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sincityprincess -> Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 6:07:43 PM)

Hello to all, hope your New Year is off to a great start.

I have been an un-owned slave now for over a year. I am glad that I took some time off after being released from my former Master so that I could figure out what I want. Now the problem I apparently have is communicating to potential future Masters what I am seeking. It seems to me that BDSM relationships are intrinsically progressive--what may have been "kinky" to me at one time now seems boring and tame. I've had a couple of intense 24/7 relationship experiences and now just "playing slave" is uninteresting to me and honestly, I would rather stay single than to get involved with someone who views the M/s lifestyle as pretend.

I have chatted with several Doms here and on other websites. I have met some nice guys but most are too egalitarian to hold my interest for long. Some are actually quite submissive but think they are dominant. When I try to be honest and say, "I have enjoyed chatting with you, but I am looking for someone with stronger sadistic tendancies" they tell me, "I can be like that! Let me show you!" That is usually when I am rolling my eyes and clicking on BLOCK.

My question is, "Is what I am looking for/hoping for even possible to find in the real world? Or am I the one who has a skewed perception of what is realistic?" (I have currently changed the status of my profile here to "hidden" until I figure out what I am hoping for--for those who want to start by looking at my profile before advising.) This is basically a list of what I am looking for, maybe others out there can give me some ideas of how to communicate it so as to attract the right kind of men. Or after reading this, maybe you will be able to tell me if I just need to get my head checked to get a grasp on reality because this sort of person does not exist in the real world. Here is my ultimate wishlist:

  • A man who is at minimum 10 years older than me
  • who desires a slave for his own sexual gratification (heavy objectification)
  • who wants a TPE--and realizes that being in control of a slave goes far beyond telling her not to wear panties under her dress, and that true mental TPE doesn't happen overnight OR via instant messenger
  • who enjoys verbally degrading his slave
  • who is sexually deviant and sadistic and gets off on inflicting pain and putting his slave in compromised predicaments for his own enjoyment
  • who has a high enough sex drive that owning an insatiable slave would be a benefit--not a burden
  • who is intelligent enough to know that while the ownership of his slave doesn't get shut off when kids, bosses, and grandparents are around--that the display of it must

So, am I essentially hunting for Bigfoot? Or does this Master exist? If so--how can I create a profile or ad (on this website or others) that will make sure that if he is browsing profiles that he takes the time to consider mine? I am posting genuinely & sincerely and hope that any replies are the same.

Thanks!



Wantstocontrolu -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 6:28:20 PM)

Sounds like you know what you need. The problem is not that they don't exist, They do. Its more a problem that there are so many "wannabes"



AquaticSub -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 6:42:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sincityprincess

I have chatted with several Doms here and on other websites. I have met some nice guys but most are too egalitarian to hold my interest for long.

Define too egalitarian. Some prefer dominants who wait till the relationship has start to take control and that may be the type that the person has the most experience with.
quote:


Some are actually quite submissive but think they are dominant.

How are you coming to that judgement? Did they ask you to dominate them?
quote:


When I try to be honest and say, "I have enjoyed chatting with you, but I am looking for someone with stronger sadistic tendancies" they tell me, "I can be like that! Let me show you!" That is usually when I am rolling my eyes and clicking on BLOCK.

Perhaps they can and have been holding back. If that happens often, you may want to look at the signals you are sending to them. Just playing devil's advocate. [:)]
quote:


My question is, "Is what I am looking for/hoping for even possible to find in the real world? Or am I the one who has a skewed perception of what is realistic?" (I have currently changed the status of my profile here to "hidden" until I figure out what I am hoping for--for those who want to start by looking at my profile before advising.) This is basically a list of what I am looking for, maybe others out there can give me some ideas of how to communicate it so as to attract the right kind of men. Or after reading this, maybe you will be able to tell me if I just need to get my head checked to get a grasp on reality because this sort of person does not exist in the real world. Here is my ultimate wishlist:
  • A man who is at minimum 10 years older than me
  • who desires a slave for his own sexual gratification (heavy objectification)
  • who wants a TPE--and realizes that being in control of a slave goes far beyond telling her not to wear panties under her dress, and that true mental TPE doesn't happen overnight OR via instant messenger
  • who enjoys verbally degrading his slave
  • who is sexually deviant and sadistic and gets off on inflicting pain and putting his slave in compromised predicaments for his own enjoyment
  • who has a high enough sex drive that owning an insatiable slave would be a benefit--not a burden
  • who is intelligent enough to know that while the ownership of his slave doesn't get shut off when kids, bosses, and grandparents are around--that the display of it must


So, am I essentially hunting for Bigfoot? Or does this Master exist? If so--how can I create a profile or ad (on this website or others) that will make sure that if he is browsing profiles that he takes the time to consider mine? I am posting genuinely & sincerely and hope that any replies are the same.

