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Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/21/2006 11:00:24 PM

SimplyV

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Because I didn't want to sidetrack another thread. I thought I'd start a new one...

Someone mentioned that people who have been abused in the past have an easier time finding suitable partners in BDSM. Such as needy insecure sub and an overbearing Dom/me.

From my experiences, finding a good match to make a healthy relationship seems like it would be just as hard.. or even more difficult for people who have been through abuse and have those past issues to deal with and bring that to the table with them?

Anyone else's thoughts?

Post #: 1

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/21/2006 11:34:28 PM

DragonNphoenix

Posts: 617
Joined: 8/2/2005
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I agree with you, V. As one that has been abused and extremely hurt in past relationships, having a healthy one has been number one on my list. I am just lucky that my Master is one that wants me to be healthy and seeks ways for that, ie.. making sure that I take my meds and such. But, as a whole, i think that healthy relationships, bdsm or vanilla are more difficult for those that have been abused, we tend to find the same type of abusive person over and over. Only if that thread is broken can one find the healthy relationship that they seek.

1st Girl Phoenix

_____________________________

**Pain is just pleasure with a twist**

(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 2

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 12:29:33 AM

Real0ne

Posts: 21189
Joined: 10/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyV

Because I didn't want to sidetrack another thread. I thought I'd start a new one...

Someone mentioned that people who have been abused in the past have an easier time finding suitable partners in BDSM. Such as needy insecure sub and an overbearing Dom/me.

From my experiences, finding a good match to make a healthy relationship seems like it would be just as hard.. or even more difficult for people who have been through abuse and have those past issues to deal with and bring that to the table with them?

Anyone else's thoughts?

the greatest problem i have seen based on the many supposedly recovered abused or abusive people i have met over the years is that they often never truly recover from it in a manner that its like it never happened.

when we say something as simple as "love" we all have different levels and ideas of what that means to us.

in my world there is no subject you cannot talk about with me up close and personal and talk about it till we have sore throats and start all over again the next day.

possibly one of the more obvious examples, with people who have been abused in the past there are often things that are totally off the table of any discussion and the mere mention will send them into orbit.

for me the biggest problem is that i need that very close connection and so far everyone that has been abused in some fashion in thier lives i have not been able to develope that kind of connection with them. They always keep a certain portion of their heart securely locked away.

Now in the case of two people who have been abused and recovered since they both have a need to keep loved ones at a certain comfortable distance, to them that is as good as it can get and perfectly satisfactory and they live a very joyful life with each other.

However put two people in the room with opposing histories and watch the fur fly.

for me i feel both blessed and cursed. i got into bdsm as a result of my natural curiosity and adventurous experimental spirit. i feel blessed because i have not been abused by conventional standards and have never suffered any real trauma, and on the other hand i feel cursed because i feel like a fish out of water as compared to what is commonly availible to me.

i think all of us at least those of us who are selective are looking for a niche relationship and that is quite difficult on any level, but since i believe the greater majority of people in bdsm have been abused and or traumatized at some point in their lives, i believe they have a better opportunity to find someone as a function of availiability alone.

i am often sad at how many people in this world are abused or wrongfully treated by others.

< Message edited by Real0ne -- 3/22/2006 12:35:41 AM >

_____________________________

"We the Borg" of the us imperialists....resistance is futile

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Yesterdays tinfoil is today's reality!

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(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 3

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 12:48:39 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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I truly have no idea whether it was harder or easier. I only know that when I finally met the right person, nothing else seemed to matter. It may have taken just as long, longer or less time than it actually did.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 4

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 1:28:26 AM

SimplyV

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Joined: 11/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne

the greatest problem i have seen based on the many supposedly recovered abused or abusive people i have met over the years is that they often never truly recover from it in a manner that its like it never happened.

k.. well if you're expecting someone to go through something and then recover from it like it never happened... you're expecting WAY too much. That would be like asking you to forget everything you learned in High School. Or forget everything you learned from the first time you got your heart broke.

