Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Being pleasured/serviced turns me off!


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/4/2010 9:14:37 PM   
Healed


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/4/2010
Status: offline 		Hi all,

I'm new here, although I have lurked on and off for a while. Apologies for a mostly blank profile. I've decided to finally sign up because I've reached a bit of a stumbling block in achieving a fulfilling relationship.

I am a sub, young and inexperienced. I'm in the first serious relationship of my life with a partner who is vanilla but learning. Recently he's has made some real progress on the kink front and for the first time I am feeling fully engaged and connected and submissive during our activities... Except for the part where I get my orgasm. I say it that way because that's how it feels: a goal-oriented segment that happens separately from all of the sexy stuff. I haven't been able to orgasm from sex yet so for the moment we're relying on hands and tongue. And whenever he starts to focus on my pleasure it turns me right off. I'm very service-oriented, and all I can think is that we've got it the wrong way around; I don't want him to have to work for my pleasure.

I can and do consistently orgasm from his hands but I almost always have to retreat to a private fantasy to escape from the present situation. The only exceptions have been after a week or two of denial, which is not a situation I'm ready to repeat very often. Escaping to fantasy is not a long term solution and I hate disconnecting myself in this way. On the other hand, I'm not ready to give up regular orgasms either; at this point the power exchange is too tenuous to subsist on his pleasure alone.

How do other subs feel about being pleasured? And do you have any advice as to how to maintain a submissive connection with my partner while still getting in the orgasms I need? Thanks in advance!

-Healed
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/4/2010 9:35:47 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Recently he's has made some real progress on the kink front and for the first time I am feeling fully engaged and connected and submissive during our activities


You're an inexperienced sub, your partner is vanilla - reading your posting I get the feeling this is a lab report. He is vanilla but "making progress on the kink front" - are you putting a square peg in a round hole? If there is one thing I do not get out of what you write, it is that you are submissive, or even "engaged". The sense I get is that you are manipulative, and coming here to ask for help in getting even better at manipulating him, and yourself. Your language analyzes, is devoid of emotion. Your profile is equally empty. You haven't been able to orgasm from sex yet? That is most likely because you cannot relinguish control. And your partner probably lacks both the experience and the desire to take it away from you...

(in reply to Healed)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/4/2010 9:45:17 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Healed

How do other subs feel about being pleasured? And do you have any advice as to how to maintain a submissive connection with my partner while still getting in the orgasms I need? Thanks in advance!

-Healed


This sentence simply boggles my mind. I don't get it, really. You seem to be complaining that your partner wants you to get off. Are you saying you have less respect for him that wants you to feel pleasure or that you feel his particular way of getting you off is interfering with your construct of your particular dynamic with him?


(in reply to Healed)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/4/2010 10:31:52 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Healed
How do other subs feel about being pleasured? And do you have any advice as to how to maintain a submissive connection with my partner while still getting in the orgasms I need?

Actually.  I feel very grateful and very lucky.  And it was not at all hard to feel submissive when He tied me down to the bed and gave me no choice.  It was hawt!! 
 
Just a thought.....are you sure that he even really wants to be kinky?  If he doesn't, trying to make him be kinky is not going to work any more than him trying to make you be 'nilla.....

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to Healed)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/4/2010 10:38:41 PM   
GYPSYMAMBO


Posts: 660
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline 		Op:
something is amiss here...

I feel from your profile name that perhaps there has been emotional or other abuse/betrayal which blocks you........??
 
If you use the search option (below right) there have been many threads about
women unable to orgasm and why...and lots of good advice,,
 
GM

< Message edited by GYPSYMAMBO -- 1/4/2010 10:39:11 PM >

_____________________________

"Better served women will better serve the world"

** ** **

"A turd is still a turd even if it is shellaced!"

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/4/2010 11:24:12 PM   
Healed


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/4/2010
Status: offline 		Ouch, I'll try to express myself better.


quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
You're an inexperienced sub, your partner is vanilla - reading your posting I get the feeling this is a lab report. He is vanilla but "making progress on the kink front" - are you putting a square peg in a round hole?

Time will tell. I love him. He's good for me. I'm not ready to abandon the best thing in my life because he's uninitiated. When I say that he is vanilla I mean that he has never sought out BDSM on his own. Since I have "come out" to him he is learning about what makes me tick and he's not in any way apprehensive, just uninformed. Maybe I do need a "natural" dom to sweep me off my feet, but at this point I am way too uncertain about my needs and my sexuality to risk letting him go on those grounds.

quote:

If there is one thing I do not get out of what you write, it is that you are submissive, or even "engaged". The sense I get is that you are manipulative, and coming here to ask for help in getting even better at manipulating him, and yourself. Your language analyzes, is devoid of emotion. Your profile is equally empty.

Why is analysis manipulative? I'm an introspective, reflective person and I try to avoid rambling or going mushy when soliciting help on a forum; I'm attempting to respect your time by getting the point across as concisely as possible. I really don't mean to sound cold. Can you elaborate? How am I manipulating him and myself?

quote:

You haven't been able to orgasm from sex yet? That is most likely because you cannot relinguish control.