Thanks!

It exists. How to craft the profile though... Just write your profile stating what you said in this post. Make it very clear the sort of activities you consider sadistic "enough" so that there isn't any chance of a mistake. If I were you, I would also talk about what you bring to the table as well, beyond a warm bottom to hit. Skills, interests, hobbies, that sort of thing.

However, I do feel compelled to say, as a said in another thread recently, it's not that you are dealing with wannabes or fakes. It's that you are dealing with people, people with varying viewpoints, desires and needs. It's going to take time. The more "qualifications" you have and the less things that are flexible, as with anything in life, the harder it's going to be to find exactly what you want. I'd suggest being flexible on the age thing but it's all up to you.

Best of luck.



AnimusRex -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 6:51:00 PM)

Princess-

I think there are plenty of men who are sadistic, and want a woman to serve them 24/7.
But what I get from your post, isn't the desire to serve HIS sadistic needs; it seems like you really want YOUR masochistic needs served, 24/7.

This isn't a criticism- your needs and desires are yours, and they are probably well matched by many men who get off on sadism and power dynamics.

But putting 24/7 TPE together with "I want" sets up a conflict- there will be plenty of times when he doesn't fucking feel like whipping you. And when I say "times" I mean if he is undergoing a serious issue- family crisis, job loss- it could be weeks, months.
Or maybe he enjoys using the crop on you, when you prefer the flogger;
Or he just likes peeing on your face, when you don't really get off on that.

Being a 24/7 slave means you are at HIS whim- whereas being a masochistic bottom means your needs are equally important.



UniqueRaven -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 7:10:44 PM)

i'm not a Master, i'm slave, but i'd like to contribute as well, if i may.

As others have mentioned, there are many, many men on this site who fit the profile you've posted. 

The thought that comes to mind for me is this:  As slaves, often when we end one 24/7 relationship we try to see how we can make the next one "even better" - and fix any issues that came up during the 24/7 by essentially finding the more "perfect" Master that we know has to exist out there somewhere, if only we look hard enough.

Problem is, he doesn't exist.  Masters are just the same as slaves, human beings with issues and moments when they don't feel particularly Masterful or even Dominant.  Everyone has moments of humanity by definition.  So seeking that "perfect package" in a Master isn't necessarily going to create that "perfect" 24/7 relationship of our dreams.  Just isn't going to happen.  And you're going to have to accept his humanity at the same time that you seek the traits that are so important to you, and you may have to trade off on some traits in order to get the ones that you need. 

And maybe he'll love to play video games, or go to Star Trek conventions, or go hunting, or sit and watch football on Sunday in his underpants - are you accepting that part of him too?  Because those sorts of things are what come with the fantasy.  And as his slave, your role is to serve and accept all of him - even when he doesn't feel like being sexually deviant or sadistic.

i'm looking through your list again and you have set some pretty high standards for him - he must always behave in certain ways, enjoy certain things, etc... that's a pretty high bar you've set to jump.  And in return, what are you always going to be?  You mention being "insatiable" but that's about all i see. 

i say this all the time:  If you want to be owned, you need to be something worth owning - you need to show *your* side of the value equation.  Be valuable property and you might just attract an Owner who is seeking that value package that you possess.  But the way i see it now is that a prospective Owner would probably just read this list and his eyes glaze over with how much work you're going to be.  Just calling it like i see it.  [:)]

i hope this helps,
julie





AquaticSub -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 7:13:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Psychonaut23

It's pretty easy for me to flip the switch, but I'm not sure when to do it re: subs, especially when I keep reading messages like this one (which seems to imply I should open with "On your knees slut!"), and reading messages where subs are saying "I ignore the idiots who open with "On your knees slut!""

It's very hard to sort this out.