Everything that happens in our lives affects us and makes us who we are today. Like it or not.. thats the way things are. We learn. We adapt. We move on (well most of us anyway).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne
when we say something as simple as "love" we all have different levels and ideas of what that means to us.

Yep.. Black or white, abused or not abused.. everyone has a different version of what love is, means, does, doesn't do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne
in my world there is no subject you cannot talk about with me up close and personal and talk about it till we have sore throats and start all over again the next day.

possibly one of the more obvious examples, with people who have been abused in the past there are often things that are totally off the table of any discussion and the mere mention will send them into orbit.

for me the biggest problem is that i need that very close connection and so far everyone that has been abused in some fashion in thier lives i have not been able to develope that kind of connection with them. They always keep a certain portion of their heart securely locked away.

Now in the case of two people who have been abused and recovered since they both have a need to keep loved ones at a certain comfortable distance, to them that is as good as it can get and perfectly satisfactory and they live a very joyful life with each other.

I'm not sure that is true of everyone who has been abused. I would certainly agree that some may be this way. But from my experience, most people (abused or not) lock certain parts of themselves away at first.. things they don't like other people seeing because they themselves can't accept it. Usually once you've built up trust, those doors start opening.. and if you're understanding and the trust continues to grow.. those doors keep opening and opening.. until you know everything there is to know.

With people who have been abused, or even had their hearts broken profoundly, often it takes a long time and a long standing proven path of trust for certain doors into themselves to be opened.

I have been through abuse, and I like to consider myself to be a fairly open person. But yes I have secrets.. I have some that it takes a while to know me before I feel comfortable stating them. BDSM used to be one of them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne
for me i feel both blessed and cursed. i got into bdsm as a result of my natural curiosity and adventurous experimental spirit. i feel blessed because i have not been abused by conventional standards and have never suffered any real trauma, and on the other hand i feel cursed because i feel like a fish out of water as compared to what is commonly availible to me.

i think all of us at least those of us who are selective are looking for a niche relationship and that is quite difficult on any level, but since i believe the greater majority of people in bdsm have been abused and or traumatized at some point in their lives, i believe they have a better opportunity to find someone as a function of availiability alone.

i am often sad at how many people in this world are abused or wrongfully treated by others.

I'm not sure what to think about this.. As I read this.. I almost felt that you feel like you should have been abused in order to "fit in".. that is sad. We aren't different people.. We've all had different trials, doesn't make anyone's journeys in life more or less valuable in experience than anothers.

I'd like to think you concentrate more on finding a compatible personality.. than segregating us on abused vs non-abused. Would you feel as "out of water" if we all were redheads and you were a brunette?

(in reply to Real0ne)

Post #: 5

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 6:36:22 AM

Real0ne

Posts: 21189
Joined: 10/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyV
I'm not sure what to think about this.. As I read this.. I almost felt that you feel like you should have been abused in order to "fit in".. that is sad. We aren't different people.. We've all had different trials, doesn't make anyone's journeys in life more or less valuable in experience than anothers.

I'd like to think you concentrate more on finding a compatible personality.. than segregating us on abused vs non-abused. Would you feel as "out of water" if we all were redheads and you were a brunette?

oh of course i concentrate on finding a compatible partner. altho now it is one of the questions i ask up front it never used to be. i found all this out thru trial and error and many failed attempts at having a partner. if you can eventually, truly open up at some point then you are fortunate and rare as very few to the point i can say none i have dated ever could. to me that is being recovered like it never happened. i feel sad for those abused but in the same sntence its tru many of my friends who have been abused have long since paired up and are living happily ever after.

_____________________________

"We the Borg" of the us imperialists....resistance is futile

Democracy; The 'People' voted on 'which' amendment?

Yesterdays tinfoil is today's reality!

"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session

(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 6

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 6:54:20 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I think given the ready made dynamics within this sub-culture which promotes dependency and helplessness on the part of subs and protector/knights on the part of doms, yes I think there's a slight edge that makes it easier for them to GET INTO relationships.

