RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen

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IronBear -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 9:58:17 AM)
Ok MHOO314, let me take you to a quiet place in the open and after greeting my four brothers, the four winds we can sit and I can confess a secret to my phejuta winyela choonwey ~ One of the tender spots or chinks in the armour of a Virgo is the innate fear of rejection and the allied fear of embarrassment due to the rejection. The bottom drops out of our world when we get rejected and the unholy feeling of unworthiness, hurt and even anger sweet through us like a not so gentle gale. This doesn’t matter if the Virgonial person is submissive, Switch or Dominant. From all the discussions I have had regarding specifically Virgos, this seems to hold true for 90% of us. For me the classic was at the weekly 60/40 dances in my home town, if a guy was turned down when he asked a girl for a dance, it was the Virgonians who headed to the back of the hall fastest and stayed there the longest. ‘Tis a painful situation which never really goes away, even in the adult years. I did find a means of learning to deal with it. I spent some time helping my second wife build an Amway business to double diamond level with the associated income. I found that 7/10 people would reject me when I was making initial phone calls. What I found was that their rejection was not personal just that they weren’t in the “Buying Zone” at that time. I developed the habit after they had hung up on me of saying “NEXT” and moving to the next person on my list. When some one rejects me these days I smile at them and may or may not comment that ‘tis ok it is they who has lost big time but not to worry for there are plenty more where they came from.. I certainly make that comment to myself as a personal affirmation.. Y’know, I’m of the belief that most rejection are not personal. The person may fear you or fear that you are too good for them or feel that they are unworthy of you. It may be just that you two are not compatible. When I do send someone on their way (usually some telemarketer or door knocker) I try to do so leaving them feel good about themselves. (I must say though, when I get an obnoxious telemarketer, I have a penchant of commanding them to attend me in person naked so I can collar them as my personal sex slave. It scares the fuck out of the males too…BOL). Perhaps my ramblings have helped some one some where…

truesub4u -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 10:14:43 AM)
Smiles as she makes fresh coffee.... Interresting thread Ma'am. And one I've read through, thought about and still wonder. I think of time put in.... how far the communication goes, the feeling of trust, the knowing the trust is there. Opening up totally. feeling the connection. Being told there's a strong connection. Being told and feeling all the right things....... sighs Then you find out, it's not ment to be. For what ever reason. Lies come to surface. Cold feet. Game Players. So many different reasons.... to which none make sense at the time. Then you spent the time... what did I do? Where did I go wrong after all this this time? The pain is there, and it hurts badly. For some.. not all.. they turn the pain to anger. I know I recently did. Started finding ways to blame all on him. Looking back trying to see where .... I should of seen signs..... but ignored them. Because of everything else involved. Then blame falls back to oneself. And then there's more anger. Time to do something with this..... you start laughing. Thinking of the things you could do, want to do, to parts of his body. Friends help come up with some humor in all this too. Because by now, you've cried enough, been mad enough, you got only one more route to take... and that's the humor side of it all. I seen one post state that it's no differ from a vanilla relationship. I have to agree, but at same time disagree. Because although some look at it as dating the same way, and it is.. there's more one looks for from each other than regular relationships. Because I feel that is a submissive is looking to submit to a Dom, they have to feel more safe, more secure, knowing that they're about to give to this Dom, something they would not attempt to give someone on the vanilla side. And apparently some know what I am talking about because of all the other post of seeking needs outside their vanilla relationships/marriages. MH, Ma'am, you asked... how does one feel? In some cases, damn near destroyed. Depending on how far, how long things went on. Others, shrug it off and yes... move on. You asked next...how do we respond... depends on if we're able to. In my case.... i've not been able to. It's been 8 days sense I've talked to him. Excuse me 9 days today. I know what I think I will respond with. But if given the chance, not sure I can or would. I feel for the most part, the more time that goes by, no reason to respond with anything other than... (and this is if he speaks first) Hi there, how ya doing? (And yes, in my best sarcastic tone too) Finally.... what has one learned? I've learned once again... trust is broken. Trust is going to be even harder for the next one. Knowing that all though they are two different people, and the one before me now didn't do anything... one thinks... YET! As much as one tries not to, there's doubt, there's fear, for awhile one looks for the signs that are not there. And make up signs that normally wouldn't be there. Example, I have a Dom friend that I met on line. And though we've never met face to face, we have a nice connection. He knew of Jeff. He didn't push for anything other than my friendship. It was brought up this weekend that we might get a chance to meet next month, sense he'll be in my neck of the woods here in NC. He too is from NC. As of now... I seriously doubt this meet will take place. I feel HE will find a way out of it, be it plans chance, work, etc... So I have doubt now. I told him of my doubt and feelings about this meet as well. He said.. I will not hurt you Jessica. That made me take a step backwards. Because that's all I heard from Jeff for the past year. And yet.. he did just that. On a very high emotional level. So here I am... trying NOT to find fault in this man, because of Jeff. This man even asked me point blank.. not to hate him because of anothers doing. I don't hate him... I don't hate men because of Jeff... I hate that Jeff took my trust, and now has caused me not to be able to trust. The saying goes, no one can take from you, that you do not want them to take.... no one can make you feel, what you do not want to feel.... I use to believe that. Now... I have trouble with that. So as to what did I learn.... I'm learning that shit happens.. for a reason.... we may not always agree with it. But it does happen. All I can do is try to take some of the lessons of this situation and hope they can guide me in the right direction as I continue on in life. And hope that should another relationship possibly show up, that I can separate the two, not hold one back because of anothers game. And sense it's only been 9 days... i'm still learning.. what I might of learned.. from all this too. MH Ma'am, thanks for the post. It's been helpful to this one, more than you can know. Jessica