Well, I'm more convinced it's a matter of physical inexperience and will be remedied with plenty of practice. ;)

quote:

And your partner probably lacks both the experience and the desire to take it away from you...

I won't argue as far as experience goes, but what am I supposed to do? I like dating in my own age pool.

quote:


ORIGINAL: sexyred1
This sentence simply boggles my mind. I don't get it, really. You seem to be complaining that your partner wants you to get off. Are you saying you have less respect for him that wants you to feel pleasure or that you feel his particular way of getting you off is interfering with your construct of your particular dynamic with him?

I definitely have no complaints about the fact that he wants to get me off; in theory I wholeheartedly agree with your boggling. The latter is right; his having to service me just doesn't jive with my notion of the perfectly erotic partnership. Of course, I don't truly want a partner who is aloof or sexually selfish; I just need a way to reconcile that erotic notion with the reality that I do desire orgasms and I don't have an automatic orgasm button that will make my body instantly cooperate.

quote:


ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957
Just a thought.....are you sure that he even really wants to be kinky? If he doesn't, trying to make him be kinky is not going to work any more than him trying to make you be 'nilla.....

Thanks for the warning... He seems genuine in his desire to learn, but I know this might not turn out the way I want it to. He sure is worth waiting to find out, though.

Thanks for the replies!

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/4/2010 11:33:01 PM   
Healed


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/4/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GYPSYMAMBO

Op:
something is amiss here...

I feel from your profile name that perhaps there has been emotional or other abuse/betrayal which blocks you........??
 
If you use the search option (below right) there have been many threads about
women unable to orgasm and why...and lots of good advice,,
 
GM

Thanks for your concern, but the username actually refers to discovering and accepting my kinky sexuality after years of thinking that I was irreconcilably different from every other human being on the planet and that I'd die alone as a cat lady! I'm lucky to have never had to have dealt with anything of that nature.

I have looked through some of the threads about trouble orgasming, but I didn't see anything too particularly relevant to my situation. I don't have a problem orgasming in general (lots of solo practice, quite skilled at that, thank you very much) but the extra erotic/emotional component seems to be doing me in here.

Thanks!

(in reply to GYPSYMAMBO)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 1:47:12 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		I only really have one question to the op

Do you see him going down on you as a submissive act?

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to Healed)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 2:09:13 AM   
Elizabeth666


Posts: 288
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

just doesn't jive with my notion of the perfectly erotic partnership


No offense at all, but maybe that's the problem? You do state further in the main body of that comment that you need to reconcile your erotic notions with reality of orgasms.

You also say you are young and inexperienced. When I started out, I had this notion, fantasy, (call it what you will) of how my D/s relationship should be. It's not what I had envisioned, not that it's at all bad, but I had unreal expectations (Too many movies and books) I quickly realized that even though fantasy was nice, it wasn't going to be like that.

Maybe you need to talk to more people, do more "research" (here and elsewhere) and see what people have to say. Having him pleasure you doesn't make him less "Domly" enjoy it! (I know you didn't say that, but it could be subconcious, you have an idea of what the relationship should be like, but that's not the reality you're experiencing)

Have you tried talking to him?




_____________________________

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt"

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 4:00:00 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If he chooses to give you an orgasm, he's in control. If he chooses not to give you one, same thing.
However I had the same response to being on top during sex, it just felt wrong. The solution here was for me to tell him what my problem was, and his response was to tie my hands behind my back and lift me up and on top of him. Tied, it was obvious that I wasn't in charge and that made it easier for me in the beginning.

So ask him to do that. If you're tied spread eagle then you will know you aren't in charge. But you need to talk to him, because it isn't fair to have a third person in bed with you all the time, even though the third person is in your head. And you may wish to buy a hitachi wand to add to ways you can orgasm.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Elizabeth666)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 5:02:03 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hello healed,
I understand where you are coming from.  There's some kind of mind melt down for me too around this.  I've talked about that from time to time.  However, if I were in your shoes, here are a couple of things I might try:  Tying you down (as noted previously), tell him your fantasy as you have it (some men find that pretty exciting and he might join in!), try to focus on you are doing something to please him (often men get real pleasure from watching their woman become sated).  Have you ever seen a man who watches a stripper who is touching her own body.  They love that stuff!

Someone recently said to me that as a submissive you are still allowed to enjoy yourself.  It doesn't have to be all hard work!  I say that to you now.  It is supposed to be fun.

Good luck
sunshine


_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 5:04:11 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		He takes great pleasure in making me orgasm. Who am I to deny him that?

_____________________________



(in reply to Healed)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 5:19:55 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Healed
.