However, I haven't seen any evidence to suggest that those relationships really work out better in the long term.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 7

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 6:58:47 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I think anytime anyone brings *baggage* into a relationship, it just makes it that much harder, sometimes it can be overcome, other times it will eat at the relationship till there is nothing left.

(in reply to Real0ne)

Post #: 8

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 7:02:14 AM

shygirldesires

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Joined: 10/2/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyV

Someone mentioned that people who have been abused in the past have an easier time finding suitable partners in BDSM.

Anyone else's thoughts?

i meet a dom several Sundays ago...since i am owned, he knew the requirements. i had chatted with this guy for 5 months in email....he weathered the crisis of my mom's near death and my sisters near death...all within 3 months time... he was easy to tell my "story" too...we meet for a meal, but i agreed to go home with him.... he knew the belt was a hard limit and knew the reasons why ....49 belt welts and no less than 50 ass spankings later..... he told me he had to "cleanse" the past from my soul and spirit....i took all of it like a good girl but when Master found out He was not plesed with me but disappointed giving me words of encouragment and advice.

i didnt need any "cleansing" not that way...some of us see therapists...waht did he cleanse? nothing

Doms have their own agenda, no matter the requirements of an owned girl from her Master, esp when He is NOT present

shycumslut_DB.

< Message edited by shygirldesires -- 3/22/2006 7:05:33 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 9

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 7:57:42 AM

starymists

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Joined: 2/1/2006
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Everyone has 'stuff' or 'baggage'...past abuse, times they have been hurt, times when trust has been violated...what have you. For me, the question isn't does a potential partner have baggage, but how do they handle the baggage that they have. For myself, I have a history. And some not nice things have happened in that history. Do I lock that away? Not from my point of view. I am select on whom I share that information with. I ensure that the relationship I am in is ready to deal with the fall out of opening that subject. I ensure that the information given will never be used against me. I try to ensure that disclosure will not negatively impact my current relationship. That kind of trust takes time to develop.

You can't ever go back and 'make something as good as new'. When things happen, things change, often forever. I can't go back to the person that I used to be. I'm not sure I'd want to go back. While I don't appreciate some of the things that have happened to me, I do appreciate the strength, character, knowledge, etc that have come out of those situations. True, I am more cautious than I used to be. Take more time to get to know someone before blindly handing over trust to another, but I don't think that's a negative thing.

For me, that baggage has made it easier for me to be in a relationship. Why? Because I am far more aware of what I want, what I need and what I absolutely can not have in a relationship. It made the process of finding my 'One' easier by far. Sure, on occasion, something from the past crops up, but we talk about it, deal with it while its small and move on. And that works for us.

As far as does it make it easier or harder for others? I think that largely depends on how much time they have taken to come to terms with whatever has happened. Do they still blame themselves for the abuse *which is a form of control*? Do they still think they, on some level deserved the abuse? Or are they in a place where they are at peace with their past? Those are the things that determine if its easier or harder. Not whether there is a past history or not. At least from my perspective :)

(in reply to shygirldesires)

Post #: 10

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 8:11:25 AM

BrianSenior

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Joined: 3/13/2006
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Past experiences will always be with us, thats why they are called experiences. Etched into our memories. Keeping the experiences with Me has made Me more aware of what I don't want and how to see them before I get to deep in the relationship. Being a very active child, getting into way more then I should have, I am more prepared as a Father. Knowing what I did, how I tried to cover it, what to look for. Make sense? ~BK~

(in reply to starymists)

Post #: 11

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 8:33:49 AM

thetammyjo

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I think it depends.

If you are working on your past or have, in your opinion, resolved you past I think it makes you more capable of weighting choices and making healthier decisions.

This might mean that it takes you longer to find compatible partners but, in my experience, the quality when you do find them is high and fulfilling.

But I cannot possibly compare myself to someone who hasn't been abused as a child because I don't know what that life is like.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 12

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 8:37:37 AM

amayos

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From: New England
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I have always said abuse makes interesting people. Enough of it in a person's early life will certainly change the way they think and feel. I often find I get along very well with submissive girls who have suffered thus; in the end many of them simply seek affection and true intimacy with a male that is paternal to them.