Sirandlittle1 -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 10:17:27 AM)
Although thankfully, i have not been rejected by my first relationship of D/s, nor rejecting. I would think that this differs little from the same scenario's ive met in vanilla. I either, go hide, cry, negative self talk for a day or so, then i use distance. Absolutely no contact whatsoever, out of mind out of sight. Then i heal. Eventually, as time passes, i reflect on the what? how? and why? But im unable to do that without the distance part coming first. Im not one to find friends that helpful, as their perspective is often different to how i think mine is when it comes to talking, but they help heaps when it comes to 'washing that man right outta my hair'. I hit the town, hard. Rebel, and other such immature, hedonistic healing methods. littleone

BitaTruble -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 10:31:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MHOO314 Submissives--when you are not the one chosen--how do you feel, respond, learn? Devastated, crushed, destroyed. I responded by getting rip roaring drunk and crying in my beer. :;ok, it was Tequilla:: Because it was a BDSM rejection, I didn't share my pain with friends or family. Eventually, I picked myself up by my bootstraps, put on a fuck-you cloak of protection ::$1999.95 at your local retail outlet:: and decided not to involve my heart in any further interaction. I had decided that I would only use my head, have 'my' fun. So, I went through a 7 year period of screw you, asshole.. who needs ya. No surprise that this was the most sadistic period of my life. I played, oh.. three or four times a week, always on Top, never submitting to anyone.. bitchy, arrogant and mean. I didn't give two cents for the feelings of anyone else.. if you don't stick your ass.. or some appropriate body part in the air for me to hurt, move on, because that's all I wanted. The idea of love was a fantasy for books and losers. Don't come to close because the force fields never came down. Then, I met Himself.. and it was, literally, love at first sight. All my defences, built up for so long, came tumbling down in an instant, because despite the play acting role I had taking on as a sadistic, dominant, heartless cunt, he saw right through it and recognized me instantly. Really weird how fate works sometimes. So, what did I learn? I guess that it doesn't matter what you want to project, the right 'one' sees right through it to what you truly are.. Ok, I'm stopping before I start to get sappy. Celeste

MHOO314 -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 10:31:51 AM)
When I get to your corner of the world, I will take you up on the Foster's ( and I can drink pretty damn well)--the four winds--and the counsel of your wisdom and the humility to meet your "House"--your heart and insight are always deep. I am honored to call you friend.

MHOO314 -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 10:34:29 AM)
You dear little one have been in My heart every day---I see this has been a tad of a catharsis---remember, and not meant lightly--"The soul would have no rainbow had the eye no tear..." Sit down---and let Me serve you a martini.