Some unasked for advice: See if you can figure out which kind of woman you want to be with (one who responds to instant commands, one who ignores insta-dominance, or something in the middle). Proceed accordingly - those who respond badly to your approach probably weren't the right match. [:)]

Personally, I hate being commanded right off the bat. As I get to know and respect a dominant, I find I'm more inclined to obey. But then there are those who want the "dom cock", if you'll excuse the phrase, be waved about instantly.

Not to get too far off topic but this reminds me of a fierce debate I had with a friend once. She is horribly offended when a man doesn't ask for permission to kiss her (she's not dominant, she just thinks it's chauvinist for a man to make any sort of sexual gesture without overt permission). I'm incredibly turned off by it and, in fact, it's one of the few things a guy can do that he really can't recover from with me. I truly feel for men who have to try to decide how to proceed with any given female.



sincityprincess -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 7:13:18 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

Princess-

I think there are plenty of men who are sadistic, and want a woman to serve them 24/7.
But what I get from your post, isn't the desire to serve HIS sadistic needs; it seems like you really want YOUR masochistic needs served, 24/7.

This isn't a criticism- your needs and desires are yours, and they are probably well matched by many men who get off on sadism and power dynamics.

But putting 24/7 TPE together with "I want" sets up a conflict- there will be plenty of times when he doesn't fucking feel like whipping you. And when I say "times" I mean if he is undergoing a serious issue- family crisis, job loss- it could be weeks, months.
Or maybe he enjoys using the crop on you, when you prefer the flogger;
Or he just likes peeing on your face, when you don't really get off on that.

Being a 24/7 slave means you are at HIS whim- whereas being a masochistic bottom means your needs are equally important.


Oh thank you for pointing that out! I agree with you 100%--and how stupid of me not to include that very important detail!!

THIS is exactly why I feel that I have a difficult time communicating what I am "hoping" to find. I know there are millions of players out there and probably plenty who would love to inflict some pain on me.

I know you have responded to other posts I have made, AnimusRex, and surely you believe that I really am a service oriented sub who genuinely desires to find someone who I can serve, obey, and belong to. I guess it is difficult when trying to put thoughts together in a post to remember that other people don't automatically assume that I understand and believe that I know that is basis of a M/s relationship, but I do.

You have however, perhaps inadvertently proved my point. I know there are lots of things that a future Master may or may not be into that I wish he were--I have read the thousands of posts from unsatisfied subbies over the years who say, "I wish he would dominate me more" or "How do I make him be stricter with me?" I know that part of wanting to belong to someone else is that you get whatever kinks or fetishes (or lack thereof) that come with him...and it is impractical if not impossible to change his mind on most of them.

But what I wonder is--is it really just a game of chance when matching up Master & slave? Or is there any way to improve a girl's chances of finding the person she fantasizes about without it ruining the maintaining the integrity of her desire to give up to control to him once she finds him? Or if a slave wants someone to take 100% ownership of her then are her desires actually insignificant because he is going to strip them away from her anyway and replace them with his?

Is it inherently "unsubmissive" to want to be beaten into submission? Or is it only unsubmissive to say it out loud?



UniqueRaven -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 7:18:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sincityprincess

But what I wonder is--is it really just a game of chance when matching up Master & slave?

No.
quote:


Or is there any way to improve a girl's chances of finding the person she fantasizes about without it ruining the maintaining the integrity of her desire to give up to control to him once she finds him?

As i mention above, be the type of slave/property that attracts the type of Owner/Master that you're looking for - and be honest in portraying yourself as such. [:)]
quote:


Or if a slave wants someone to take 100% ownership of her then are her desires actually insignificant because he is going to strip them away from her anyway and replace them with his?

Eventually, yes.
quote:


Is it inherently "unsubmissive" to want to be beaten into submission? Or is it only unsubmissive to say it out loud?

i come from the school that says submission should be something that flows out of you vs. something that needs to be beaten out of you, especially if you find the Master and the situation that is right for you.  if he needs to beat it out of me, something needs to be addressed, and it's often just my own mindset.  But that's a different thread.....



Jeffff -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 7:19:32 PM)

To the OP. I don't know how old you are. I don't know how long you have been looking.

But to expect you can drop from the sky and find the perfect Master is unrealistic. No different than vanilla folks, actual harder

E-harmony isn't going out of business because it is easy.


