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Misleading Dom/subs - 3/21/2006 10:32:18 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Ok, not going to wallow in self pity over my recent mishap. After spending the past week, trying to figure out things, talking with others here on CM, in IMs and e-mails. Being given some advice on how to handle things, how to look into other things. I found out some so very interresting information tonight. Now No need to go into detail, and not going to flame Jeff over this. But after thinking about it all... I decided to ask the forum this...

No matter the time you put into a relationship...(or not actual relationship.... but a person) and you find out something... of extreme importance... that would of actually been a contibuting factor on whether you would continued forward with trying to build a relationship or not. How would you feel?... Respond? .....

Example... (and no, not from my situation) You meet in whatever manner. The question of say.... marriage comes up. Are you.. married... response.. NO. You take them at their word. Are you living with someone as a couple?..... NO... you take them at their word. Now you decide... to investigate, because something doesn't seem.. "right". BAM, there's a spouse, or other lover.

Now that was only an example. There are alot of other things you might discover. How do you handle the the conversation you are about to have.. reguarding the information you now have... instead of hearing it from the person to begin with.... when you first inquired? Do you ask them again... allowing them dig that hole deeper? Or tell them you found out something and you want to know why they lied? Do you even bother with it, and just disappear on them all together? Refuse calls, e-mails, IMs. Cut off all communication.

So the main question I guess would be.... How do you respond to finding out you've been mislead? How does one go about trying not to think of the one who betrayed them, when seeking out another or being sought out by another. I'm interrested in knowing how both Dom/subs try to get past the being betrayed.


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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/21/2006 10:46:10 PM   
Real0ne


Posts: 21189
Joined: 10/25/2004
Status: offline 		wow that is really circumstantial.

usually i try to work things out if that is posssible.  i do not really worry to much how i handle it because when people start lying there is no good way.

Like i said it is so circumstancial, if it is in the begining stages of a relationship and if i truly like the person and there is room for doubt or it is possibly an oversite or even an exaggeration i would try to dig into it more and iron things out but if it is a bold faced lie that they know would have been a deal breaker and they just wanted to go forward anyway by lying to me, then i just tell them we are not compatible rather than giving them any clu as to what they did.  why help them  educate themselves to tell the next person a better lie.

in a ltr well those have to be gone over and resolved

i should add there are a zillion variables to this one. it depends on the person, the type of lie, the subject matter, the relationship, etc etc etc.

this is easier done for a specific situation.  not sure if this is any help


< Message edited by Real0ne -- 3/21/2006 10:48:47 PM >

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/21/2006 10:53:48 PM   
BitaTruble


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Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

How do you handle the the conversation you are about to have.. reguarding the information you now have... instead of hearing it from the person to begin with.... when you first inquired? Do you ask them again... allowing them dig that hole deeper? Or tell them you found out something and you want to know why they lied? Do you even bother with it, and just disappear on them all together? Refuse calls, e-mails, IMs. Cut off all communication.





Setting up people to lie to you only brings you down. In this case, I'd strongly suggest the final option. Kicked to the curb with a perma-gag in place, without a sound, word or clue. They aren't worth even one more second of the time it would take to tell them to fuck off.

Celeste

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 3/21/2006 10:54:18 PM >

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/21/2006 11:05:01 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline 		I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you,
just enough to bring you down.

—Maynard James Keenan

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/21/2006 11:26:04 PM   
DragonNphoenix


Posts: 617
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		You know... I dont know how to deal with it.  We really havent been able to talk to the one that mislead us.  She has not returned any of our emails.  We might still consider her, depending on what she says.  But like I said, no replies. 

I think that in your case, you are probably going to have to do the second option.  The first, you just put yourself in the hole with him.  Be honest and move forward depending on the response.

1st Girl Phoenix

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/21/2006 11:34:51 PM   
MasterOwnskitty


Posts: 97
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		"So the main question I guess would be.... How do you respond to finding out you've been mislead? How does one go about trying not to think of the one who betrayed them, when seeking out another or being sought out by another. I'm interrested in knowing how both Dom/subs try to get past the being betrayed."