Submotive -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 12:01:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MHOO314 I was going to post this in the submissive section, but then had a duh moment as I realized this happens to Dominants/submissives/slaves alike--(I am not the perfect Domme and do have duhDomme moments---I digress)---as many of you know, I have been open about finding and embracing My boy--but along the way, the journey hasn't been all peaches and cream--I have been rejected and I have rejected---the most recent blow ( given all My openness) has been to two past submissives---one who thought we would just keep "bumping along" and another who asked " Mistress, tell Me how to be a better pet" to which I replied, "you are a good pet, you just weren't right for Me"--so it brings Me to what I hope will be a long learning thread: Dominants--our "arrogance" takes a beating when we get rejected, toyed with etc. How do you feel, respond, learn? Submissives--when you are not the one chosen--how do you feel, respond, learn? I hope this will not be a post filled with "that's life move on"--but one that speaks to the differences the lifestyle brings to the table, because I do believe that many of U/us approach relationships a tad differently here in the life than we do "out there". Flame suit ready and trusubs coffee well in hand-- <edited because My damn b key keeps sticking> [image]http://www.collarchat.com/upfiles/smiley/dance.gif[/image]i'm a tenderfoot when it comes to rejection. Yet, i know not everyone fits together. If the relationship disolves because of deceipt i feel very angry at first. Not vengeful, but just angry and don't want anything at all to do with the person for a long time, if ever. If the relationship ends because of other factors - i.e. W/we didn't know each O/other well enough and as W/we learned, found W/we're not really all that compatible, then i like to discuss it as gently as possible, explain why it's not working for me, or listen to why it's not working for Them, then move on. Oftentimes W/we end up becoming good friends. As long as there is no emotional and/or psychological, unconsented abuse, then the relationship can change and W/we remain close. The worst thing i've found for me to do is continue along when i'm not feeling happy and fulfilled and try to delude myself into thinking it will work out. i'm probably a tad over cautious now, as a result of having been deceived and confused. i had a lot of very unrealistic expectations of myself and Dom/mes until - hey - just last week. So those expectations played havoc with some of my decisions. Once i understood that what's important to me, that i want a well-rounded, full time D/s relationship, then it made it easier to know Who i was seeking. Of course, as You know, MH, i am still struggling and learning. But, i am happy to say that so far i only look back on one relationship with a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. Everyone else is actually still in my life and W/we're friends. [:)] Just like in the vanilla world - not every man and woman match. Not every sub and Dom/me match. Accepting this and not taking everything personally has really helped me.

meatcleaver -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 12:23:20 PM)
Really it depends on the nature of the rejection. Being told straight and honest, hurts but one can't ask for more than honesty so I would hide my wounds and nurse them in private. Being cheated on and lied to, which happened once to me, sent my blood pressure soaring. I just avoided the woman because I just wanted to strangle her because of the humiliation she caused me (though I hasten to add I've never hit a woman in anger. Just for mutual enjoyment, tee hee!). Later I just blasted her out with a string of insults and expletives, though of course it didn't alter things but it made me feel better.

SimplyV -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 12:28:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsIncognito quote: it proves to me that he's a person of questionable taste and therefore not worth my time! So if someone just isn't that into you then their taste is questionable? Isn't that a rather giant leap? Isn't it possible that the two of you just aren't a good match rather than it being a flaw in the other person? laughs I laughed when I read that first post as well.. Not because I thought she was wrong in her thoughts, but merely that .. that is how I think too. laughs You can phrase it many ways: If they didn't want me, its their loss. If they didn't want me, they dont' know what they're missing. If they didn't want me, then they're not good enough for me. If they didn't want me, then there is obviously something wrong with them. Glad I got out of that one. Etc and so on.. For me its part of the grieving process in being rejected. Keeps me from spending hours and hours and hours.. crying.. trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why didn't they like me, what could I have done better. (though I do do a bit of that as well.. if only to rule out any self-improvements I may want to make). Through the process of rejection, we learn more about ourselves and others views of us. Being the lover of brutal truth that I am, I really like it when people are honest with me as to why they're leaving me. Don't matter what it is, I'd like to know. Nothing wrong with contructive critizism. Sometimes there are things you can fix and sometimes there are things you can't. "You're way too clingy" - Hmm.. possibly fixable though could mean they just weren't a good fit. "You remind me of my mother" - Death Knoll.. unfixable... Nothing you can do. Run like the wind before you find you've been with them 5 yrs and thats the exact reason they stayed with you. No wonder you have to keep telling him to pick up his socks. There are many things that go through my mind when rejecting someone.. or being rejected.. Usually at the moment of the breakup.. "Oh god dont' make a scene" "Stop crying now" "Oh yeah, just feed his ego by transforming into a puddle of goo" "Resist urge to beg him back" "If he wants to go, let him go." "Let him go, if he comes back hes yours" "Ugh, those people are staring at me" I usually deal with it by calling a friend. Whining about it for a few, then spending some time in quiet reflection.. maybe doing some writing (often a release for me like venting).. And as Krikket said earlier "And.. if all else fails, I go shopping" Nothing quite like a new killer piece of clothing.. or fabulous new shoes to brighten up a day/week.