Jeff




AquaticSub -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 7:28:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sincityprincess

But what I wonder is--is it really just a game of chance when matching up Master & slave? Or is there any way to improve a girl's chances of finding the person she fantasizes about without it ruining the maintaining the integrity of her desire to give up to control to him once she finds him?

The way to improve your odds is exactly the same as is it with vanilla dating. Widen your pool. Be willing to accept a wider age group. Be able to move. The people you are willing to consider, the better your odds of finding someoner sooner rather than later. However, if you know for a fact that you only want X, Y, and Z than that is great and it's just a matter of waiting and doing what you can to be active in your local scene so that you meet as many potential people as people.
quote:


Or if a slave wants someone to take 100% ownership of her then are her desires actually insignificant because he is going to strip them away from her anyway and replace them with his?

Depends on how you and he view the relationship and what to do. I don't think he can actually strip your desires away. Not voicing and not acting on a desire doesn't remove it. Valyraen feels my desires are very significant because he doesn't want someone who is unhappy while being with him.
quote:

  
Is it inherently "unsubmissive" to want to be beaten into submission? Or is it only unsubmissive to say it out loud?

Beaten into submission? As in, you want to protest and have him beat you till you submit? I wouldn't touch the "is it unsubmissive part"... but I would say it's a dangerous thing for him to do legally since then it's pretty damn easy for you to go to the cops and tell them that he beat you 'till you said yes.

I can't speak for others but I can speak for Valyraen and say that he's only interested in beating a woman after she's submitted.



erebus -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 7:41:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL:

I have been an un-owned slave now for over a year. I am glad that I took some time off after being released from my former Master so that I could figure out what I want. Now the problem I apparently have is communicating to potential future Masters what I am seeking. It seems to me that BDSM relationships are intrinsically progressive--what may have been "kinky" to me at one time now seems boring and tame. I've had a couple of intense 24/7 relationship experiences and now just "playing slave" is uninteresting to me and honestly, I would rather stay single than to get involved with someone who views the M/s lifestyle as pretend.

I have chatted with several Doms here and on other websites. I have met some nice guys but most are too egalitarian to hold my interest for long. Some are actually quite submissive but think they are dominant. When I try to be honest and say, "I have enjoyed chatting with you, but I am looking for someone with stronger sadistic tendancies" they tell me, "I can be like that! Let me show you!" That is usually when I am rolling my eyes and clicking on BLOCK.

My question is, "Is what I am looking for/hoping for even possible to find in the real world? Or am I the one who has a skewed perception of what is realistic?" (I have currently changed the status of my profile here to "hidden" until I figure out what I am hoping for--for those who want to start by looking at my profile before advising.) This is basically a list of what I am looking for, maybe others out there can give me some ideas of how to communicate it so as to attract the right kind of men. Or after reading this, maybe you will be able to tell me if I just need to get my head checked to get a grasp on reality because this sort of person does not exist in the real world. Here is my ultimate wishlist:
  • A man who is at minimum 10 years older than me
  • who desires a slave for his own sexual gratification (heavy objectification)
  • who wants a TPE--and realizes that being in control of a slave goes far beyond telling her not to wear panties under her dress, and that true mental TPE doesn't happen overnight OR via instant messenger
  • who enjoys verbally degrading his slave
  • who is sexually deviant and sadistic and gets off on inflicting pain and putting his slave in compromised predicaments for his own enjoyment
  • who has a high enough sex drive that owning an insatiable slave would be a benefit--not a burden
  • who is intelligent enough to know that while the ownership of his slave doesn't get shut off when kids, bosses, and grandparents are around--that the display of it must
So, am I essentially hunting for Bigfoot? Or does this Master exist?


Well, I'd say many men would be generally interested in a slave such as yourself.  I'm not sure anyone could handle someone who describes themselves as 'insatiable', but let's just chalk this up as a bit of hyperbole.

As for your encounters with egalitarian men, almost everyone in the modern world has been indoctrinated into believing in equality for all men and women, and those Doms who otherwise play as hard and as tough as you seem to want it, would still tend to treat you as an equal.  Most subs and slaves desire this, when they aren't playing. 

Perhaps you come across as too intense.  Is that a possibility?



