thoughts the thrust of this thread is not being specific to either situation, but just the general gist of the reception of and the advice given to an otherwise non-D/s oriented person, sometimes either affectionately or disdainfully described as "vanilla", who is faced with the situation of their partner's desire for receiving dominance that isn't inherent to their nature and/or a satisfying role for them to "act".

LadyPact -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:07:48 AM)
Good Morning, beth. I hope you are well. The threads that you have pointed to are very much the ones I was thinking of. Kudos!

xssve -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:08:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys quote: i don't think i could have a subbie that was too needy or needed too much of my time, it goes with the teritory I'm exactly the opposite. I enjoy spending a lot of time with my females. Not always a question of wanting to, it's often a question of how much time you can reasonably spare and still maintain the rest of your life. I have other people who count on me too, some of whom are compensating me financially for my time so that I can maintain a home - it's called "life". I can actually spare more time than most, since I basically work from home for the most part - but I do have work to do, I have deadlines, etc., so it's not all fun and games - for some women that might be a problem, i.e., the converse of having a man underfoot all the time. Some degree of neediness actually works for me, but personal space requirements in general, as well as scheduling restraints are issues that need to be dealt with in an adult manner for both parties - I like to touch base at least once a day, but there is only so much time in the day. I hear these comparability issues arising most often when these things go on for months or even years at a time, at which juncture they can pretty much be assumed to be permanent rather than merely indefinite.

osf -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:13:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xssve quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys quote: i don't think i could have a subbie that was too needy or needed too much of my time, it goes with the teritory I'm exactly the opposite. I enjoy spending a lot of time with my females. Not always a question of wanting to, it's often a question of how much time you can reasonably spare and still maintain the rest of your life. I have other people who count on me too, some of whom are compensating me financially for my time so that I can maintain a home - it's called "life". I can actually spare more time than most, since I basically work from home for the most part - but I do have work to do, I have deadlines, etc., so it's not all fun and games - for some women that might be a problem, i.e., the converse of having a man underfoot all the time. Some degree of neediness actually works for me, but personal space requirements in general, as well as scheduling restraints are issues that need to be dealt with in an adult manner for both parties - I like to touch base at least once a day, but there is only so much time in the day. I hear these comparability issues arising most often when these things go on for months or even years at a time, at which juncture they can pretty much be assumed to be permanent rather than merely indefinite. im have a farm, so no problem

Mercnbeth -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:16:39 AM)
quote: Good Morning, beth. I hope you are well. The threads that you have pointed to are very much the ones I was thinking of. Kudos! Good morning!! thank you and the same to you and yours! this, from your earlier post, is spot on and directly to the point of the OP. it isn't about folks with the dominant inclination or desire or inherent nature...it's about those whose contentment lies in the conventional. who have no interest in either a BDSM scene with their partner or simply being served in some D/s fashion...until their partner confronts them with "submission", inspired by a romance novel or internet porn or fantasy come-of-age of some sort. quote: ...The answer always seem to be 'act more Dominant'. That's great for those of us who actually ARE Dominant. For someone who comes along and might just be vanilla, or might be more laid back in their approach with their partner, it's not the same thing. Truthfully, we didn't give that person advice on how to become more Dominant. We just taught him how to be a service top. If the partners find happinens and contentment in that, great. However, that's not always the case, is it?...

Icarys -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:18:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xssve quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys quote: i don't think i could have a subbie that was too needy or needed too much of my time, it goes with the teritory I'm exactly the opposite. I enjoy spending a lot of time with my females. Not always a question of wanting to, it's often a question of how much time you can reasonably spare and still maintain the rest of your life. I have other people who count on me too, some of whom are compensating me financially for my time so that I can maintain a home - it's called "life". I can actually spare more time than most, since I basically work from home for the most part - but I do have work to do, I have deadlines, etc., so it's not all fun and games - for some women that might be a problem, i.e., the converse of having a man underfoot all the time. Some degree of neediness actually works for me, but personal space requirements in general, as well as scheduling restraints are issues that need to be dealt with in an adult manner for both parties - I like to touch base at least once a day, but there is only so much time in the day. I hear these comparability issues arising most often when these things go on for months or even years at a time, at which juncture they can pretty much be assumed to be permanent rather than merely indefinite. Some of those things are obvious to me. Yes I have work and so on. But I also work from home so I can make a little more time. I do however enjoy spending as much time as possible with them because I want them to feel important in my life and because I want to be in their life as much as possible as well. If you have a female that's showing signs of needing more time..One of two things is going on..Your either not spending enough time with her or you may have someone on your hands that insecure in the relationship as far as I can see.