Magdala -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 12:48:45 PM)
What an interesting topic ~ especially because this is something I have been pondering a lot lately. When a r/l relationship ends, it is time to grieve and heal. However, how does one go about ending a brief flirtation that began here on Collarme but is not going anywhere? That is the question that I have been pondering. I had one real M/s relationship that was built on love and trust. It ended very badly. Even though more than a year has passed, I am still scarred by the sorry way he ended it. It still hurts, although not as sharply as it did before. I have decided to bravely muster forth and continue to search for my One & Only. In the search, I have met many who are nice enough but definitely not more than friends. My problem is that as a people pleaser and one who still stings from her own rejection it is difficult for me to tell others that I am not all that interested. A few posters here who have yet to suffer a BDSM-related heartbreak have said that they think the experience would be like any ending of a vanilla relationship. IMHO that is not the case. Where power has been given and security received, when these things are so abruptly pulled from beneath one's feet, who is then left to fall on her own, it is much more difficult than any ending of a vanilla relationship. I am still surprised by myself that I am continuing to seek a D/s relationship since the ending of the one I was in was so very painful. But I have come to terms with my inner kinkster and submissive nature. Also, I guess I am just a romantic at heart. My 2 cents. "Babble on, Babylon!"

HentaiGamerKitty -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 2:51:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsIncognito quote: it proves to me that he's a person of questionable taste and therefore not worth my time! So if someone just isn't that into you then their taste is questionable? Isn't that a rather giant leap? Isn't it possible that the two of you just aren't a good match rather than it being a flaw in the other person? I was being facetious...it was my (obviously lame) attempt at humour.

HentaiGamerKitty -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 2:54:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Magdala What an interesting topic ~ especially because this is something I have been pondering a lot lately. When a r/l relationship ends, it is time to grieve and heal. However, how does one go about ending a brief flirtation that began here on Collarme but is not going anywhere? That is the question that I have been pondering. I had one real M/s relationship that was built on love and trust. It ended very badly. Even though more than a year has passed, I am still scarred by the sorry way he ended it. It still hurts, although not as sharply as it did before. I have decided to bravely muster forth and continue to search for my One & Only. In the search, I have met many who are nice enough but definitely not more than friends. My problem is that as a people pleaser and one who still stings from her own rejection it is difficult for me to tell others that I am not all that interested. A few posters here who have yet to suffer a BDSM-related heartbreak have said that they think the experience would be like any ending of a vanilla relationship. IMHO that is not the case. Where power has been given and security received, when these things are so abruptly pulled from beneath one's feet, who is then left to fall on her own, it is much more difficult than any ending of a vanilla relationship. I am still surprised by myself that I am continuing to seek a D/s relationship since the ending of the one I was in was so very painful. But I have come to terms with my inner kinkster and submissive nature. Also, I guess I am just a romantic at heart. My 2 cents. "Babble on, Babylon!" I was one of the people who said that a bdsm break up is just like a vanilla one....and I assure you, that I have most certainly been in a bdsm break up! It was actually one of my easiest break ups ever. I spent the entire next day thinking how freaking happy I was to have control of my life back. I darn near threw a party. I can honestly say it's the one break up I've had that I didn't cry over. I was ecstatic (although mad at myself for allowing the relationship to continue as long as it had.) On the other hand my most painful break up (and one I am still dealing with to some extent, even though it was over a year ago) was in an entirely vanilla relationship. The difference is that I was in love with the vanilla guy and not in love with the dominant. I can honestly say the only thing I missed about my dominant was the financial support (and the sex, of course, lol.) How hard a break up is has nothing to do with bdsm involvement for me. The break up with the vanilla guy hurt because he and I were totally compatible in every way (except sex) whereas with the dominant, sex was the ONLY thing we were compatible in.