AnimusRex -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 7:50:26 PM)

Princess-
Thanks for the thoughtful response.
One thing, in addition to the other posters here-
What I have found in my own life, is that we change after we meet the person of our dreams. The things that are "gotta haves" right now, will morph over time, change into different things.
In fact, its been my experience that the mere act of joining your life to someone alters who you are, especially for those with submissive personalities. Kim enjoys things now she never would have considered before she met me. And meeting her exposed me to things I never thought of.

Thats why I am not overly fond of dating sites that turn compatibility into checklists- there are some areas on which she and I are wildly different, and would never have been matched up- yet they become endearing and the cause for joy, not disappointment.
I wonder, even if you met the man of your dreams today, if the sadism you crave will be the same in 10 years time; if his absolute must-have fetish will even turn him on by then.

No, I can't say I have a perfect solution, but in my life, focusing on personalities and letting the fetish work itself out, proved to be best.



sincityprincess -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 7:59:43 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

The thought that comes to mind for me is this: As slaves, often when we end one 24/7 relationship we try to see how we can make the next one "even better" - and fix any issues that came up during the 24/7 by essentially finding the more "perfect" Master that we know has to exist out there somewhere, if only we look hard enough.



You are right. I didn't think of that before...I guess that is easy to do even in vanilla relationships.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

Problem is, he doesn't exist. Masters are just the same as slaves, human beings with issues and moments when they don't feel particularly Masterful or even Dominant. Everyone has moments of humanity by definition. So seeking that "perfect package" in a Master isn't necessarily going to create that "perfect" 24/7 relationship of our dreams. Just isn't going to happen. And you're going to have to accept his humanity at the same time that you seek the traits that are so important to you, and you may have to trade off on some traits in order to get the ones that you need.

And maybe he'll love to play video games, or go to Star Trek conventions, or go hunting, or sit and watch football on Sunday in his underpants - are you accepting that part of him too? Because those sorts of things are what come with the fantasy. And as his slave, your role is to serve and accept all of him - even when he doesn't feel like being sexually deviant or sadistic.



I agree with you on all of this, as I replied to AnimusRex, I know that no one is going to REALLY want to keep me in a cage all day and all night, whip me for precisely 8 hours a day, and fuck me no less than 6 times a day. And I know that I wouldn't actually want anyone to. Unless I am hoping to find someone who also wants to fatten me up so he can make a dress out of my skin.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

i say this all the time: If you want to be owned, you need to be something worth owning - you need to show *your* side of the value equation. Be valuable property and you might just attract an Owner who is seeking that value package that you possess. But the way i see it now is that a prospective Owner would probably just read this list and his eyes glaze over with how much work you're going to be. Just calling it like i see it. [:)]

i hope this helps,
julie


You couldn't have hit the nail on the head any more than this. Thanks! I guess I have clearly forgotten that not only do you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, but if you are hungry & hoping to catch a fish quit fucking with your flytrap.


quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Define too egalitarian. Some prefer dominants who wait till the relationship has start to take control and that may be the type that the person has the most experience with.

You are completely right. I don't know how to define what I mean by too egalitarian...I guess just that they don't seem to take the lead even in a conversation. It is just annoying when I have to be the one to ask all the questions, keep the conversation moving, etc.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Some are actually quite submissive but think they are dominant.
How are you coming to that judgement? Did they ask you to dominate them?


It is subjective, I know this. No, they don't ask me to dominate them...I don't mean they are submissive from a "wanting to lick my boots" sort of way--more of a juxtaposition sort of way. There are plenty of interactions which occur between two people in which one person is dominant and the other is submissive. If both were just equal and middle-of-the-road, they would both have to be British. I am talking about the "I don't know? What do you want to do? I don't know, what do YOU want to do?" sort of inability of to be assertive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Perhaps they can and have been holding back. If that happens often, you may want to look at the signals you are sending to them. Just playing devil's advocate. [:)]


Thank you for your input. Your posts are always so well thought out and informative. Your willingness to play devil's advocate is appreciated.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
It exists. How to craft the profile though... Just write your profile stating what you said in this post. Make it very clear the sort of activities you consider sadistic "enough" so that there isn't any chance of a mistake. If I were you, I would also talk about what you bring to the table as well, beyond a warm bottom to hit. Skills, interests, hobbies, that sort of thing.