osf -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:20:26 AM)
quote: Some of those things are obvious to me. Yes I have work and so on. But I also work from home so I can make a little more time. I do however enjoy spending as much time as possible with them because I want them to feel important in my life and because I want to be in their life as much as possible as well. If you have a female that's showing signs of needing more time..One of two things is going on..Your either not spending enough time with her or you may have someone on your hands that insecure in the relationship as far as I can see. some of us can in a way be needy too

Jeffff -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:22:32 AM)
It is possible I am not all here today. In the "not quite sure how to continue" thread. The op was asking for advice on how to dominate his wife when HE wanted other than when SHE was in the mood. I thought he recieved some excellent advice. yes I thought some of it was mine...:) But Ron seemed to have nailed it. How is this breaking ? Jeff

wisdomtogive -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:23:18 AM)
Merc and beth, Happy New Year to you both. I did read that thread, and had nothing to contribute, so didn't. There was a sadness in me though when i read it. When i was married, i new i liked pain, and late hubby tried the spanking, but he just didn't have it in him. To satisfy him we played in other ways that were not physical kink. For me to suggest to the op in that thread to try to spank her, seem fruitless, because of my own past experience. Outside of that post, i find a Dom must have control, and i want zero of it. To inform them in what is the right way for them, seems uneventful and it isn't me."Breaking a Dom", seems to me a very tactless endeavor, one i cannot be a part of in my own relationships. [sm=2cents.gif] for what it is worth.

LafayetteLady -> RE: 'Breaking' a Dominant (1/2/2010 10:24:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hardbodysub Where's the disguise? When a person in a relationship has a need or strong desire, and tries to get the partner to understand and help fulfill that need/desire, how is that a "disguise"? What do you consider the "main context" that seems to fall by the wayside? Maybe I'm just misunderstanding you, but I view it entirely the opposite. I think that the disguise is "helping my partner discover his/her dominant side" when the real goal is "getting my partner to fulfill my need to be dominated", which, like any other need, if not met, can lead to problems in a relationship. The disguise is not on the part of the OP asking the question about their life. It is one thing to try to explain to them what might or might not motivate their partner's desires. However, it is completely different to read a particular post where the OP says that their partner is discovering some submissive desires that she exhibits pretty much only in certain circumstances and then everyone jumps on telling him how to "discover" his dominant side, how to take steps to learn how to satisfy her desires, to play the role, etc. Most will advice as though if he just does A, B, and C he will be able to get in touch with his dominance, or that he should do other things like order her to wait on him to assuage her needs. Yet, the post pretty clearly talks about her desires pretty much being about play and that only being on occassion. Likewise when someone asks about how they can resolve certain non dominant or non submissive thoughts, the typical response is how to get them "back on track" as opposed to admitting that sometimes things change or certain things might not spark those "feelings" and that it is ok. When I read about someone wanting to protect a sub with Dissociative Identity Disorder through BDSM and caging, I can't help but wonder what logical sense is involved when a situation that clearly requires professional intervention and yet someone thinks that the best way to prevent someone with a mental disorder from hurting themselve or others is to put them in a cage? Or when woman writes that she discovered emails her husband has been exchanging with someone on this site, the typical response is to first berate her for violating his privacy, then to suggest that she allow him to obtain someone to meet those "needs." I have even seen some respond with comments about how this should have been negotiated in the beginning (after a ten year marriage). A man's wife starts reading stories about D/s and suggests to him that she would like to try the stuff. The husband does his best to satisfy his wife, but just isn't into it, yet everyone tells him how to get into it. All the while ignoring the fact that she only seems to want to "play" that way when reading those books, sometimes even making the wild leap that she finds life overwhelming and is seeking direction. Certainly, I'm not saying that everyone responds this way, but far too many people immediately jump into the "how to make BDSM work as part of your life" speeches. Interestingly enough, if a woman came on and said that her husband wanted to be submissive, gave the exact same scenario as the husband in the above example, everyone would jump on the "he's a do me sub" bandwagon. I just find it interesting that within a community that is typically wanting everyone to be accepting of their ways and their desires, far too many are quick to not be accepting of others ways and would rather try to "convert" people and impose on them the idea that if they just keep working at it, they will find their "way" to dominance (not so often with submission). Those same people would be highly offended if anyone suggested to them that if they just kept trying they could learn to enjoy the "vanilla" way.

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