I say that you do what you feel is best about continuing or ending the relationship. Whether you choose to keep that person in your life or not, it's in your best interest to forgive and then move on.  As long as you hang on to anger, pain, guilt, or any other negative emotions re: the dishonesty which was thrown at you, the other person will continue to have power over you. Once you let go, you also let go of their power.


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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/21/2006 11:57:57 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.

I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you,
just enough to bring you down.

—Maynard James Keenan


Owned is right... you are in rare form tonight...


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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 12:11:29 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterOwnskitty

I say that you do what you feel is best about continuing or ending the relationship. Whether you choose to keep that person in your life or not, it's in your best interest to forgive and then move on.  As long as you hang on to anger, pain, guilt, or any other negative emotions re: the dishonesty which was thrown at you, the other person will continue to have power over you. Once you let go, you also let go of their power.




Could you really continue forward into a relationship... knowing you have been betrayed? I think in doing so, that's when you hold onto the anger you speak of. Hiding negative thoughts while smiling at the person you know betrayed you. Eating away inside of you.

No, I don't think I could do that if it was me at all. Knowing that from that moment on... I see your lips moving... I am thinking you're lying... you tell me the sky is blue.. i'm going to look to make sure. 


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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 12:24:02 AM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline 		"Could you really continue forward into a relationship... knowing you have been betrayed? I think in doing so, that's when you hold onto the anger you speak of. Hiding negative thoughts while smiling at the person you know betrayed you. Eating away inside of you. "

OK, first, I used to be able to highlight and get the original in my post, now it's not working and very frustrating...
Now to your question; tried that once in My marriage, returned, had questions, put them out of My mind...a few years later and after putting her through school, she said it wasn't working...
My first instinct had always been, WALK. No words, no questions, leave, heal and screw up by trusting another again; not talking little misleads but biggies (like your initial post)...take care of yourself, value your self and F those who'll tear you down.
C


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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 12:29:01 AM   
SoulfulSadism


Posts: 53
Joined: 9/3/2005
Status: offline 		Hi truesub

[This is my opinion; not advice, not suggestion. Pretty much like what I would tell me if I were in your shoes but had the lessons from my life.]

Getting past betrayal is extremely difficult - and extremely important.
It's important because your character gets polished best by failure - and by success.

I found that asking questions does not help in the long run. A betrayal arouses conflicting emotions - anger and revenge-wish; and the intensity boiling over form unfinished dreams. Specially if you are in the phase where the magic is still enveloping you.

We ask questions because we need closure; because we want to find some way to find fairness; to vent our frustration and anguish ... etc.

It doesn't help - this is a time where you lead with the mind, letting time slowly make the heart join the mind.

First thing - make a decision. There can be only three: 1) Repair and continue 2) End it 3) Postpone the decision till later

Making a decision is the hardest thing to do - that's why I think that last choice is a copout.

If you decide to end it - make sure the good memories are preserved. Face to face, as calmly as you can, "We had good times, but the lie has broken it. Good luck".

In short - don't LOOK for closure - *you* close it, and then start figuring out a way to handle your own emotions.

If you want to repair and continue ... make sure you are doing it because of the stregths of the relationship, not because of your weaknesses. Any relationship built upon weaknesses crumbles sooner than later usually.


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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 12:46:05 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Soulful,
I must say, damn good post. And alot can be learned from your advice to yourself on this. I thought perhaps I wanted closure. But I am not sure I really even care now myself... LOL

That's why I posted the OP. To maybe see if others have handled simular situations, and how they did so. From both sides. Thanks again. I do love the way you put that.


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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 1:30:33 AM   
GoddessElectra


Posts: 26
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Well I personally walk away from it, once a liar always a liar IMHO. I demand full honesty because I give full honesty. I cant stand liars. but if you think it will work out, go for it, but you will always wonder "are they lying"


GoddessElectra

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 1:42:43 AM   
SimplyV


Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

So the main question I guess would be.... How do you respond to finding out you've been mislead? How does one go about trying not to think of the one who betrayed them, when seeking out another or being sought out by another. I'm interrested in knowing how both Dom/subs try to get past the being betrayed.



I don't handle lies well. I really really really don't. Ask anyone who knows me.