However, I do feel compelled to say, as a said in another thread recently, it's not that you are dealing with wannabes or fakes. It's that you are dealing with people, people with varying viewpoints, desires and needs. It's going to take time. The more "qualifications" you have and the less things that are flexible, as with anything in life, the harder it's going to be to find exactly what you want. I'd suggest being flexible on the age thing but it's all up to you.

Best of luck.


I think I am just frustrated that I live in a very small conservative religious town and my only chance of meeting someone in this lifestyle is on websites. I know that the chances of anyone meeting their future partner of any kind are slim--and the chances go down with a veritable checklist of must have's like mine.

Maybe I just need to take up a hobby to keep myself occupied until I can more objectively create a profile that is reflective of who I am and what I want.

Thank you!!


quote:

ORIGINAL: Psychonaut23

Being very new to all of this, one of the most confusing sets of mixed messages I have received is on this issue. It's very hard to know if you're supposed to be dominant from the very first interaction, or if you're supposed to wait until some sort of cue has been given. This is real problem for me, because normally I suppress most if not all of my dominant tenancies when dealing with others, only letting them surface when it was socially appropriate to do so, such as when I was teaching and when I was working with the SPD. So my normal persona tends to be laidback, passive and observant rather than particularly aggressive.

It's pretty easy for me to flip the switch, but I'm not sure when to do it re: subs, especially when I keep reading messages like this one (which seems to imply I should open with "On your knees slut!"), and reading messages where subs are saying "I ignore the idiots who open with "On your knees slut!""

It's very hard to sort this out.



Wow, I am sure I have been guilty of this. I am so glad you brought that up & I will make sure I don't do that again. Thanks.




sincityprincess -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 8:12:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

Sincityprincess

Is it inherently "unsubmissive" to want to be beaten into submission? Or is it only unsubmissive to say it out loud?

Beaten into submission? As in, you want to protest and have him beat you till you submit? I wouldn't touch the "is it unsubmissive part"... but I would say it's a dangerous thing for him to do legally since then it's pretty damn easy for you to go to the cops and tell them that he beat you 'till you said yes.

I can't speak for others but I can speak for Valyraen and say that he's only interested in beating a woman after she's submitted.


I was really, really, just meaning that as a figure of speech. All I meant was that I know I am coming off as a "But I want to be dominated THIS way" sort of girl even though I don't necessarily think I am alone in having these thoughts...I know that it isn't becoming of a hopeful slave to announce it. [&:]



AquaticSub -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 8:55:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sincityprincess

I was really, really, just meaning that as a figure of speech. All I meant was that I know I am coming off as a "But I want to be dominated THIS way" sort of girl even though I don't necessarily think I am alone in having these thoughts...I know that it isn't becoming of a hopeful slave to announce it. [&:]



Ahh. I wouldn't say it's unbecoming to be open and honest about what you need and want in a relationship. But I think a better way put it is, instead of "I want to be dominated this way", saying "This is the sort of dynamic that I want/feel most fulfilled in" or "This is the sort of domination that I respond best to".

quote:


I guess just that they don't seem to take the lead even in a conversation. It is just annoying when I have to be the one to ask all the questions, keep the conversation moving, etc.

I think that is just a problem you are going to run into on the Internet and bad dates. I've seen dominants complain of much the same thing in regards to submissives.

quote:


I am talking about the "I don't know? What do you want to do? I don't know, what do YOU want to do?" sort of inability of to be assertive.

*chuckles* If having the "I dunno, what do you wanna do?" debate makes a person not a dominant, I'm gonna have to tell Valyraen he loses dominant points every time we try to decide on a movie or where to eat dinner. Actually he's reading over my shoulder and says that puts his dom score in the negative. [;)]

Obviously if it's important to you that a partner be assertive and making the decisions 99 times out a hundred, than you need to go for that in a dominant. I just want to put it out there that there dominants where, if they don't actively care, they don't feel like issuing a command over it so that doesn't automatically make someone submissive and in denial.

quote:


Thank you for your input. Your posts are always so well thought out and informative. Your willingness to play devil's advocate is appreciated.