< Message edited by amayos -- 3/22/2006 8:44:37 AM >

(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 13

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 11:59:02 AM

jamesthehumanrug

Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline

there is hope:

dont mention anything ;or anyone;
forget family;
for gauds sake ;dont ever mention any other girls' name ,
or anyone elses name;
especially, in conversations ,or in bed,
&,not even in passing!
or you're in TROUBLE,

just dont ,with a potential paramour and,you got it made....
in other words;
just
WAIT .
,(NOT, WITH YOUR LOVER;
it's ammo later;
trust me...
CANT TAKE BACK WORDS LATER EITHER ;ITS TO THE GRAVE)

_____________________________

I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 14

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 1:40:00 PM

SimplyV

Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Real0ne

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyV
I'm not sure what to think about this.. As I read this.. I almost felt that you feel like you should have been abused in order to "fit in".. that is sad. We aren't different people.. We've all had different trials, doesn't make anyone's journeys in life more or less valuable in experience than anothers.

I'd like to think you concentrate more on finding a compatible personality.. than segregating us on abused vs non-abused. Would you feel as "out of water" if we all were redheads and you were a brunette?

oh of course i concentrate on finding a compatible partner. altho now it is one of the questions i ask up front it never used to be. i found all this out thru trial and error and many failed attempts at having a partner. if you can eventually, truly open up at some point then you are fortunate and rare as very few to the point i can say none i have dated ever could. to me that is being recovered like it never happened. i feel sad for those abused but in the same sntence its tru many of my friends who have been abused have long since paired up and are living happily ever after.

I have to wonder if your experiences are merely that you have no idea how to generate true trust in someone else, because I just can't fathom that I am an exception.

Or maybe I just have some kind of weird "gift" at getting people to open up to me. That could be it.

But really I think its a flaw in your character. In another thread, you told someone good luck in finding a partner as many of us are abused and thus damanged goods. If that is truely how you think of people who have been through hardships.. believe me.. we're the lucky ones if you're ruling us out. And if you really do have friends how have been abused, I very much doubt they know of your posts on here or they wouldn't be your friends much longer.

I'd like to say that I speak for all of us.. but I can only speak for me and mine... Stop feeling sorry for us.. We don't need your pity.

(in reply to Real0ne)

Post #: 15

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 1:46:31 PM

SimplyV

Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: starymists

Everyone has 'stuff' or 'baggage'...past abuse, times they have been hurt, times when trust has been violated...what have you. For me, the question isn't does a potential partner have baggage, but how do they handle the baggage that they have. For myself, I have a history. And some not nice things have happened in that history. Do I lock that away? Not from my point of view. I am select on whom I share that information with. I ensure that the relationship I am in is ready to deal with the fall out of opening that subject. I ensure that the information given will never be used against me. I try to ensure that disclosure will not negatively impact my current relationship. That kind of trust takes time to develop.

You can't ever go back and 'make something as good as new'. When things happen, things change, often forever. I can't go back to the person that I used to be. I'm not sure I'd want to go back. While I don't appreciate some of the things that have happened to me, I do appreciate the strength, character, knowledge, etc that have come out of those situations. True, I am more cautious than I used to be. Take more time to get to know someone before blindly handing over trust to another, but I don't think that's a negative thing.

For me, that baggage has made it easier for me to be in a relationship. Why? Because I am far more aware of what I want, what I need and what I absolutely can not have in a relationship. It made the process of finding my 'One' easier by far. Sure, on occasion, something from the past crops up, but we talk about it, deal with it while its small and move on. And that works for us.

As far as does it make it easier or harder for others? I think that largely depends on how much time they have taken to come to terms with whatever has happened. Do they still blame themselves for the abuse *which is a form of control*? Do they still think they, on some level deserved the abuse? Or are they in a place where they are at peace with their past? Those are the things that determine if its easier or harder. Not whether there is a past history or not. At least from my perspective :)

Very well said.