For me.. in the begining.. I'm willing to give them a bit more leway.. Like if they said they were 6'3 and were really 5'11... I might adjust to that pending their reasoning. Or if I told them I was allergic to cats, and they said "No I don't have a cat" when they actually did.. I might give them some wiggle room.

Now.. things that would really affect the future together.. Like saying they're relocatable when really they're not.. or not telling me their married.. or keeping a secret lover on the side.. or they just got out of prison for rape and they didn't mention it.. Those would be "SEE YA" offenses. I wouldn't even bother to pass "GO".. or even pick up the game board. I'd just be gone. POOF.

I can deal with a lot of "truth".. its the lies and secrets that will run me off first.

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 4:06:59 AM   
MistressDiane


Posts: 334
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		At an early stage in a relationship, just getting to know one another, I would personally not invest anymore time , energy or emotion with this person. I would however let them know that I knew they lied. Maybe or maybe not it would make them think about it before repeating that mistake with someone else.
Ms. Diane

< Message edited by MistressDiane -- 3/22/2006 4:08:19 AM >

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 4:12:14 AM   
redangel


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/12/2005
Status: offline 		It depends on what your values are. Not everyone has the same values. The one thing I value above all else is Intergity. If I find out someone lied to me chances are I will be very cautious of them from that point on.
Example: I used to date a dom from here who told me he was divorced, he wasn't. When I asked he said "It's final in a few weeks", that's different from "BEING" divorced. He also claims to be 40 and is at least 52 if not older, but I don't know for sure. His profile here rants about liars in the scene, mainly referring to me because he fell in love with me, but I was still sticking to being ALMOST single (he knew I was separated and that my ex is also in the scene) and dating. I didn't change the way he wanted. When I played with others he assumed that they should have asked his permission, which there was no need since he was just a "boyfriend dom". From the onset I told him I was NOT looking for a relationship, but because his feeling changed all of a sudden I was a liar.
So all in all integrity and truth play a pivotal role in what we do, but know where your values are and what you are willing to accept from another when you enter into a relationship.

angel

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 4:16:04 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline
quote:


Cut off all communication.


Life's too short.

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 4:48:05 AM   
slaveladyj


Posts: 161
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		It's an issue of trust. At the beginning of any relationship, everyone keeps part of themselves back. Something they think will stop the relationship before it can start. Now finding out someone is married, when they said they wouldn't is definitely a relationship buster. But other things, I was with my partner for seven years when I discovered his big dark secret. Very shocked, but after careful consideration, not relationship ending, not with the things I like to do. Still it took another four years before we actually bought it out into the open, for him to understand that I not only accepted his secret, but was willing to explore it with him. Which may be why he's currently willing to explore things with me.

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 4:59:55 AM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
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I had been speaking to a Dom  we had met face to face.  He had told me from the beginning he did not have a sub but he and the ex were still friendsone day in one of his emails- he spoke about this exsubfriend. He  typed-  I am Her Dom. When I copied that comment and sent it back to him and said he had been lying to me- he tried the....." I told you she and I were back together"  ah uh BULL! not something I would over look or forget. I just told him - You lied, You were caught and we are no longer speaking. The End nice n simple

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A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 5:25:05 AM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		GoddessElectra said it best. Once a liar always a liar. You may find reason to overlook this one, as I did. You may think people can change, as I did. You may use reason to tell yourself this and tell yourself that, like I have.

Then before you know it, it's 5 years down the road, with a person who is still the same person from 5 years earlier. And your investment, while it has changed YOU, has not not changed the other person. And it Will change you.

Dont do it.

If I can save anyone from my mistakes, then some good has come from it.

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RE: Misleading Dom/subs - 3/22/2006 6:47:57 AM   
Real0ne


Posts: 21189
Joined: 10/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SoulfulSadism
this is a time where you lead with the mind, letting time slowly make the heart join the mind.

If you want to repair and continue ... make sure you are doing it because of the stregths of the relationship, not because of your weaknesses. Any relationship built upon weaknesses crumbles sooner than later usually.


superbly spoken words Soulful!

< Message edited by Real0ne -- 3/22/2006 6:48:17 AM >

_____________________________

"We the Borg" of the us imperialists....resistance is futile

Democracy; The 'People' voted on 'which' amendment?

Yesterdays tinfoil is today's reality!

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session

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