You are very welcome and thank you for the kind words. [:)]

I wouldn't wait on making the profile I were you. I'd just make one based off what you know now and remember that it's a work-in-progress and you aren't setting anything in stone. As you learn more about what you want and need and what you can offer, you've always got the edit button. [:)]



sincityprincess -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 9:38:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Psychonaut23

If you want a man to whip your ass a certain way, if that's what you're seeking, then you might put something like "This slave responds well to being rewarded with [x]." where [x] is whatever it is you want a guy to do for you. Maybe just saying "pain" will do. Or maybe just say "I enjoy role-playing scenarios with consensual nonconsent and want to role-play being beaten into submission."

I know that I would find that more informative and accurate than saying "I want to be beaten into submission." I don't respond to those sort of requests at all. As a dominant, I have no ability to relate to the idea of being beaten into submission. I know "beaten until deeply resentful and plotting revenge," but not submission. At the end of the day, no amount of beating can make you submit. That's something you have to choose to do.



I know this and I am actually NOT a "more, harder, faster" sort of a slave. And even though I am a smart-ass in my posts...I am not a SAM or a pain-slut. In all of my past relationships I have been exquisitely obedient, respectful and able to make my Master's wants & needs my only priority. But, I am very prim & proper in my vanilla life and because once I have crossed the threshold from vanilla acquaintance to slave, I would never, ever, presume to tell my Master how I want my ass beaten. In fact, my former Master to whom I was collared for 4 years, never used a whip, paddle, flogger, or cane on me. Well, there was the "spatula incident" but that is a very different story. I never demanded or even asked him to please beat me into submission. Impact or pain play of any kind was not a turn on for him at all and therefore not a priority for me. And I submitted to him all on my own. But because I know that once I get into a relationship I am not going to ask that the rules be re-written because I like watching "Wax Works" (you all know which part I am talking about! Don't pretend like you don't!!) I only wish I could program my Master-magnet to attracting men who have a genuine affinity toward these things. I realize that once I am owned they either will or will not be present...but isn't it worth a shot to try to stack the deck in my favor NOW vs. after I'm wearing a diaper and footie pajamas screaming, "THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY WANTING TO BE HUMILIATED!!" or something like that?





AquaticSub -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 10:15:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sincityprincess

But because I know that once I get into a relationship I am not going to ask that the rules be re-written because I like watching "Wax Works" (you all know which part I am talking about! Don't pretend like you don't!!) I only wish I could program my Master-magnet to attracting men who have a genuine affinity toward these things. I realize that once I am owned they either will or will not be present...but isn't it worth a shot to try to stack the deck in my favor NOW vs. after I'm wearing a diaper and footie pajamas screaming, "THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT BY WANTING TO BE HUMILIATED!!" or something like that?





Your master isn't going to be an unchanging piece of stone. He'll be a person and people's interests change over time, and they can be wrong about things they will and won't like. I'm only saying this because I don't think it's unsubbly or re-writing the rules to, after the relationship is in place, say "Sir, I was thinking about X and I think it might be fun. Would you be willing to try it with me? Maybe as a special reward if I please you greatly?".

Just remember that there is a huge difference between ordering someone to do something a particular way and respectfully letting someone that you enjoy it when things are done a certain way. [:)]



elleX -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 10:34:53 PM)

sincity,
since you dont have a profile , i will ask  you to write me personal please



aldompdx -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/2/2010 11:29:30 PM)

Wannabe includes "BDSM slaves" who associate their fulfillment as coming from a partner, rather than being established in their own source of love within which they can then share with their partner. Surrender is not a manipulative bargain of giving to get love.

As Plato quoted Socrates, "First know thyself." Birds of a feather flock together. When you do your own inner work and have the capacity to share love and intimacy from deep within yourself, then you begin to start attracting and inspiring resonance with the appropriate partners.

It also helps to have a profile which others can view.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Differentiating between fantasy & reality (1/3/2010 12:36:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sincityprincess

So, am I essentially hunting for Bigfoot?


Yes, you are... but We're not sure why this is a bad thing. If this is what you want, this is what you should search for.

quote:

If so--how can I create a profile or ad (on this website or others) that will make sure that if he is browsing profiles that he takes the time to consider mine? I am posting genuinely & sincerely and hope that any replies are the same.

Thanks!

Post the list that you posted here. Be yourself. State what you have to give. Then chat to people who contact you, get out into your local community and, if you can, go to national community stuff. Give yourself as many opportunities as possible for the two of you to meet.

Master Fire



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