I definitely have no complaints about the fact that he wants to get me off; in theory I wholeheartedly agree with your boggling. The latter is right; his having to service me just doesn't jive with my notion of the perfectly erotic partnership. Of course, I don't truly want a partner who is aloof or sexually selfish; I just need a way to reconcile that erotic notion with the reality that I do desire orgasms and I don't have an automatic orgasm button that will make my body instantly cooperate.
.



the thing is you dont have to feel bad about youre fantasy and plenty of people use fantasy to reach private orgasms - its switching youre brain from fantasy to reality. relaxing enough, but also, just letting the whole pressure of orgasm go. so what if you dont cum with youre partner every time. if you explain to him whats happeneing he may even be able to help you with this.

just allow the sensations to come through slowly. it will take time to rewire youre brain from needing the fantasy to make those sensations stronger. it may take longer to cum. or, you can just accept that youre fantasy is part of youre wiring to cum and carry on.

why not try leaving youre fantasy out of the equation when youre with youre partner, just enjoy the sensations as sensations and drop the whole pressure to cum. see how it goes when there is no pressure of wanting/expecting or him having to please you. just drop the pressure. the more tense you get the worse its gonna get.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Healed)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 6:16:53 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		A couple thoughts this morning:

- You've referred several times to orgasms as him "servicing" you.  That judgment call is in your mind.  Part of the art of submission is handing over the judgment of the acts and activities you two do to him - and not worry yourself about them, or what they are, or what they mean.  Just do what he wants, and be obedient - even if that includes him deciding to cause you to orgasm.

- i realize part of the situation is that he is vanilla and you "came out" to him, and as a result he is working with you to see if this is something he enjoys.  And yes, that has made the dynamic a bit backwards - he did not come into your life as a Dominant man.  But you're going to have to stop "teaching" him - point him to these boards, to books (if you'd like suggestions folks here would be happy to share), or even another Dom you may know or a local club for him to learn on his own.  And then stop directing him.  If it's not his journey of learning how to Dominate you, and you are "teaching from the bottom", you'll have a very hard time fixing your headspace - and he'll have a hard time getting into his own as well.

- At some point you'll need to just relax and do what he wants and be present for whatever he wants to do to you without any expectations on your own part.  This may include orgasms - or not.  i've gone quite a while in the past without orgasms while my Owner at the time figured out my body and how he wanted to use it.  So i suggest instead of saying to him "Tie me to the bed and then have your way with me and maybe i'll feel better" - which is still a level of you being in control - you simply kneel at his feet and let him take it from there, and have fun.  Neither one of you needs to be perfect from the get-go.

- Final thought:  Quit judging yourself, quit judging him, be submissive, let go, serve, submit, obey......and have fun. 

julie


_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 8:25:44 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

How do other subs feel about being pleasured?


since He doesn't have to perform any special acts for this slave to experience pleasure and she does not call the shots, this slave doesn't perceive what we engage in as her being serviced by Him.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 1/5/2010 8:27:04 AM >

(in reply to Healed)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 10:09:17 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I only really have one question to the op

Do you see him going down on you as a submissive act?

When you asked her that, I flashed on when Sir tied me to the bed and surprised me with it.  I couldn't get away, so I had no choice but to enjoy it.  lol  Maybe that's what she needs..... 

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 12:19:54 PM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		you say you are young and inexperienced and i think you are sound, you speak well about your issue and you respond good to the advice you have gotten so far.

i am 43 and still often move into total fantasy to get off... haven't managed the multiples yet either. I understand the way you feel about him servicing you, but as others have mentioned; that is in your head, you simply have to stop thinking of it like that.

it might help if you could tell him what your favourite 'getting off' fantasies are and if he happens to think these scenarios are hot too... then you two could perhaps talk dirty while getting you to orgasm... that way you stay on the same page... talking dirty might be a difficult at first though... i know it took us quite some time to master that art.

You are totally right in that you just have to keep at it... sex is like anything else: you get better at it with practise

(in reply to Healed)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 4:28:30 PM   
Eivarden


Posts: 101
Joined: 4/15/2009
Status: offline 		Im similar, except ive never gotten off when someone tries to please me, since i find it such a turn off.

I know where u are coming from, but i dont rly have any advice to give.

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 5:53:45 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		yeah I may be Master's slave but when he wants to pleasure me I'm not gonna turn it down! I say "hell yeah!". What can I say? I'm not a masochist lol. I like pleasure.

Like others have said..I don't see it as him servicing me...just us being in a relationship where when we're both satisfied we're both happy and when we're both happy it's good for the relationship.



< Message edited by littlewonder -- 1/5/2010 5:55:29 PM >

(in reply to Eivarden)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! - 1/5/2010 6:08:19 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

I don't see it as him servicing me...just us being in a relationship where when we're both satisfied we're both happy and when we're both happy it's good for the relationship.


I agree.  Since when it mutual satisfaction a bad thing?

Honestly it is the one thing about the "lifestyle" that makes me bristle.  The expectation that some have that an s-type can be happy and fulfilled simply by meeting the needs of (servicing) the D-type.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Being pleasured/serviced turns me off! Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094