Even though I'm not sure I agree with it making the search easier... I guess it depends on what you mean by easier.. I suppose going through trials would make anyone more certain of what they actually NEEDED versus what was wanted. Thus narrowing down a search, so those that fit that criteria more successfully fit. I suppose that could make things easier. I hadn't really thought about it. Less time wasted on idiots and people who don't match your needs, and more time used on finding someone who does.

(in reply to starymists)

Post #: 16

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 2:04:38 PM

SimplyV

Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BrianSenior
Keeping the experiences with Me has made Me more aware of what I don't want and how to see them before I get to deep in the relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I think it depends.

If you are working on your past or have, in your opinion, resolved you past I think it makes you more capable of weighting choices and making healthier decisions.

This might mean that it takes you longer to find compatible partners but, in my experience, the quality when you do find them is high and fulfilling.

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos
I have always said abuse makes interesting people. Enough of it in a person's early life will certainly change the way they think and feel. I often find I get along very well with submissive girls who have suffered thus; in the end many of them simply seek affection and true intimacy with a male that is paternal to them.

You know I hadn't thought of this thread turning into the "Benefits of having Abuse in your past".. but its kinda turning out that way.. I agree.. For those of us who have dealt with our past and are truely seeking a healthy relationship, I think can pick out what we actually need and want in order to be truely happy better than some others. Trials have a way of making us into better people.. What is the phrase.. Separating the wheat from the shaft? Swords are sharper after having gone through the fire?

I also tend to think we're more in touch with our feelings/emotions and probably more sensitive to other's pain because we've been there.

However those that have not healed from their past abuse do not often share these benefits, I think healing is required first. There are many who just haven't dealt with their past at all, they repress it totally, haven't learned from it.. live in constant pain/anger because of it.. and that cant make for a healthy and happy outlook to make into a healthy relationship with anyone.

V

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 17

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 2:21:40 PM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

This is just a generic reply, to nobody in particular.

I'm not sure any of this can be answered, because everyone will take a different path to normalcy ... if that even exists.

My sister and I have taken completely different approaches, and we are only a few years apart. She is all about discussing, getting past the hurt, moving on and trying to make a normal life. I'm all about silently staring it down, embracing the evil of it, and proving to the world that nothing, no matter how bad, no matter how much it hurt, can ever defeat me, or define me.

Her way probably works a lot better than mine.

(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 18

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 3:24:24 PM

littlesubjess

Posts: 305
Joined: 2/2/2006
Status: offline

Past Issues eh ?

well... i spent my teenage years living with my Dad's alcoholic girlfriend, then when i was 17 i was raped .. then i went off the rails and worked as a hooker for two years .. and got addicted to cocaine ..... and now i am sub ..... and i do often think to myslef i wonder if it is past issues that have made me so sub ??

jess xxxx

_____________________________

And on the eighth day, He created Jessica ...

Anything is possible if you try hard enough ...... xxx

Only the one who hurts you can make you feel better. Only the one who inflicts the pain can take it away.

(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 19

RE: Do Past Issues Make BDSM easier? - 3/22/2006 3:44:31 PM

classykindasassy

Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline

This is an interesting subject.

I don't think that it's any easier for us (those with a past that might explain our interest in BDSM) to find our way in relationships in general.

How I think our pasts may be a blessing, is in this: maybe our brokenness gives us a greater ability to embrace its opposite in another person.

Myself, I was sexually misused, and neglected as a child. I think my most suited companions were "smother loved" and controlled and suppressed to smithereens as kids.

My particular brand of inner wound gives me the capacity to embrace the man who can own his dom-ness and needs the willing subject who can knowingly and consciously be the one to submit to different levels of domination, control and sadism. That stuff helps me own and embrace my inner dark world and sexual drive and intensity.

The doms most suited to me were likely so suppressed and thwarted and controlled as kids, that they turn their issues inside out as an art form. And they liberate me through bondage, and the sadism and the control in my mind become love and attention that makes me feel alive. My sexual inner wild-child is set free by kink, and being seen and known completely by someone who can be with a woman who is comfortable living at the edge.

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to littlesubjess)

Post #: 20

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