kiale -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 3:06:50 PM)
Hmm...having literally just done this, after working for several months to reach a point of an initial meeting where more than conversation was involved... It hurts. I have to fight my desire to try to push myself, to mold myself more into something that would 'work' for the other person. I imagine a lot of subs probably have to deal with that desire--if we seek to please. It's been a rough lesson, but in the end I asked to be released from any binds that were M/s and to just keep touch as a friend, and a good source of advice. I hope that we can maintain that--time will tell. I know that he needs someone with a much higher pain tolerance than I, to have his needs and desires met.

ropesubby39 -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 3:11:52 PM)
When i wasnt the chosen one, of course at first i was hurt and discourage, but after a few days, i would get up again. At the time, you dont see it, but for me its making me stronger and protecting myself even more.

truesub4u -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 3:44:14 PM)
I still say, it's all about time. If I go and meet this Dom next month down in Wilmington and he decides (or I do) there's nothing... that's totaly different. Not being chosen ... this is a different concept... than one who puts time.. and their all in a relationship... to all of a sudden... not be chosen. As with mine.. it was a year.. not a first meeting.. not a 2nd or 3rd.. this was not just a simple case of being not chosen... this was.... a game that was played... unfortunately... the rules weren't explained clearly to me.. <smiles>

RavenMuse -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 4:00:33 PM)
Good question MH, for me these last few months have definatly been a learning experience as I had some quick adjusting to do going from how I've been doing things out there in the real world, to the realitys of making those same initial contacts in cyberspace. Given it is the first time I've ever used the net when actualy searching (I've met a number of partners via the net, but only co-incidentaly). How I feel, very much depends on what stage things are at. A rejected or unanswered intro mail barely even registers on the radar. When I get the "Thanks but no thanks" or realise it has been three or four days since the mail was opened but there has been no reply, there is barely even a shrug as I move on. A quick three or four mail exchange that shows up enough points where what looked like compatability is obviously not going to work, so far wether I've been the one to state that such is the case or they have, it has been civil and friendly... "Nah it ain't going to work petal because...X,Y,Z.... but feel free to drop me a mail if you want to chat as a friend"..... and again... shrug... next! There have been a couple where I have started to see there is serious potential and whats more all the signs and words coming from the other side has led me to believe they honestly thought there was also. When that goes wrong somehow... yep it stings a bit. The horse throws you off and you CAN land with a nasty thud! With me it doesn't last long before I get back on my feet, dust myself down (ie look at what happened and see if there where any earlier signs I maybe could have spotted that would have warned me. Signs I maybe look for in future) and then get back out there, back on the damn horse. Initialy the first intro I send out afterwards does feel like a bit of a push, my heart isn't usualy in that first one and no surprize, I've never had a responce from one... but it gets me back into proper search mode and by the time I spot a second worth contacting I'm back to normal.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 8:25:28 PM)
To the OP...hard question..I have rejected and been rejected ,as any person has.I actually find it harder to reject than be rejected.I can handle being hurt easier than I can handle hurting someone else.When I have been rejected ..of course it depends on length of time and effort or whatever..For the most when I have been rejected,generally I shrug it off simply because though I have been rejected it was pretty mutual,and was glad they had done it first..If some effort and time had been into play then of course one wouldnt be human not to feel something.I guess as I have gotten older, the hurt while felt, has less of an impact on my feelings ,and questioning my own self worth.Now when I reject someone that is where I have many a sleepless night,because of course in my younger years I know that feeling ,and it truly hurts through and through.So I guess I just feel that getting into my latter forties that your wiser,better prepared through experience ,a lot of what life has slammed at you and you become to be more able to take it on the chin.....be well..tempting

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 8:27:17 PM)
oh yes I forgot to add....apologies to get off the subject..but to Iron Bear..nice pic!..smile....be well..tempting

littlesarbonn -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 8:47:21 PM)
I don't even try anymore. I've come to believe that a new kind of mentality has erupted over the years where people actually take pleasure in rejecting people. I almost feel like there are people who think they've "scored" in a relationship by actually rejecting them. It's given me ample opportunity to focus on my writing and to work on my next computer gaming project.

scratchingpost -> RE: When Y/you aren't the one chosen (3/21/2006 8:55:00 PM)
when i have to reject someone i try really hard to make them understand that it is not their fault but that it is just not a good fit. i try to befriend them at least and let them down easy. (domme or not i am a big softy when it comes to peoples feelings) when i have been rejected it hurts but i move forward i dont think oh what is wrong with me or blame the other person i just understand that not everyone is a fit.

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